Told off by nursery staff member - AIBU?

[SinkGirl]

This happened when I was picking my twins up yesterday, and for some reason it has really really upset me and is on my mind this morning.

My twin boys are 2.5, they both have ASD. They have been going to nursery two mornings a week since January and they love it there. One is in the baby room due to his developmental delays, the other is in the toddler room.

The staff know that my life with the boys is a whirlwind with all of the appointments, therapy, and work we are doing with them - on top of being a mum and a carer I’m basically a full time PA managing everything.

Yesterday I was waiting on a call from a consultant with some information on a test one of the boys needs to have.

I went into the toddler room to get one of the boys, there were two members of staff and three toddlers including mine (the others were asleep with the dividing blind down). I’d been in there a few minutes and they were filling me in on what he’d been up to as always, when my phone rang. Withheld number so probably the hospital - I said excuse me and went to the corner of the room to answer it.

After about 60 seconds, the room leader came over looking very concerned and said “can you get off your phone?” in a very abrupt way. The other staff member was changing my son’s nappy at the time so I thought maybe there was something wrong, so I apologised to the consultant and said I would need to call her back.

But no, she just wanted me off the phone. I then realised they must have a rule about parents not being on their phones in there, which I totally understand, but it was really important - she must have heard I was talking to his consultant from what I was saying.

If that’s the rule (which I wasn’t aware of as I’d never normally be using my phone when collecting them) that’s totally fine, but she could have just asked me to step outside until I was done - the way she told me to get off the phone made me think she needed to talk to me urgently for some reason.

I couldn’t get hold of his consultant afterwards and she’s not in now until mid next week so I won’t be able to get the info I need until then.

I don’t know why this has upset me so much - it’s made me feel like they think I’m a shitty distracted parent, I guess. It’s not like I was on Facebook or playing a game. It’s so hard trying to juggle everything and they are well aware of this. I hate breaking the rules and I hate people thinking I’m a bad parent (which happens a lot when you have toddlers with ASD!).

I think a large part of my reaction is the fact that I’m a dreadful perfectionist and never feel like I’m doing a good enough job. I’m sure most people would think I’m overreacting and to be honest I agree that I am, but it’s really bothering me much more than it should.

If she’d just asked me to step out or gestured for me to do so I would of course have done that, I would never knowingly break a rule like this. We’ve spent a lot of time at children’s centres where you’re not allowed to use your phone at all and I never have.

Argh, why am I so upset about this? Am I just being ridiculous?

Like I say, if I were using my phone’s camera or I were a persistent offender I’d totally understand being shitty

But you could have been pretending to be on the phone whilst recording a video? I know you weren’t but that’s why they have a blanket ban.

It sounds like if they had just said ' Can you take that outside' there wouldn't have been an issue. By phrasing it as they did, it made it sounds as though a) there was something urgent to do with one of the children that needed attending to immediately or b) they disapproved of the op being in the phone at pick up. Had they said 'can you take that outside please' then the OP probably wouldn't be feeling so judged.

You need to make time for you. It’s not easy (been there done that still sporting the t shirt!) but you can’t do best for everyone if your not taking care of yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Reading can wait. Use some of that time to join support groups (much more useful than reading!) and seek councilling and support for houself

I think the real problem here is the impossibility of contacting NHS staff who have important information, and can only call you once, at an unspecified and possibly inconvenient time of their choosing, to impart this information. It is not the consultant's fault, of course, but if you had been able to call back 5 minutes later and have the conversation you needed to have, you would have forgotten the incident.

What rankles, I think, is that this incident placed you between a rock and a hard place, and you ended up getting disapproved of by two inflexible systems while doing your best to meet your children's needs. There was nothing you could do right, basically.

Id it the weather that’s making the high horses gallop around or have they poisoned the water with arsehole again?!

Context is key people!

You feel the way you do this morning @SinkGirl because you’ve reached your limit and are doing your absolute best. You know you didn’t go about taking the call in the best way but I can totally understand the panic and fluster when an important call you’ve been waiting for all day comes in with totally bad timing. And you know what? No, the nursery worker didn’t have to challenge you like that. They had to challenge you, yes but not in that way.

for you. Don’t give it any more headspace and try and move on with your day.

I thought you'd say there's no time for you, and I'm sure there isn't. Is another morning of nursery impossible (are you getting 15 hours and are you using them all?)? You say they enjoy it and one more morning could give you space to have a counseling session. An hour a week could make a massive difference. There'll be a waiting list but I can't imagine any GP wouldn't refer you for counselling in your situation. There also might be more specialist services or support groups relating to your DC's diagnoses?

You are being too hard on yourself OP.

As pp have said, you sound like you are at breaking point. No one is perfect. Try not to put that pressure on yourself. Nobody would be expected to do a better job than you are doing looking after your two DC.

There will be times when things are missed, or less than perfect, that doesn't mean you have failed. It means there is too much for one person to reasonably manage.

Please look seriously at what support you have, what time you can carve out for yourself. You need to look after yourself in order to care for your family. Is there a DP on the scene? How much do they do in terms of managing appointments, doing research etc?

Try to let the nursery incident go. It's really not significant.

I think there is a way to talk to people and she didn't follow that way. You may have been in the wrong, but she didn't have to talk to you like that.

On the other hand, maybe she didn't mean to sound so abrupt as she did.

I think I'd have gone out as soon as I answered and knew it was the consultant. Or when 'told off' I'd have said it's the consultant and left the room/building etc.

I think you're probably feeling a bit humiliated, and upset that you ended a call with someone difficult to get hold of, when realistically the nursery worker could have quite easily mouthed/whispered 'can you take it outside, please?' and that would have been it. My DS has ASD and it's a nightmare trying to get hold of doctors, paediatricians, OTs, SALT, etc. I understand your frustration and YANBU.

I had to take a call in work last week, unfortunately my boss was right in front of me when it happened.
In the few seconds the phone was ringing I had time to say ‘ this is important, about my son I’ll skip my break’
My boss nodded and as I answered the call I walked outside for privacy.

It’s hard to always get it right.
You sound like a super parent
Think time you didn’t get it right - neither did they but they have rules on their side.

Take care op

I read up the thread you use the nursery time to plan & research. I was just going to suggest you find a nice coffee shop to do this in one day a week. Get yourself a coffee and a nice bun, treat yourself x

I do think it was a misunderstanding, the room leader wouldn't realise how important the call was, but also she was abrupt. So next time you see the room leader ask her if you should step outside when you get an important call from your DC's hospital. That should be enough of a hint.

Argh, why am I so upset about this? Am I just being ridiculous?

No, you're not being ridiculous. You're under a lot of pressure and this small misunderstanding made you miss an important call. Things like this can feel like the last straw.

Thank you @sinkgirl xx Ignore the idiots on here. They don’t understand

there is a big difference between expecting special treatment / rules being ignored, and expecting someone to talk to you with respect when that’s the only way you’ve ever treated them / not bark incorrect orders at you because if she’d said “you need to take that call outside” then that’s exactly what I would have done because I’m not a dick

She made a mistake in the way she spoke to you. You made a mistake in answering the phone in the nursery.

There is no law banning mobile phones in Early Years settings and OFSTED do not ban them either. Not every setting bans them and most childminders and nannies use them so parents can contact them at all times.

What Ofsted does say is that there must be a clear policy about mobile phone use and that parents should be informed of that policy. If the Op did not know the nursery's policy, they've failed to ensure she was informed and, yes, I would speak to the nursery regarding that.

I agree with Mathanxiety: I would regard it as more of a safeguarding issue that parents appear able to wander round a room where children are having nappies changed and sleeping. I think of all the training courses I attended that emphasised the privacy and dignity of children being changed and here they are, on full display to anyone in the room, including parents who have not been vetted.

I do think the room leader was rude. I would not dream of speaking to any parent like that. Is this the way she speaks to the staff and children?

Is it the weather that’s making the high horses gallop around or have they poisoned the water with arsehole again?!

Love it!!

Thete could be a child with a protection order in the room, you would have no way of knowing this. The protection of all the children is the priority and the staff spoke to you in an appropriate way.

I think I’d of gone outside to continue the call especially as it was so important.

Hi @SinkGirl - I think I was on your thread about positions for canulas/blood tests (too lazy to check right now!).

I totally get this - when you're in the middle of dealing with masses of admin, and trying to come across as sensible and compliant to a multitude of professionals, all while having to push down devastating feelings about your child's health/development, it can feel like the end of the world if you get something wrong or someone makes you feel that way.

In my experience of dealing with a DC with chronic health conditions, dealing with most (not all) medics and other professionals entailed a very top-down dynamic, where I felt I had to really toe the line and seem friendly and compliant, at the same time as actually trying to push in my DC's best interests and get the right diagnosis (3 years)). As a result, any kind of interaction that makes me feel a bit child-like or vulnerable still feels incredibly upsetting.

She spoke too brusquely, which wasn't nice, but it feels worse to you because you're holding your shit together in a way you're probably not even fully aware of. It would have felt nicer for you if those looking after your DC could bear in mind what life's like for you, given that they know the situation, and tread a little more kindly in how they dealt with you when asking you to come off the phone.

Many of the posters on here don't seem to be taking on board what life must be like for you - and that's because they're lucky enough not to have that experience. But it doesn't mean they're right.

Big unMN hug to you.

Thank you so much to those who understand why I’m so upset - a few of you have articulated exactly why that is far better than I could. If I’d been able to finish the call, or get hold of the consultant later or today, I’d be far less upset about it all. It’s just incredibly frustrating to miss out on really important information both because of my error and because of the way they phrased their instruction. I genuinely thought they needed to speak to me, I wasn’t exactly thinking very clearly at the time because I was so focussed on what the consultant had to say. Now I’m facing several more days of worry which is hard at the best of times, but all I do is worry.

I’m not an entitled person and would never expect anyone to bend the rules for me - just the courtesy of being asked politely or even gestured at to take it outside would have meant there was no issue. Maybe it’s also because I always try to be polite to everyone, especially if it’s the first time I’m asking (I’m less polite after that!).

They are starting a third morning in a couple of weeks. One gets DLA so gets 11 hours free a week when spread over the year - I’ve only recently applied for DLA for the other so hopefully he will be funded soon too, then we’ll only have to pay for 8 hours a week to cover three morning sessions.

Tanith I explained previously that the bathroom is off the main room - you can see into it if you go up to it, but it’s not within the main room if you see what I mean. Similarly, the sleeping area is partitioned off with a floor to ceiling black out blind when being used for nap times so those parents picking up at nap time aren’t wandering around sleeping children or children being changed, if that makes sense.

DH does his best but he’s working long hours and it makes sense for one of us to be on top of all the appointments - I only work very part time so it makes sense for me to do it, but it’s so difficult sometimes. I almost missed one twin’s allergy tests the other day because I got distracted cleaning the (dump of a) kitchen and lost track of time. I don’t think my brain is working properly any more.

I’ll talk to my GP about it - I tried to sort out some counselling after our months in NICU but one’s health was so bad I just couldn’t switch my brain on to myself. Even when they’re asleep I can’t relax - I woke up at 4am this morning and started cleaning the kitchen for the impending arrival of MIL (for the first time since last summer, and the first time since their ASD diagnosis and I’m not relishing that to be honest).

Sorry, I’m just a mess aren’t I? I guess IABU because I know normal people wouldn’t react like this. I’m sure I’ll calm down (hopefully before I have to explain to DH why I’m sobbing like an idiot).

I'm shocked at some of the responses on here ("suck it up and stop moaning" is particularly gob-smacking). The OP isn't questioning the nursery's no-phones policy.

The OP's entire life is consumed by her need to make sure her toddler twins with ASD are as ok as they can be. I have done this with one of my children, and that drained me of every last emotional resource, and broke up my marriage. And that was just one of my children.

My understanding is that the OP thought the nursery worker was asking her to end the call because there was something wrong with one of her children. So it turns out the DC is fine - but in the OP's world, you are always waiting for the next problem/scary event, so you are on permanent high alert. When you are in that state, someone speaking sharply to you (and then you finding out you accidentally broke a rule you didn't know about) is enough to send you into a tailspin.

@Sinkgirl, a CAMHS counsellor once asked me who was taking care of me while I was taking care of everyone else. The answer, in the end, was: "nobody". Please seek out whatever help and support and friendship you can find. If people offer to help, accept it. I never managed this, as I was so keen to show the outside world that I could cope. I thought it was a sign of weakness to say I was struggling. Whereas friends would always have helped me/given me a hug if I'd asked for it.

Ignore all the unkind posts. Nobody with an ounce of understanding for your situation would have anything other than sympathy. I would have done the same as you, and I'd have felt the same afterwards.

She was very rude. I would be cross as well.

In my experience, some people kick you when you are down (see some posters on this thread). They don't (maybe subconsciously to improve their own self esteem).

I think that's what's happened with the woman in the nursery. It was her error, she was out of order to speak to you rudely. She may even not have the communication skills to be able to assert herself without doing so snappily. More

Sorry, ignore the 'they don't'.

The protection of all the children is the priority and the staff spoke to you in an appropriate way.
No they didn’t, because they didn’t make the issue clear - if they’d made it clear, even in fewer words or just by pointing out of the bloody room, I could have complied with their policy and continued the very important phone call that I really needed to take.

I think I’d of gone outside to continue the call especially as it was so important.
Even if someone explicitly told you to get off the phone, not asked you to take it outside? Well you’re clearly cleverer than I am, because if someone says in an abrupt and urgent way that I need to get off the phone, I listen to them!

Thank you JeanMichelBisquiat - yes, your hold worked wonders! Thank you. Looks like we will be using it again sooner than I hoped. You’re absolutely right of course. One of my biggest fears is coming across as an incompetent, neglectful or otherwise shit parent to professionals - right now they’re all on my side and motivated to help us. I’m terrified of screwing that up.