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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to issue this ultimatum to grieving DP?

114 replies

Abi197 · 09/05/2019 13:46

I have been with my partner for 2 years, we've lived together for a year in his house. We have no children together but he has DD5 from a previous relationship that we have Fri-Mon every week.

The first 18 months of our relationship was amazing, we were always laughing and joking. I loved his sunny outlook on life and the way he always saw the good in a bad situation. We were best friends. I am very close to his DD (and her mum).

Six months ago his grandfather (who he was extremely close to) sadly died. DP was devastated, cried himself to sleep every night and became very depressed.

The first weeks after his grandfather passed, DP completely shut me out, said he would never be happy again, totally emotionless. I very much struggled with this, but gave him a lot of space to grieve. I felt pushed out and a bit useless, but tried not to show it and was there for him. I took him away on holiday, listened to him when he wanted to talk, hugged him when he cried. I leant on his mum a lot for support through this time as to how best deal with him and his reactions.

The upset however has slowly turned from devastation into anger and bitterness over the last few months. He picks at everything I say, he argues over the smallest things. He is very negative. It's like the sunshine has gone from his life. I arrange nice things for us to do together, he will either sit in silence or pick up on every negative thing. We can be in the most beautiful restaurant, in the most beautiful city, and he will pick on the snag in the napkins, or the decor that's not to his taste, or the dirty wine glass etc etc.

He picks fights over everything. He has road rage every time we go out in the car. He is arguing with our (lovely) neighbours over ridiculous minor situations that have never bothered him before. He is shouting at DD, to the point where I have to comfort her. He is really quite unpleasant to be around. We have stopped having sex.

I have spoken to him many, many times. I have begged, pleaded with him to go and get counselling. He point blank refuses and says he doesn't know how it will help.

He is now making my life a complete misery. We argue all the time. I dread going home as I know he is going to suck all the positivity out of my day. He is lazy with DD and I end up doing everything for her, which I don't mind at all as I love her to bits, but I feel sorry for her as she is missing the time with her Daddy. I appreciate that his grandfather was like a father to him, and that I don't know what I would be like if anything happened to my close family.

I am considering giving him an ultimatum and saying "either you go to counselling or I am moving out?". I think I know how this will go down which is even more worrying.

AIBU or am I being an unkind, selfish cow that needs to have more compassion?

I just know that I can't carry on as things are! I so desperately want the man I love/loved(??) back.

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 09/05/2019 14:09

I've just seen about the drinking.

He really needs to pull his head out his arse

Huskylover1 · 09/05/2019 14:09

My DH was a bit like this, for about a year after his mum died. She was only 60 and it hit him very hard. Totally back to normal after that, and it was a good job, because I felt at the end of my tether. Perhaps the ultimatum would be a good shock tactic.

Acis · 09/05/2019 14:12

I have spoken to him many, many times. I have begged, pleaded with him to go and get counselling. He point blank refuses and says he doesn't know how it will help.

So what does he think will help? Because for sure sniping at everyone, getting angry all the time and making people's lives miserable isn't helping. He does need to realise that he just can't go on like this if he wants any sort of relationship with you, his child or, well, anyone.

Original poster
Abi197 · 09/05/2019 14:12

I've just seen about the drinking

Sorry, I didn't mean to dripfeed, it was only when the other poster mentioned it that I realised I hadn't included that part.

I think I am going to have to do the ultimatum. I just don't know what I am going to do if he chooses misery over me. I will miss DD so much.

OP posts:
MachineBee · 09/05/2019 14:13

Yes to the ultimatum. And yes to keeping your DSD’s mum in the loop.

Was the Grandfather your DPs mum’s father? If yes, she will be grieving too.

This is a horrid situation for everyone but you can help those who need and will accept it. I.e your DSD. Her mum, I hope will be grateful you are concerned for her.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/05/2019 14:14

He is shouting at DD, to the point where I have to comfort her.

Please point this out to him in no uncertain terms. If you're on good terms with DDs Mum, ask her to tell him that he won't be allowed to see her if he shouts. That is inexcusable.

You sound like a good person. You're not abandoning him, you are worried about him. But he has to do this himself, even with your help. You can't 'fix' him unfortunately.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/05/2019 14:14

First bereaement and he is stuck in alcohol and remorse.

He REALLY does need to be taken to his GP. Get his mum on board, you have GOT to step in and do what he cannot. Much as IU hate the word and the concept - you have to stage some sort of intervention before he truly hurts himself.

NeegansWife · 09/05/2019 14:14

Is he being like this with everyone; you said yourself, his DD and the neighbours. What about other family members, work colleagues, friends? It really sounds as If he's using you as his whipping post OP.

IAmNotAWitch · 09/05/2019 14:15

You can't save him. You can only get dragged down with him.

If he is drinking every night then if you do leave it is really important you let the mum know that. His DDs safety is the no. 1 priority.

She must be protected, you have choices she does not.

Sobeyondthehills · 09/05/2019 14:16

I don't want to throw the towel in, I really don't. If anything like this happened to me, I would hope that he wouldn't abandon me but I just feel that I can't continue the way things are. I truly am miserable and walking on eggshells.

If you are not prepared to go through with the threat then you can't issue it.

I was all prepared to come and say you are being unreasonable and people grieve different ways but reading your post he doesn't have the right to suck away all joy away from your life. There isn't a time limit on grief but not even prepared to seek help is a massive problem

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/05/2019 14:16

Have you ever said to him along the lines of “Your grandfather was like a father to you because he was there for you and spent time with you. You have a child and you aren’t doing the same for her. That is a terrible shame. Right now she has lost her daddy and is grieving for you.”

Tighnabruaich · 09/05/2019 14:20

Good point mummyoflittledragon

Jenny70 · 09/05/2019 14:24

I was thinking that mummyoflittledragon, his daughter has lost her father (and great-grandfather) all in one. Even worse her father has changed into someone that isn't putting her best interests first, isn't protecting, nuturing and loving her. And her mother needs to recognise this, and if her daughter is scared of being with him his contact needs to decrease.

It sounds like he is depressed, and even if he can't see counselling helping he can't see the wood from the trees - he needs to try something to make himself live again. I doubt his grandfather would want him to act like this forever, it's not a healthy way to grieve.

He needs to try something, maybe anti-depressants, counselling, something that will give him some closure and a way to move forward.

quizqueen · 09/05/2019 14:28

It really amazes me that people don't expect others, especially elderly people, to die and aren't prepared for it. I talk openly to my adult daughters about how they'll spend all my money when I'm gone and joke about them putting all my collectibles on ebay straight away and who will do sewing for them and so on . It's just life. Of course, I miss my own parents but they would have wanted me to live a happy and fulfilled life without them and as a tribute to my upbringing.

purpleboy · 09/05/2019 14:29

Rather than an ultimatum as such... could you talk to him and tell him you are really struggling with his behaviour and if he doesn't agree to help, you will have to reconsider the relationship? You could possibly mention you've looked at somewhere else to live just to make it sound less like an empty threat?
The point of this being it gives you a chance to gauge his reaction, to see if he is even prepared to consider it. Without the immediate fallout if he refuses, you still have options.

Could his mum step in to talk to him, or his ex?

Also agree with mummyoflittledragon regarding his daughters feelings.

number1wang · 09/05/2019 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FriarTuck · 09/05/2019 14:47

Could his mum talk to him - he might take it better from her since she's that step away from home life with you and therefore might not be seen as making it 'personal'?

Belenus · 09/05/2019 14:58

Thing is, OP, as harsh as this may sound, he's not special in having lost someone. We all lose people we're close to and actually he was lucky to have a grandparent he was close to still alive when he's in his 30s. Three of my grandparents were dead by the time I was 15, the fourth died when I was 31. Like pretty much everyone, I've had significant losses in my life. This does not give us carte blanche to act like an arsehole.

The world is unfair and people do die. Fortunately his grandfather had a reasonably long life and left behind at least one great grandchild. We don't all get that. I agree with PP - issue an ultimatum if you can go through with it. Either way, make it very clear to him that grieving or not there is no excuse for his behaviour. He needs to change, he may well need professional help and you are not his whipping boy.

Tinyteatime · 09/05/2019 14:58

He needs to be medicated and have counselling. I don’t mean to sound horrid but surely a normal adult accepts that you will lose your grandparents/parents at some point in your life and to say you will ‘never be happy again’ is a bit extreme? If he refuses to see gp then I would absolutely be out of there as it’s totally unreasonable to behave like this for his dds sake.

StreetDreams · 09/05/2019 15:01

Why do you need to give an ultimatum? He's clearly stuck and needs help, and for whatever reason is unable to ask for it himself. Why not just make an appointment with his GP or a bereavement counsellor and then take him? If he point blank refuses to go along, how would an ultimatum help? I think by giving an ultimatum you make it about you and your happiness, rather than about concern for him or his DD. Not that your happiness is unimportant, but I think you need to be clear in your own mind about who you're wanting to help here. If you're committed to the relationship and to him, then I think an ultimatum smacks of playing games when there is work to be done. If you're no longer committed to him because of what he's put you through, then that's another matter and you should explain why and leave.

Original poster
Abi197 · 09/05/2019 15:07

Thing is, OP, as harsh as this may sound, he's not special in having lost someone. We all lose people we're close to and actually he was lucky to have a grandparent he was close to still alive when he's in his 30s. Three of my grandparents were dead by the time I was 15, the fourth died when I was 31. Like pretty much everyone, I've had significant losses in my life. This does not give us carte blanche to act like an arsehole

I feel this way too. His grandfather was 92 and terminally ill for a long time. It wasn't a tragic car accident where he was snatched away in the prime of his life. He had a wonderful long, fulfilled life and was ready to go. It was his mum's father. She has been supporting me, but she is also grieving, as is the whole of that side of the family. I have spoken to her, but she is of the mindset that she knew he would take it badly and that she would understand if I couldn't stick around. It's hard for her to take a projective view obviously.

If you are not prepared to go through with the threat then you can't issue it

I am very much worried that this may be the case, and may make it even worse! I don't know if I can leave DD. He says he still loves me, but doesn't act like he does if you know what I mean. Maybe I shall suggest that I move back to my parents for a while?

OP posts:
ukgift2016 · 09/05/2019 15:07

If he is drinking every night then if you do leave it is really important you let the mum know that. His DDs safety is the no. 1 priority.

100% this. If you have a good relationship with the mother then it is your duty to tell her what is going on. Especially if you are leaving the family home.

He has a right to grieve, but not to treat others around him like shit.

His poor daughter.

Original poster
Abi197 · 09/05/2019 15:08

Why not just make an appointment with his GP or a bereavement counsellor and then take him? If he point blank refuses to go along, how would an ultimatum help?

He will absolutely not go, I know it. He starts shouting "just leave it alone ok" if I even dare to broach the subject of counselling, let alone tell him I have interfered and booked an appointment for him. He is VERY stubborn.

OP posts:
Original poster
Abi197 · 09/05/2019 15:09

If you have a good relationship with the mother then it is your duty to tell her what is going on

She knows, she knows everything.

OP posts:
Gth1234 · 09/05/2019 15:10

A grown man's GF must have been 70 plus, yes?

Everyone knows that life comes to an end at some point, so unless it was an accident, in some ways it wouldn't have been unexpected surely. It's always hard to lose close family, but it's more natural to lose elderly relations rather than younger.

Good luck @Abi

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