AIBU to issue this ultimatum to grieving DP?

[Abi197]

I have been with my partner for 2 years, we've lived together for a year in his house. We have no children together but he has DD5 from a previous relationship that we have Fri-Mon every week.

The first 18 months of our relationship was amazing, we were always laughing and joking. I loved his sunny outlook on life and the way he always saw the good in a bad situation. We were best friends. I am very close to his DD (and her mum).

Six months ago his grandfather (who he was extremely close to) sadly died. DP was devastated, cried himself to sleep every night and became very depressed.

The first weeks after his grandfather passed, DP completely shut me out, said he would never be happy again, totally emotionless. I very much struggled with this, but gave him a lot of space to grieve. I felt pushed out and a bit useless, but tried not to show it and was there for him. I took him away on holiday, listened to him when he wanted to talk, hugged him when he cried. I leant on his mum a lot for support through this time as to how best deal with him and his reactions.

The upset however has slowly turned from devastation into anger and bitterness over the last few months. He picks at everything I say, he argues over the smallest things. He is very negative. It's like the sunshine has gone from his life. I arrange nice things for us to do together, he will either sit in silence or pick up on every negative thing. We can be in the most beautiful restaurant, in the most beautiful city, and he will pick on the snag in the napkins, or the decor that's not to his taste, or the dirty wine glass etc etc.

He picks fights over everything. He has road rage every time we go out in the car. He is arguing with our (lovely) neighbours over ridiculous minor situations that have never bothered him before. He is shouting at DD, to the point where I have to comfort her. He is really quite unpleasant to be around. We have stopped having sex.

I have spoken to him many, many times. I have begged, pleaded with him to go and get counselling. He point blank refuses and says he doesn't know how it will help.

He is now making my life a complete misery. We argue all the time. I dread going home as I know he is going to suck all the positivity out of my day. He is lazy with DD and I end up doing everything for her, which I don't mind at all as I love her to bits, but I feel sorry for her as she is missing the time with her Daddy. I appreciate that his grandfather was like a father to him, and that I don't know what I would be like if anything happened to my close family.

I am considering giving him an ultimatum and saying "either you go to counselling or I am moving out?". I think I know how this will go down which is even more worrying.

AIBU or am I being an unkind, selfish cow that needs to have more compassion?

I just know that I can't carry on as things are! I so desperately want the man I love/loved(??) back.

Daft as it sounds, in a way I can understand how the death of a 92 year old can still come as an awful shock. When someone you love is always around, you get into a mindset when you can't imagine that not continuing, even though intellectually you know that obviously it won't. It's to do with the fact that that person has been in your life for as long as you remember, in the case of parents and grandparents. My mother died at 94, had all her marbles to the end and was relatively fit physically. Of course I knew she could die at any time, and indeed we talked about the arrangements she had made, but when she finally did it was still a dreadful shock.

Would his ex allow you to see their daughter after a break up?

Have you thought about staging an intervention?

I'm not entirely sure what this would involve?

That his mum says what she does seems to indicate that he was brought up to be quite selfish / insular with his emotions. You might not be able to get through to him.

This is definitely true. He is definitely a mummy's boy (not that I think that is a very nice phrase, but she makes a lot of allowances for his poor behaviour).

I’d be worried that he was going to do this every time a relative or friend dies, counselling or not.

If you were thinking of having your own kids with him do you want that behaviour in their father? Because even if he turns it around now you’re now on notice has has the capacity for that unpleasantness when unhappy. And what happens when someone else dies eg his parents which could realistically happen any time. Or he loses his job or has his own health issues. Do you want to be waiting for that to happen again?

Well exactly this really. What happens when his DM dies? Or his DF? Or his DB? I am scared that will completely push him over the edge. As for children of our own, it's something that I definitely do want however at the moment it's the furthest thing from my mind.

It sounds like GP is an excuse. This may be the real man.

It's definitely not an excuse, he has literally turned into a different person since the day it happened.

Six months should be more than enough, at least to move forward from the anger phase.

I'm of this opinion too, it just seems to be getting worse not better! At first the upset I could deal with, but this anger and bitterness phase just doesn't seem to be shifting.

As an aside can I say how nice it is to read about the great relationship you have with your DSD and her mother. We lose sight on here sometimes that step families aren't always all about "wicked" step mothers and "crazy" ex wives

Thanks, DD is a little star and I get on well with her mum. I think it helps that her relationship with DP just fizzled out and they ended on good terms so when I came along there was no need for there to be any bad feeling. I tend to make all the arrangements when it comes to DD so I am in contact with her quite a lot.

Have you heard of a sunk cost fallacy? It's where you believe you've invested so much that you should keep going and invest even more in an attempt to make everything work. I think this is what you're doing now.

I'm going to google this, I can definitely relate to this.

I've tried to reply to as much as I can, sorry if I have missed any but I have read every single one of your replies.

DD is not at "risk" and he certainly doesn't abuse her, he is just overly snappy and shouty with her which isn't acceptable. I do protect her from this however and let her know that Daddy is going through a terrible time with the loss of DGF and that it isn't her fault etc. We have quite a lot of arguments based around this as you can imagine!

I am not about to suggest that DD's mum stop her visits, or suggest contact centres or court orders etc. I don't see how this will help at all, in fact is more likely to fuel the fire.

I think I am going to suggest that I move back to my mum's. I have to pick DD up from school today and have her for the weekend, but I think once she has gone back to her mum on Monday I will broach the subject with him. At the end of the day it is his daughter so he will have to sort out arrangements with his ex, rather than me doing it, if he wants to see DD.

Unfortunately I feel this may get worse before (or if!!!) it gets better!

As you are strongly considering it I think I'd say to him today "DP after we drop DD back to her mum on Monday I think it's best if I move into my mums". This might sound mean but coming out of the blue like that, as a decision you've made, it might shock him and focus his mind more than an ultimatum that you suspect will just cause him to dig his heels in.

You'd have to imagine he'll ask why which gives you the chance to say that you don't see how the two of you can carry on like this. At least it should allow for a conversation and you can suggest counseling as part of that. I'd imagine it's a conversation that would be on his mind over the weekend, a sort of "ultimatum" without the do this or else. Of course, he could just shrug his shoulders and tell you to do it in which case you at least know that he's not willing to try so you're not wrong to go.

I'm sorry but in the nicest way possible he needs to get a grip. Losing a grandparent in your 30's is to be expected no matter how close you were. It's the natural order of life and to be like this is very dysfunctional he needs to realise this and seek help for everyone's sake

• @YouJustDoYou He is also drinking heavily every night* I think that, with this addition, you need to move back to your mum's at least temporarily.

The nightly heavy drinking, plus his anger and unhappiness is not safe for his daughter and not for you. You say he's not abusing her but being constantly snappy and shouting isn't good for her either.

Make sure you take all your things with you (store what won't fit in at your mum's/your temporary new place) in case you don't come back, etc.

Speak to him and say that, until he is prepared to get himself some effective, professional help, that you can't stay with him. And mean it: follow through.

You can try and support him emotionally but, in the end, the recognition that he needs professional help and support - and the hard work which comes with that - needs to come from him.

Regarding his daughter: as it sounds you have a good relationship with her mother do you think she allow you to spend time with her?

You're in a tough place but you can't help him if he refuses to acknowledge he needs help. Good luck OP. 🌹

When you’re in a relationship the first 18 months to 2 years is very different from what happens when the honeymoon phase of a relationship is over. I don’t personally believe you can blame all of his behaviour change on his grandfathers passing.

I would say you definitely need to leave the relationship though, if his character is changing he will need help with how he is feeling but it’s really important he does that alone. A quarter of your relationship with him has been miserable and by the sounds of it I don’t think it’ll ever go back to how it was before.
It’s too early into a relationship to forgive and move on, definitely.

It's definitely not an excuse, he has literally turned into a different person since the day it happened.

An excuse in the sense that he felt allowed to be nasty because people felt sorry for him and didn't challenge him.

I am a great believer in giving people licence to be themselves until we can see what they are truly like.

Don't let anyone try to guilt you into staying with him and allowing him to continue with this shitty behaviour. Bereavement is not a free pass to abuse those close to you. If he acted like this to work colleagues his employer would start disciplinary procedures and he would be obliged to make some effort or lose his job.

I think you're barking up the wrong avenue with the grief. It's the drink making him behave like this. It may have started after the bereavement, but it's the drink now causing the issue.

You can't carry on like this, and sadly if the drinking has really taken hold, it's never going to get better. Walk away and save your own sanity.

You can't cure him, or control this and you'd be a fool to try. Look after yourself

My DP’s Grandma died a year ago and he was also very close to her, lived with her until we moved in together and she helped raise him. He hasn’t turned into a mindlessly selfish pig as a result. I appreciate everyone grieve differently but there’s never ever an excuse to be an absolute arsehole to the people you love, especially your own children.

You sound absolutely lovely OP and you have truly bent over backwards to try and help him. I may sound horrible here but losing a very elderly Grandparent in your 30s is wildly different to losing a fairly young parent as my best friend did recently. He needs to get some help urgently and stop pushing you and his poor DD away.

Yes, the way he was in the first part of your relationship may have only been one side to him. He has been crappy to you and his DD for a long time now.

I've lost all four of my grandparents over the last year and a half, been really struggling with it but in your situation I would also issue the ultimatum.

Him grieving is no excuse for treating you like this.