Told off by nursery staff member - AIBU?

[SinkGirl]

This happened when I was picking my twins up yesterday, and for some reason it has really really upset me and is on my mind this morning.

My twin boys are 2.5, they both have ASD. They have been going to nursery two mornings a week since January and they love it there. One is in the baby room due to his developmental delays, the other is in the toddler room.

The staff know that my life with the boys is a whirlwind with all of the appointments, therapy, and work we are doing with them - on top of being a mum and a carer I’m basically a full time PA managing everything.

Yesterday I was waiting on a call from a consultant with some information on a test one of the boys needs to have.

I went into the toddler room to get one of the boys, there were two members of staff and three toddlers including mine (the others were asleep with the dividing blind down). I’d been in there a few minutes and they were filling me in on what he’d been up to as always, when my phone rang. Withheld number so probably the hospital - I said excuse me and went to the corner of the room to answer it.

After about 60 seconds, the room leader came over looking very concerned and said “can you get off your phone?” in a very abrupt way. The other staff member was changing my son’s nappy at the time so I thought maybe there was something wrong, so I apologised to the consultant and said I would need to call her back.

But no, she just wanted me off the phone. I then realised they must have a rule about parents not being on their phones in there, which I totally understand, but it was really important - she must have heard I was talking to his consultant from what I was saying.

If that’s the rule (which I wasn’t aware of as I’d never normally be using my phone when collecting them) that’s totally fine, but she could have just asked me to step outside until I was done - the way she told me to get off the phone made me think she needed to talk to me urgently for some reason.

I couldn’t get hold of his consultant afterwards and she’s not in now until mid next week so I won’t be able to get the info I need until then.

I don’t know why this has upset me so much - it’s made me feel like they think I’m a shitty distracted parent, I guess. It’s not like I was on Facebook or playing a game. It’s so hard trying to juggle everything and they are well aware of this. I hate breaking the rules and I hate people thinking I’m a bad parent (which happens a lot when you have toddlers with ASD!).

I think a large part of my reaction is the fact that I’m a dreadful perfectionist and never feel like I’m doing a good enough job. I’m sure most people would think I’m overreacting and to be honest I agree that I am, but it’s really bothering me much more than it should.

If she’d just asked me to step out or gestured for me to do so I would of course have done that, I would never knowingly break a rule like this. We’ve spent a lot of time at children’s centres where you’re not allowed to use your phone at all and I never have.

Argh, why am I so upset about this? Am I just being ridiculous?

OP so your needs trump that of children in the room that may have safeguarding neeDS? Children who could be in real danger if a photo appears online of them at their nursery. This is a very really issue for some children. Nurserys don't make rules like this willy nilly, they do it to protect children from very real dangers in their life. No tne staff member didn't explain to you the specifics of why you had to stop tne call because it's none of your business, possibly by court order . Yes you have very real worries but so does every other parent with kids in that room and you need to be responsible. I'm sure you can avoid using a phone for the short amount of time it takes to pick up your child.

I think it’s pretty safe to say this thread has moved on a fair bit from the initial post. I know this is AIBU but sometimes posters need to take a step back and realise that a bit of kindness is needed.

Jeez Dana if you've Rtft and still bulldoze in with those posts you're displaying astronomical levels of insensitivity & rudeness. But you carry on doing you

Again, learn to read - this is all covered if you could be arsed.

A short while ago he was called in for some endocrine testing. We’ve now had a call booking him in for a much more complex and involved test for a related condition which is life threatening. I don’t know if the reason they’ve called us in is because they’re being thorough or because that last test indicated that he has this condition. All I got was a call from a nurse to book it in, with info on preparing for the test and how to handle that given his other health issues. I don’t know if he has it - that’s what the test is for, to find out. Understandably it’s a bit bloody worrying, to put it mildly. If you’d read my other posts you’d understand how much we’ve been kept in the dark / misled about tests and results and why this is a big source of anxiety for me. The last test he had, we ended up in exactly the same situation (that was ordered by a doctor I’ve never even met, whose name I didn’t know, because his consultant left without handing over).

From my OP: Yesterday I was waiting on a call from a consultant with some information on a test one of the boys needs to have.

Frankly that’s all the information necessary, although I did elaborate later on if you bothered to read it, but the exact details of my son’s health are frankly not your business. I said the call was urgent and it was, I don’t understand why you think you need to know why.

If you disbelieve me, feel free to advance search my username with posts going back a couple of years about the medical issues we’ve been facing.

OP so your needs trump that of children in the room that may have safeguarding neeDS?

FFS - I did not say that. I said both things could be achieved by telling me to go outside (politely or rudely, I don’t care) rather than telling me to hang up the phone.

You could have gone outside, it's not tne staff members responsibility to suggest that. It's their responsibility to stop you using the phone in tne room with children which they did. I'm sure they have more of portent things to do than suggest possible options to you.

@my2bundles Have you actually read any of the OP's posts? Where did she say her needs trumped those of the children in the nursery? 1. She didn't know there was a rule about phones (it wouldn't have crossed my mind, either - though mine were little long before mobile phones). 2. She thought she was being asked to end the call because there was something wrong with her child, not because she was breaking a rule that she didn't know about. At no point has she even vaguely hinted that she had a right to override the nursery's rules. I despair.

It's her attitude that her phone call is more important. She has also failed to respond to posts that inform her of the serious reasons why phones are not allowed.

Next time you’re there, headline that you may get a hospital call and can you step into their office to receive.

Op, If I were you I would step away from this thread now. It sounds to me as though you are doing a fantastic job under extremely difficult circumstances. You have a tremendous amount of stress and worry and I’m not surprised you got upset. If possible, I think you really need to try to find a bit of time for yourself. Some of the comments on here have been really unkind and unhelpful and will only serve to upset you more, which you really don’t deserve. Take care

my2bundles the OP has said she now understands the reason for the rule, that she acknowledges it was her mistake in not being aware of the rule and that she values the importance the nursery place on safeguarding. She has therefore acknowledged comments from other posters explaining why no phones.

How far away were you from outside though OP - its a serious safeguard concern that if another parent had seen and complained to Ofsted about (yes you can complain and trigger an inspection) they could have been downgraded on. You walking through somewhere to get outside means further safeguarding concerns.

The Room Leader really had no choice at that point but to tell you to get off the phone - yes she maybe could have been politer but given the consequences if another parent had seen and complain you could see her concern.

I would talk to them and ask how they feel phone calls from the hospital should be handled if it does happen in the brief moment that you are there. The fact that the consultant is now away just seems awful bad luck though

Op needs to put salient information in first post. I haven't got time to trawl through pages and pages looking for dripfeeds

This ^^its the op keepi it going, she's trolling herself.

And yet you grace her and indeed us with your uninformed pearls of wisdom Dana. Truly thankful for your contributions today

I think you need to step back and realise that the world doesn't revolve around you. They have the no mobile rule for everyone for good reason.

You come across as rude. Of course the call was important and this is a stressful time for you, but the nursery staff didn't know the nature of the call. You were flouting a blanket rule.

I get it. I have a ds with complex special needs. When I am run down I am over sensitive.
The thing is you are giving a ton of reasons why you did what you did and why you are so upset (and those are understandable) but you also have no idea what is going on with the nursery worker. You both were wrong. Maybe she was abrupt? Maybe she recently found out her mom had cancer, or she had a miscarriage, or any other thing? Maybe she was just sick of having to remind parents of the rules? You are offering up a lot of reasons why you made a mistake, but there is no understanding of why the nursery worker may have been abrupt.

I am generally perceived by the public as having no clue what I'm doing as a parent. My child has massive violent public meltdowns. People have often told me what I'm doing wrong... You get a thicker skin over time. I can be a perfectionist too, and I had to get over that really fast for my own sanity. I think you are being way too hard on yourself and with that I think we often end up being too hard on others because we expect them to know what it going on with us. They don't. They have their own stuff. The nursery worker is likely over this and didn't give it a second thought. If she did though, it's ok too. It's not your issue. One of my favourite quotes is "What other people think of you is none of your business".
It's ok to be embarrassed and to have a good cry. I think though you're focusing on this nursery worker because the other stuff seems too hard.

Oh god, I know mumsnet isn't just for women, but when I read some of these posts from women, other mothers, I think where the fuck is your empathy?

OP I'm sorry because of this misunderstanding of you thinking the staff needed you to get off the phone for a reason, instead of because they aren't allowed, you have to wait now til next week to find out this info from the consultant. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. My son had so many possible health problems in the first few years, resulting from prematurity and having a brain haemmorhage. Tests for his physical health and mental health. It was so full of worry and stress and I would lie in bed at night consumed by what the future held, for both of us. You're right - people that have been through it understand.

Others here, well, it's fine to have a different opinion and share it with you, but the fucking rudeness of people makes me despair. MN is a place that's supposed to be supportive, not a competition to see who can be the most smug, patronisizing, aggressive poster on here.

I'm sorry things are so tough right now OP

I've been there myself, with the juggling multiple medical appts and applications whilst dealing with all the normal family stuff and a hefty increased dose of worry/stress!

It does make you more sensitive, particularly if you're already quite sensitive or perfectionist-inclined.

Then 2 things happen at once:

1. You feel like you've been scolded for something you didn't know you weren't supposed to do. Of course these feels unfair (as a child most of us would feel furious and then upset).
   Finding out and accepting yourself that you were in the wrong doesn't make it feel better! It makes it feel worse because now your feelings of anger/upset have nowhere to go but towards yourself, especially if doing things 'right' is already extremely important to you.

2. You've also got an extra dose of stress heaped on you and the frustration of knowing it could have happened differently.

I would say in this situation that you've done nothing deliberately wrong. It was an accident, and you're human and allowed to make accidents, especially when you've got so much else going on.

Try not to let your (normal when under stress!) feelings of upset turn inward on yourself. You don't deserve it. If I were you, I would spend a few minutes in the evening with a hot chocolate and write down an angry/upset letter about everything I was feeling - not to send it, but just to get out all of your thoughts, "justifiable" or not. It may feel like a release.

And then just be kinder to yourself. Unfortunately, you won't always get it from other people (nice when it happens), but you can always be kind/gentle/comforting to yourself. How would you treat a friend going under such stress or reassure/comfort them? Do that for yourself.

OP - you're running on absolute empty keeping all these plates spinning and probably being spoken to in a really quite condescending (and unintentional but still it irks) way by umpteen professionals. You're caught with a system where communication never quite works as smoothly as it should do... and someone being a little bit snippy in their tone is niggling a lot more than it normally would do. The bear pit that can be AIBU doesn't help matters either on this front.

I've had my phone on in my kids' school - on vibrate, with the agreement of the deputy head because I was waiting for a callback from a medical bod and as soon as it buzzed in my hand I exited the room and went and hid in the visitor's toilet to take the call (nearest room in the building with no children in it not in use at the time). No issues - it's the being on the phone in the room with the kids that's really been the issue here. Next time sod hanging up, just ask the person on the phone to hang on 10 seconds, tell the staff you need to take it and you'll be straight back and duck out of the room... and start pretending to be a bit more confident in it all (note I'm not saying change how you feel but blag it) - it honestly helps when you're dealing with a bajillion different professionals and organisations - once you start acting like it you start feeling like it and then you can feel a bit more in control of some of your own situation - when you're going through all of these diagnostic processes you can feel a bit of a helpless bystander at times.

Worth having a look at the SN forums on here as well - bit more understanding than AIBU which isn't soft and fluffy at the best of times.

Thank you onefootinthegrave and others who have offered support.

The ASD and the important call was the salient information - the ASD because a) its the reason they’re in separate rooms at nursery and b) because it’s very feasible that they may need my assistance during a nappy change if I’m there since it takes two people to change him safely.

I was about 2 metres away from the room exit, along a straight wall. I could have dashed out in a couple of seconds if I was told to. As I’ve said, she did have another option which was to either say “no phones in here” or even do the phone hand thingie (!) and point to the door. I would have left immediately.

I am categorically not rude - I am polite to a fault. Which is why, when I asked I immediately told my son’s consultant I had to go, ended a very important call knowing I may struggle to speak to her again, said nothing apart from “I’m sorry”, collected my other son, got them outside and then burst into tears. I didn’t argue or talk back, I didn’t complain or make a fuss. I did as I was told despite the impact on me, and yet some people are determined to paint me as a selfish twat who thinks my needs trump others. Knock yourself out. I know I was in the wrong and said so from the outset.

Anyway, this has all become bloody ridiculous so I’ll step away. Thanks to everyone who’s been so supportive, I forgot how bloody hideous AIBU is.