To think my mum shouldn't move in with my sisters ex

[familyfallout19]

Trying to get as much info here as I can do not to drop feed. Also nc because this can be outing, apologies if it a long read.

My DSis and her ExDP (I'll call him John) have one DC together, they were together for around 4/5 years. He's quite a bit older than DSis (she's in her 20s and he's in his 40s). After a house they planned to move into fell through my DSis and John moved into my parents with their DS. Also living there was my DSis best friend (I'll call her Sarah) who has lived there as a lodger for years, pays rent and she has become part of the family. My DM has now chosen to separate from my DF, I don't know why but after 30 years of marriage she's decided to split with him. My DF is heartbroken, now on antidepressants and sleeping on the sofa.

My parents then decided to put their house on the market so that they can do their separate ways.

A couple of weeks ago, completely out the blue my DSis finished with John. He was devastated. Dsis then started sleeping in my DMs room with her.

Since then my DM and John have become really close. John was always quite close in our family anyway and I saw him as another older brother (I have an older DB anyway). Since the house was up for sale and two couples have no split the plan was for DF to get his own place, DM and Sarah to get their own place, DSis and her DS to get her own and John to get his own.
The next thing I know DM, Sarah and John are all loving in together. I didn't think too much of it because Sarah would be there too as it would be strange for DM to move in with her exSIL by herself, but I did have my concerns.

The other day I received a message from DF who has highlighted some concerns (the same kind of concerns that I was having) he mentioned how my DM (50) is going through a lot and she's vulnerable aswell as menopausal and he believes John is taking advantage of this. They are both becoming closer. I unfortunately addressed my concerns to my DM earlier which resulted in minor argument. DSis housing application was declined (reasons are not relavent to this thread) I mentioned to my DM that DSis May have to move in with her if she is unable to get a house of her own. DM then replied that she can't as John will be living there, I then explained that he can get his own place so DSis can live with out DM, obviously she doesn't want to live with him anymore as they're no longer a couple. DM got quite defensive and said he's going to be paying her rent which DSis can't do and she needs the money. I explained that her daughter should come first and she just said John is living with her, end of!

She then rang me back a few minutes later and explained that she wants him there as mentally he is helping her and he is her best friend. My DSis, DF and Sarah all think my DM has feelings for John, which I mentioned on the phone to her and said that if anything were to happen it would be really disrespectful on DSis. After a few moments silence she replied saying he's just her best friend, and if anything ever happened in the future so what, my DSis will find someone else and move on and she can make her own decisions. She then said she wished everyone would just leave her alone. She was getting quite upset and I wasn't getting through to her so I ended the conversation there.

DF then messaged me because he's worried as DM isn't acting like herself and he's right, she isn't. This isn't her. She's usually kind, loving, thoughtful. But my DF told me that Sarah saw a side to John that worried her and she tried speaking to my DM about it and DM basically kicked her out. Sarah is now living back with her mum and the morning she left my DM has told her to delete all contact from the family. Sarah had been living there for years.

We are all concerned about my DM and her actions, she is pushing away people that love her and I think John is playing a massive part in it. He's interfered with my parents, thing my DF has spoken to him about in confidence he has gone and told DM all the bad things painting a picture of my dad being a lot worse then he is.

Finally in terms of John paying DM rent in the new house I don't see how he would because my DM gives HIM money.

I don't even know if there is more to add or not. My mind is just frazzled! It's really getting me down, my whole family is falling apart and I hate it.

What do you think of this?

Why does your DF not have to make room for your DSIS?
If you genuinely think your mum is vulnerable and John is exploiting her then you have to maintain amiable contact with your mum so she can confide in you.
Trying to push and manipulate her into doing what you, your DSIS and your DF want, will backfire.
John may be taking advantage of her but it also feels that your family are used to making your DM do what you all want and putting herself last. You're all (you, your DF, Sarah, your DSIS) making demands on her. I think this may be the time for loving support rather than critical demands.

I really wish this didn't need to be said, but... If you really think your sister hasn't clocked what is happening, I'd try and talk to her before this makes the Daily Mail or some other pathetic rag.

I think @LillithsFamiliar is right rather than her being vulnerable and him taking advantage. She might just be being selfish for once, she's chosen the completely wrong man to be with though.

@EggAndButter grooming/abuse?! Really?

I'm still reading through the comments but will answer a few questions I've spotted so far, the house is not sold but until the sales go through they are currently under the same roof, tensions are high and the atmosphere is shitty but what else would you expect.

DM has found a place and is taking out a mortgage in her name only and John will basically be a "lodger" paying rent to her.

I contacted Sarah last night to see how she was and she told me my DM told her that she's sorry it didn't work out and she still loves her.

Someone also asked about early dementia, to be honest, it had crossed my mind because I have seen quite a bit of memory loss in her over the last few years. I don't know though, I wouldn't make assumptions about it.

As for the affair, I personally don't think anything is happening at the moment but my family including DSis suspect my DM has feelings for John. I do think that they are getting closer and closer where they will end up together in some way

I meant the house Is now sold. Stupid phone

What a mess

I know a family where this happened, the mother and son in law (who is the same age as the daughter) were shagging and suddenly just ran off together leaving a devastated daughter (with four kids) and her dad. Weirdly though they came back, the couples got back together and now they all play happy families like nothing happened. The daughter and son in law have even had a couple more kids since. So fucked up!

Is your mum one of those competitive types? As in the ones who simper "everyone thinks we are sisters!" and flirt with everyone in sight? The mum in the family I described is very like this, I think she is just so bloody vain that her daughter's and husband's feelings didn't even come into it

The guy's in his 40's, Op's mum 50-they probably have more in common/get on better.

Obviously I'm not condoning it though.

Where were John & your sister living when the house purchase fell through?

"I do think that they are getting closer and closer where they will end up together in some way"

Well yes as either one or both of them are determined that they live together in some capacity.

It does sound like an excuse that your sister couldn't pay rent-but if she's now a single parent, what will she be entitled to & hypothetically she could pay rent to her mum as to any landlord?

Eurgh, the thought of my Mother and DP together makes me feel ill 🤢- wretched. It’s so uncouth and grim to take your own daughter’s sloppy seconds, not to mention the fact that is her Grandson’s Father! All very Jeremy Kyle.

I’m not entirely sure what you can do about it though because the more you tell her it’s wrong, the more defensive she will become. It’s a rancid situation, I’m sure your Dsis is over the moon .

Eurgh, the thought of my Mother and DP together makes me feel ill 🤢- wretched. It’s so uncouth and grim to take your own daughter’s sloppy seconds, not to mention the fact that is her Grandson’s Father! All very Jeremy Kyle.

I’m not entirely sure what you can do about it though because the more you tell her it’s wrong, the more defensive she will become. It’s a rancid situation, I’m sure your Dsis is over the moon .

Eurgh, the thought of my Mother and DP together makes me feel ill 🤢- wretched. It’s so uncouth and grim to take your own daughter’s sloppy seconds, not to mention the fact that is her Grandson’s Father! All very Jeremy Kyle.

I’m not entirely sure what you can do about it though because the more you tell her it’s wrong, the more defensive she will become. It’s a rancid situation, I’m sure your Dsis is over the moon .

Shit, no idea why that posted three times... sorry.

Iltavilli said...

"Cocklodger."

Haha there's a blast from the past. I haven't heard that for years.😁

Yup, cocklodger pure and simple. No way will he be paying your DM rent. he moved in on a vulnerable woman and is getting her to cut ties to anyone who gets in his way of an easy life sponging off her.

You talk abut your Mum like she's a dried up old Husk, menopausal and with dementia. She's only 50 for goodness sake. I'm going to be 50 this year. No sign of menopause thanks very much, still got a very high sex drive and a gorgeous DH that's in his 40's. You are really selling her short. But then children rarely acknowledge that their parents are sexual beings, they just see "Old Mum".

Sounds to me like your sister has a huge age gap (20 years?) between her and her Partner. And he's most likely decided that he fancies your Mum more, she's probably a "grown up" version of your Sister, and let's face it they are much closer in age.

I don't condone any of it, because regardless of this, there are boundaries that you don't cross, and this is most certainly one of them.

But for all you know, your Dad might have neglected your Mum sexually for years, and now she's bowled over by a man in her home, paying her attention. She still shouldn't act on it, but sometimes people are extremely irrational when they are thinking with their nether regions.

I'd suspect they're already shagging, because selling houses and divorcing spouses is serious stuff. Your Mum has almost confirmed it with her comments anyway.

If I were you, I’d book a cruise for Xmas time. And the next one too

Erm, with the very odd living arrangements, it doesn't sound like anyone is working, so how will they swan off on a cruise?

It sounds like a Jeremy Kyle plus cocklodger situation to me

Jeremy kyle is what springs to my mind too 🙈

They were living in a different town about 45 min drive away. DSis was born in the town that my parents live in but the council declined her housing application due to the year she spent living outside of town.

She doesn't work as she didn't go back after maternity leave after having her DS.

All I said last night to DM that DSis migh have to move in there as they may be her only option. She doesn't want to be there if John is there and DM has put her foot down and said he's living with her, period!

Poor DSis wants to stand on her own two feet anyway which I respect of her. But if that were me, I wouldn't want my DD to feel uncomfortable or be homeless so John would be gone in my eyes.

I don't want to go NC with DM, she's still my mum and I do love her, but I don't think she's thinking straight. This is all so out of character for her

Agree with Huskylover1 100%

This is all so out of character for her

Because she's putting herself first for once? I'm sorry but it sounds like you have all taken her for granted for a very long time and finally she's doing what she wants.

I do agree that the person she has chosen to do it with is not the most appropriate! And, as I said previously, I couldn't do it. However, she is entitled to a life of her own at her age! Saying she should house your sister and child is actually very selfish. Maybe she wants a bit of a life before she dies!

The more I read the more I think this John offered an "escape" for her. A way out of having to always be "good old mum" who puts everyone else first.

@familyfallout19 you've got no right to tell your DM that your sister might have to move in there.

Your DM should be putting her first and offering if she's going to be made homeless but you can't tell her to do it.

Yeah, woman over 50 bound to be dementia (sarcastic emoji)

Actually did see this on JKyle on YouTube; except the dad had died and the mum had moved in with the ex. Although most of mn will dispise me for admitting I watch it.

Excellent epispde, lots of shouting and not many teeth.

@diddl the daughter couldn't claim housing benefit if she was living with a close relative.

OP couldn't your sister move in with you as a short term measure?

I can't really believe that pp are defending the mother here. A blind man can see what's going on here and it's disgusting. This kind of crazy causes kids to be messed up and families dysfunctional.

Not that my DM would ever do this, as she sees her son in laws as her sons... but assuming hell froze over and thus this happened...my siblings and 8 would have nothing to do with her again.

There are lines you don't cross. Why is her DDs Ex her best friend? Bloody nonsense. That's the line given by numerous OWs.

Terrible terrible boundaries ..that she could even consider a relationship with him. Why would she even look at him in that way.

Of all the ppl you think you could trust your man with...you would think your mother was not a concern.

Obviously there’s no obligation on the OP’s DM to have her DD and DGS to live with her, but it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth that she’s having her daughter’s ex there instead. And it certainly does sound as if they are involved in a relationship, even if it’s not sexual as yet.

Yes she may have been taken for granted in the past, but that’s no excuse for her current behaviour. She’s perfectly entitled to some happiness, obviously, but she’s crossed a boundary here.

I am not defending her choice of man. Not at all. But I am defending her right to leave her husband and not to have to jump at her children's commands! She is a person in her own right and my guess is that this John is the first person to acknowledge that in a long time.

Even in the OP it says that the daughter hung up on her mum because she wasn't "getting through to her". She didn't want to listen to her mum, just dictate what should happen.

Sorry, but the whole thing gives me the impression that the husband and children just want this woman to step back in line and know her place. And for that, yes I do feel sorry for her. Has anybody actually asked her why she's done this? In a genuine wanting to understand way, not as an accusation? Because I think she's probably been unhappy for a long time.

The fact about whether or not DM will house DSis or not if it came to it isn't the issue, to me it's just a matter of principle.

Yes she's 50 and wants to live a life, I get that and is support that, however this situation is very much up in the air at the moment and my family has always been solid, whereas now they're all falling apart in front of my very eyes. I have no option but to sit and watch this as I don't want to get too involved. I love both my parents and I don't want to be in the middle. The way things look I think a major fallout is imminent

@Asta19 just to clarify I didn't hang up on DM. I highlighted some concerns, I was trying to understand where her head is at. If she got with John I feel it is a betrayal to my younger DSis.

She has claimed that he's her best friend and he's helping her through mental struggles. All I said that they have gotten really close and wondered IF it came down to it she wouldn't choose to stick with her DD and let John find his own place. If he's her 'best friend' then I don't see the problem with not living with him.

DM started getting quite defensive and I just chose to end the conversation there as not to upset her. I did tell her I loved her. I do want her to feel supported but I told her that I'm always here for her, not just John