DD preferring DH

[xmasbamechange]

I really need to get this out and I’m wondering if anyone can help me with some insight if they’ve been through this and come out the other side!

I have a DD6, when she was little she was definitely a mummy’s girl. Over time between the ages of about 18months-4 I would say that there wasn’t a preference between me and daddy, she just preferred each of us for different things. Ever since the age of around 4 and a half it’s like I have vanished, I literally feel like I could leave tomorrow and she genuinely wouldn’t care or notice. I am honestly not saying this in a way that I’m looking for reassurance and for people to say ofcourse she would, I 100% believe this. She doesn’t want me for anything, would never chose to do anything with me over her dad and I’m just at a loss. I have all but given up on attempting to take her to bed because no matter how many time I do it she will still be sad because she wants her daddy and I don’t want to force her to want me. The disappointment on her face when I say I’m taking you tonight literally rips my heart in two, I can’t bare it. Any time I say come on let’s us do something together it’s like she’s itching for it to finish so she can be with him. Anytime we watch a film together she will only sit with him. As time has gone on I feel like it’s gotten worse whereas I hoped it would be a phase. I’m at a loss. I’m worried because I also think it will either make my younger DD jealous that they are a twosome and push her away from her dad and will end up making her dad feel how I feel about her older sister OR she will copy.

I know this is ridiculous but I am just at a loss, it is making me desperately unhappy. I love my little girl but I don’t feel she loves me anymore. Aibu to be this upset?

I have experienced this with my two at different times. What wasn't helping in my situation was being the main carer, frankly you have less valuable currency if you are the one who is usually around. Likewise if you are the person who usually enforces family rules.
My dh has also experienced this with our ds in the past. I think because they didn't automatically gel personality wise, they expected different responses from each other.
What works well for us is spending time with one dc alone for a day. So that day is just you and one dc. The dc gets to choose the whole day's activities and you let them take control. If they cannot think of anything give them options and go with what they choose.
It isn't optional going with the other parent, this fantastic day is only accessed with you. Go, take selfies together. Print them out. Then you have something to talk about where the two of you had a great time.
As you have two dc, you then swap next time.

I think it’s just been so long now that I don’t see it ever changing. This started when she was around 4 and a half and she’s now just gone 6. 18months of feeling constantly rejected.

dreichuplands we do things like this all the time but it doesn’t seem to make any difference beyond that day.

I wouldn't give up on it changing our tween dc are definitely switching allegiance to same sex parents, they had been inclined to lean the opposite way up to them.
Also make sure dh is doing his fair share of discipline etc.

Your pain and trauma is so intense right now-I encourage you to talk to a professional be it a personal counselor or a marriage counselor or a child psychologist or SOMEONE-there is an unhealthy dynamic in your family right now that I have deep concern for you currently. Do you have any you can speak with about your concerns?

Why would you ask her if she wants to go to the shop with you or dad, knowing that she'll probably say dad? Why not just be upbeat about the 2 of you going to the shop and make it sound fun?

I think you need to try and do some fun things together and take the pressure off a little bit.

Hi op, no advice really but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in feeling like this.
My dd is 8 and openly admits that daddy is her favourite.
I went abroad for 5 days a couple of years ago and rang daily, she didn't even want to speak to me!

We are close but nowhere near as close as the two of them. I have always been a daddy's girl and still am at 41 so I can't complain really. It is tough though sometimes as I feel like I'm often on the sidelines looking in.

Dd and I both love shopping and girly days which is something that dp doesn't enjoy so we do that quite frequently and I am with her for all school holidays as am a SAHM but I know my place :) as when daddy's car pulls up she is at the door.

I'm just very glad they are so close and when I see friends with crappy partners who have no time for their children it makes me feel very fortunate that my dd has such a good dad. Try not to worry

I second counseling.
She is just a little kid, she doesn't have the social skills to be deliberately isolating you - some of your language is really problematic - makes me feel that this has gotten waaaay out of proportion.
Even when little kids play 'mean girl' games, they are just teting their power, testing social dynamics - by responding so intensely you are actually creating an issue where really there is nothing to be had.
I can tell you that forcing her dad to withdraw from her is not going to magically make her want to hang out with you. She really does love you, and you need to chill and just let this run its course or I think you could be in for much bigger issues down the track.

My DH was always the favoured option for years with our eldest DD (19) who is it she always comes to now? Me. They go through many phases just don’t make a big deal out of it as you may cause problems that don’t need to be there.

EKGEMS thank you for your concern. I have often thought about marriage counciling, I don’t think we communicate things we are unhappy with very well. There does seem to also always be abit of a blame game with most things which is why he reacted as he did tonight. He feels as if I’m blaming him, I tried to explain that I’m not blaming him BUT I do think that he has played a role in not backing off abit, so she never sees I’m enough.
I think I’m a way this has been deeply traumatic for me, I was a young mum when I had her, was completely unexpected but was very happy. I made absolutely no friends when I had her and all my old friends were at work and then clubbing all weekend. It was literally me and her everyday all day till DH got in from work. I really struggled with finding the right time to try for another baby because me and her felt like a little team. Then when we decided to start trying it took me a while to fall pregnant and I suffered two miscarriages. It made my bond stronger with her, then everything changed.

whatwouldyoubelikeat28 I by no means want him to withdraw from her, I would never want that. What I want is for him to back off abit where I personally feel he’s being to much. For instance this bedtime situation, when he says goodnight to her downstairs why is it necessary for him to then come up again after I have done bedtime to then do his own little bedtime for 5mins? Doesn’t that defeat the point of me doing bedtime? Isn’t that like saying he can’t let me do bedtime without him?

I think she's gravitating to him as you say you're the strict one and he's less so. He's more laid back so maybe hes more relaxing to be around because there aren't so many rules. Also, factor in that they may have very similar personalities too which maybe adds to her preference? He's put the work in to build a real bond, so I don't think you can ask him to 'back off' tho. That's just going to upset both of them & is going to rebound on you & you'll be seen as more ' bad cop'. I'd maybe lighten up on rules etc around any one on one time, actively ask her to do stuff she likes with you & do lots of stuff she enjoys all together too. And there's nothing wrong with him giving her a goodnight cuddle after you've taken her up. It's not a point scoring competition. If you make it one, she's going to pick up on it & it will ruin your relationship.

CSIblonde so much of what you have said is true. I think at first she did pick up on it and it drove her further away. That’s why I have now taken to ignoring it and just being as blasé as I can ad just being sad on the inside. Her personality is a real mix of us both but I do think he is generally a more relaxing person than I am.

We always went in to give ours a goodnight kiss, no matter who did stories. I don't think him going in to say goodnight is saying you aren't enough, that's you saying it. Of course you're enough - you're her mum.

You seem so invested in the relationship with you and her and it sounds intense. The way you talk about it being just you and her and almost as if she replaced your friends. Maybe talk to a counsellor and try and unpick some of this? Don't blame her dad though. It doesn't sound like it's his fault (unless there's a huge backstory) and it isn't your fault either.

My daughter, 3 nearly 4, has strong preference for all the males in her life - her dad, her step dad, her two grandfathers (both my side of the family, I have a step dad), her maternal uncle.

It is wearing and occasionally upsetting. My dad tells me I was the same with my mum, as a small child.

This sounds like classic Oedipus/Electra complex, the ages are bang on.

It’s probably just a phase OP, and she should be coming out of it quite soon.

• by “I was the same with my mum” I mean - I ignored her in favour of male family members, as my daughter currently does with me.

So what are the positives about you that you can share with your dd OP?
(Also you could go and give your dd a quick kiss after your dh has put dd to bed)

DecomposingComposers she didn’t replace my friends at all, she was just all I had on a day to day basis because I really struggled to make friends. I live in an area where mums tend to be all in their early to mid 30s, I was early 20s, unmarried. They wouldn’t even talk to me. So my days revolved around her, I always made a real effort for everyday to be fun. I think your right though, maybe the problem is that i now don’t feel enough? As I said before I genuinely take no issue with her being a daddy’s girl, that tends to swing in roundabouts, what I take issue with is that she continuously doesn’t want me, doesn’t want to spend time with me, doesn’t want to play with me etc when he is here.

dreichuplands I do, every night as he takes her I take the little one. Once the baby is down I go into her, give her a kiss and say goodnight. Most of the time she is asleep though.

xmasbamechange

That's what I meant about her replacing your friends. Sorry I didn't express it very well, I'm falling asleep.

I meant more that you spent all of your time with her because your friends weren't there.

For some reason you think that you aren't enough but you are. Is there anything that you both like doing that can be just "yours"?

They do grow out of it though. My dd was a real mummy's girl until she was about 4. Then daddy was the best thing ever for years, until maybe 13. Then she hated both of us 😅 and then gradually we both are equal with her.

BorisBadunov wow. I have never heard of that and from reading it does actually make sense. She can be extremely possessive of him and it does seem sometimes that she is competing with me with everyday things.

It is a minor point really but if she is asleep when you give her a kiss is she not asleep if your dh does the same on your nights.
More importantly dc have an ability to expose some of our darkest fears about ourselves and the kind of people we are. If you in any way think that this issue taps into broader fears about not being good enough or likable then getting some extra support may well be helpful.
These things do change over time though naturally.

DecomposingComposers Right yes I see what your saying now, 100% you are correct.
I do try and find things like getting nails done and I take her to a desert shop once a month. We also both enjoy puzzles and colouring so we sit down together to do that. I can see though that she’s just planning what she can do with daddy once we’re done and it stings. The other day my DH took her swimming, lovely they had a great time. I then took her out for ice cream, as we were leaving she asked if DH and her sister could come. It hurts.

dreichuplands yes a minor point but I can see how that’s confusing. When I take the baby to bed she takes longer than what she does with my DH and if we swap half way through it takes up to an hour to get her back. We’ve had a lot of trouble with bedtime with her.