Told off by nursery staff member - AIBU?

[SinkGirl]

This happened when I was picking my twins up yesterday, and for some reason it has really really upset me and is on my mind this morning.

My twin boys are 2.5, they both have ASD. They have been going to nursery two mornings a week since January and they love it there. One is in the baby room due to his developmental delays, the other is in the toddler room.

The staff know that my life with the boys is a whirlwind with all of the appointments, therapy, and work we are doing with them - on top of being a mum and a carer I’m basically a full time PA managing everything.

Yesterday I was waiting on a call from a consultant with some information on a test one of the boys needs to have.

I went into the toddler room to get one of the boys, there were two members of staff and three toddlers including mine (the others were asleep with the dividing blind down). I’d been in there a few minutes and they were filling me in on what he’d been up to as always, when my phone rang. Withheld number so probably the hospital - I said excuse me and went to the corner of the room to answer it.

After about 60 seconds, the room leader came over looking very concerned and said “can you get off your phone?” in a very abrupt way. The other staff member was changing my son’s nappy at the time so I thought maybe there was something wrong, so I apologised to the consultant and said I would need to call her back.

But no, she just wanted me off the phone. I then realised they must have a rule about parents not being on their phones in there, which I totally understand, but it was really important - she must have heard I was talking to his consultant from what I was saying.

If that’s the rule (which I wasn’t aware of as I’d never normally be using my phone when collecting them) that’s totally fine, but she could have just asked me to step outside until I was done - the way she told me to get off the phone made me think she needed to talk to me urgently for some reason.

I couldn’t get hold of his consultant afterwards and she’s not in now until mid next week so I won’t be able to get the info I need until then.

I don’t know why this has upset me so much - it’s made me feel like they think I’m a shitty distracted parent, I guess. It’s not like I was on Facebook or playing a game. It’s so hard trying to juggle everything and they are well aware of this. I hate breaking the rules and I hate people thinking I’m a bad parent (which happens a lot when you have toddlers with ASD!).

I think a large part of my reaction is the fact that I’m a dreadful perfectionist and never feel like I’m doing a good enough job. I’m sure most people would think I’m overreacting and to be honest I agree that I am, but it’s really bothering me much more than it should.

If she’d just asked me to step out or gestured for me to do so I would of course have done that, I would never knowingly break a rule like this. We’ve spent a lot of time at children’s centres where you’re not allowed to use your phone at all and I never have.

Argh, why am I so upset about this? Am I just being ridiculous?

Like I said, it isnt the staffs responsibility to give you options with your call. It's their responsibility to care for the children.

If there were kids sleeping perhaps they thought you would wake them. There is a thing about not having mobiles in nursery’s etc it is a safeguarding thing to stop people taking pictures .....there have been cases of abuse that has taken place in nursery settings so they are right to enforce that. Why didn’t you leave the room to take the call?

I think you’re being dramatic and a bit egotistical.

I don’t think the staff know or care that your life is apparently a ‘whirlwind with appointments’, they’re not looking at you with a magnifying glass. They probably weren’t even paying attention to your conversation. They’re upholding the same rules that they do with other parents. Surely you don’t need to be told to step outside to take a phone call?

This definitely doesn’t warrant tears.

I feel for you, I do, and in the grand scheme of things you didn't do much wrong. However please don't complain about the nursery staff, as others have suggested, as although their response wasn't very empathic, it definitely doesn't warrant a complaint.

It’s obvious that you’re stressed out due to other things happening in your life, which is making you blow this non-event out of proportion.

It was not the Op's mistake. OFSTED state that it's the nursery's responsibility to have a mobile phones policy (doesn't have to be a ban) and to ensure that all parents are aware of that policy.

If the Op was unaware, the nursery is at fault.

You did nothing intentionally wrong on this one occasion, sod her and think no more of it. She could see you were on the phone call and was bloody rude and intrusive. She should have told you to take the call outside.

Vegan cow OP shouldn't have been on tbe phone in the first place, it's a nursery not her office.

It seems odd/pedantic to see "can you get off your phone" and "can you take the call outside" as being completely different requests though. The nursery staff member probably didn't give much thought to the turn of phrase she was using.

You're over thinking understandably, I am a single parent to a child with additional needs so do understand.

At my DDs Nursery I usually say "I'm expecting a call from her X consultant so will have to take it when it comes in" and if it comes in while I'm in the room they'll let me answer but direct me to the office or an unused side room so I can take the call. Could you try that next time? I find the Nursery want to help but can't if they don't know what's happening

You’re really not coming across well here OP. Might be time to step away from the thread.

OP: am I being unreasonable?

Almost everyone: yes

OP: no I’m not

Honestly, the sheer ridiculousness of some of the comments has actually cheered me up - I’m feeling much better now because this has demonstrated quite how ludicrous my concerns are.

Is someone actually suggesting that I hung up the call and screwed myself out of valuable information to be pedantic?! Obviously if I thought she’d meant “either hang up or go outside” i would’ve gone outside! “Sorry Doctor X, I know you’re taking up very precious time to call me, but I’m going to take this literally just to make a point so I’ll be hanging up now”

If there are people who’d cut their nose off to spite their face, and then do nothing but apologise afterwards, I think a good psychiatrist would have a field day with them.

And egotistical? 😂 They know about all their appointments because, as requested, I fill in their book each week with the appointments we’ve had, the outcomes, and I scan in and make copies of every clinic letter / report I get, because they’ve asked me to do so. So they know we’ve had at least one different medical / therapy appointment for at least one twin every day this week, and that more testing is on the horizon. If you’ve had a child with additional needs you’ll know there’s (supposed to be) a lot of liaison between the team around the child / family. Of course they bloody know.

That morning we went through DT1’s support plan in detail prior to an area SENCO visit and discussed various things about how they’re doing and how I’m managing. So it’s not egotistical to say that they know I’m overrun with appointments and reports and plans because they get told about all of it, at their request.

Again, it’s not even the tone - perhaps she was having a bloody shocking day, we all have them. I obviously made an error, inadvertently but it was still my error. I’ve been pretty clear why it upset me, so I won’t rehash it.

I just find it truly bizarre that some people genuinely want to think the absolute worst of everyone, even when it means deliberately ignoring what they’ve heard / read. It’s very odd (and there’s been a fair bit of pedantry, come to think of it).

Yes, I was very upset this morning. I had a disproportionate emotional response to one thing in a long list of things that are happening right now. I woke up at 3:30am and couldn’t get back to sleep, and sitting in a quiet house with space to think made me very emotional, especially with the lack of information hanging over me into next week.

Still, seeing the way some people here behave has made me feel much better - I could always be having a shit time and also be an arsehole who enjoys kicking people when they’re down. Every cloud...

Will stick to the SN boards in future, thanks to those who’ve suggested it. I’m on the waiting list for an Early Bird course, and I’m forking out a lot of money to take a PECS course in June so I can make sure I’m getting that right - hoping those will be good ways to meet some local people facing similar issues.

not everybody automatically understands these kind of social (and official) rules

how patronising. I am sure the OP does understand, but was waiting on an improtant call and didn't thiknk for a second.

All of you who are saying how unreasonable she was and screaming safeguarding, I wonder if you know how difficult it actually is to get hold of a consultant and get them to call you back? My mother can go weeks trying to get hold of her consultant, and I mean weeks. Not days or hours.

You’re really not coming across well here OP. Might be time to step away from the thread

OP's coming across just fine, it's quite a few of the other posters here that are showing their true colours in the way they deliver their opinions.

OP, I'm glad these fools have cheered you up. The SEN board is fantastic. I have got some wonderful advice from them re my DS. Look forward to having sensible and empathic conversations with you over there. Where we may well disagree, but I'm sure we'll do it in a more civil and adult way than on this thread

EmeraldRubyShark

**OP: am I being unreasonable?

Almost everyone: yes

OP: no I’m not angry
**

What a nasty, inappropriate post with an OP who is clearly in a stressed state about hospital tests for one of her DC and needing to speak to her consultant. That type of post always gets on my nerves, as it’s so childish, but it could be humour on some threads. Not on this one.

And the responses are not nearly as unanimous as you’re making out, which is often the case when someone comes up with that type of post.

The OP knows she shouldn’t have answered the phone. She’s distressed about the fact that she still hasn’t managed to speak to the consultant.

I’ve been there, particular with regards to DD1’s needs, waiting for calls from professionals. It’s extremely stressful.

I also wanted to say, unsmumsnetty hugs to you, OP, and I hope you get the answers you need soon.

Of course it’s stressful Lizzie48. Many people including me have empathised and said it’s understandable OP is stressed and that the stress has probably contributed to her reaction in this case. But her tone has gotten increasingly nasty on a thread where she sought opinions. I wouldn’t have made that point had the thread not ended up going in this (predictable for AIBU) way, where someone implies they genuinely wish to know if they’re being unreasonable due to being too close to the situation to assess for themselves, but then comes out swinging and gets nasty when their question is answered .

But she hasn’t got nasty as far as I can see, she’s just upset. You, on the other hand, have been pretty goady.

She’s actually admitted that she was U in answering the phone. She just hasn’t appreciated being called egotistical or moany, when she is in a particularly difficult place where some compassion wouldn’t go amiss.

Hope things go okay when you do speak to the consultant OP

It all sounds like the sort of thing you’d be able to shrug right off if you weren’t so overloaded by everything else, or if you’d been able to get back through to the consultant straight away.
The nursery worker has probably forgotten all about it by now.

FWIW, the nurseries we used had great big “no mobiles allowed” signs in prominent positions, so it would have been difficult for a parent to be unaware of the phone ban. Sounds like your nursery could use a few of those!

Her tone hasn't got nasty. In fact she's been very restrained - but that's probably because she's got so many more important things to worry about than some of the replies that have belittled or dismissed her children's serious health conditions. God, if half the people on MN spoke like this in real life, they would keep dentists in business for years.

I don't really understand why the op didn't leave the room/building if it was such an important call.

Oops meant to post that on the vegan debate thread^