To be annoyed I’m a bridesmaid without the title or the dress?

[ConkerGame]

Please tell me if IABU - I want to be supportive of my friend but I’m feeling quite annoyed about the situation and would prefer to be ok with it if possible!

One of my closest, oldest friends is getting married this autumn. I love both her and her fiancé and am very happy for them and excited for their wedding.

My friend announced straight away after they got engaged that she wasn’t going to have bridesmaids as she wasn’t having a completely traditional wedding. Fair enough.

However, she has got me and her other best friend from uni basically fulfilling the roles of a bridesmaid but without any of the benefits! I am happy to do some of them (e.g. go dress shopping with her, as I enjoy shopping anyway) but some other stuff is more irritating - e.g. planning the hen, which takes quite a bit of time and effort (although it is just one day in our town tbf, not a weekend abroad or anything), spending the night before and morning of the wedding with her to help her get ready (and therefore not with my partner).

I feel silly on the one hand as I’d be happy to do these things if I was a bridesmaid, as then at least you get the recognition, the dress, the make up and hair etc, but because I’m not getting any of that, I’m finding I’m resenting the time spent on it! Is that awful of me? Am I a terrible friend? And if not, what can I really do about it?! We are in our early thirties so I would feel a bit pathetic saying I’m annoyed I don’t get to walk down the aisle with her! And I do know it’s her day and isn’t about me.

So as not to drip feed, I know she doesn’t enjoy being a bridesmaid and wouldn’t be upset if I didn’t have her.

Please talk some sense into me!

Bloody hell , you should be relieved. I’ve been MOH a few times and it’s knackering because you basically babysit the bride all day - including helping them go to the loo in their stupid dresses! She’s a friend so help her out and get over yourself. The wedding day will be more relaxing for you this way.

I don’t understand why the bride has said she doesn’t want bridesmaids when actually she clearly does?
Not having bridesmaids is fine if you’re not expecting anyone to carry out bridesmaid duties. If she doesn’t want bridesmaids then why isn’t she doing everything herself? All her own organising etc? Either you want that input or you don’t. I’m confused what this bride seems to want.

@TheWaiting

I agree. It does sound as if she wants bridesmaids, she just doesn't want them walking up the aisle with her. I love a non traditional wedding, but saying you don't want bridesmaids and then asking a friend to be pretty much a bridesmaid is a little confused. I think the bride is a little confused about what she's trying to do tbh.

I wouldn't fall out with anyone over it, but it is a bit strange.

If she doesn't want the whole big, white wedding deal, I applaud her, but I would also say she should be organising her own hen and breaking with tradition. Mind you, it isn't traditional to ask someone to throw you a hen do. They normally instigate it. It is seen as a bit tacky / grabby to ask ime.

@Hopeygoflightly but based on what the bride is asking of the OP is sounds like this may be expected anyway.

Also if she’s asking you to get ready with her etc, how are you getting to the venue etc.

It does sound to me like she does want bridesmaids but doesn’t want to fork out for the dresses etc.

It does sound to me like she does want bridesmaids but doesn’t want to fork out for the dresses etc.

Could be the money, or she doesn't want to share the 'stage' or is trying to make the point that her wedding is NOT normal, vair, vair special. No bridesmaids please. Too traditional for us, but be a dear and throw me a hen do will you?

The more I think about it, the more I think the bride is being a bit of a dick.

Also if she’s asking you to get ready with her etc, how are you getting to the venue etc.

Good point. It does come across as the bride actually wanting all the benefits of having bridesmaids but not wanting to give them any of the things they'd usually get out of doing it.

We are actually staying at the venue so don’t need to worry about transport once we’re there.

It’s not a money thing as they are spending a fortune on the wedding! And she’s not normally tight tbf. I think @cupotea might have it right tbh - in theory she wanted to be “alternative” and different but when it’s come to it she’s realised a lot of the traditions are there for a good reason! (Eg she initially said she wouldn’t have a hen but then I think it dawned on her she would be missing out so has backtracked on that one and asked us to organise it)

But don’t worry, I will suck it up, cut out some of the personalisation so it doesn’t take as long

That’s a bit spiteful of you OP.

Do you not actually like your friend? It sounds like you’re trying to get her back for not having bridesmaids.

I was not a BM for my Sister as she knew I am uncomfortable in the spotlight. I am a behind the scenes helper.
Just chill out and help your friend. It's only one night and day. You might enjoy it in the end.

I get it! My friend has done something similar to me! Though she has two BM (not me) and has asked to to organise the hen as they are not very good at that sort of thing....!