To get miffed that DH invites DSS to tea every night?

[dragonstitcher]

I don't say anything because it's not worth the battle, but it does piss me off. DSS is nearly 20yo, he finished college a couple of months ago and is going to Uni in Sept. He stays at home (his mums house) all day long watching TV or playing on the PS2 when he should be looking for a summer job and DH invites him to tea every night and picks him up on the way home from work, so that he doesn't have to feed himself. We are a low income family, I get child benefit and child Tax credit for my kids but not for stepsons and I find it hard to feed everyone on a limited budget. Not only that but stepsons mum complains that she is having to throw away food that isn't getting eaten. Sometimes she sends it over here so that it gets used.

A few times a week is reasonable, but every bloomin night isn't, I feel.

I understand that DH is trying to see as much of him before he goes to uni, so it makes me feel unreasonable for feeling this way. Roll on Sept. BTW nearly 18yo SS fends for himself on junk.

I am on the fence here.

I think the OP SHOULD feed her partner's son, but it does sound like the ss is abusing the situation.

The boy's father should lay down some rules - the boy is old enough to contribute some food, or help with the preparation / clean up.

My DH lived with his brothers / sisters while he was uni, and they all took turns with the prep / cleanup. In fact, whoever cooked did also do the cleanup (to minimise mess).

It would not hurt the ss at all to not be so lazy and ungrateful...

Kerry,

I think the suggestions of asking for financial help meant asking the DH (or having him discuss the issue with xw). I don't think anybody ever suggested asking dss to buy his meal.

I also don't see why (presuming dragon doesn't have a strained relationship with dss) that dragon couldn't be the one to ask her stepson to pitch in. In fact a light-hearted, but firm, flick of a tea towel might go down a lot better with a 20 year old than his Dad having a quiet word (which might make it seem that dragon was complaining behind his back)

I guess those kinds of decisions really depend on the individuals involved.

@kerry

yeah a good man-to-man chat where he gives his son a few pointers about being an adult guest coming around for supper?

good idea, especially before he heads off to college.

Fab post Bouncingturtle. You've put into words exactly how I feel.

And I really don't pick up on anger about this. Frustration, annoyance, yes, but not anger. Dragonstitcher says in her OP she doesn't say anything about it to keep the peace, she says she feels unreasonable for feeling like she does. I just don't see where she's being angry at her ds. She's just fed up with things.

Spiderbaby I just wrote you a long post about Kenneth Williams and his loo but my internet connection was severed and I lost it. Perhaps you might read a biography or his autobiography. Sorry about your stepmother being such a cow. Is your bio mother still alive?

Good grief! I'm amazed at all the replies that have appeared since I last checked in!

We actually have a dishwasher. The boys mum gave it to us when she got a new one.

I don't resent having to feed DSSs, I just wish they showed me more consideration. They come in, eat, leave me their washing and dissappear off home again. They do this because their mum expects them to feed themselves and do their own washing. They come here because they know their Dad will have me do it for them, cos it makes him feel good. I can't refuse to do it because it makes me look like I resent them and causes friction between us. I do talk to their mum and she is just as frustrated as me. She even tries to control the situation from her end, which doesn't go down very well, cos I get accused of being in a conspiracy with her.

I don't even get a break on Mothers Day. I get a card and flowers from the girls and don't expect anything from the boys because I'm not their mum. But I still have to do all the things I normally do because they don't have to give me a break and do things for me because I'm not their mum. Mind you, this year, their own mum didn't get anything either.

DH is disgusted with their attitude as well, BTW. He just can't see that he created it.

They are definately taking advantage of you. Not to mention setting a terrible example for your other children.

I would stomp my foot down loud and clear. In fact, I would sit down with DH, XW, and agree a set of table rules that are to be enforced equally in both houses. ie boys do washing up or help cook or whatever is their fair share in BOTH houses.

they leave you their washing?????

ok, i thought you were being unreasonable but i would tell them if they do that again it will be going out with the bins. cheeky little sods! i would tell dh if he wants it done he can do it, and i hadnt considered that they might not help with clearing up afterwards (whether its stacking dishwasher or washing up makes no difference) cos its just what you do. i go to my mums for tea once a week and i still help clear up afterwards (baby permitting). i dont think you can say they cant come, but leaving you their washing leaves me speechless! you def need to start giving them jobs as soon as they get in the door, after all they are part of the family and all the kids in my house have jobs to do, its not unreasonable to expect them to help out

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Washing?

Sorry but you are mad if you think that not doing their washing would make you look resentful of them. I can understand that you have to tread really, really carefully in order not to have your actions misinterpreted (and it sounds like you've gone above and beyond the call of duty), but it is not reasonable for young men to expect anybody else to do their laundry for them unless they are physically disabled and unable to. Or of course, unless they are Princes William and Harry and get their arses wiped for them anyway (your name's not Camilla, is it? )

Why do you do their laundry? Why does your DH accept it as the natural order that you do the laundry? Are you a laundrywoman? do you do the neighbour's laundry too? WTF?!!!! I would actually be really angry with a DH that thought it was my natural role to clean up everyone else's shit tbh, but that's probably a separate issue.

I would just say something along the lines of "your mother expects you to do your own laundry and I agree with her. I don't want to undermine her and I realise that I might have unintentionally been doing so by allowing you to leave your laundry here, so I'm not going to let you do that anymore boys. Welcome to self-sufficiency, self-esteem and a proper respect for women which your father has unfortunately been undermining by giving you the impression that women are there to clean up after men."

Well OK, maybe I wouldn't phrase it quite like that. But you get the gist.

Haven't read all the posts yet (but I will ) but just to say YES the 20yo dss is a guest in his father's house if he doesn't live there. I don't live with my parents & consider myself a guest when I visit them (albeit one who makes cups of tea etc).

It would be different if he was younger (my dd1 is 14 & dd2 is 13 - they live with their dad but as far as I'm concerned my house is still their house too) but at 20 he is a young adult not a child.

Also I read as far as the OP saying that dss1 informed her as he was tucking into his meal that his mum was cooking for him later too - WTF? he is being a lazy sod & totally taking the piss.

YANBU!

Off to read the rest of the thread now

I haven't lived with my mother for 20 years, but will never be a guest in her house.

Just as she's not a guest in mine.

She's part of my family.

Excuse me? You do their laundry too 'cos it makes their dad 'feel good' to have you do it?

It sounds like the dad & both his sons need to be sat down somewhere & given a few basic facts about equal rights between the sexes.

I do most of the work here as I'm a SAHM but dh does help out as well as working f/t - in fact he probably does more cooking than I do. I think your dh really needs to get a grip.

dd1 & dd2 live with their dad & step-mum & if I thought they were treating their sm the way the op's dsses treat her I'd be livid. When the girls lived here I made it clear that they should help their sm on their weekends at their 'other home' just the same as they do here. Now that things are reversed the same rules still apply - in fact I've told them they should be especially considerate just now as their sm is pg.

That's interesting. I consider myself a guest in my parents' home, maybe just because they're a long way away and we only visit them twice a year, and equally I consider my parents guests in my home when they visit maybe once a year, ie I plan meals, get the guest room ready, think of outings for them as I would if it was friends visiting.

LittleBellatrixLeBoot - yes we're all part of a family but I don't pay any dig/rent money to my mum so certainly wouldn't treat her home as if it was an extension of my own just because I grew up there.

And I only live a few miles from my parents & visit every week with all 4 of my dcs. My brother also visits at the same time with his dcs & my mum feeds the lot of us. This is a long-standing arrangement that was suggested by my mum as she likes to have a day when she knows she'll see all her grandkids & loves to see them all playing together. But I still help tidy, make cups of tea & take cakes or whatever as otherwise I'd feel as though I was taking advantage.

My children will never be guests in the house. It will be their home. Yes I feed my three students who are adult and all at university and I am happy to do that and indeed most parents do. I don't see the problem. Yes, they're adults and yes we could cast them aside, make them live in rented flats all year round and spend every second of university holidays working but most families work out a workable compromise instead. Here my daughters are abroad - one working, one travelling this summer and my son is home. I don't resent him being at home and in fact he's very helpful with his brothers.

May the problem you have is being a low income family. Perhaps it's possible for you or your other half to get better paid work.

I consider myself to be a guest in my parent's home - and they in mine. I do also feel "at home" there - but that that is not the same thing. I would certainly not treat it as if it were "my home" - that would be bad manners.

Just think of some of the "am I being Unreasonable" threads, where Mumsnetters have complained about MILs (usually - but sometimes also mothers) who come into their houses and presume that they can do things/cleaning/rearranging. Everyone usually agrees that the Mumsnetters are being reasonable in being upset - yet by exntenision of the argument that some have used here, the MIls are prefectly entitiled to condier their sons houses as their homes.

I don't think it's right, but I can understand why you do it Dragonstitcher. The "I can't refuse to do it because it makes me look like I resent them" says it all for me about what it's like to be a step-mum.

I do so much for dd, things her mum doesn't do for her. A couple of examples are sorting out her costumes for school plays and book days (normally with a day's notice). I've organised every birthday party she's ever had. And yet if I tell her off for anything she gets angry with me, and I get thrown at me "you're nothing to do with me".

It hurts, it really really hurts but I do tend to shut up and put up because I'm protecting myself from being hurt. We get laid into on here just for speaking up and saying we find something difficult, and if we speak up at home it can cause conflict with the step-children. And of course, I can never do anything right in her mother's eyes.

It really is a bloody difficult job being a step-mum, far more difficult I find than being a mum,

If you are accused of being in a conspiracy with their mum, you are a GOOD stepmother.

Sod the washing, show them where the machine is and tell them to come back when it has to be emptied. Cheeky sods.

Agree with edam, there's no higher compliment to you really than being accused of being in a conspiracy with their mum.

PB I suppose that's the difference between mothers and MILs. And there's an interesting discussion to be had there (on another thread!) re boundaries, custodianship of the home, etc. TBH my mother does come into my home and clean it up and re-arrange me and half of me is driven bonkers by it and the other half is jolly glad she's cleaned this pig-sty up!

Good point Prettybird.

(Sorry I obviously meant no higher compliment in terms of doing what's right re step-parenting. Obviously there are higher compliments with regards to other aspects of your life!)

The issue here isn't about "steps", it's about Dragonstitcher being taken for granted by her DH and his sons.

Their own mother, and DS, both feel they should be learning to be more independent & responsible given their ages - and so they bloody well should be ! Their dad is letting them off the hook and encouraging dependence by placing DS in an almost impossible position. He is effectively emotionally blackmailing her by saying that if she doesn't do these things for his adult sons, she is discriminating against them.

We are not talking about an ordinary level of give and take which most families operate by .... we are talking about a sustained, regular expectation that DS will wait hand and foot on the males of the family.

Following what has been said in several previous threads about "welcoming" stepkids, I know that my parents would always have welcomed me back into their home when I was 20 (or any age) and that welcome would have included a meal if they felt so inclined, and if they had the food in. I would never however, have expected it (not even a jacket potato) as calling in without prior notice carries with it a risk that your visit might not be convenient in all sorts of ways. Of course, they would always offer a drink, biscuits etc. If I had taken to calling round every night just as they were eating expecting to be fed too, then I am sure something would soon have been said ..... just as I will to my own kids should that situation ever arise for me. It's simply manners ..... and yes, manners should apply to your own family too !

The fact DS has a low income complicates this issue but it's ridiculous (again) Xenia for you to suggest they should get better paid jobs. Did you say that tongue in cheek or do you really believe there are hoardes of people struggling by on little money who haven't thought and/or looked into doing just that ? In any case, even if DS and her DH were millionaires, that is NOT the point here. Uninvited, unexpected guests - and that includes children - may not be convenient all the time for all sorts of reasons ..... this goes back to having respect and consideration for others ....

.... Gordon Ramsay (and several other well-of people, but he's the one I can specifically quote) has said that just because his children have a rich parent, they are not going to be given an easy ride. He still wants them to appreciate the value of money and to that end, gives them £2 a week pocket money .... any more has to be earnt, though of course in his case affordability isn't the issue. Quite right too ...... in DS's case, if she did go out and magically get one of these myriad "better paid jobs" which are apparently there for the picking in Xenia-world, does that then mean that she should then dismiss any attempt at basic good manners ?

I honestly think the best thing to do with the washing is just leave it. Put it in a black bag if it's too noxious to have lying about. Just don't touch it!

Am very on your behalf.