Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum shouldn't move in with my sisters ex

116 replies

familyfallout19 · 09/05/2019 23:34

Trying to get as much info here as I can do not to drop feed. Also nc because this can be outing, apologies if it a long read.

My DSis and her ExDP (I'll call him John) have one DC together, they were together for around 4/5 years. He's quite a bit older than DSis (she's in her 20s and he's in his 40s). After a house they planned to move into fell through my DSis and John moved into my parents with their DS. Also living there was my DSis best friend (I'll call her Sarah) who has lived there as a lodger for years, pays rent and she has become part of the family. My DM has now chosen to separate from my DF, I don't know why but after 30 years of marriage she's decided to split with him. My DF is heartbroken, now on antidepressants and sleeping on the sofa.

My parents then decided to put their house on the market so that they can do their separate ways.

A couple of weeks ago, completely out the blue my DSis finished with John. He was devastated. Dsis then started sleeping in my DMs room with her.

Since then my DM and John have become really close. John was always quite close in our family anyway and I saw him as another older brother (I have an older DB anyway). Since the house was up for sale and two couples have no split the plan was for DF to get his own place, DM and Sarah to get their own place, DSis and her DS to get her own and John to get his own.
The next thing I know DM, Sarah and John are all loving in together. I didn't think too much of it because Sarah would be there too as it would be strange for DM to move in with her exSIL by herself, but I did have my concerns.

The other day I received a message from DF who has highlighted some concerns (the same kind of concerns that I was having) he mentioned how my DM (50) is going through a lot and she's vulnerable aswell as menopausal and he believes John is taking advantage of this. They are both becoming closer. I unfortunately addressed my concerns to my DM earlier which resulted in minor argument. DSis housing application was declined (reasons are not relavent to this thread) I mentioned to my DM that DSis May have to move in with her if she is unable to get a house of her own. DM then replied that she can't as John will be living there, I then explained that he can get his own place so DSis can live with out DM, obviously she doesn't want to live with him anymore as they're no longer a couple. DM got quite defensive and said he's going to be paying her rent which DSis can't do and she needs the money. I explained that her daughter should come first and she just said John is living with her, end of!

She then rang me back a few minutes later and explained that she wants him there as mentally he is helping her and he is her best friend. My DSis, DF and Sarah all think my DM has feelings for John, which I mentioned on the phone to her and said that if anything were to happen it would be really disrespectful on DSis. After a few moments silence she replied saying he's just her best friend, and if anything ever happened in the future so what, my DSis will find someone else and move on and she can make her own decisions. She then said she wished everyone would just leave her alone. She was getting quite upset and I wasn't getting through to her so I ended the conversation there.

DF then messaged me because he's worried as DM isn't acting like herself and he's right, she isn't. This isn't her. She's usually kind, loving, thoughtful. But my DF told me that Sarah saw a side to John that worried her and she tried speaking to my DM about it and DM basically kicked her out. Sarah is now living back with her mum and the morning she left my DM has told her to delete all contact from the family. Sarah had been living there for years.

We are all concerned about my DM and her actions, she is pushing away people that love her and I think John is playing a massive part in it. He's interfered with my parents, thing my DF has spoken to him about in confidence he has gone and told DM all the bad things painting a picture of my dad being a lot worse then he is.

Finally in terms of John paying DM rent in the new house I don't see how he would because my DM gives HIM money.

I don't even know if there is more to add or not. My mind is just frazzled! It's really getting me down, my whole family is falling apart and I hate it.

What do you think of this?

OP posts:
user1471582494 · 10/05/2019 01:22

Sounds like a soap opera!
No advice though I'm sorry Shock

Tavannach · 10/05/2019 01:30

It sounds really weird. Whether or not they're actually sleeping together John is leading your DM on. Can you get her away from him for a week or so? Invite her to yours so you can talk to her and make her sense. What made your DSis suddenly decide to dump John?

Motoko · 10/05/2019 01:58

It does sound like they're having an affair.

About Sarah. Your mum told her that she wasn't to contact any of you? I hope none of you have taken any notice of that, and are still in touch with her.

Nothing you can do about your mum and John though, as ugly as it is, so just support your dad and sister.

Birdie6 · 10/05/2019 02:03

So all these people were living together, and your Mum and John started an affair. That's why both marriages broke down - this seems obvious. Your Mum isn't a vulnerable old lady - she is only 50 which is the prime of life, so don't assume that she is being taken advantage of. I'd bet she is being selfish and enjoying herself . She may well feel that all these people have been taking advantage of her, all these years, and that now she is going to enjoy herself for once.

All you can do is to be supportive of them all. Your sister, Sarah and your Dad will need to find their own accommodation and life will go on.

jameswong · 10/05/2019 02:05

Woof. So your nephew will grow up with his dad sleeping in the same bed as his granny?

That is absolutely mental. Is this real? Sounds like something from Jeremy Kyle.

pantsville · 10/05/2019 05:29

Well, do you think John is shagging your mum?

Seems like a very curious situation but nothing surprises me these days

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 10/05/2019 05:58

I think it's all quite obvious what's going on. Even from your mums comment about if they get together in future.

They are together and keeping it quiet. I totally disagree your mum is being manipulated. If someone blamed a OW for an affair and said she manipulated the man into it.

She is making her choices. Fwiw, I know quite a few older women who have done things really out of character. As pp suggested, its like they have spent their whole lives being one way and donr want to do that anymore. I suppose it's like a female midlife crisis.

Unfortunately, there isnt much you can do. I would support my dad, sister and the child as much as can. I would remain in contact with the lodger, if she is a genuine part of the family. I wouldn't cut my mum off, but I would keep her at arms length.

PrincessTiggerlily · 10/05/2019 06:04

I would advise DF to get his finances sorted quick and separated from DMs.

Mummaofmytribe · 10/05/2019 06:08

What a mess. Don't blame you for being upset. DM and John must be having an affair, surely? He dumps your sister, your DM splits up with DF and they've moved in together, getting rid of Sarah,so it's just the two of them.
Whether John's taking advantage or this is a full blown mutual affair, only time will tell.
All you can do is support your DF and Dsis who are in the horrible situation of their partners leaving them for each other. Cringe on your behalf. And how this is explained to the child, f knows.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/05/2019 06:12

I don’t think there is anything you can do. Your mum is making her decision. She’s acting like a teenager and I would fear the more you fight her the more she will dig her heels in. Hopefully in time she will see sense. The obvious solution to me is that your dsis moves in with your dad once the house is sold. Where is she staying now?

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 10/05/2019 06:17

I agree your dad needs to divorce and seperate his finances asap.

I can imagine your mums finances will be gone quite quickly.

LadyRannaldini · 10/05/2019 06:19

Wrong person on the sofa, if she, your mother, wants to end it then she should be on the sofa!

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 10/05/2019 06:22

Yy to the affair between your DM and John. Leave them to it.

Help your Father with the divorce. Why can’t your DSis share with your DF. He’s still her parent.

(Poor Sarah; she’s well out of this mess)

Skittlesandbeer · 10/05/2019 06:23

The chances of ‘John’ paying your mum rent for long are very very small.

They’re clearing the decks for a legitimate relationship.

The next few years will be tough for the ex’s, you, but especially his kid.

If I were you, I’d book a cruise for Xmas time. And the next one too. Time to take your nose right out of this cluster-fuck and concentrate only on your household. There’s likely worse to come.

Mumofone1593 · 10/05/2019 06:26

Agree DF needs this divorce through before John decides he wants all his money and fights via your mum Hmm poor DF and poor DSIS realising your mum is so selfish. Also the plan for Sarah was probably in place all along 'we will say we are moving in with her then fall out, it's for the best MIL'. The poor child has lost a grandma and dad too as when they grow up there is no way they will think it's okay how they treated everyone!

PostNotInHaste · 10/05/2019 06:34

What a mess. As others have said an affair leading to both marriages breaking down and all you can do is support your Dad and sister, encouraging your Dad to sort his finances.

I am pretty much the same age as your Mum and do understand the wanting life to be more your own thing but this is really grim and I feel for you all.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 10/05/2019 06:42

Ugh OP . Shit storm indeed

And you can’t do much other than watch it play out

The ending of a family unit is very very painful. so just be mindful of your
Own upset and sadness about this. Then support your loved ones as best you can . I think a massive step back might be necessary for your own sanity Flowers

Paddy1234 · 10/05/2019 06:51

Oh crikey OP, it does look indeed like there is something between your DM and John.

bigbadbadger · 10/05/2019 06:54

It sounds like the affair started before she left your dad and your sister split. Your poor sister and dad. I am sorry this awful man has done this to your family.

SammySamSam09 · 10/05/2019 07:00

Wow nanny could very well become stepmum then.
That actually has made me throw up in my mouth a little.
There are some boundaries you don't cross and this is definitely one of them.

stucknoue · 10/05/2019 07:04

It seems that they, the mum and John, were close even if unrequited and they have seized the opportunity. Whether it was the catalysts for the splits or only realised after is anyone's guess (people do suppress feelings). It's highly unusual but whether your dm is somehow being hoodwinked I'm not sure, she is a grown woman and knows exactly what she's doing however upsetting for everyone else. You need to support the others who have been torn apart by this, can they not share?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 10/05/2019 07:04

Grim

Woman I know -her married mum had a long standing -6 year secret affair with woman's husband. ..so mother was shagging her son in law...

Utter abuse of trust...

It did not end well

Ferii · 10/05/2019 07:09

This is a car crash on slow motion, I don't envy you. The fall out from this will last years if not a life time. You've said your piece so all you can do is support your DF, DSis and Sarah and leave your DM and John to fuck it up for themselves.

MRex · 10/05/2019 07:11

Now that you look back with your eyes opened, has your mum always been selfish and put her needs before that of her children?

RantyAnty · 10/05/2019 07:13

How vile and disgusting to have an affair with you own DDs DH!

How vile and disgusting to have an affair with your DW's mum!

I'd offer support to your DSis and your DF. They are going to feel so betrayed when they find out the truth. And yes, help your DF get the divorce and his finances sorted quickly in case Lothario Louis has his eye on it.

As for Sarah, she is well rid of the mess but hopefully you keep in touch as a friend.

DM should be shunned for awhile. Lets her know that this vile behaviour isn't on in family.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread