Told off by nursery staff member - AIBU?

[SinkGirl]

This happened when I was picking my twins up yesterday, and for some reason it has really really upset me and is on my mind this morning.

My twin boys are 2.5, they both have ASD. They have been going to nursery two mornings a week since January and they love it there. One is in the baby room due to his developmental delays, the other is in the toddler room.

The staff know that my life with the boys is a whirlwind with all of the appointments, therapy, and work we are doing with them - on top of being a mum and a carer I’m basically a full time PA managing everything.

Yesterday I was waiting on a call from a consultant with some information on a test one of the boys needs to have.

I went into the toddler room to get one of the boys, there were two members of staff and three toddlers including mine (the others were asleep with the dividing blind down). I’d been in there a few minutes and they were filling me in on what he’d been up to as always, when my phone rang. Withheld number so probably the hospital - I said excuse me and went to the corner of the room to answer it.

After about 60 seconds, the room leader came over looking very concerned and said “can you get off your phone?” in a very abrupt way. The other staff member was changing my son’s nappy at the time so I thought maybe there was something wrong, so I apologised to the consultant and said I would need to call her back.

But no, she just wanted me off the phone. I then realised they must have a rule about parents not being on their phones in there, which I totally understand, but it was really important - she must have heard I was talking to his consultant from what I was saying.

If that’s the rule (which I wasn’t aware of as I’d never normally be using my phone when collecting them) that’s totally fine, but she could have just asked me to step outside until I was done - the way she told me to get off the phone made me think she needed to talk to me urgently for some reason.

I couldn’t get hold of his consultant afterwards and she’s not in now until mid next week so I won’t be able to get the info I need until then.

I don’t know why this has upset me so much - it’s made me feel like they think I’m a shitty distracted parent, I guess. It’s not like I was on Facebook or playing a game. It’s so hard trying to juggle everything and they are well aware of this. I hate breaking the rules and I hate people thinking I’m a bad parent (which happens a lot when you have toddlers with ASD!).

I think a large part of my reaction is the fact that I’m a dreadful perfectionist and never feel like I’m doing a good enough job. I’m sure most people would think I’m overreacting and to be honest I agree that I am, but it’s really bothering me much more than it should.

If she’d just asked me to step out or gestured for me to do so I would of course have done that, I would never knowingly break a rule like this. We’ve spent a lot of time at children’s centres where you’re not allowed to use your phone at all and I never have.

Argh, why am I so upset about this? Am I just being ridiculous?

Apologies, didn't notice the thread went beyond the first page when I replied!

I didn't realise that phones are banned the nurseries nowadays. It seems a bit over the top really. Parents aren't banned from speaking on phones in schools and I can't see the difference.

@Dungeondragon15 the reason the rules are different is because children under school age are regarded as being particularly vulnerable to abuse as they cannot communicate as well as older children. Many schools do ban phones too though (especially in KS1) for a variety of reasons.

Think you are over reacting.

You broke a rule, you could have stepped out the room or said sorry it’s child’s consultant.

I’d have apologied from breaking rule and thought nothing of it.

If it's in the nursery policies which you would have been given and signed, then it is your responsibility to read them and follow the rules. You should have stepped outside to take the call anyway, not accepted it inside the premises. Everything is always someone else's fault this days because there's always some excuse to made. I expect the staff are so fed up of parents flaunting the rules. Have you not read about people taking photos of children, even babies having their nappies done, and uploading them on porn sites. It's no good saying it was an important call, not facebook; everyone has to be treated the same.

Your call is not more important than anyone else's and you are not above the rules. I'm surprised you felt entitled enough to stand there and blatantly have a conversation!
...
Also should have said I haven't read the thread or any of your responses.

I’m sorry, but this just made me laugh so hard I almost peed a little 😂

This just about sums up this thread perfectly - if you’re going to insult someone and make assumptions about them, it might help to read the thread before commenting!

I won’t be making a complaint whatsoever - I struggle to make complaints when something is explicitly wrong, there’s no way in hell. I will be suggesting they put up some signs though as that will help them as well as parents I’m sure.

You can't have your phone out in a setting for children. It will be the same in school.

Absolutely not true. Each nursery or school is free to make their own rules. Plenty of schools manage perfectly well without that rule.

Her call is more important than other calls.

If someone was in there answering a call about their trousers coming in to Next are you saying that is equally as important?

It was an important call!

That's why she is upset, if it wasn't something about the health of her child I'm sure she would have just brushed it off.

Obviously the nursery worker didn't know what it was about.

But it probably hurt because you were desperate to get the call and then so frustrated to have ended the call.

It's a separate thing from whether you think there should be a phone ban in nurseries or not. You can respect a rule while at the same time being upset that you abided by it.

Oh please.

OP, I feel very sorry for the stress you're going through and also for some of the totally uncalled-for nastiness on this thread.

As for PPs like hollowvictory, were you just to read a bit more of the thread (maybe even just OP's posts) you'd know how silly it is to tell OP to "forget about it all and enjoy the rest of her day".

Doesn't sound as if OP will be having a very nice day any time soon.

OP, I do hope that things improve for your family soon.

Many schools do ban phones too though (especially in KS1) for a variety of reasons.

They ban the children from having phones but I have never heard of a school telling parents they can't use their phones. There probably is a school out there with a ban on parents making phone calls (as someone is bound to tell me) but it isn't common so a bit surprised that it is a blanket rule that all nurseries have that everyone is meant to know about.

I genuinely can't believe some of the negative responses on here: Your call isn't more important than anyone elses, YABU, get over it. My god. My daughter has some really severe disabilities and I even have a separate phone entirely for professionals involved with her and I tell EVERYONE, everywhere I go that if it rings I am answering it (even if to ask them to hold for a second or call me back in 2 mins). Some calls categorically are more important, end of.

I get that you're so affected, it would really have got to me too at nursery age, so here's the best thing I've learned that now serves as advice (my DD is now 8): the people who are rude to you, are rude people. You didn't cause it, you didn't deserve it, you barely even were on the receiving end of it, you just observed it. They're the same people who tell mothers of ASD children to calm them down or keep them at home, the same ones who beep at little old ladies driving hesitantly below the speed limit with no clue as to why they might be having to drive. The ones who make snide remarks about credit cards being declined and who beep their horns at ridiculously parked cars with their hazard lights on. Rude people find things to be rude about, it's no reflection on you or what you were doing, and they either don't think any more about it after they point it in your direction, or they dwell on it right up until they find a replacement to direct at.

I hope that helps a little. It doesn't speak to the issue itself, but when you feel someone's being rude or judgemental or ignorant, that might help it affect you less

I don’t know why this has upset me so much - it’s made me feel like they think I’m a shitty distracted parent, I guess. ... I hate people thinking I’m a bad parent

You're overthinking it, OP. They told you to get off the phone because the rule is not to use phones. They were probably abrupt because they constantly have to tell people to get off their phones. There's a huge leap from an irritated person asking you to get off your phone to them thinking you're a bad parent. Seriously. A grand canyon of a leap.

I just find it truly bizarre that some people genuinely want to think the absolute worst of everyone, even when it means deliberately ignoring what they’ve heard / read. It’s very odd

That's AIBU for you. You should probably avoid it in the future!

I just wanted to say that you sound like a pretty awesome mum to me. I never cease to be amazed, and inspired, by what parents in general, and mums in particular, are prepared to do if it is in the best interests of their child. Before you had the twins, you would never have dreamed of being able to cope with what you have had to. But you do it, because you love them beyond worlds, and want the best possible for them. And it is a full time job in itself. Respect.

Please don't worry about what the paediatrician will think of you. Having to cut the call short? Well, that's far better than the multiple people who ring demanding to know why the paediatrician hasn't called them yet, and it turns out the parent hasn't been answering when we've rung, because the hospital is a withheld number... Any decent paediatrician is not going to be judging you on that, because they know that you are juggling a thousand things, and that the moment they rang may have been a bad moment. It happens.

I'm sorry you couldn't get the answer you needed, and will face a delay. From your description, I wonder whether the new test is a synacthen test, where a stimulating hormone is given, to then test the response of the adrenal glands? If not, ignore the following. If so, then how worried they are about doing it may well depend upon what time the previous blood tests were done. If it was at a random time, and the cortisol was a bit low, that happens quite a bit, as levels vary through the day, and the formal test is normal the vast majority of time. If it was early morning (say about 8am ish), then the acceptable levels are more consistent from one person to another, so a low cortisol is more likely to be real. Though even then a fair proportion of people have a reassuring synacthen test.

Fingers crossed that your little one doesn't have another problem.

They were probably abrupt because they constantly have to tell people to get off their phones.

If they're constantly telling people you would think that they would put a sign up telling people not to use phones. Whilst many posters seem to think that it is obvious you can't use a phone anywhere near children, it really isn't.

Thanks so much to those who get where I’m coming from, and to those who are don’t but are being reasonable about it!

MummaMooMoo that does help, thank you :) I’m sorry you’re having to deal with so much too.

nocoolnamesleft well deduced! The synacthen test is the thing we had last time, I actually don’t even know the name of this test but the nurse said it was also relating to adrenal insufficiency and again something will be administered with tests before and after. Hoping I can get at least some info on Monday.

He had an endocrine panel and it was after that we were called in for the synacthen test - When I asked I was told that the 8am cortisol test was on the lower side of normal so they wanted to check further.

His visual impairment is linked to many endocrine issues that can crop up at any time so it’s a constant worry. He has fairly regular hypos but he was born with hyperinsulinism which (touch wood) seems to have resolved. It’s all a bit of a minefield!

We had a lovely morning paddling in the sea so everything feels a bit better today!

You sound like a brilliant and thoroughly competent mum to me, perilously close to that perfection you (terribly unhealthily!) yearn for

You also sound like a wonderful all round woman, doing beyond her absolute best in an intense and unrelenting situation. When you do finally get one tiny milli-second to take a breath, you should tell yourself how ruddy brilliant you are.

Please don’t spend one ounce of your precious mental, physical or emotional energy on berating yourself for imaginary faults or trying to hold yourself up to impossible and inhuman standards.

Don’t internalize the momentary ignorance of others, or the flashes of contact where people show their own ‘stuff’ first and foremost and forget about your situation... this happens so often and can leave a foul taste in your mouth, and worries about judgements etc, when all the other person was displaying was their own limitations and lack of thought, living in their own head, and not thinking about you at all.

Take heart from the insightful and kind posts on this thread please.

Just dismiss those who rejoice in working off their own issues on here. There are so many who enjoy the opportunity to callously and, well, unreasonably judge others through the ‘aibu’ format. I’m sure you know that already, but it’s hard to remember when you’re exhausted and vulnerable.

You are doing so well

I can imagine your distress in the situation -but there seems to me to be a clue in your own words :
Oh Really! Seems you feel you are never good enough, especially as Perfection is impossible!
Mindful of the old adage -'you cant change other people'-maybe you can work on /get some help with that 'perfectionist' part of you and other peoples words will have less power over you.
Just a thought

Children were sleeping.
Phones in nursery are a no no.

To the person who said she was obviously not a peadophile, how do they know that?! A lot of peadophiles don’t ‘look’ like
She ‘looked’ like she was on the phone but could have been taking photos.
OP, I’m not saying you are/were, but this could happen.

My child is adopted, I would be fuming if I knew a mobile was being used at his nursery. He cannot have his photo online, for SAFEGUARDING purposes! For his safety. His birth family CANNOT find him, for his safety.
There are thousands of children out there who are the same, who you won’t know about, so how do the staff know who is or who isn’t a threat.

You should have excused yourself, gone outside and taken your call. Let it go.

OP you're over thinking this and it's the pressure of all the other stuff you are having to deal with that is making you take this to heart.

Yes the staff member could have been less abrupt with you and it must be extremely frustrating that you can't get back to the consultant because of it.
In the long run though this is not a big deal you didn't do anything terrible and it's understandable why you answered your phone in these circumstances.
Equally the staff were only adhering to their safeguarding standards and they didn't know the call was important.
It's an annoying thing to happen and probably feels like the last straw after a stressful time but just let it go.

Oh bless you, op. You are very obviously worried sick, exhausted and ground down by the length of time you have been dealing with all this stress already.

I’ve been there, to a lesser extent, and fully lost my shit because of it. I also absolutely hate being ‘told off’ even when I’m in the wrong. It just pushes my buttons and takes me a while to get over it, but I do, and so will you.

So you have my utmost empathy and respect. Best of luck with the tests. And it’s ok to ask for help. Life will be sunny on the other side of all this, I promise. But you have to make it to that point, and if it takes some help to get you there then that’s absolutely fine. Whatever works.

I’m sorry you haven’t had more understanding on this thread. Some people really have absolutely no idea what it’s like to walk in your shoes, and no interest in finding out.

ps The phone thing is no big deal. Honest mistake. Forgive yourself, and her.

YABU, Consultants never disclose results over the phone, you were rude to answer the phone when your DC nursery staff were talking to you. I think you are not being truthful about this.

Give yourself a huge hug. Seriously, speak to yourself as you would a friend or a mother. You are alive as are your children. You don't know what was happening in the other person's mind. All is okay.

as a mother in a similar situation, I have found that saying quickly, it is the consultant and I will be right back works. I can understand why they wanted to have you not be on the phone. It is a modern day tool that people are still learning etiquette for.

Keep up the good work for the twins. BUT make sure you are caring for yourself. Little ways help but don't forget that if you struggle so will the family. I know , easier said than done.

She never said that any results were disclosed over the phone.

Of course you are not being unreasonable Sinkgirl. Unfortunately there seems to be a whole of arseholery here at the moment.

for you