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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed I’m a bridesmaid without the title or the dress?

110 replies

ConkerGame · 08/05/2019 17:31

Please tell me if IABU - I want to be supportive of my friend but I’m feeling quite annoyed about the situation and would prefer to be ok with it if possible!

One of my closest, oldest friends is getting married this autumn. I love both her and her fiancé and am very happy for them and excited for their wedding.

My friend announced straight away after they got engaged that she wasn’t going to have bridesmaids as she wasn’t having a completely traditional wedding. Fair enough.

However, she has got me and her other best friend from uni basically fulfilling the roles of a bridesmaid but without any of the benefits! I am happy to do some of them (e.g. go dress shopping with her, as I enjoy shopping anyway) but some other stuff is more irritating - e.g. planning the hen, which takes quite a bit of time and effort (although it is just one day in our town tbf, not a weekend abroad or anything), spending the night before and morning of the wedding with her to help her get ready (and therefore not with my partner).

I feel silly on the one hand as I’d be happy to do these things if I was a bridesmaid, as then at least you get the recognition, the dress, the make up and hair etc, but because I’m not getting any of that, I’m finding I’m resenting the time spent on it! Is that awful of me? Am I a terrible friend? And if not, what can I really do about it?! We are in our early thirties so I would feel a bit pathetic saying I’m annoyed I don’t get to walk down the aisle with her! And I do know it’s her day and isn’t about me.

So as not to drip feed, I know she doesn’t enjoy being a bridesmaid and wouldn’t be upset if I didn’t have her.

Please talk some sense into me!

OP posts:
Marlena1 · 08/05/2019 18:02

I don't think you actually mind doing any of these things but you would like some recognition. You want to get your makeup done etc and there is nothing wrong with that. Maybe you just feel a little bit cheated. I think I would too.

bridgetreilly · 08/05/2019 18:02

I think you are being very unreasonable indeed. Bridesmaid dresses are more often a thing to be endured than enjoyed and as for 'the title of bridesmaid', seriously? Who cares at all about that?

If she's a good friend, do these things because you love her and if she isn't, then don't do them. But do them in order to be called a bridesmaid? That is bonkers.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 08/05/2019 18:02

There are no benefits in being a bridesmaid especially in your 30s, just do it as a loving friend and count your blessings you are not having to go through the dress fittings and hideous makeup palava.

XiCi · 08/05/2019 18:05

Yes YABU and a shit friend. Do you only ever do things for people in your life if you are benefitting from it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/05/2019 18:06

I didn't have adult BMs and my best mate offered to do all those things, I assume because she loves me and she's great.

You can get a dress, your hair and make up done if you want.

ChocoCrocc · 08/05/2019 18:08

YABU! All this is just stuff I'd want to do for my closest friend. Bridesmaids or not.

And being labelled bridesmaid doesn't mean you automatically get your hair, make up and everything else paid for. Lots of bridesmaids have to do their own hair/make up. I know a few who have bought their own dresses and shoes as well!

daisypond · 08/05/2019 18:12

I think you’ve got the best bits and avoided the worst.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 08/05/2019 18:13

Do you need a commendation to do anything nice for your friends or is this an exceptional case?

ohwellstartagain · 08/05/2019 18:13

Sorry I think you are being unreasonable too. I would be pleased to do all those things for my friend without a 'reward' and I would be pleased she liked me enough to choose me to share that time with her.

Tbh you remind me of a former friend. There is a reason she is a former.

TatianaLarina · 08/05/2019 18:14

I can’t imagine why you’d give a fuck.

Mammylamb · 08/05/2019 18:14

I was witness for one of my best friends, and was so honoured to do it, but also immensely relieved that I didn’t have to dress up as a bloody bridesmaid for the umpteenth time

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 08/05/2019 18:15

I didn't think there were any benefits of being a bridesmaid.

I like thr idea of doing BM duties without having to wear The Dress that someone else chose

TatianaLarina · 08/05/2019 18:16

Bridesmaids can pay a fortune for their dresses and trimmings

Only if the bride is unspeakably vulgar. Bridesmaids should never pay for their dresses, they’re doing the bride a favour.

BettysLeftTentacle · 08/05/2019 18:24

Why can’t you do all those things just because you love your friend? You don’t get a special medal for being a bridesmaid. What’s the big deal? Sounds like you see your friendship as conditional.

Original poster
ConkerGame · 08/05/2019 18:28

@wonkybanana she has directly asked us. She said “I’m not having bridesmaids as I’m not having a traditional wedding but I was hoping you wouldn’t mind...” and then listed the things she wanted us to help with, which were all traditional bridesmaid duties.

When she first asked I was happy that I was so included in her plans but the more time hen planning takes up the more I am resenting it. This will essentially be my 5th time being a bridesmaid and I’ve always spent a lot of time and effort in helping the bride but it has always felt appreciated and on the day it’s lovely as you get to be all dressed up, looking your best, in all the official photos, people coming up to you all day telling you what a good job you’ve done etc. I’m not someone who minds being told what to wear - the dresses my friend have picked for me have all been lovely and I’m rubbish at hair and make up so love having them done too.

But equally I do understand all the posts saying I should want to do it anyway. But then surely she should recognise the time and effort we are spending and want to officially thank us too?! (I’m hoping she will say thank you in person!)

OP posts:
flumpybear · 08/05/2019 18:29

Unreasonable of you - be a friend. Unless you're just collecting friends to be a bridesmaid Hmm

CupOhTea · 08/05/2019 18:32

On the face of it, I think YABU, yes. You should want to support your friend just because she's your friend.

But, if she's gone all bridezilla and demanding outrageous levels of effort and expense; ridiculous hen do which lasts for days abroad where she doesn't pay for anything, not allowing you to wear certain things in case you outshine her etc, then she is being a CF. If you don't want the whole traditional wedding that's great and I applaud it, but IF (and it's a bit if) she happens to be a controlling bridezilla type, then she is not having a laid back affair.

BettysLeftTentacle · 08/05/2019 18:33

How do you know she doesn’t appreciate it exactly? You’re coming across as someone who will only do something nice for someone else if you’re getting something out of it. It’s a bit shit if she really is one of your oldest friends. I think most people wouldn’t even expect a Thankyou and would just feel happy in themselvesbthat they did something lovely for a person they care about.

Cambionome · 08/05/2019 18:36

I really don't understand what the big problem is here. She's a great friend but you are moaning about spending a short amount of time away from your partner to help her? You're upset because you won't get people coming up to you all day telling you how wonderful you are?? Confused

Maybe have a read back through your post, op - you are not covering yourself in glory here!

ThatsTheLastISawOfHim · 08/05/2019 18:38

I get it and don't think you're being unreasonable.

TatianaLarina · 08/05/2019 18:39

...

To be annoyed I’m a bridesmaid without the title or the dress?
ThatsTheLastISawOfHim · 08/05/2019 18:40

Shes wants someone to do all the donkey work basically

RosaWaiting · 08/05/2019 18:41

I don't think you "should" want to do it anyway and I think it's quite possible she views it as doing the nice bit without the horrible bit.

I made it clear to friends that I just wouldn't do it - I think it's a massive ask whether you get a dress or not, and in the end, it's not as important as things like helping out in a crisis.

so everyone has a different view and she may have no idea you feel annoyed.

what if she gets you a gift at the end of all this - will you feel different?

BitchyArriver · 08/05/2019 18:49

I also get it and don’t think you are being unreasonable.

And also, if she wants you to stay with her the night before she should be paying for your accommodation. If she wants you to get ready with her, and she is having pro hair and make up, she should book the same for you.

Original poster
ConkerGame · 08/05/2019 18:49

She’s not a bridezilla and what she’s asked isn’t at all outrageous of a normal bridesmaid. It’s just that I’m not one!

And yes she probably thinks there’s no problem on the dress front as I know she hates being told what to wear. But I think she would know that I enjoy the getting dressed up bit and all the photos etc as she does know me very well!

Also, her wedding is quite traditional in the end! Just with some alternative “quirks” which I don’t want to say as they would be immediately outing. But it’s on a level with say everyone standing in a circle around the bride and groom whilst they say their vows rather than sitting behind them in a church layout.

OP posts:
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