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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed I’m a bridesmaid without the title or the dress?

110 replies

ConkerGame · 08/05/2019 17:31

Please tell me if IABU - I want to be supportive of my friend but I’m feeling quite annoyed about the situation and would prefer to be ok with it if possible!

One of my closest, oldest friends is getting married this autumn. I love both her and her fiancé and am very happy for them and excited for their wedding.

My friend announced straight away after they got engaged that she wasn’t going to have bridesmaids as she wasn’t having a completely traditional wedding. Fair enough.

However, she has got me and her other best friend from uni basically fulfilling the roles of a bridesmaid but without any of the benefits! I am happy to do some of them (e.g. go dress shopping with her, as I enjoy shopping anyway) but some other stuff is more irritating - e.g. planning the hen, which takes quite a bit of time and effort (although it is just one day in our town tbf, not a weekend abroad or anything), spending the night before and morning of the wedding with her to help her get ready (and therefore not with my partner).

I feel silly on the one hand as I’d be happy to do these things if I was a bridesmaid, as then at least you get the recognition, the dress, the make up and hair etc, but because I’m not getting any of that, I’m finding I’m resenting the time spent on it! Is that awful of me? Am I a terrible friend? And if not, what can I really do about it?! We are in our early thirties so I would feel a bit pathetic saying I’m annoyed I don’t get to walk down the aisle with her! And I do know it’s her day and isn’t about me.

So as not to drip feed, I know she doesn’t enjoy being a bridesmaid and wouldn’t be upset if I didn’t have her.

Please talk some sense into me!

OP posts:
BitchyArriver · 08/05/2019 18:51

Exactly how difficult would it be for this women to buy you a bunch of flowers and honour you by having you walk in front of her. You don’t need matching dresses, hair, eyebrows etc. Just to honour your friend and thank her for supporting you.

TorchesTorches · 08/05/2019 19:04

My friend announced years ago that she wouldn't have bridesmaids. For her wedding i organised the hen do, bought a dress in the colours she advised. Still not a bridesmaid. Then on the wedding day, the photographer said 'now a picture with the bridesmaids and my friend said ' over here Torches ' so that's how i found out i actually was a bridesmaid! Maybe you will discover that you are one on the day!

CupOhTea · 08/05/2019 19:07

My exsil asked my sister, a friend and me to be bridesmaid and then unasked us as she wasn't going to bother having them. Fair enough thought we.

On the day, her two sisters in matching dresses walked up the aisle behind her, but they kept saying they weren't bridesmaids 😂😂😂.

It was hilarious.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 08/05/2019 19:15

Her requests - to go on a hen do, and help her get ready - don't really sound incredibly arduous to me tbh

I think you're being a bit miserablist

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 08/05/2019 19:16

you can still get dressed up to the nines and look fabulous in an outfit of your choosing

Ineedaweeinpeace · 08/05/2019 19:18

My friend had her 3 dc as bridesmaids.

I happily planned the hen, helped do the decs, attended the dress shop and fitting after etc etc Because I love her and this is all about her and her partner. Also it’s what friends do.

jay55 · 08/05/2019 19:25

I think organising a hen do should not be something you ask someone to do, take someone up on an offer, sure, but asking someone to throw you a party, is crass. Especially if it takes a lot of time.

BettysLeftTentacle · 08/05/2019 19:36

But I think she would know that I enjoy the getting dressed up bit and all the photos etc as she does know me very well!

It’s not about you though is it. To be honest, I think you should bow out. You’re not doing things for the right reasons and I’d be pretty devastated if my closest friend had an attitude like this towards me and my wedding.

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 08/05/2019 19:37

I think you are totally winning at life here. You get to spend time with your BFF and do the fun stuff like the Hen (and you can always just say no to any bits that are too arduous), but without having to wear a hideous frock, fork out for hair and makeup or attend fittings.

Wasywasydoodah · 08/05/2019 19:44

I did a reading and made a cake for my friend’s wedding. Helped organise a hen do and generally cooed over things. Would have done more if she’d wanted. It’s called being a friend.

beeyourself · 08/05/2019 20:20

Wow - I did all this for my friend's wedding, I loved getting involved and being part of it. It made no difference at all to me that I wasn't a bridesmaid - in fact it took the pressure off.

burnoutbabe · 08/05/2019 20:25

I get it. Bridesmaids are publicly thanked for their efforts at the wedding and you probably won't be. But you are being told to do stuff (rather than offering as you want to)
Why can't you have the title (or even chief helper). Doesn't mean you have to wear a formal dress or walk down aisle in front of her. Just recognition that you are a best mate and helping her.

ToCallHerOut · 08/05/2019 20:28

You're definitely being unreasonable and not a very good friend! If you were, you would naturally want to do all those things for and with your friend.

Marlena1 · 08/05/2019 20:28

I think the bride is actually the one who is a terrible friend if she knows you wpuld like getting dressed up etc and she is just giving you the organising to do. Some people may not like getting dressed up etc but the OP does. It's not about other people going all out and expecting nothing in return, it's about the OP feeling undervalued.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 08/05/2019 20:30

but how much "help" is it really?
organising a bit of a night out and staying over for moral support/fun the night before the wedding?
it's more "just showing a bit of interest"

Butterymuffin · 08/05/2019 20:52

I get it OP. Spend some time working out what your boundaries are going to be, how much time you're willing to put in, what's fine to do and what you really don't want to do. Then keep to that and say you're not all to do other things but you're really looking forward to X... The beauty of not being an official bridesmaid is it's easier to say no.

Sagradafamiliar · 08/05/2019 21:14

Benefits? Recognition? It's a privilege is it not? Do you even like her??

Yorkshirelady · 08/05/2019 21:38

When did it become so bloody laborious to just be a good mate and help your friend with her wedding plans....to just be happy to help without expecting anything in return...other than being thankful that she wants you to be involved in the first place? And when did it become the 'norm' for the wedding party to feel such a huge sense of entitlement? How would you feel if she read this? I hope you would feel ashamed of yourself....I'm ashamed for you. I hope she's not posting the same thing when you decide to get married. :-)

Excited101 · 08/05/2019 21:43

Wow! Worst friend ever! You should want to do those things! Do you actually like your friend??

BumbleBeee69 · 08/05/2019 21:47

She wants someone to do all the donkey work basically

I agree.. she's a cheeky git.. she wants you to do all the bridesmaid duties without it costing her a single penny... and yes you're doing all her Donkey Work.. Fuck That Flowers

Pomegranateseeds · 08/05/2019 21:48

YABVVU

Pardonwhat · 08/05/2019 21:49

Excited101

Whilst you might think the OP is being unreasonable calling her the ‘worst friend wver’ is quite a stretch Confused

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 08/05/2019 21:56

I probably wouldn't want to be away from DH either the night before. But that's because it's so rare for us to go away without the kids that I'd resent spending the time in my friend's room instead of with him. But it's her wedding so I think you have to if she's asked. At least you can wear what you want and don't have to trust her to pick something nice.

Andylion · 08/05/2019 22:20

But it’s on a level with say everyone standing in a circle around the bride and groom whilst they say their vows rather than sitting behind them in a church layout

She wants to be, literally, the centre of attention. BMs would take some of that attention from her.

I agree with the donkey work comment.

FlyingMonkeys · 09/05/2019 02:17

Hmm, 'she would know you like getting dressed up and having photos took'. So basically her wedding day should be all about you and she can pay for your dress, hair, makeup to make you feel special? And it's too much chew for you to spend 2hrs with her on the morning getting ready and arrange a pretty bog standard night out? In all the years you've been best mates I'll assume you've never gone clubbing together and god forbid you've booked a taxi then? Because it doesn't sound like the hen requires much more than a couple of texts and a banner for the bride at best.

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