AIBU to issue this ultimatum to grieving DP?

[Abi197]

I have been with my partner for 2 years, we've lived together for a year in his house. We have no children together but he has DD5 from a previous relationship that we have Fri-Mon every week.

The first 18 months of our relationship was amazing, we were always laughing and joking. I loved his sunny outlook on life and the way he always saw the good in a bad situation. We were best friends. I am very close to his DD (and her mum).

Six months ago his grandfather (who he was extremely close to) sadly died. DP was devastated, cried himself to sleep every night and became very depressed.

The first weeks after his grandfather passed, DP completely shut me out, said he would never be happy again, totally emotionless. I very much struggled with this, but gave him a lot of space to grieve. I felt pushed out and a bit useless, but tried not to show it and was there for him. I took him away on holiday, listened to him when he wanted to talk, hugged him when he cried. I leant on his mum a lot for support through this time as to how best deal with him and his reactions.

The upset however has slowly turned from devastation into anger and bitterness over the last few months. He picks at everything I say, he argues over the smallest things. He is very negative. It's like the sunshine has gone from his life. I arrange nice things for us to do together, he will either sit in silence or pick up on every negative thing. We can be in the most beautiful restaurant, in the most beautiful city, and he will pick on the snag in the napkins, or the decor that's not to his taste, or the dirty wine glass etc etc.

He picks fights over everything. He has road rage every time we go out in the car. He is arguing with our (lovely) neighbours over ridiculous minor situations that have never bothered him before. He is shouting at DD, to the point where I have to comfort her. He is really quite unpleasant to be around. We have stopped having sex.

I have spoken to him many, many times. I have begged, pleaded with him to go and get counselling. He point blank refuses and says he doesn't know how it will help.

He is now making my life a complete misery. We argue all the time. I dread going home as I know he is going to suck all the positivity out of my day. He is lazy with DD and I end up doing everything for her, which I don't mind at all as I love her to bits, but I feel sorry for her as she is missing the time with her Daddy. I appreciate that his grandfather was like a father to him, and that I don't know what I would be like if anything happened to my close family.

I am considering giving him an ultimatum and saying "either you go to counselling or I am moving out?". I think I know how this will go down which is even more worrying.

AIBU or am I being an unkind, selfish cow that needs to have more compassion?

I just know that I can't carry on as things are! I so desperately want the man I love/loved(??) back.

You are young, and the relationship is relatively new. Depression and alcohol abuse are not things you have a responsibility to manage for him, and while you may love his daughter, she's not yours and she is not a reason for you to stay. She has loving women in her life - including her mother, and his mother can assess his contact with the child if he is unable to look after her without you around. It might even be kinder to her if it worked out that way.

I honestly would not even give him the ultimatum. You shouldn't - you DON'T - have to "fix" someone this early on.

Quietly make your plans to leave. Move back in with your parents, and leave him to his family to sort out. You've stayed with him through six months of him neglecting you and your relationship, making you miserable and refusing help. Cut your losses.

I think you need to be very tough and be prepared to leave him. Immediately.

Yes to the ultimatum: he gets help and stops drinking, or you're leaving. You can't continue to live like this. It will destroy you.

And I would make sure his daughter's mother knows you will no longer be there to 'protect' the girl emotionally, because she is getting hurt in all this. Contact will probably need to be supervised if he won't seek help.

I would just leave, and tell him and his DC’s mother about the negative changes in his parenting of his DC.

His behaviour isn’t justified by the death of his relative.

this might help you. Anger is a normal part of grief, but taking out his anger on you isn't OK.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve, just as there is no set time limit on how long it takes to work through the stages. But, it does sound as though he is in a depressive state and needs help to accept the new 'normal' now that his dgf has died. He is fortunate to have reached this age and to have not lost a loved one before, but that also means he hasn't learned to cope with a death and he may also be frightened of his own feelings and responses.
It is a shame that he won't accept help, because it sounds as though he really needs it. But, if he really won't get help, then it sounds as though you have little option but to issue your ultimatum. Remember, supporting him doesn't mean allowing him to treat you badly, it means understanding his grief and helping him get the help he needs. If he won't allow you to support his, then there is little else you can do.

I would definitely move back to your parents at least for now OP. Hopefully it'll show him you mean business without closing the door on him permanently.

As an aside can I say how nice it is to read about the great relationship you have with your DSD and her mother. We lose sight on here sometimes that step families aren't always all about "wicked" step mothers and "crazy" ex wives. I really hope you can work something out leave him

i lost my grandmother when i was 7 another at 12 and my beloved dgg at 21-i was very close to him i lived with him for a while

i was heartbroken but theres still other people to consider around you-like other have said hes very lucky to have his gg so long-he needs to sort himself out

if youve got a seperate friendship with your dsds mum, then maybe you could speak to her about still seeing the child sometimes.
I dont think you can go on being your partners emotional punchbag. Its not good for dsd to see that either

Don't suggest it - just do it.
Move back to your parents.
He needs to look after himself and his DD.
He is doing neither.
I would just tell him that you are leaving and going to your parents for 2 weeks and you want no contact from him at all.
You will contact him after the 2 weeks and arrange to meet up to see where you go from here.
But get out of that awful situation ASAP.
He will drag you down with him!!!!

Wrt his dd and not seeing her if you split upif you could still see her, would that make the decision of what to do easier?

As you are very close to his dd's mum, can you ask her advice? Tell her that an insurmountable problem for you is not seeing dd again; maybe yo could work something out whereby you become one of those aunts who aren't really aunts?

Have you heard of a sunk cost fallacy? It's where you believe you've invested so much that you should keep going and invest even more in an attempt to make everything work. I think this is what you're doing now.

I wouldn't give an ultimatum. I don't think they tend to work. I would tell him that you don't want to live with him any more, that you don't believe you're helping things at all. I'd ask your step-daughter's mum whether you can continue to see them both, and whether you can babysit once a week, or whatever suits you. There's no reason why that good relationship should end.

The problem, though, with keeping in touch with his daughter, is that pretty soon I reckon this guy would find someone else and would cheer up then. I imagine that would upset you. I don't think he'd reach that point as quickly if you stay with him. (Not your fault at all.)

His problem isn't just normal grief and he won't just move on. His problem is grief+alcohol. It's a terrible combination, and I suspect that without intervention, the situation will escalate.

6 mths and he's behaving like this his over a 92 yr old dying and it was expected, surely he knew this was inevitable? He sounds emotionally very immature, does he think of his mum? It was her father.
I think you need to be blunt and tell him to stop being selfish and lashing out at you and his DD, can you go away for a few days, leave him to wallow and hopefully realise how he's hurting you.

He's taking his loss out on you and things around him. He needs help. You sound like you've been more than supportive in trying to ease the grieving process for him. His grief is ruining his relationship with you, his DD, neighbours and life in general. I can understand that losing a loved one can be absolutely crippling but not to the point where you lose the people that's most important in your life and are standing by you in tough times. I would give him the ultimatum you suggested but be prepared if he doesn't want to go to counselling and your relationship gets put under more pressure.

My Dsis went through this when our mum died. It didn't help that she was the one that found her where she had been lying all night on the floor.
She became bitter nasty and sarcastic. Nothing was ever right. Eventually she went for counselling and eventually turned the corner
Your partner sounds like he's really struggling.

Where's the fun? There is none. I'd be gone

I don't think you do need to issue an ultimatum. If you have somewhere to go you can stay a while then just tell him you can't go on living in this atmosphere if he's not willing to do anything about it. That you're going to stay at X place to give him space and go from there. It'll be up to him then when he has his own company whether he wants to stay in the place he's in or not. Give him something else to think about type of thing.

If he doesn't then you don't go back.

I lost my little boy four year ago (not my first loss but "biggest) I'm ok generally but I'm slipping this month (anniversary) I got myself to the doctors, I'm down for counselling and I won't touch alcohol knowing it's a depressant and would chance make me worse.

I have children who need me and a DH I love too bits I really don't take my grief out on them and if I thought for one minute I was I'd remove myself from the family home.

I would issue an ultimatum in your shoes. I'm sorry he has been making yours and your stepdaughters life so miserable.

He's self medicating with alcohol which has a depressant effect upon the brain not helpful when you have spiraled into a deep depression. He's bitter and angry and striking out at his closest and dearest-yes it's shit how he's treating you OP however what effect he has on a tiny,vulnerable little girl should not be minimized or glossed over-I think her visits should be restricted to supervised ones and she is physically removed when he becomes abusive! I think he needs to know he is close to losing his daughter if he doesn't seek help stat!

OP you NEED to talk to her mother and advise her you are planning on leaving and you are very worried for the child-maybe an emergency temporary court custody order is necessary

I'd let dd's mum know that you'll support her if she wants to push for contract centre access only with the dad (heck, I'd advise her to do it) and then I would issue an ultimatum and leave if needed. Only he can decide that he's going to pull himself together. At the moment he's feeling sorry for himself and justified in falling apart, but adults don't really get to fall apart for months at a time. He has responsibilities to face up to. YANBU, OP.

Off topic, what gets me is if his mother knew he would react like this, what did she do to mitigate especially when he was growing up? I have a family member, who was devastated when their father died but he’d been ill for years and years ditto his wife. Death was a release for him. As a parent I teach my dd death is an inevitable part of life. Perhaps I do that because I lost my father when I was a teen. In any case he has been so lucky to reach his 30’s with no losses.

@Pandamodium you sound very strong and a great mum.

You need to spell it out. Tell him that your life is miserable and tell him you’re leaving for some time out.

I suspect that holding onto the grief and refusing to speak to counselling is actually a way he can hold onto his grandfather. He doesn’t want to ‘get better’ as it means coming to terms with the fact that he’s gone from his life. Much like an alcoholic has to first admit that there is a problem, he has to accept that his grandfather has gone and he has to move on. That doesn’t mean that the pain should go away or that he loves him any less, but it does mean that he should live his life whilst he can.
The ball in a box analogy is good - when you first start to grieve, the ball takes up all the room in the box that is your life. Every time the ball hits the side, you are hit with grief and pain. As time goes by, the box gets bigger and bigger but the ball continues to bounce off the walls and occasionally hit the sides causing flare ups of grief (funeral, first anniversaries etc). The ball is always a part of you and whilst the box continues to grow and day by day you’re fine, sometimes the ball hits the side and you feel the pain again (Xmas, birthdays, songs and smells). He needs to understand that he needs to let the box grow to feel better. He also needs to understand that wallowing will not bring his gf back but may cost him his partner and dd.

@Mummyoflittledragon that is a lovely thing to say but I don't feel like I'm in the minority. I'm on a support group on FB for bereaved parents and the majority do seek help when struggling with anger/grief.

I would be interested to hear if he has had depression I'm the past and if this has just triggered him into another episode. Also if he has had drinking problems in the past.
I have a feeling this is more than his gd and that he is prone to depression anyway.
Your first year was him at a good time.

If it was me I wouldn't do it face to face. My dh is like yours.. defensive straight away.

I would write a long letter stating why you have gone and how you are feeling. Leave it for him to read at his leisure and go and stay with his mum or a friend for a few nights. Good luck xxxx