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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my mum shouldn't move in with my sisters ex

116 replies

familyfallout19 · 09/05/2019 23:34

Trying to get as much info here as I can do not to drop feed. Also nc because this can be outing, apologies if it a long read.

My DSis and her ExDP (I'll call him John) have one DC together, they were together for around 4/5 years. He's quite a bit older than DSis (she's in her 20s and he's in his 40s). After a house they planned to move into fell through my DSis and John moved into my parents with their DS. Also living there was my DSis best friend (I'll call her Sarah) who has lived there as a lodger for years, pays rent and she has become part of the family. My DM has now chosen to separate from my DF, I don't know why but after 30 years of marriage she's decided to split with him. My DF is heartbroken, now on antidepressants and sleeping on the sofa.

My parents then decided to put their house on the market so that they can do their separate ways.

A couple of weeks ago, completely out the blue my DSis finished with John. He was devastated. Dsis then started sleeping in my DMs room with her.

Since then my DM and John have become really close. John was always quite close in our family anyway and I saw him as another older brother (I have an older DB anyway). Since the house was up for sale and two couples have no split the plan was for DF to get his own place, DM and Sarah to get their own place, DSis and her DS to get her own and John to get his own.
The next thing I know DM, Sarah and John are all loving in together. I didn't think too much of it because Sarah would be there too as it would be strange for DM to move in with her exSIL by herself, but I did have my concerns.

The other day I received a message from DF who has highlighted some concerns (the same kind of concerns that I was having) he mentioned how my DM (50) is going through a lot and she's vulnerable aswell as menopausal and he believes John is taking advantage of this. They are both becoming closer. I unfortunately addressed my concerns to my DM earlier which resulted in minor argument. DSis housing application was declined (reasons are not relavent to this thread) I mentioned to my DM that DSis May have to move in with her if she is unable to get a house of her own. DM then replied that she can't as John will be living there, I then explained that he can get his own place so DSis can live with out DM, obviously she doesn't want to live with him anymore as they're no longer a couple. DM got quite defensive and said he's going to be paying her rent which DSis can't do and she needs the money. I explained that her daughter should come first and she just said John is living with her, end of!

She then rang me back a few minutes later and explained that she wants him there as mentally he is helping her and he is her best friend. My DSis, DF and Sarah all think my DM has feelings for John, which I mentioned on the phone to her and said that if anything were to happen it would be really disrespectful on DSis. After a few moments silence she replied saying he's just her best friend, and if anything ever happened in the future so what, my DSis will find someone else and move on and she can make her own decisions. She then said she wished everyone would just leave her alone. She was getting quite upset and I wasn't getting through to her so I ended the conversation there.

DF then messaged me because he's worried as DM isn't acting like herself and he's right, she isn't. This isn't her. She's usually kind, loving, thoughtful. But my DF told me that Sarah saw a side to John that worried her and she tried speaking to my DM about it and DM basically kicked her out. Sarah is now living back with her mum and the morning she left my DM has told her to delete all contact from the family. Sarah had been living there for years.

We are all concerned about my DM and her actions, she is pushing away people that love her and I think John is playing a massive part in it. He's interfered with my parents, thing my DF has spoken to him about in confidence he has gone and told DM all the bad things painting a picture of my dad being a lot worse then he is.

Finally in terms of John paying DM rent in the new house I don't see how he would because my DM gives HIM money.

I don't even know if there is more to add or not. My mind is just frazzled! It's really getting me down, my whole family is falling apart and I hate it.

What do you think of this?

OP posts:
Hisnamesblaine · 09/05/2019 23:43

Sounds like if it hasnt started it will soon!

IAmNotAWitch · 09/05/2019 23:45

That all sounds quite grim. The thing is, if she is a fully functioning adult you can have as many opinions about her behavior as you like but other than choosing not to see her you can't actually do anything about who she chooses to live with.

Support your sister, support your Dad and leave her to it.

Iltavilli · 09/05/2019 23:47

Cocklodger.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/05/2019 23:50

Urgh, it definitely sounds like your dm wants a relationship with him. It's sad she doesn't want to prioritise her family, but I suppose it is her decision.

StuckInsideAnEcho · 09/05/2019 23:52

Sounds pretty suss

Wasywasydoodah · 09/05/2019 23:53

Eek, it sounds terrible. I’m so sorry but sometimes you just can’t stop people making really really bad decisions. I’ve seen it in my family, predicted what will happen and it’s like watching a disaster in slow mo. Doesn’t sound like you can do much, except support your sister and Dad, though.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 09/05/2019 23:57

He's a cocklodger and I'm in shock that your mum is choosing john over your sister, sorry to say but think that something is/about to start between them, and I also think he's the reason for getting your mum to split with your dad, these are just my assumptions op...hope you get your dad and sister sorted

SandyY2K · 09/05/2019 23:59

Honestly. It sounds like your DM and John (Dsis Ex) are having an affair.

Very poor boundaries.

This says it all. Your DM is more than comfortable with being in a relationship with him. Sarah was surplus to requirements... And I'll bet John is the reason your DM has ended it with your dad.

After a few moments silence she replied saying he's just her best friend, and if anything ever happened in the future so what, my DSis will find someone else and move on.

user2928362 · 10/05/2019 00:00

Firstly you cannot tell anyone that they must allow an adult relative to live with them rent-free. It is no more your mum's job to provide accommodation for your sister than it is your Dad's so YABU to default to assuming that she should be the one to house her and really as she is an adult she should be able to find the means to pay for her own accommodation even if this means having to find a job. The only thing you can be concerned about is if John is taking advantage of her really (and the two of them choosing to enter a mutual relationship while distasteful does not amount to this).

carly2803 · 10/05/2019 00:00

your DM is sleeping with John.....if she isnt she will be soon.

hes an arse

Ratatatouille · 10/05/2019 00:03

It sounds very much like your DM is already in a relationship (even if they haven't labelled it as such yet) with her grandchild's father. Grim beyond words.

All you can do is as others have said; support your father, your sister, Sarah and your niece/nephew. Let your mother get on with it and the rest of you stick together like glue. What a gross betrayal of her family. It's actually quite stomach churning. Same goes for your sister's ex of course, but your DM is her mother. That's in a different league.

hewontstopshitting · 10/05/2019 00:03

It definitely sounds like your mum wants John, I’d say this may be why she ended it with your dad. It’s all a bit grim but there isn’t much you can do other than support DF and DSis

Chocmallows · 10/05/2019 00:04

They are having fun, but ultimately he'll be off when he gets a better offer.

DizzyPhillips · 10/05/2019 00:05

Ohh you need Jezza’s expertise on this one

Ratatatouille · 10/05/2019 00:06

Firstly you cannot tell anyone that they must allow an adult relative to live with them rent-free. It is no more your mum's job to provide accommodation for your sister than it is your Dad's
The point is that she would choose to provide a roof over the head of her ex son in law rather than help her daughter and grandchild. Context is key here. Of course if she's willing and able to help someone then it should be her own daughter rather than her daughter's ex.

Graphista · 10/05/2019 00:14

Seemed obvious to me fairly early on in reading op that your mum and John are highly likely already involved, emotionally if not physically but I suspect full blown and you need to prepare yourself and I'm afraid your sister too as she seems oblivious.

Dreadful behaviour by your mum - even if they're not involved.

Your poor dad seems to have sussed things out and needs your support.

Your mum acting "out of character" isn't unusual with an affair and doesn't necessarily indicate anything more than her acting selfishly in the throes of an affair.

It's a seriously shit thing of them to do to your family and relatively rare but it does happen.

IABUQueen · 10/05/2019 00:15

Your poor poor sister, this is so horrible

Stormy76 · 10/05/2019 00:15

All sounds a bit Jeremy Kyle, on the surface it looks as though your DM is hooking up,and about to shack up with your Dsis ex ........too gross for words

BumbleBeee69 · 10/05/2019 00:17

am I correct in reading you say your DM is only 50 ? she's still young OP right ? Flowers

BumbleBeee69 · 10/05/2019 00:19

however if she is involved with your Sisters ex, then that would be appalling Hmm

FireflyEden · 10/05/2019 00:47

@SandyY2K I agree, whilst reading I thought the same.Confused

OnlineAlienator · 10/05/2019 01:07

I think itd make a brilliant book!

QueenOfPain · 10/05/2019 01:09

Oh, good grief. Sending you loads of virtual strength to deal with this shit show!

midgwit · 10/05/2019 01:19

Sounds like your mum and John started sleeping together when everyone was living in one house and this was probably the cause of both break ups.
The fallout from this is likely to be massive, brace yourself.

TransFannyUltrasound · 10/05/2019 01:19

Is there any chance your mother is suffering with early dementia?

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