To think my mum shouldn't move in with my sisters ex

[familyfallout19]

Trying to get as much info here as I can do not to drop feed. Also nc because this can be outing, apologies if it a long read.

My DSis and her ExDP (I'll call him John) have one DC together, they were together for around 4/5 years. He's quite a bit older than DSis (she's in her 20s and he's in his 40s). After a house they planned to move into fell through my DSis and John moved into my parents with their DS. Also living there was my DSis best friend (I'll call her Sarah) who has lived there as a lodger for years, pays rent and she has become part of the family. My DM has now chosen to separate from my DF, I don't know why but after 30 years of marriage she's decided to split with him. My DF is heartbroken, now on antidepressants and sleeping on the sofa.

My parents then decided to put their house on the market so that they can do their separate ways.

A couple of weeks ago, completely out the blue my DSis finished with John. He was devastated. Dsis then started sleeping in my DMs room with her.

Since then my DM and John have become really close. John was always quite close in our family anyway and I saw him as another older brother (I have an older DB anyway). Since the house was up for sale and two couples have no split the plan was for DF to get his own place, DM and Sarah to get their own place, DSis and her DS to get her own and John to get his own.
The next thing I know DM, Sarah and John are all loving in together. I didn't think too much of it because Sarah would be there too as it would be strange for DM to move in with her exSIL by herself, but I did have my concerns.

The other day I received a message from DF who has highlighted some concerns (the same kind of concerns that I was having) he mentioned how my DM (50) is going through a lot and she's vulnerable aswell as menopausal and he believes John is taking advantage of this. They are both becoming closer. I unfortunately addressed my concerns to my DM earlier which resulted in minor argument. DSis housing application was declined (reasons are not relavent to this thread) I mentioned to my DM that DSis May have to move in with her if she is unable to get a house of her own. DM then replied that she can't as John will be living there, I then explained that he can get his own place so DSis can live with out DM, obviously she doesn't want to live with him anymore as they're no longer a couple. DM got quite defensive and said he's going to be paying her rent which DSis can't do and she needs the money. I explained that her daughter should come first and she just said John is living with her, end of!

She then rang me back a few minutes later and explained that she wants him there as mentally he is helping her and he is her best friend. My DSis, DF and Sarah all think my DM has feelings for John, which I mentioned on the phone to her and said that if anything were to happen it would be really disrespectful on DSis. After a few moments silence she replied saying he's just her best friend, and if anything ever happened in the future so what, my DSis will find someone else and move on and she can make her own decisions. She then said she wished everyone would just leave her alone. She was getting quite upset and I wasn't getting through to her so I ended the conversation there.

DF then messaged me because he's worried as DM isn't acting like herself and he's right, she isn't. This isn't her. She's usually kind, loving, thoughtful. But my DF told me that Sarah saw a side to John that worried her and she tried speaking to my DM about it and DM basically kicked her out. Sarah is now living back with her mum and the morning she left my DM has told her to delete all contact from the family. Sarah had been living there for years.

We are all concerned about my DM and her actions, she is pushing away people that love her and I think John is playing a massive part in it. He's interfered with my parents, thing my DF has spoken to him about in confidence he has gone and told DM all the bad things painting a picture of my dad being a lot worse then he is.

Finally in terms of John paying DM rent in the new house I don't see how he would because my DM gives HIM money.

I don't even know if there is more to add or not. My mind is just frazzled! It's really getting me down, my whole family is falling apart and I hate it.

What do you think of this?

It all sounds a bit weird. Your dn dad shagging his granny. Nice

Do people really live like this? Or is this a plot line from coronation street

I agree with the others that it sounds like something has already happened between John and DM.

OP the ONLY time I have ever experienced this kind of wild personality change in a woman was when my friend's mum suddenly turned on me. Overnight I went from being treated like a daughter by the kindest, most supportive and loving woman, to being treated like the devil and cast out. It was a really upsetting and confusing time. Two years later her dementia was diagnosed. She was only 48. She died a few months ago from it, but the whole thing was awful and the personality shift rapid and total. Is there any chance your mum might be suffering the same?

Phone Jeremy Kyle.

Wow your mum is one selfish woman doing that to her child.

If I was your sister that would be it for it. NC 100%. I would never forgive that.

It sounds like an awful situation for you all. No advice can be given really. It's down to your mum to come to her senses.

I agree with the others, they're having an affair and if not yet, they will do. She was paving the way for it in her comment.

I also think that a quite a bit of the blame is being put on John by you and that's understandable because she's your Mum and you love her however she is a grown woman. She's making these decisions, and she is choosing him over her daughter.

Her “son in law” is her best friend???

Heaven help us

Honestly. It sounds like your DM and John (Dsis Ex) are having an affair.

This x 100.

Sympathy for you and your DSis - the fall out is likely to be pretty grim
And you nephew may end up with a grandmother/aunt

Look on the bright side, if your mum is menopausal, as you say, your nephew won't acquire a half brother who is simultaneously his half uncle.

People who are desperate for a relationship and attention will often behave in atrocious and bizarre ways. Your mother was nice and kind while in a relationship with your dad, now that's over, she doesn't want to be left with very few options so she'll grab onto whatever this creep offers regardless of the consequences.

Unless you have reason to believe there's a medical condition behind such a personality change as some have suggested, then you can't worry about it. She's making her own choices and if she wants to choose to throw her family away for a man, she owns the consequences of that.

So technically your sisters ex coukd be both their father and grandfather. Very weird!

I mean father and grandfather to their child.

The same thing happened in my family. Grandmother ran off with son in law. It only lasted 6m and she ended up on the street.

Just from the headline I assumed they were sleeping together. Especially since they seem to be relatively close in age its either happening or will be soon.

This is all quite grim really. Your Mum and John are disgraceful. Poor DF and DSis.

So your mum is now planning to shack up with your sister's ex-boyfriend? Sounds very messy. What a nightmare!

I honestly think only Jeremy Kyle can sort this out.

Your Mum is prioritising a man she's having an affair with or about to over her family. It's awful but nothing you can do about it. The tone of your post seems to be shifting the blame to John but she's a grown woman to.

Btw OP, I don't think it was reasonable for you to call up your DM and tell her your DSis would "have to" move in with her. That was never your decision to make, regardless of whatever unseemly shenanigans are ongoing.

I think you go and speak to your mum in person for the truth. Her behaviour is disgusting, your sister deserves better.

It would be hard but you all need to let her get on with it and stop contact whilst she’s behaving in this way. It will continuously cause multiple fall outs otherwise.

If I were you, I’d book a cruise for Xmas time. And the next one too. Time to take your nose right out of this cluster-fuck and concentrate only on your household. There’s likely worse to come.

From one daughter of a highly dysfunctional family to another; all of this ^

Support you DD, Dsis and DN and step far far away from your DM.

The fact that your DM and john are fairly close in age is indicative in itself that they may be having an affair Im afraid!.These things do happen unfortunetley .You need to "be there" for your dad and your sister as much as you can .Sadly there is very little you can do about it except watch and wait as they say ,You dont say what your parents marriage was like before all this ,but many middle aged mums feel "young "again with a new relationship, and will often give everything up for a second chance as they see it!

I couldn't sleep with someone that my daughter had slept with. The very idea turns my stomach! But...the way your mum probably see's it, is that she is getting another chance at "love" and your sister did break up with John. Plus if he is in his 40's and she is only 50 it sounds like there's not much of an age gap. She probably thinks that you are all adults and will just have to deal with it. And I'm afraid that's pretty much how it is! None of you can dictate or demand what she does. It's not nice and I certainly wouldn't like it but the only part of it that's within your control is whether you want to remain in contact with her or not.

I've absolutely no doubt that you've got this covered OP, but I hope that as much as anything, everyone is rallying round the child to offer as much stability as possible.

Unfortunately I have heard of something like this happening, heard it from the man. There was a bigger age difference though. I have no desire to find out from the woman if it is true or not and cant imagine any way in which I could ask the question without making things worse. If it is any consolation he did rapidly move on to someone else and I can only hope he either lied or the daughter doesnt know they slept together.

A 50 year old woman being attracted to a 40 year old man is not particularly unusual and when women feel they are in love they will sometimes put their lover before their children, especially before adult children. Children leave you, a lover may stay around. Sleeping with a child's partner, even an ex partner, is just disgusting.

DM and John had an affair and it broke up two marriages. It's so obvious.
But he's a cocklodger and manipulating her, and she's suffering from dementia?? Some people.
It's as plain as the nose on your face.

The word that comes to my mind is grooming/abuse
Like the ex is actually playing a game where he is isolated your mum more and more from anyone that was close. Her dcs, her DH and even Sarah.

I wouod treat the situation as such and try and think ahead of how you can support your mum if she needs it.
Unfortunately, you can’t make her change her ways. She is an adult afterall!
But at the same time, you need to look after yourself too and protect yourself and your loved ones.