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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to issue this ultimatum to grieving DP?

114 replies

Abi197 · 09/05/2019 13:46

I have been with my partner for 2 years, we've lived together for a year in his house. We have no children together but he has DD5 from a previous relationship that we have Fri-Mon every week.

The first 18 months of our relationship was amazing, we were always laughing and joking. I loved his sunny outlook on life and the way he always saw the good in a bad situation. We were best friends. I am very close to his DD (and her mum).

Six months ago his grandfather (who he was extremely close to) sadly died. DP was devastated, cried himself to sleep every night and became very depressed.

The first weeks after his grandfather passed, DP completely shut me out, said he would never be happy again, totally emotionless. I very much struggled with this, but gave him a lot of space to grieve. I felt pushed out and a bit useless, but tried not to show it and was there for him. I took him away on holiday, listened to him when he wanted to talk, hugged him when he cried. I leant on his mum a lot for support through this time as to how best deal with him and his reactions.

The upset however has slowly turned from devastation into anger and bitterness over the last few months. He picks at everything I say, he argues over the smallest things. He is very negative. It's like the sunshine has gone from his life. I arrange nice things for us to do together, he will either sit in silence or pick up on every negative thing. We can be in the most beautiful restaurant, in the most beautiful city, and he will pick on the snag in the napkins, or the decor that's not to his taste, or the dirty wine glass etc etc.

He picks fights over everything. He has road rage every time we go out in the car. He is arguing with our (lovely) neighbours over ridiculous minor situations that have never bothered him before. He is shouting at DD, to the point where I have to comfort her. He is really quite unpleasant to be around. We have stopped having sex.

I have spoken to him many, many times. I have begged, pleaded with him to go and get counselling. He point blank refuses and says he doesn't know how it will help.

He is now making my life a complete misery. We argue all the time. I dread going home as I know he is going to suck all the positivity out of my day. He is lazy with DD and I end up doing everything for her, which I don't mind at all as I love her to bits, but I feel sorry for her as she is missing the time with her Daddy. I appreciate that his grandfather was like a father to him, and that I don't know what I would be like if anything happened to my close family.

I am considering giving him an ultimatum and saying "either you go to counselling or I am moving out?". I think I know how this will go down which is even more worrying.

AIBU or am I being an unkind, selfish cow that needs to have more compassion?

I just know that I can't carry on as things are! I so desperately want the man I love/loved(??) back.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2019 13:49

I would be out the door and down the hall, op. Unless he makes the decision to get help for himself, there is nothing you can do. Don't allow him to ruin your life, too. You are completely miserable. It's time to save yourself.

beefthief · 09/05/2019 13:51

He needs help, clearly. You're not obliged to give him that help, so it's up to you whether or not you want that burden.

MulticolourMophead · 09/05/2019 13:52

I lost mum 6 months ago, so I'm grieving too.

Give him your ultimatum. He may be grieving, but he has no right to take it out on you and his DD. You're not being a cow to not want this nasty behaviour around you.

He needs to get help to allow his grief to be expressed in less harmful ways.

StormTreader · 09/05/2019 13:52

I think it's totally reasonable to say "I don't recognise the person you have become since your grandfather passed. I've tried to give you space and support in every way I know how, but I don't know what else I can do and I can't continue in a relationship with this person you've become.

You need to decide what you're going to do - it doesn't have to be counselling but either things change or I have to say goodbye."

CoraPirbright · 09/05/2019 13:52

If you are prepared to go through with the threat then, yes, I think the ultimatum should be issued. I am sorry he has lost someone so close to him but he cannot make your life a misery too. I would also consider talking to your step-daughters mum to make her aware of the situation. He shouldn't be taking this out on his dd.

Babdoc · 09/05/2019 13:55

It’s no good issuing an ultimatum to leave, unless you’re fully prepared to go through with it if he refuses.
Otherwise he learns that you’re just bluffing and he can ignore any future complaints from you.
It sounds as though he has become depressed following the bereavement and is not coping. He really needs to see his GP. Perhaps you could offer to accompany him there?

LisaSimpsonsbff · 09/05/2019 13:55

Absolutely do this. DH, back when he was DP, gave me a pretty similar ultimatum. I actually think it saved my life. If I hadn't agreed to seek treatment for my depression, though, he would have been right to leave. If he does pick counselling it won't be a quick fix and you'll have lots more supporting to do. If he doesn't then leave, and feel no guilt about it. You're his partner, not his carer.

IHaveNoIdeaReally · 09/05/2019 13:56

I agree with CoraPirbright

Chickychoccyegg · 09/05/2019 13:57

I wouldnt even give an ultimatum, he doesnt get to ruin your life, while making no effort to sort himself out, yes its sad when someone close to you dies and you greive and try to carry on best you can, but you don't have a go at everyone else who cares about you.
I'd be looking for somewhere else to live, maybe once he gets councelling and comes to terms with the death, you may have a chance to get back together?

barryfromclareisfit · 09/05/2019 13:57

Just go.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/05/2019 13:58

I agree with @MulticolourMophead.

Also sorry for your loss MulticolourMophead

LisaSimpsonsbff · 09/05/2019 13:59

I misread, and thought she was your daughter. I agree with cora that if he's regularly upsetting this very young child and not caring for her properly her mum needs to know - she does anyway, but definitely if you leave. I think you have some responsibility to her in this situation (to the extent that you need to be sure another adult is aware). You don't have any to him.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 09/05/2019 14:00

I'd give this ultimatum too. It's not fair to ruin your life and refuse to get any help to deal with his situation. I'd also talk to his daughter's mum and give her a heads up that all isn't well with him, so she can protect her child from his moods.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/05/2019 14:00

You have to do something, he is not reacting in a normal manner to a breavement. He seems to be stuck, unable to move on to Acceptance and then the rest of his life.

When DHs mother took her own life he got stuck a bit, but we talked that through and I had to bump him on a bit, remind him he was still alive, as was I.

Your DP needs to see his GP, now! He needs some help wyth his griving process, it isn't helpful or healthy for him to continue as he is. If he refuses and chooses to remain with his nager and grief as company rather than you and your DD then yes, you must move on. Build a new life for the 2 of you.

Best of luck.

grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

YouJustDoYou · 09/05/2019 14:01

I would do it. When I was 19, my dad died suddenly. It triggered me drinking, and triggered me being vile and taking it out on my then boyfriend (now dh). Dh took only so much and then delivered me a stark and frank ultimatum. I listened, he was more important to me than deliberately trying to drive him away.im glad he did it. Your partner may or may not listen,of course, but just because he's grieving doesn't mean you deserve to have it taken out on you.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/05/2019 14:02

Sorry, his daughter... then you must make sure he starts to think of her to improve his life. Or he won't be able to see her weekly, it won't be healthy for her!

daisypond · 09/05/2019 14:03

You may need to go with him to the gp to ask for counselling or antidepressants if he’s unwilling to organise it himself. I wouldn’t give an ultimatum yet, although it would have been better if he’d acted sooner. He needs psychological help.

recrudescence · 09/05/2019 14:04

His grief doesn’t give him the right to make you completely miserable. In your situation, I’d be long gone.

hewontstopshitting · 09/05/2019 14:04

You’d be completely fair to give him an ultimatum. We all deal with grief differently but that’s no reason to take it out on others.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/05/2019 14:05

Yes to the ultimatum.

Sorry he is grieving but this does not give him the right to suck the life out of everyone around him, particularly when he won't do anything about it.

Is this the first time he has lost someone? You also don't mention your ages but I'm guessing still quite young?

He absolutely must get some counselling. He point blank refuses and says he doesn't know how it will help then he's either extremely ignorant or frightened or both.

Why on earth does he think millions of people have counselling every single day?

Good luck. Hopefully it will give him the kick up the backside he needs.

Fairylea · 09/05/2019 14:05

I think for the sake of your dd you need to leave, he’s being emotionally abusive to you both really but she can’t protect herself and doesn’t deserve to live in this environment.

Original poster
Abi197 · 09/05/2019 14:05

I don't want to throw the towel in, I really don't. If anything like this happened to me, I would hope that he wouldn't abandon me but I just feel that I can't continue the way things are. I truly am miserable and walking on eggshells.

I really don't want to leave and I especially don't want to leave DD but something needs to give. He is on a downward spiral, pressing the self-destruct button. DD's mum knows, I've been confiding in her quite a lot as obviously DD goes back to her mum saying "Daddy shouted at me for XYZ".

@YouJustDoYou He is also drinking heavily every night Sad

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 09/05/2019 14:06

AryaStarkWolf thank you.

I mentioned it because I wanted to show that grieving does not mean you can be a dick to others.

Original poster
Abi197 · 09/05/2019 14:07

Is this the first time he has lost someone? You also don't mention your ages but I'm guessing still quite young?

We are early 30's. Yes, the first time he has lost someone.

OP posts:
ShinyShoe · 09/05/2019 14:07

I lost a very close family member a few years ago and I sought counselling immediately. I had small children so I couldn’t fall apart. He really does need help and bereavement counselling does help. He needs help to give him coping skills. I’d also suggest meditation, hypnotherapy and mindfulness sessions. Would he go if you booked those up for him? If he won’t go to counselling then I’m not sure what more you can do? Maybe it needs you to move out for him to take action? Look at the website Cruse too. They often do drop in sessions and maybe you could go along without him to get advice on how best to handle this.

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