AIBU to issue this ultimatum to grieving DP?

[Abi197]

I have been with my partner for 2 years, we've lived together for a year in his house. We have no children together but he has DD5 from a previous relationship that we have Fri-Mon every week.

The first 18 months of our relationship was amazing, we were always laughing and joking. I loved his sunny outlook on life and the way he always saw the good in a bad situation. We were best friends. I am very close to his DD (and her mum).

Six months ago his grandfather (who he was extremely close to) sadly died. DP was devastated, cried himself to sleep every night and became very depressed.

The first weeks after his grandfather passed, DP completely shut me out, said he would never be happy again, totally emotionless. I very much struggled with this, but gave him a lot of space to grieve. I felt pushed out and a bit useless, but tried not to show it and was there for him. I took him away on holiday, listened to him when he wanted to talk, hugged him when he cried. I leant on his mum a lot for support through this time as to how best deal with him and his reactions.

The upset however has slowly turned from devastation into anger and bitterness over the last few months. He picks at everything I say, he argues over the smallest things. He is very negative. It's like the sunshine has gone from his life. I arrange nice things for us to do together, he will either sit in silence or pick up on every negative thing. We can be in the most beautiful restaurant, in the most beautiful city, and he will pick on the snag in the napkins, or the decor that's not to his taste, or the dirty wine glass etc etc.

He picks fights over everything. He has road rage every time we go out in the car. He is arguing with our (lovely) neighbours over ridiculous minor situations that have never bothered him before. He is shouting at DD, to the point where I have to comfort her. He is really quite unpleasant to be around. We have stopped having sex.

I have spoken to him many, many times. I have begged, pleaded with him to go and get counselling. He point blank refuses and says he doesn't know how it will help.

He is now making my life a complete misery. We argue all the time. I dread going home as I know he is going to suck all the positivity out of my day. He is lazy with DD and I end up doing everything for her, which I don't mind at all as I love her to bits, but I feel sorry for her as she is missing the time with her Daddy. I appreciate that his grandfather was like a father to him, and that I don't know what I would be like if anything happened to my close family.

I am considering giving him an ultimatum and saying "either you go to counselling or I am moving out?". I think I know how this will go down which is even more worrying.

AIBU or am I being an unkind, selfish cow that needs to have more compassion?

I just know that I can't carry on as things are! I so desperately want the man I love/loved(??) back.

Have you thought about staging an intervention?

He starts shouting "just leave it alone ok" if I even dare to broach the subject of counselling Then tell him that he leaving you no alternative but to leave him alone. Be blunt, don't back off. You will have to push him beyond his current comfort zone - that will mean waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay beyond yours, I am afraid.

All the "I love you buts..." won't stop him from wallowing. You have to spell it it out for him - he isn't the only person to have lost a loved one; his current way of dealing with it is self destructive; he needs help, he should take it; he cannot continue as he is, he is pushing you away and scaring his daughter.

That his mum says what she does seems to indicate that he was brought up to be quite selfish / insular with his emotions. You might not be able to get through to him.

I’d be worried that he was going to do this every time a relative or friend dies, counselling or not. It sounds unbearable

OP - grief and depression don't give him a free pass to abuse you. Your relationship has been in the honeymoon phase and maybe the man you see now is the true person?

He is choosing to wallow in anger and alcohol. He is choosing to lash out at you. If he's like this now, how bad will he be the next time life deals him a blow?

Consider the possibility that you are seeing the real him. If you don't like what you see, you should walk away because you can't change someone who is an abuser. You will burn yourself out trying and end up a shell of the old you trying to appease him and make everything about him.

When someone shows you who they are - believe them.

Two points

First if you are going to give an ultimatum you need to be clear exactly what you want. Specifically what would he have to do in order for you to stick around because you’re going to need to particularise and be able to describe what better looks like. Otherwise 1-3-6 months down the line he may say he has made efforts but they don’t hit what you want.

Second you’ve now seen how he will treat his child. If you were thinking of having your own kids with him do you want that behaviour in their father? Because even if he turns it around now you’re now on notice has has the capacity for that unpleasantness when unhappy. And what happens when someone else dies eg his parents which could realistically happen any time. Or he loses his job or has his own health issues. Do you want to be waiting for that to happen again?

It might be that you give him the ultimatum and he lets you leave but comes back around when he's started to work through his grief properly.

All you can really do is take responsibility for you and not him. So if you're unhappy and you will actually leave then give the ultimatum because it's true, but don't use it as a bargaining tool.

It's hard for him now but he does need to take responsibility for himself and the effect he's having on his family, but you can't make him do that, you can only affect you.

Yes he needs to get help . You are not BU . Not at all
Best of luck and don’t feel bad

You’ve only been together 2 years. Pretty typical time for the real person to come out.

I think this is who he is. He’s just got a really handy excuse in the dead granddad.

Ltb.

By all means issue the ultimatum, but what if he goes to counselling and continues with this behaviour and the drinking?

Your ultimatum should be regarding how he treats you. How he manages it, it should be his problem.

I would consult intervention professionals, as a pp suggests.

Definitely a strong line needs to be drawn -- you can only hope that he then makes the right decision.

Without a proper intervention, nothing will be achieved.

I lost a sibling suddenly and unexpectedly a few years ago and I was emotionally unavailable for quite a long time to DH and a lesser extent the children, but I wasn't horrible. Honestly, he sounds very self centred. Depression and grief doesn't make you shout at your partner and 5yo or pick fights at every opportunity.

I think issuing an ultimatum is like kicking a dog when it's down. Your DP was clearly enormously close to his GF and is struggling with the anger phase of bereavement. It is normal to feel anger when bereaved but just not to project it on others or on yourself.

I think it is fine for you to move out to give him space and time to grieve in whatever way he does but I don't think giving leaving him as an ultimatum will have the effect you desire. He isn't going to suddenly be able to turn off his grief and anger, no matter how much he loves you. His grief may even mean that other relationships pale into total insignificance right now so he may just be fine for you to leave.

He does need help. As a PP said I think you shouldn't threaten but rather tell him that, although he is struggling, you are struggling too and don't know what to do to help him. Explain that his anger and drinking is upsetting and that, although he cannot see what good counselling will do, it is worth trying anything to help him come to terms with his GF's death.

6 months is relatively soon after a death though so If you really don't feel you can be supportive through his loss and (bad) behaviour then you may have to walk away.

To PPs who have referred to expecting people who are elderly to die, yes, dying is part of life that we need to accept but, to me, the older your relative is just means that you have loved them for longer so the loss can actually be even greater.

Maybe I shall suggest that I move back to my parents for a while?

Yes why not let your ultimatum be that you will move out temporarily until he gets some help or something changes. I don't think you should specify counselling let him decide what will help him but make it clear you won't be moving back until he does something. Its less permanent than leaving him completely

Hey OP I wanted to post as I have been through something very similar with DH losing his dad (who he hero worshiped) and his grandad within months of each other. We also had the birth of an unplanned baby within a week of his dad’s funeral. I had a breakdown and was both physically and emotionally unwell for sometime. It was hell.

Like your DP, he shut me out from the process at first. I wasn’t able to go to the funeral because I was about to drop and the drive was over 100 miles each way.

DH became moody and irritable with the children, kept taking time off work, snappy and disinterested.

After 12 months I gave him an ultimatum. I went to stay with friends for 3 days and told him he needed to sort it out or I’d start divorce proceedings. I meant it too.

He immediately went to the docs and got medication and he received some excellent, specialised bereavement counselling (free btw) from The National Bereavement Counselling service. They have been amazing and he has completely turned around.

HOWEVER, he really wanted to change and was determined to get better. Nobody can change unless they are willing to seek help.

YANBU to issue an ultimatum but be prepared you may not get the desired outcome.

Best of luck. It’s tough

If you know he will not get help, and nothing on earth will get him there, then you have no choose but to issue the ultimatum and mean it.

Ensure you have everything in order, financially and possible places to live.

We all go through grief, but that does give anyone carte blanche to hurt others.

What you are describing is an abusive relationship with an alcoholic, whatever has triggered this chain reaction you should not have to live like this any longer.

He needs help, and he needs help to see that what he's doing.

I agree that I don't think an ultimatum will help - it'll just give him grounds to dig his heels in even more.

If you want to try and salvage the relationship, I would give him more time - six months is not enough to deal with grief, and he seems to be very badly stuck.

But I would tell him very clearly that he needs to get help. And meanwhile, essentially lead a separate life. Take care of his daughter and do fun things with her,, but ignore him when he is being unbearable.

Stop organising things. Stop going out with him. Do things with the child, and just ignore him when he picks at things. Every single time, give him a calm, reasonable answer. And then go and do something else. If he insists, tell him that you are very sorry about his loss, but he needs to see someone professionally do deal with his mourning, and you are not putting up with his bollocks meanwhile.

I nearly laughed out loud when you said your DP finds fault with things even when in a beautiful restaurant in a beautiful city. It's as if you are saying he should feel better even at this fairly early stage because you are in nice surroundings. Material things often lose meaning for a good while when you are bereaved.

It sounds like GP is an excuse. This may be the real man.

It sounds like GP is an excuse. This may be the real man.

This man has recently lost his father figure. Grief does very odd things to people.

How bad is his parenting? If you don’t want a final ultimatum you could consider reporting him to social services (if there are grounds) as a less final ultimatum? Or as you say moving out for a while. And visiting dd but not him.

It’s interesting that you mention his heavy drinking OP.

My mum was an alcoholic and she used to overreact massively when somebody died. Because it was an excuse to drink.

My elderly and very sick grandad (my mum’s FIL) died. Hit the bottle.

Our elderly and very sick next door neighbour died. Hit the bottle.

A friend of the family’s sister died tragically while abroad. Hit the bottle.

Each time she was the most grief-stricken, the most depressed, and it was all a massive excuse to keep drinking.

You’ve only been together two years. I think this is his true colours starting to come through.

six months is not enough to deal with grief

Hmmm. It's not six weeks. Six months should be more than enough, at least to move forward from the anger phase. Something is very wrong here.

Even so, most people don't react like this to a relative's death. Even parents.
It seems more like he felt allowed to be a prick given that people were tiptoeing around him.

Time to stop being sympathetic, and get tough. Tell him to go and get himself some help for his depression or its over. Have you told him how miserable he is making everyone around him?

What does DD's mother propose doing?

Does DH have custody of DD, or is it shared? Is there any reason DD can't spend more time with her Mum and less with DH?

You should give him the ultimatum OP, but you must follow through with it if he refuses counselling, which sounds likely.

I lost my sibling in terribly tragic circumstances and he was only 25. I am beyond devastated, but I don't get to treat my husband badly and make him miserable as a result. Grief affects us all in life, and he needs to find a way of coping and recovering.

Good luck - it might take him the shock of losing you to force him to make changes. Or he might decide not to make changes, but either way, you can't spend your life tied to someone who will not help themselves and will make you truly truly miserable. You only have one life - live it in happiness, not sadness and worry.