DD preferring DH

[xmasbamechange]

I really need to get this out and I’m wondering if anyone can help me with some insight if they’ve been through this and come out the other side!

I have a DD6, when she was little she was definitely a mummy’s girl. Over time between the ages of about 18months-4 I would say that there wasn’t a preference between me and daddy, she just preferred each of us for different things. Ever since the age of around 4 and a half it’s like I have vanished, I literally feel like I could leave tomorrow and she genuinely wouldn’t care or notice. I am honestly not saying this in a way that I’m looking for reassurance and for people to say ofcourse she would, I 100% believe this. She doesn’t want me for anything, would never chose to do anything with me over her dad and I’m just at a loss. I have all but given up on attempting to take her to bed because no matter how many time I do it she will still be sad because she wants her daddy and I don’t want to force her to want me. The disappointment on her face when I say I’m taking you tonight literally rips my heart in two, I can’t bare it. Any time I say come on let’s us do something together it’s like she’s itching for it to finish so she can be with him. Anytime we watch a film together she will only sit with him. As time has gone on I feel like it’s gotten worse whereas I hoped it would be a phase. I’m at a loss. I’m worried because I also think it will either make my younger DD jealous that they are a twosome and push her away from her dad and will end up making her dad feel how I feel about her older sister OR she will copy.

I know this is ridiculous but I am just at a loss, it is making me desperately unhappy. I love my little girl but I don’t feel she loves me anymore. Aibu to be this upset?

Of course YANBU for being upset.
Sorry OP I have no advice but clicked on here as my 18month old is all Daddu at the moment - and I find it irrationally heartbreaking!

Of course this is upsetting.
What are the family dynamics like in general?
Who is the strictest parent? Who enforced the rules? Who does the fun stuff?
How much time do you both get to spend with her?
Is one of you always available for her? Does she have to wait for the other person?

Oh my goodness, I could have written this.
I feel the same about my 3 year old and her daddy. Dh thinks I'm ridiculous.
I feel I havnet helped my situation as I have chosen to go back to work as I find being a Sahm mentally challenging. I feel I have kind of brought this on myself.
Dd absolutely prefers dh to me. He has so much more patience with her than me. He tells me it's not a competition but I can't help but feel this way.

Are you home a lot more than your husband? When I was little I was very like this I wanted my dad to everything with me but that was because my dad worked full time and worked shifts so wasn't about a lot, I probably saw my dad for an hour or 2 a day in the week sometimes less and my mum was a SAHM. If it helps I now have a great relationship with both my parents and would be lost without my mum.

I think what doesn’t help is that at this point I can’t really talk about it with my DH anymore, we have had this conversation so many times but I think that my frustration and jealousy has manifested itself in a way that it seems that I blame him. When we are in situations like maybe having a small disagreement if he says anything remotely negative about me I feel that she latches on to this which makes me angry at him and “blame him”. What prompted me to write this tonight is because I was feeling particularly upset about this today and I tried to speak with him once the girls were in bed. He was immediately aggressive and dismissive. He said that this is because he feels that I blame him when he doesn’t feel he has done anything wrong apart from just be a good dad. I think the crux of it is that he just doesn’t understand.
I feel frustrated because I suppose I want him to pull back abit from her because I feel she won’t let me in and he doesn’t want to because he feels that for a dad that is in work so much he has worked really hard to build an excellent relationship with her and feels that he shouldn’t need to do that. I suppose selfishly I want him to for me. That’s probably wrong?

I’m very much the strict parent and she views him as the fun one and I feel this is where we get stuck. I try really hard to carve it alone time with her but it feels like I’m pressuring her because I don’t feel she wants to, she would rather be with him.

I don’t think either of you should engage with her less, but - Your dh sounds like he’s being bit of a tool about this. Tell him to stop disneydadding around and do some of the bad cop stuff. It’s not fair that it all falls to you.

Calm down and back off. If she sees it's getting to you, it might make her worse. It probably is just a phase, but lasting longer than you thought it would. And realistically there's nothing your DH can do. He's just being a good dad. How's your relationship with the younger DD? Maybe she'll be mummy's girl?

At first I ignored it as best I could but it was a shock. Then I became so distressed that after a couple months there was no change I gave it way to much attention. Now I’m back to ignoring it.

My relationship with my younger DD is fantastic, she is definitely a mummy’s girl right now but she doesn’t alienate my DH at all. I would be quite happy if my eldest was a daddy’s girl but it’s the fact that I feel she isolates me that hurts. This evening my DH said to me that he doesn’t see it, he thinks our relationship is fine and that the reason she wants him is because when he walks in from work she’s already been with me for a couple hours. What he isn’t listening to though is that it’s not that part I take issue with, It’s more the weekends when the playing field is level that it bothers me. I would like to think that where she is getting more time with him she wouldn’t crave it so much and there would be some left for me.

Op this is a phase. I currently have my 15 year old dd locking horns with her dad almost daily, sometimes she flounces out of the room just because he has walked in.

This is the girl who was attached to him like a limpet for years.

Of cCourse I’m not saying wait until she’s a teen, it will change. But Try and take the long view .

I promise you it’s a phase

I think he doesn’t take me seriously, he thinks I’m just being dramatic. He said to me tonight that he doesn’t think he’s the favourite it’s that I can’t stand that I’m not a clear favourite. This isn’t true.

All I want is for some help or suggestions in how to make it better, I’m not sure where else to turn.

Ohyesiam thank you, you’ve given me some hope. I feel really unsupported right now from my DH so that’s made me feel much better

Well first of all he needs to back you up on this instead of making you feel like you are in the wrong. He is obviously not helping the situation by pandering to her wanting daddy and rejecting you.
Im guessing you are a sahm? This happens quite a lot, daddy is the favourite when he comes home.
Would ignore it. She is 6, not a toddler, she will know she is hurting your feelings and you are probably giving it too much attention.

Drogosnextwife interesting. Just out of curiosity what would you view as him pandering to her? He does back me up in the sense that he will encourage her to spend time with me and let me take her to bed without fuss BUT he will still feel the need to go in to her at bedtime after I’ve left to give her a cuddle and kiss goodnight for 5mins. I feel this is like saying me taking her to bed isn’t enough and he completely disagrees

I come from the other side of this. My youngest DC, 9 years is a mummy’s girl, always has been. When I am around she wants nothing to do with dad to the extent he would tell me to ignore her so she will go to him. He expressed his disappointment that I would not reject my child just so she would go to him becoming increasingly frustrated and annoyed at me without realising that by doing so he is body language was exacerbating the problem. Eventually as he calmed down about it and showed it no longer bothered him she actually started to ask him to do this for her. Could your frustration also be making the situation worse?

In regards to your last post how would you feel if you were told you could not kiss your child goodnight?
Could you compromise and you take her but before you leave the room he pops in to give her a kiss and cuddle before you both leave?

Merrymumoftwo At first I do think it did, I admit I reacted badly. I was deeply hurt and kept searching for a reason as I couldn’t work out what had changed. Now though I completely ignore it.

Forgive me you said you ignore it but are also saying it is causing disagreements. If she is aware of these or tension between the two of you that would still be picked up on. As frustrating as it is you truly have to let go so it actually comes across in your body language not just with her but with your DH

Merrymumoftwo see I completely understand what your saying and I get how it must sound BUT I want her to feel that I am also enough and I feel as if until he possibly backs off abit and let’s her see I can be enough it won’t happen. I also love my husband very very much and I truly believe if he felt that me not going in after he done bedtime a couple times a week to say goodnight again would help the situation I would do it. At the end of the day it won’t hurt her, she will say goodnight to him before I would take her up.

OP, I am going through the same thing with my three year old at the moment, and it is so, so upsetting. You poor thing. I understand exactly what you mean when you say you don’t want to force her - I am doing pretty much enforced one-to-one time with her every Sunday and she cries every week that she wants daddy, and it’s like a knife in my heart. So you have my full sympathy.

Out of curiosity, how old is your younger daughter? What kind of baby was she? While it is probably a phase, I think a younger sibling really radically impacts on your relationship with your first born. I have a one year old as well, and he was (still is) an extremely tricky child - colic, reflux, co-sleeping, total Velcro baby who pretty much screamed every time I put him down. Basically, her dad became her primary carer for the first six months or so of DS’s life. So those patterns became really embedded and it’s proving really hard to change them. Could there have been a similar dynamic for you? I don’t think it needs to be as extreme as my case, tbh - kids are so sensitive.

xmasbamechange

Ah see I thought you ment he would jump in and do everything for her as soon as she asked for him. I don't think the saying good night is strange. My boys usually want me to put them to bed, they wouldn't be that bothered if their dad didn't come in but I usually insist he goes in or does a few bedtimes instead of me and I'll just go in for a kiss goodnight. What do you do when she makes a fuss about wanting her dad?

Merrymumoftwo she doesn’t hear the disagreements about it. I really don’t think she does sense it anymore because I felt like she was to aware that it was affecting me. Maybe subconsciously I am though?

Drogosnextwife no you see although tonight my DH has acted like a prize prick in my opinion, overall he has been really supportive and I think that we will talk about tonight when we have both calmed down. When she makes a fuss about having her dad depending on what we are doing depends on how I respond. So if I ask her if she would like to go to x shop with me or go with dad, she will 50/50 chose me BUT then at the last minute she will change her mind and want to stay with him. This I make no big deal of. If I want to take her to bed and she starts to get upset I insist that I will be taking her and won’t back down, I’m not sure if this is wrong? After a few mins she is fine and accepts it

badb my younger DD is 16months. Whilst her arrival wasn’t the start it definitely made it worse and ramped it up and made it worse.

Thank you to everyone that has responded so far, I can’t tell you how good it feels. I feel very alone right now.

My DD was like this but the other way around. At about 4 she suddenly stopped wanting to be anywhere near her father , she wouldn't even speak to him . He was a perfectly good and nice daddy, but for her own reasons she just took a dislike to him. He was shattered about it, but he soldiered on and acted normal around her . DD was like that for about a year, then suddenly one day she started talking to him , and it was like a new beginning. He was delighted of course, but she just acted as if this was normal.

That was many years ago - I've actually asked her if she remembers giving her father the silent treatment but she has no memory of it. It must just be "one of those things" which kids sometimes do to us.

Going by your comment about the arrival of your younger child, yes I do think that this can exacerbate the situation. My younger child was born at about the time that DD started the "silent treatment" so it might have been connected.