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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a 5th child

679 replies

Flowerflow · 09/05/2019 12:50

I have 4 children ages 13, 9, 8 and 4 (5 in a few days), recently DP and I have been discussing have another child, he completely up for it but I'm still a little unsure. I have a few concerns like we currently live in a 4 bedroom house, oldest two share and youngest two have their own bedrooms. 8 year old is the only boy and if were to have another boy they would probably share but there would be a big age gap and DS wouldn't be impressed. That or we move to a bigger house which we might not be able to afford where we currently but would be able to if we move slightly further away. Another concern would be there'll be 5/6 between them and our current youngest so new baby might feel left out or the odd one out although not all our children are very close in age. I'm also unsure about going through pregnancy again, I've never really enjoyed it, baby, toddler stage and so I'll happily go through again but pregnancy I'm willing to go through not exactly happily though. On the other hand I'd love to have a fifth child and these concerns and problems can be worked through

OP posts:
CleopatrasMum · 09/05/2019 13:34

Putting aside the environmental issues, which are absolutely valid, but have been covered by PPs, you say you enjoy the baby and toddler stages. But, to be honest, that is not a good enough reason to have a fifth child - those stages last 3/4 years - are you then going to want a 6th? A 7th? There are people, some on TV, whose love of those stages has led them to have 20 or more children. The children though are less happy about it - reach 4 years old (if you are lucky) and you are immediately supplanted and effectively handed over to your older siblings.

You have 4 children already - enjoy them, concentrate on them, and focus on all the stages, not just the early years. Your 13 year old probably needs your focus more than ever.

By the way, I would generally take the view that other people's family planning decisions are none of my business, so I would probably not say any of this to her face or anyone else's, but the OP has asked...

PCohle · 09/05/2019 13:34

Enjoying the baby and toddler stage won't be a great reason for very long. How will you feel about having 5 teenagers?

Blondequeenie · 09/05/2019 13:34

@Flowerflow

I do not think you are going to get the answers you need here sorry as most people are giving their own very biased opinions which are not based on you or your family.

Bringing life into this earth is one of the most amazing, blessed things you can do and as a women you were made to do just that. Yes there are practical issues but I have the firm believe that the more children there are, the closer they will all become. I also do not think that children should have their own rooms, they are children and how are they supposed to bond to grow up to love each other if they have their own room. I understand boy or girls needing their own room by a certain age (16) and that boys and girls of that age cannot share but this should not be your major concern with getting pregnant again.

You should be asking yourself, all logistics aside, do you want 5 children? Is that something you set out for when you started your family? All you can do is make this decision with your husband as it should be based on your own internal needs and not the believes of mumsnetters!

Original poster
Flowerflow · 09/05/2019 13:35

It's not that I only like babies and toddlers, I'd love them just as much as older children, teenagers and adults. I was only mentioning that because people had said they wouldn't want to go through those stages again and that isn't the case for me

OP posts:
WeCameToDance · 09/05/2019 13:36

Op I can't believe some of these responses. I'm not saying environmental factors aren't important but there's a time and a place. Before anyone jumps on me I recycle, limit use of a tumble dryer etc etc.
I would repost this in the larger families topic. You might get some more reasoned responses there.

HBStowe · 09/05/2019 13:36

Actually, would be very worth considering adoption OP. Not saying it would be easy or that you would be first in line for a baby given that you’ve already had 4, but if you are adamant you want another child it would be a way of doing so that was genuinely unselfish - no environmental impact on your conscience because the child exists regardless, and giving a loving home to a kid who needs it. If you have a really insatiable longing for a fifth, that would be the responsible way to do it.

Tinkobell · 09/05/2019 13:37

My DC's are 16 and 18. Parenthood for us now has changed gear into a mentoring type role: how to manage money/budgeting, how to write a job CV, how to talk to adults maturely, how to eat a nutritional diet, how to manage my own medical needs / mental health, drugs risk, contraception etc... .all of these things are massively time consuming to me as a parent, but utterly invaluable to helping my DC's move on in life as young adults. My concern if chuck a new baby is thrown into the mix at this stage, as that the baby/youngster will quite naturally absorb all of the available bandwidth and your older DC's will not get a look-in at a vital point in their lives. I think you'd be selfish to do this OP.

funinthesun19 · 09/05/2019 13:37

2 children each replace their mother and father. People who have more than 2 really are adding to overpopulation.

Meh. I have 4 children. We all make different choices but there is no right choice. I really can’t take anyone seriously who calls me for having 4 when we’re all doing our bit to destroy the planet no matter how careful we all are. The modern world is destroying it, and if you’re part of that then you are destroying it too.

czechitout · 09/05/2019 13:39

I also second the idea to consider adoption.

HBStowe · 09/05/2019 13:39

I would repost this in the larger families topic. You might get some more reasoned responses there.

You mean she might get more biased responses...!

When is the time and place for making these points if not when the OP has specifically asked for advice...?

Waspnest · 09/05/2019 13:40

Yes RattyTat I think when people say it's only one more they're forgetting about grandchildren. In the OP's case if she has 5 children and they only have 2 to replace themselves the OP has been partially responsible for an extra 15 people within 20-30 years. If they choose to have 5 each heaven help us (I think that maths is right).

MagicKingdomDizzy · 09/05/2019 13:40

funinthesun19

Meh. I have 4 children

Yes I figured as much, given your responses.

Figgygal · 09/05/2019 13:41

Oh yes let the kids decide whether another child is a good idea - they have no comprehension of what their lives could be like without each other but you you have demonstrated yourself the difficulties re: housing a family that size. How would you pay for another child? do you work now?

Environment issues are very relevant for all of us whether we having 1, 2 or 5 kids and should be a factor we consider if we give a shit about the quality of life for those children and maybe even their children.

at 34 you likely haven't never known anything other than child rearing there is a massive world out there away from our children why not let the current children grow to independence and experience some of it.

kenandbarbie · 09/05/2019 13:41

It's a personal decision. Yes the child will have less one on one attention from parents and less money for after school activities holidays etc. But to balance that out they'll have the benefit of a lovely big family of people to spend time with and more people to love each other.

I think the environmental argument is false as birth rates are declining in the UK. Many people have only one child or choose to go childless or can't have children. A higher rate than two per couple is needed to maintain the status quo. Also, a new generation is need to work and care for the aging population. The worrying population growth is happening in developing counties.

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/05/2019 13:42

You have FOUR children and you want another one...madness! Dont do it

PCohle · 09/05/2019 13:42

I do think it's disingenuous to claim to care about the environment and then have four or five kids. The environmental impact of an additional human being v a bit of recycling is laughable.

“A US family who chooses to have one fewer child would provide the same level of emissions reductions as 684 teenagers who choose to adopt comprehensive recyclingg^ for the rest of their lives,”

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/environment/children-carbon-footprint-climate-change-damage-having-kids-research-a7837961.html%3famp

Tinkobell · 09/05/2019 13:43

To me your opening thread seems more preoccupied with the practical issues of sleeping spaces etc rather than any lasting impact on your other DC's. what happens when someone's trying to study for GCSE's and there's a shrieking toddler keeping them awake all night?
I'm of the view that life for older kids is bloody complex - internet etc...and problems are not dead apparent - often they need patience and teasing out. That needs your time as a parent.

Hollyhobbi · 09/05/2019 13:43

Ah, it's your age then op. Biological clock ticking. I had my second and last child at 34. Can you afford the teenage and college years, if your children want to go on to further education? Kids get more expensive the older they get!!

RattyTat · 09/05/2019 13:43

We do need to think on a global scale though, not a national one. This is an issue affecting the whole planet.

MyFamilyAndOtherAnimals1 · 09/05/2019 13:43

I think that it's pretty mean & selfish to the children that you have, to have another child.

Enjoy the children you have.

Think of the financial, environmental, spacial, and time burden it would bring on you and your existing family.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 09/05/2019 13:44

I don't get the impression that you particularly want another child and given that you already have four, I'd focus on them instead. You shouldn't have another baby to please your DH - you've had four already! Plus, you sound as if you'd like to build your career over the next few years and a baby will be an additional responsibility.

I personally think our overpopulation fears are exaggerated, as world fertility patterns are decreasing. The UN's Population Division's data show that fertility patterns for the world as a whole fell from
around 5 live births per woman in 1950-1955 to 2.5 births in
2010-2015. Even in countries that still have high fertility rates, they're
declining. The real issue is that we're living longer and consuming more resources - focusing on reducing our environmental impact is the real priority.

The80sweregreat · 09/05/2019 13:44

A lot of people do prefer babies and toddlers, but they do grow up and then you end up with more teenagers/ young adults around the place which can be even more stressful. Children also leave home a lot later these days so there would be 7 of you for many years to come.
Uni fees are a huge amount too - what you give one you cant take away from another -m its way into the future, but its all extra costs to think about if they want to go.
its all factors to think about as well as the logistics such as moving now for a bigger place or who would end up sharing with who.
The environment argument cant be ignored, although there are enough people without children to counter balance your fifth one, even if that is a bit of a flawed way of thinking about it! I have two children and I didnt consider the impact on the planet in the 1990s so it hard for me to say too much about that without being a hypocrite.
We couldn't afford another child anyway.
I wouldn't consider it at all, four is a big family for you to concentrate on as it is. You must be busy with just keeping those children happy and well fed not to mention all the other things that come with having children.

rebecca102 · 09/05/2019 13:45

Do whatever you like OP Grin

TheGoddessFrigg · 09/05/2019 13:45

Bringing life into this earth is one of the most amazing, blessed things you can do and as a women you were made to do just that

Blimey. There are other things women can do, you know ....

Tinkobell · 09/05/2019 13:46

If your life is epitomised as being like the "Darling Buds of May" / there's enough love to go round and you have infinite cash and time resources - then you go for it. But I don't know anyone whose life it actually like that at all.