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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed I’m a bridesmaid without the title or the dress?

110 replies

ConkerGame · 08/05/2019 17:31

Please tell me if IABU - I want to be supportive of my friend but I’m feeling quite annoyed about the situation and would prefer to be ok with it if possible!

One of my closest, oldest friends is getting married this autumn. I love both her and her fiancé and am very happy for them and excited for their wedding.

My friend announced straight away after they got engaged that she wasn’t going to have bridesmaids as she wasn’t having a completely traditional wedding. Fair enough.

However, she has got me and her other best friend from uni basically fulfilling the roles of a bridesmaid but without any of the benefits! I am happy to do some of them (e.g. go dress shopping with her, as I enjoy shopping anyway) but some other stuff is more irritating - e.g. planning the hen, which takes quite a bit of time and effort (although it is just one day in our town tbf, not a weekend abroad or anything), spending the night before and morning of the wedding with her to help her get ready (and therefore not with my partner).

I feel silly on the one hand as I’d be happy to do these things if I was a bridesmaid, as then at least you get the recognition, the dress, the make up and hair etc, but because I’m not getting any of that, I’m finding I’m resenting the time spent on it! Is that awful of me? Am I a terrible friend? And if not, what can I really do about it?! We are in our early thirties so I would feel a bit pathetic saying I’m annoyed I don’t get to walk down the aisle with her! And I do know it’s her day and isn’t about me.

So as not to drip feed, I know she doesn’t enjoy being a bridesmaid and wouldn’t be upset if I didn’t have her.

Please talk some sense into me!

OP posts:
Finfintytint · 08/05/2019 17:36

Can’t you do all or some of the things she’d like because she’s your friend? Does anyone really get recognition for being a bridesmaid? Do you get an invitation to Buck House or something?
Just enjoy the wedding !

ZaZathecat · 08/05/2019 17:41

So many bridesmaids hate the dresses they have to wear - you should be relieved! Grin

ghostyslovesheets · 08/05/2019 17:41

jesus just do these things because she is your friend and you love her? or don't fucking bother because you don't have an official title - up to you

ElspethFlashman · 08/05/2019 17:41

Tbh you are being unreasonable. And a kinda shitty friend, sorry.

My sister declared she wasnt having a BM. She wanted me to just be a witness instead. Cos she hated all that silly satin dress-updo stuff. I was pretty relieved tbh as I don't much like being on display and whenever I was a BM I felt awkward and a bit embarrassed and would much rather have been a guest.

But I still helped her with the Hen! I still helped her get ready in the morning! I stayed up late with her the night before drinking champagne!

That's what friends do! It's called being her support system. She can't do all that stuff alone.

And it seems petty to effectively say "I'll be your support system but only if I get to be one of the stars of the show"

FlyingMonkeys · 08/05/2019 17:42

In fairness you could have the dress, hair, makeup, hen weekend abroad and find yourself paying a fortune for the privilege.

anonforthespies43267 · 08/05/2019 17:47

Definitely being unreasonable and a shitty friend. You should want to help with these things to make your friends life easier and it hardly sounds like any of the things you need to do are very time consuming or difficult. It could be worse, you could be an official bridesmaid, have to do all that stuff and pay for your own dress, hair & make up too...

Fredscheesethins · 08/05/2019 17:49

Are there really any benefits of being a bridesmaid? Just enjoy being able to wear what you want whilst sharing your friend's special day. Sounds like a win win situation to me, as you can easily pull out of the bits you don't want to get involved in.

PrincessScarlett · 08/05/2019 17:50

YABU. She's your friend, you should want to help her out without a reward. Why do you resent this so much?

FarTooMuchWashing · 08/05/2019 17:51

I did all that (and a reading at the service so need to wear a nice frock) for my sister at her second wedding where she had no bridesmaids and I was delighted to be involved. And the best bit, marriage no.2 has proved to be much more successful than her first.

I also did the hen do organising, sorting out the cake and table decorations on the morning of the wedding, and a reading at the service for a friend who had two young relatives as bridesmaids at her wedding.
It's the sort of thing you do for a friend. What's the problem.
I get it if it's that you would like to be a bridesmaid at least once, but other than that, isn't it lovely that she trusts you to help her on such an important day?

EleanorLavish · 08/05/2019 17:52

I know you don't mean to be like this OP, but your post could not be more 'all about me' if you tried!
She is your bf! Surely you want to help her?

QueenofallIsee · 08/05/2019 17:52

I kind of get it OP, you feel a bit ‘unsung hero’ but she is your best mate, it’s not as though you are over looked as a BM or as a friend....try to focus on your lovely mate getting married and the joy of that occasion

ILoveMaxiBondi · 08/05/2019 17:53

Christ I would be so relieved if my best friend said “I want you to be my bridesmaid but you don’t have to wear a dress or wear your hair a certain way or dance with the best man or pose for ridiculous photos”

I’d give her the best hen do ever for being such a considerate bride! Grin

Birdshitbridgegotme · 08/05/2019 17:53

I think yabu. If u really are as happy as u say u would want to do it.its not like shes having bridesmaids but you aren't one and expected to do that stuff. She just wants a little help from her two closest friends nothing wrong with that.
Help her and then enjoy the wedding

Cannyhandleit · 08/05/2019 17:54

She's your friend and you love her but it's a chore to organise a night out in your town?? It doesn't sound like she is making unreasonable demands just asking you to be one of her best friends and share in her special day!

Noodledoodledoo · 08/05/2019 17:54

I did this for 2 friends, wasn't bridesmaid for either but organised 2 Hen parties each, running people and things around on the day of the wedding, sorting the venue out on the morning of one of them as they had laid all the tables wrongly which would have caused huge ructions as the seating plan had been planned with careful precision to keep certain people apart. I wrote in caligraphy a set of invites.

I wasn't bridesmaid for either and neither made it dress shopping with me 8 years later or did anything to help my sister out plan my hen night.

Both had bridesmaids!!

I wasn't annoyed at the time, irritated they did little for me when it was my turn, but I didn't ask them to be bridesmaids so .......

Popc0rn · 08/05/2019 17:55

"spending the night before and morning of the wedding with her to help her get ready (and therefore not with my partner)."

...is it really irritating you that you won't spend less than 24 hours with your partner because you'll be supporting one of "your closest and oldest friends" on her wedding day?! Hmm

It's one day.

sfb182 · 08/05/2019 17:56

I can see your point, although it depends if you would actually want to do those things anyway, just because you’re her friend. I did not want BMs at my wedding, but also did not ask any of my friends for help as I wanted them to enjoy the day with their partners and friends. It does seem a bit odd for her to say she doesn’t want bridesmaids, but wants the things that they provide. Having been a bridesmaid I’d say it’s not so much about not having a ‘title’ but being effectively on call all day and for a lot of the wedding build up. There’s a lot of work involved! So is she enough of a friend that you would want to do this with her/for her regardless?

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 08/05/2019 17:56

Jesus wept. I met my now best friend a year before she married. We got alot close near her wedding. She had some bridesmaids. I wasnt one, since I didnt know her when she had arranged it.

I still helped her organise things with the venue, helped with the hen do, sorted running her kids to the venue, was there in the morning helping her get ready, helped organise the bridesmaids for photos, took the kids for their photos and ran interference for her with the slightly over baring relatives that were stressing her out.

Because she was my friend and I care about her. Didnt bother me at all and there were bridesmaids there, that werent as good as friends as we were (but known her longer) and most of them didnt really do anything.

Leeds2 · 08/05/2019 17:56

If it is a bridesmaid's present you want, I am sure she will get you one anyway.

Pardonwhat · 08/05/2019 17:57

YABU but I think you know that. Truth be told I’d be feeling little bit miffed too!

lalaloopyhead · 08/05/2019 17:58

I didn't have any adult bridesmaids, just my 2 (small, at the time) dd's. My best friend did loads of stuff for me, including organise hen, dress hunting, flowers and all sorts. I am fairly sure that she did it because she loves me and wanted to be part of the day. She is getting married next year and I will happily do the same for her. So I think yab a bit u for not wanting to do this stuff anyway.

lalaloopyhead · 08/05/2019 17:59

I did buy gifts/flowers to show my appreciation for all that helped me btw

Bellatrix14 · 08/05/2019 18:00

I don’t think you’re being entirely unreasonable, actually. I think she should be planning her own hen do unless you volunteered to do it for her, which it doesn’t sound like you did. I guess the key thing is, if you said to her that you wanted to have a more relaxed morning getting ready with your partner instead of getting ready with her, would she be offended? I think if she’d understand that then she’d obviously just like your company, and as a friend it would be nice to support her on her wedding day. If you think she’d be funny about it then yes, she is basically expecting bridesmaid duties from you but just not giving you any of the perks. I would feel very uncomfortable asking my friends to do all of that if I’d chosen not to have any bridesmaids and I’d wait for them to offer instead. Is she paying for the hotel she’s asking you to stay in?

If it’s any consolation, being bought a bridesmaids dress isn’t as exciting as you imagine. Mine is beautiful but I won’t ever wear it again so it’s just sat in my wardrobe...

Singlenotsingle · 08/05/2019 18:00

Bridesmaids can pay a fortune for their dresses and trimmings.

Wonkybanana · 08/05/2019 18:01

Is she asking you to do these things, or suggesting, or demanding?
Makes a difference.

What does she mean by not a traditional wedding? Would bridesmaids be totally inappropriate? Or is she wanting all the trappings of a traditional wedding but making sure there's no-one else even well off centre stage/without putting her hand in her pocket?