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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed I’m a bridesmaid without the title or the dress?

110 replies

ConkerGame · 08/05/2019 17:31

Please tell me if IABU - I want to be supportive of my friend but I’m feeling quite annoyed about the situation and would prefer to be ok with it if possible!

One of my closest, oldest friends is getting married this autumn. I love both her and her fiancé and am very happy for them and excited for their wedding.

My friend announced straight away after they got engaged that she wasn’t going to have bridesmaids as she wasn’t having a completely traditional wedding. Fair enough.

However, she has got me and her other best friend from uni basically fulfilling the roles of a bridesmaid but without any of the benefits! I am happy to do some of them (e.g. go dress shopping with her, as I enjoy shopping anyway) but some other stuff is more irritating - e.g. planning the hen, which takes quite a bit of time and effort (although it is just one day in our town tbf, not a weekend abroad or anything), spending the night before and morning of the wedding with her to help her get ready (and therefore not with my partner).

I feel silly on the one hand as I’d be happy to do these things if I was a bridesmaid, as then at least you get the recognition, the dress, the make up and hair etc, but because I’m not getting any of that, I’m finding I’m resenting the time spent on it! Is that awful of me? Am I a terrible friend? And if not, what can I really do about it?! We are in our early thirties so I would feel a bit pathetic saying I’m annoyed I don’t get to walk down the aisle with her! And I do know it’s her day and isn’t about me.

So as not to drip feed, I know she doesn’t enjoy being a bridesmaid and wouldn’t be upset if I didn’t have her.

Please talk some sense into me!

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 09/05/2019 03:04

Truth be told, I don't really understand the problem here, especially as I'd rather be in your situation than be a traditional "Bridesmaid" as you have much more freedom.

I also think that a good friend would naturally help as you are doing.

However, I'm sure there are ways to make this work for you. So...

Why not get yourself a t-shirt printed with BRIDESMAID on the front?
Wear a BM-style dress on the day?
Maybe carry a little BMy bag? (Not flowers, in case you get it wrong and out-shine the bride.)
You could even buy yourself a little present. (I might have gone too far with that one.)

Whatever you do, just try to enjoy it. It's a special time and it should be a happy memory to look back on.

Graphista · 09/05/2019 03:31

Wow!

Do you only do things for others if there is something in it for you?

Because that is how you're coming across.

What has she done for you over the years? Have you always publicly recognised this?

Either you're a true friend in which case none of this is a problem and you're happy to do it to make your friends life easier or you're only a friend on your terms which is not really a friend.

Decide and act accordingly, because the last this she needs is you letting her down or taking umbrage over an imagined slight in relation to the wedding.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/05/2019 03:49

I didn't have any bridesmaids at my wedding - too complicated. My best friend hadn't had me as bridesmaid at her wedding either - but I had sung for it. So I asked her to sing for mine (we can both sing!). She still took on the role of chief bridesmaid without being asked - did extra bits, helped out here and there etc., came to the house the morning of the wedding because she wanted to, came to the house the night before the wedding as well for a very impromptu old-fashioned hen night (only about 6 of us, just having a drink and a laugh)

So yes, I think YABU because if she's really your friend, you should help out because you love her, not for what you get back from it. Maybe it's because you've been asked to help? I don't know. As I say, apart from asking my friend to sing for my wedding, she did all the rest off her own bat, not through me asking her, so maybe that's the difference.

ShinyShoe · 09/05/2019 04:10

YABU
I was bridesmaid at my BFs wedding and it was awful. The dress made me look terrible and she insisted I couldn’t wear lipstick amongst many other crazy demands. She went a bit nuts with stress. I would have much preferred wearing what I wanted and helping out. You don’t have to stay over with her the night before. You could be with her the evening before but go home to your partner and then go back in the morning. As you’re not an official bridesmaid you do get to say no to things.

Redglitter · 09/05/2019 04:30

it’s lovely as you get to be all dressed up, looking your best, in all the official photos, people coming up to you all day telling you what a good job you’ve done etc

So unless you're getting recognition & attention for your help you're not interested. Charming

Ranchokish · 09/05/2019 04:36

This reply has been deleted

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ChipSandwich · 09/05/2019 04:53

But I think she would know that I enjoy the getting dressed up bit and all the photos etc as she does know me very well!

Have you any idea how self absorbed that sounds?

Ferii · 09/05/2019 05:04

OMG YABU! What a bridesmaidzilla! She's your friend, help her out. I thought nothing irked me more than bridesmaids who don't help and just want the title and the dress but I think this is comparable. It;s not about you. The wonderful thing about being a bridesmaid is that you get to play a pivotal role in a very special day and your friend thinks so highly of you that she trusts you with such an intimate thing - the title and the dress are irrelevant. If she wants a non traditional wedding with no bridesmaids then go for it, support her choice as her friend. You'll still get recognition as I'm sure either she or the groom will thank you in their speeches and I'm sure there'll be a little thank you gift as well.

Springisallaround · 09/05/2019 05:09

I'm actually sympathetic to this. The amount of 'helping' is beyond a normal guest at the wedding- perhaps organizing a night out is fairly standard, but spending the night before and the morning of the wedding getting her ready would be too much for me, I'd rather just turn up or do one bit of that. If you are all getting hair/makeup done together, great, but it doesn't sound like that's the deal.

I'd be happy to do bits of this, but not the whole shebang but then I wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid either. It's all just a tiny bit much for one person especially if they don't have an official role.

BlackCatSleeping · 09/05/2019 05:14

I reported the spam.

You sounds bonkers, OP. But, then I'm not really interested in doing the BM stuff, so would be happy to help out without having to wear a BM dress and get my hair done etc. That would be my ideal situation. I'm sure your friend will be very grateful for your help.

😂 @TatianaLarina

BlackCatSleeping · 09/05/2019 05:15

@Ferii

I think you'll find she's actually a non-bridesmaidzilla.

Bibijayne · 09/05/2019 05:17

I don't think you're being unreasonable. She's got you guys doing donkey work but doesn't want to bother sorting out dressers and a couple of bunches if flowers. Seems mean. If she's so untraditional, why doesn't she organise her hen? When does she even need a hen in the first place.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 09/05/2019 05:18

Thé amount of moaning you hear on mumsnet about being a bridesmaid; cost organising etc.
She trusts you and wants to spend her ore wedding night with you.
If you want to get hair and make up done with her, just ask, but be prepared to pay.
Also ask if the photographer can take a photo of you and her together when you are all dressed up.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 09/05/2019 05:31

Organizing a night in town is hardly donkey work. And I bet she thought you'd be honoured to spend the night before with her, because you are, you know, supposed to be a close friend! You sound like in unbridesmaidzilla to me!

jameswong · 09/05/2019 05:32

You're right. You are being pathetic moaning about this.

OneThreadOnly0101 · 09/05/2019 05:48

Are you 10?

You want recognition and praise from wedding guests? For all your effort? I genuinely don't understand. I haven't been to that many weddings, but it wouldn't cross my mind to praise the bridesmaids 😂 Confused

The things suggested are all things a friend would happily do. You can still get dressed up and do your hair and makeup. You just get to choose your own dress.

You've already admitted that the hen do isn't something unreasonable and extravagant, so surely it shouldn't be that much hassle.

If you really don't want to be with her while she's getting ready then tell her you can't do it as your DP needs you to tie his tie and let someone who wants to be there, be there.

YABU.

ittakes2 · 09/05/2019 06:01

Sorry but in the nicest possible way you are a bridesmaidzilla! You only want to help your friend if you get the recognition of walking down the aisle with her?

Cherrysherbet · 09/05/2019 06:13

Get your own hair and make up done.
Buy a new dress.

Support your friend, and enjoy this time together.

Here’s your title......Queen Conker. There you go, now get on with being a good friend. It’s not about you.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 09/05/2019 06:16

If my closest oldest friend wanted help with wedding arrangements I'd happily step up and do it. Without reward, recognition and title.

If you genuinely don't have skills or time to do it then tell her. But if it's just because of the title then I think that's says more about your glory seeking and how you value friendship.

WillLokireturn · 09/05/2019 06:58

YANBU

Dress shopping - yes, fab.

Staying overnight day before - that's defo a BM thing. She wants your support and company, you get ready around her, and accompany (or drive) her to the church? BMs and / or FOB/MOB do this.

Booking all the hen celebration - it's a bride & BM thing or if a friend offered.

I had bridesmaids and arranged my own Hen party (weekend in our town, travellers stayed at mine) except for afternoon cocktails part ( BM booked that as a surprise)

TheRedBarrows · 09/05/2019 07:06

OP, you are being ridiculous.

Being a best friend is being a best friend and more important than a dressing up role.

NameChangeNugget · 09/05/2019 07:24

Read your post as a third person....

You sound like an incredibly selfish friend

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 09/05/2019 09:10

what "donkey work" ?

going to a party...staying over in a hotel the night before. Gosh what a hideous burden of responsibility....

Original poster
ConkerGame · 09/05/2019 09:20

Ok thanks all. I knew IWBU but just needed it knocking into me!

I think the main issue is that she’s seen me be a bridesmaid before and knows how much time and effort I put into it (For the hen I usually make personalised games and decorations, meet up with the groom to film certain things for games, personalised messages etc, which all takes longer than you think!) so she’s probably asked me as she knows I’m good at it and will be disappointed if I don’t put the same amount of effort into hers.

However those weddings were a few years ago when I was younger and I now work longer hours and have a particular hobby I spend a lot of time on (I perform so I can’t just not), plus I would like to have some time to spend with my partner - so I was actually a bit relieved when she said no bridesmaids as I knew I didn’t want to / wouldn’t be able to spend all that time on the hen and everything again. But now it turns out I’m doing it all again anyway, just without the bits I actually enjoy.

But don’t worry, I will suck it up, cut out some of the personalisation so it doesn’t take as long, and will of course very much enjoy the day! I think it’s just unfortunate that I’m seemingly in the minority of women who enjoy being a bridesmaid on the actual day but don’t love the organisation bits!

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 09/05/2019 11:51

Oh, yeah, I'm definitely the opposite. I like organising things but hate being the focus of attention, so would prefer it as you have it now.

If you have any budget, have a look on Etsy and see if you can order something more personalised there. Don't do more than you can manage.