To get miffed that DH invites DSS to tea every night?

[dragonstitcher]

I don't say anything because it's not worth the battle, but it does piss me off. DSS is nearly 20yo, he finished college a couple of months ago and is going to Uni in Sept. He stays at home (his mums house) all day long watching TV or playing on the PS2 when he should be looking for a summer job and DH invites him to tea every night and picks him up on the way home from work, so that he doesn't have to feed himself. We are a low income family, I get child benefit and child Tax credit for my kids but not for stepsons and I find it hard to feed everyone on a limited budget. Not only that but stepsons mum complains that she is having to throw away food that isn't getting eaten. Sometimes she sends it over here so that it gets used.

A few times a week is reasonable, but every bloomin night isn't, I feel.

I understand that DH is trying to see as much of him before he goes to uni, so it makes me feel unreasonable for feeling this way. Roll on Sept. BTW nearly 18yo SS fends for himself on junk.

A guest?

In his own father's house?

Oh.

Take no notice of them Dragonstitcher. You are NOT being unreasonable; you are being taken for granted. Reminds me of the exp, F, of friend down the road, G(they were together 10 years). F told me he goes round and has a meal at G's and then goes home to his parents' house and has another meal his mother has cooked! And F is 38 years old at least!

Have you contacted the dss' mother to chat about the situation? Could be it's pissing her off as much as you.

Disappointed with lack of support for you on MN.

And btw, yes they are guests in their own father's house, as I am in my mother's house, because they don't live there.

Yes you are being unreasonable,if the food is a problem (I suspect that is just an excuse),sort something out with his mum.

Thank you Elastic! At last, someone understands.

ITS HIS SON FGS!

I was about to make Elasticwoman's point!

This is a young man we are talking about. Not a boy. His sense of being loved is not dependent on whether he gets get by his stepmother - but teaching him the habit that he can expect to treat places like hotels (whether his own home or his father's home) is a bad one. So no, the OP is NBU.

Yes it's his son, but if he just turns up with the lad, unexpectedly thats bad manners. it would be like someone's childs friend deciding they wanted to stay for tea. If I just tunred up at my mums uninvited then there would be no meal for me, I'd have to go the chippy - and thats my mum.

If he comes every night, start a rota so everyone gets a turn at shopping, cooking and clearing up after one meal a week.

I think he should be able to visit whenever he wants, but he's 20, and plenty able to pull his weight.

bad manners to go to his dads house?

no wonder so many divorced men have estranged relationships with their adult chjildren with attitudes like this

your child is your child for the rest of their life

No bad manners to just turn up and expect to be fed. If dragon didn't know he was coming and cooked a meal for the family members who normally live in the house, then someone turns up expecting fed then that's bad manners.

what, even cheese on toast?

when I was younger I used to go to my grans and she used to feed me. i really think you must have odd homes

But if he turns up every night, surely she must be expecting him?

Worse - bad manners to turn up execting to be fed while knowing that a meal was bening made for you elsewhere.

Your dh is doing him no favours in not expalining that to him - he is just perpetuating this thoughtless behaviour.

Liked dangerousbeans' idea: if this is something they want to happen regualry, then make up a rota and they can help with the cooking. That is also being part of a family.

And his mother would prbably apprecaite it too, as then she would know when they were going to be around and whether or not she needed to cook for them.

LOL DangerousBeans#

that is a very good point

Erm, it's not just his dad's house.

are your parents divorced mercy?

She's not saying it's bad manners to go to his dad's house. I suspect she always makes him and his brother feel welcome, given that she hasn't said anything to anyone and has come on here to vent.

She's finding it irritating preparing meals each night, and then not having enough to go round because no-one bothered to tell her who would be sitting round the table. How on earth can she budget and plan? It's taking her for granted.

why do meals have to be so fussy?

anything on toast is fine for an unexpected visitor
or a jacket potato

I'm a step-parent and the argument that the house belongs to the parent and, by implication, not the step-parent becomes very wearing over time. We all know that teenagers (or even those a bit older) can bring little to the table. If money is tight too, then I don't think YABU. Being consulted is something that we all expect but curiously something that doesn't have to be done with step-parents, apparently

I havent suggested it isnt the stepmothers house but i think some of you need to remember who the child is within this relationship

and he may well be 20, but he is still his fathers child

If I turned up unexpectedly to my mother's house, of course she would feed me. But it would be bad manners of me to turn up without arranging it first, and if she happened to be out that would be my bad luck.
And if I started to make a habit of it (Ping! Elastic stretches 200+ miles to parental home every night) she would say, hey, what's going on here?

If that makes my family odd Spider, then so be it.

I have never lived close to my mother but I would imagine if I needed to be fed everynight she would do it