Told off by nursery staff member - AIBU?

[SinkGirl]

This happened when I was picking my twins up yesterday, and for some reason it has really really upset me and is on my mind this morning.

My twin boys are 2.5, they both have ASD. They have been going to nursery two mornings a week since January and they love it there. One is in the baby room due to his developmental delays, the other is in the toddler room.

The staff know that my life with the boys is a whirlwind with all of the appointments, therapy, and work we are doing with them - on top of being a mum and a carer I’m basically a full time PA managing everything.

Yesterday I was waiting on a call from a consultant with some information on a test one of the boys needs to have.

I went into the toddler room to get one of the boys, there were two members of staff and three toddlers including mine (the others were asleep with the dividing blind down). I’d been in there a few minutes and they were filling me in on what he’d been up to as always, when my phone rang. Withheld number so probably the hospital - I said excuse me and went to the corner of the room to answer it.

After about 60 seconds, the room leader came over looking very concerned and said “can you get off your phone?” in a very abrupt way. The other staff member was changing my son’s nappy at the time so I thought maybe there was something wrong, so I apologised to the consultant and said I would need to call her back.

But no, she just wanted me off the phone. I then realised they must have a rule about parents not being on their phones in there, which I totally understand, but it was really important - she must have heard I was talking to his consultant from what I was saying.

If that’s the rule (which I wasn’t aware of as I’d never normally be using my phone when collecting them) that’s totally fine, but she could have just asked me to step outside until I was done - the way she told me to get off the phone made me think she needed to talk to me urgently for some reason.

I couldn’t get hold of his consultant afterwards and she’s not in now until mid next week so I won’t be able to get the info I need until then.

I don’t know why this has upset me so much - it’s made me feel like they think I’m a shitty distracted parent, I guess. It’s not like I was on Facebook or playing a game. It’s so hard trying to juggle everything and they are well aware of this. I hate breaking the rules and I hate people thinking I’m a bad parent (which happens a lot when you have toddlers with ASD!).

I think a large part of my reaction is the fact that I’m a dreadful perfectionist and never feel like I’m doing a good enough job. I’m sure most people would think I’m overreacting and to be honest I agree that I am, but it’s really bothering me much more than it should.

If she’d just asked me to step out or gestured for me to do so I would of course have done that, I would never knowingly break a rule like this. We’ve spent a lot of time at children’s centres where you’re not allowed to use your phone at all and I never have.

Argh, why am I so upset about this? Am I just being ridiculous?

After about 60 seconds, the room leader came over looking very concerned and said “can you get off your phone?” in a very abrupt way

She was acting in a professional manner and probably used the appropriate tone but you could have misinterpreted that as you are used to her being chatty and smiley when talking about your DC.

Ah, I see. Thank you for explaining again. I know some nurseries have the whole lot in one room, but I don't think they allow parents in past the reception area in this set up.

I do understand why this has upset you and I don't think you are unreasonable.

I do wish people would think before they speak like this. One of my parents was very upset because, having been caught in appalling traffic after an equally bad day, she was late collecting her child from preschool and the head teacher lectured her like a naughty child.
She, too, arrived at my house sobbing. There's no need for it!

Op seriously move on and stop fussing it's such a minor thing. Go and have a nice day. You were told to get off your phone no biggy. Don't sweat the small stuff, life 8s too short.

I’m amazed that you are allowed into a toddler room where small children are sleeping and one is having a nappy change (albeit your own child). Is that not a bit unusual in nurseries? Yes that does sound a bit odd.

Ignore all the unkind posts. Nobody with an ounce of understanding for your situation would have anything other than sympathy. I would have done the same as you, and I'd have felt the same afterwards.

I don’t think posts have been unkind as such. I think they have pointed out that the OP has an issue that needs to be addressed. It’s probably more helpful than a here here and pat on the back.

I do understand what it’s like. While mine are now teens and young adults I had one with ASD, one born with physical disabilities (several months in NICU at birth and endless operations and hospitalisations in the early years and still has significant health issues) and an incredibly high/stress job where I was literally responsible for life and death matters. It was a juggle. It mentally fucks you up. Totally. However instead of posting on an Internet forum to ask if you are being unreasonable the key would be to seek professional assistance. I had to. It was crucial. It also seems crucial for the OP given the content of subsequent posts. There’s the old saying of if you fall apart then who’s going to look after the kids blah blah, naff but incredibly true. Sometimes kids therapies etc just have to wait while you put your life jacket on so you are able to put theirs on. That’s the reality and that’s what most people seem to be trying to convey here.

Should add, another tip for OP is a huge whiteboard at home if you are forgetting things etc. I turned up to the wrong kids appointment on the wrong day. The next day a huge whiteboard had been installed on one of my walls at home. It’s crucial at work and stuff like this really works when you are overloaded and overwhelmed. Stuff what it looks like, if it’s what you need to get through!

One of my biggest fears is coming across as an incompetent, neglectful or otherwise shit parent to professionals - right now they’re all on my side and motivated to help us. I’m terrified of screwing that up.

Now if you don't mind my saying so, that is an irrational worry. Two reasons. First, the professionals would still help you even if you were the shittest parent on earth, for your DC's sake. They encounter a lot of shit parenting in a day's work and they do their best for the parents and their children. And second because you are so obviously not a shit parent, but the exact opposite.

And you don't have to be 100 per cent perfect, on every tiny detail, to be a very very good parent. You are even allowed to have the occasional slip-up (if you ever do!) on account of being, you know, human, and you'll still be a better parent than most of us ever have to be

Even just doing something simple like posting in the goose and carrot thread on the SN chat board can help simply because it’s full of people who get it!

Thank you so much to those of you who understand.

I think context is everything. For example, back in November I had a call from a different consultant’s secretary moving one twin’s appointment forward by 3 months to the next available appointment, which was 4 weeks after the phone call. She said it was very important that both parents attend which has never been said to me before. We knew that the only thing outstanding from this consultant was a specific test result for a specific serious genetic disorder. We obviously instantly assumed it was a positive result - we cried, we researched, we started coming to terms with it.

Got to the appointment and the test hadn’t even been done due to an admin error.

Now we’ve been called in for a test for an serious endocrine disorder without knowing why, and whether this is because of the last test he had for something related a few months ago now because we still don’t have that result. I was just trying to find out why he needs the test and whether it was speculative (which is exactly the same thing that happened with the last test). It took me all week just to arrange for them to call me. The condition is life threatening so it’s a massive worry, alongside the four other conditions he already has.

I am on edge of a cliff all the time. I know most people don’t live that way, but sadly I do. Doesn’t take much to shove me off the edge, I guess. My biggest fear right now is that they’re going to bring it up on Monday and I’ll fall apart.

My biggest fear right now is that they’re going to bring it up on Monday and I’ll fall apart.

Would it be helpful if you decided you would bring it up? Say something like 'sorry about the phone thing last week, I know I should have taken the call outside but we've been so worried about what the consultant will say that I was so focused on that phone call' - something like that? You can even practice. It might make you feel more in control than the fear (probably unfounded, but that won't make it go away) that they'll 'tell you off' again and you'll get very upset.

It's very unlikely they will bring it up but if you're going to fret about it, why not get your DH to phone the manager and apologise on your behalf. No need to complain about the room leader. Just bring the matter to a close.

I'd also suggest that your DH needs to cut down on his working hours because you are clearly at your wits end (understandably) and can't continue like this indefinitely.

And very importantly, remember this from your opening post;

They have been going to nursery two mornings a week since January and they love it there

I think her rudeness was uncalled for.

Personally I would have waited until you were finished and explained the safeguarding policy to you and let you know we were there to support you and your children as well, no need to be an arse about it. Not everyone knows about policies etc.

@SinkGirl so sorry this staff member was so rude to you. I agree with other posters that maybe taking control of the situation on Monday and explaining the importance of the call was the reason you had to take it urgently in the toddler room.
You sound like you are under so much stress at the moment that there is no way the nursery would not understand your reason for taking a very important call, regarding your child's health.
Look after yourself

Six of one, half a dozen of the other. You shouldn’t have taken the call in the room, straightforward safeguarding, but she could have been less abrupt.
Forget it and move on. Sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job for your boys.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

Worrying about looking like a shit parent isn't remotely irrational. The whole dynamic, as I described, is geared towards feeling that way if you're someone who's usually efficient and compliant. In particular:

• If you seem non-compliant or disorganised, medics may be less inclined to make that phonecall to you as quickly/listen to you open-mindedly about symptoms/reorganise the appointment you've managed to miss.
• Medics will need to involve social services for families who don't seem to be coping.
• Medics are hugely hot on factitious illness at the moment.

These are just some of the reasons that mothers of children with chronic conditions might be worried about seeming less than compliant/helpful/brilliant at parenting. Not saying that they're actually objectively pressing concerns for the OP, but it's not entirely irrational to worry about these things. I know may other parents who've dealt with this stuff would agree.

@SinkGirl, I really agree with the above post - better to bring it up yourself with the staff, and just apologise and explain. Could you bear to be open and just say how you're treading water at the moment, having to handle everything - it might give them the chance to acknowledge the thing that really needs acknowledging? xx

I understand how you feel OP. Not everyone knows about the phone rule. I imagine the nursery worker is so used to it she forgets that it's definitely not obvious. We were allowed to bring phones into DC's nursery (youngest left 2 years ago) which was part of a school. As long as we didn't take photos of anyone else's children.

Ex nursery staff here. If I didn’t ask you to get off the phone or allowed you to finish the conversation, I’d be in trouble. Major trouble

You are under extreme pressure and worries, I understand that I really do as I have children with severe medical needs and special needs. I understand how exhausting it. I also understand that the nursery staff are also under pressure running a room, their concern is the welfare of all the children and addressing parents when they need to. It might have seemed out of order to you but to tne staff it was yet another parent exploiting the rules that are set to safeguard every single child.I'm sure they are annoyed they have to police this when they should be caring for the children. Yes I understand the pressures you are under very much so but that is not tne priority of the nursery staff who have all the children to safe guard.

Your kid has asd not cancer

You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about. He doesn’t only have ASD, he has three other diagnoses including a visual impairment, brain damage and extremely rare endocrine issues from birth, and the condition they’re testing for is life threatening (as in, could be fine one day then catch a cold and die the next day if he has it). The consultant couldn’t call me back because she was called to deal with an emergency is now away until mid next week. You may not feel that getting clarification on whether this test is being done as a precaution or because they’ve already found an indication that he has it is urgent, but given that I haven’t slept more than a couple of hours a night all week and am terrified, it feels pretty bloody urgent to me.

It’s amusing that you think that consultant spend their precious time calling parents about things that aren’t important. As if.

As for your first line, learn to read FFS.

netflix really? You’d be in major trouble if you signalled someone in this situation to go outside to take the call rather than telling them to put it down? I call bullshit.

If you can't tell the difference between using their phone to talk to someone and someone taking photos with it then maybe you're not ready to be out on your own .

Can you really not see that maybe the staff member wasn’t intentionally rude, maybe it came out sharper than she usually would say it, maybe she had just had some bad news and wasn’t her usual self, or maybe you were the 10th person that day she had to remind of the rules and she was at the end of her tether. Whatever the reason, if you usually don’t have a problem with how she speaks to you, you really need to let this one go and chalk it up to a bad day for both of you. You have an enormous amount on your plate and I’m sure she hasn’t given the incident a second thought since xx

Bit of dripfeed there that your dc now has a life threatening condition that you felt irrele ant to include, but do include asd
In your the consultant was calling you about a test your ds was going to have, but now it's about the result 🙄
And why are you being aggressive to everyone, like the. Most people have worries and stressors in their life. It's not all about you

Even if it’s “just” autism your showing just how clueless about the day to day impact that has on a family dana

If you can't tell the difference between using their phone to talk to someone and someone taking photos with it then maybe you're not ready to be out on your own

Oh Dear God - IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT THE REASON IS - PHONES ARNT ALLOWED!!! “Hello Mrs A yes its fine for you to have a conversation, I can tell you’re not using your camera and yes of course Ofsted will understand this logic”, “sorry Mrs B I cant really tell if you’re using your camera or texting so kindly put it away”