DD preferring DH

[xmasbamechange]

I really need to get this out and I’m wondering if anyone can help me with some insight if they’ve been through this and come out the other side!

I have a DD6, when she was little she was definitely a mummy’s girl. Over time between the ages of about 18months-4 I would say that there wasn’t a preference between me and daddy, she just preferred each of us for different things. Ever since the age of around 4 and a half it’s like I have vanished, I literally feel like I could leave tomorrow and she genuinely wouldn’t care or notice. I am honestly not saying this in a way that I’m looking for reassurance and for people to say ofcourse she would, I 100% believe this. She doesn’t want me for anything, would never chose to do anything with me over her dad and I’m just at a loss. I have all but given up on attempting to take her to bed because no matter how many time I do it she will still be sad because she wants her daddy and I don’t want to force her to want me. The disappointment on her face when I say I’m taking you tonight literally rips my heart in two, I can’t bare it. Any time I say come on let’s us do something together it’s like she’s itching for it to finish so she can be with him. Anytime we watch a film together she will only sit with him. As time has gone on I feel like it’s gotten worse whereas I hoped it would be a phase. I’m at a loss. I’m worried because I also think it will either make my younger DD jealous that they are a twosome and push her away from her dad and will end up making her dad feel how I feel about her older sister OR she will copy.

I know this is ridiculous but I am just at a loss, it is making me desperately unhappy. I love my little girl but I don’t feel she loves me anymore. Aibu to be this upset?

What plans/ actions did you take when she was younger and a mummys girl favouring you?

You could ask your dh to copy whatever you did to equalize the relationships

araiwa when she was younger and this was happening she was very small, not even 2. I encouraged him to do things one on one with her and if that was making her upset we would all do things together and he would take the lead. Tbh though although she was a mummy’s girl she was always very happy to spend time with him one on one as he’s a lot of fun.

OP it may just be how you are expressing yourself here (being very honest and forthright) but if you are also this way at home could she be finding it very overwhelming and gravitating to your DH as he is more relaxed?

There are several theories as to why this occurs any combination of these or only one may be the case.

Because her development doesn't occur in a bubble, it's influenced by her own physical and psychological development, external factors like the arrival of a sibling, starting nursery if she goes etc

It's long been considered a normal part of psycho-sexual development to be overly invested in the relationship with the opposite sex parent around this age for a few years but it's also possible that it's because she has a better grip on permanence understanding that she misses dad as he's at work whereas you're omnipresent and get taken for granted..

In short it's normal and it's a phase, but it can be a longish lasting phase.

However, you do seem to have taken it particularly to heart yourself as a deliberate rejection of you - it's not.

But as you're struggling to accept that I second those recommending you get some counselling to work through why that is.

She does love you, and need you, you're her mum we only get one mum, but equally small children can be selfish, thoughtless little so and so's and do things that knock us for 6.

But you need to find a way to cope with that which is healthier than blaming your dd or her dad unnecessarily.

I was always Daddy's girl. He just seemed calmer and generally more happy to see me, have me on his knee, that sort of thing. My mother was always shouting, stressed and tense. Whereas Daddy would come in, lift me up and sit me on his knee while he was trying and failing to read his newspaper. He was just more relaxed and kinder.

As things are now, I am still probably closer to my Dad, but there are times where I need my Mum. My mother is still a prickly sort!

Op I really thinks it's you here with the issue. It seems like you are both pushing them away and together with your obsession over this.
Why are you asking her who she wants to go to the shop with?
And it's wrong for you to tell him not to come up and see her at bedtime even if he has said goodnight. I can see his point if this is what you are doing

He does seem to reassure you, but this isnt good enough for you. You are blaming him for something that your dd feels.
You are driving a wedge between the 3 of you.

My LO is only 7 months so can’t offer anything from a parenting point of view, but from a ‘daddy’s girl’ POV at that age I was running around telling everyone that I was going to marry my daddy when I grew up, he was the world to me and I definitely favoured him over my mum, but it was a phase and based on exactly the same things other posters have said, dad was out at work all day so it seemed more special to spend time with him, he was definitely the more relaxed, fun parent. I am still very much a daddy’s girl at 36 but I also have a wonderful relationship with my mum.

As hard as it is, try not to read too much into it, your dd isn’t rejecting you and does love and need you.

Firstly you're projecting a lot onto her. You say you can tell she's planning her time with her dad when she's with you. Really? Isn't that your jealousy talking?

You want him to back away from the bond he has with her. Which I think is a horrible thing to ask a parent to do.

You're with her the majority of the time. He sees her less, but you think he should ensure that a small child should split affection 50/50 at the weekends? How?

And this transfer of affection happened near to the end of your pregnancy. To me that means she is reacting to the the transfer of your attention and energy from solo on her, to a new baby. You might try to make it 50% attention each, but that's not going to be true with a new baby. And 100% to 50% is a hell of a drop. She's reacting by reaching out to her father. Would you prefer she was jealous of the new addition? Screaming her head off in desperation for your attention when you're focused on the baby?

the family dynamics have been changed and she's adjusting. You can't expect the same intensity of relationship you had when you were solo focused on her. Be pleased your dh has stepped up and is giving her what SHE needs, not pandering to your need to be central in her affection. You're going to have to deal with this throughout her life. Best friends, teenage boyfriends!!

When I say planning her time with her dad, I mean that we will be doing whatever we are doing together and she will be asking how long till we’re done? When can I do this with daddy? Can I go see daddy now? I don’t want him to back away from their bond, I would never ever want that. I’m more than happy as I’ve said further up thread for her to be a through and through daddy’s girl BUT she seems obsessed with him to the point where there doesn’t seem to be a place for me anymore? So for instance if she wants him to take her to bed every night, fair enough, I want her to be happy BUT the once/twice a week that I do it, it would be nice if she was happy or accepting of this instead of looking completely disappointed.

Me and DH spoke this morning, he apologised for his rudeness and aggression but explained that it came from a very frustrated place, which I knew anyway. He said that he just doesn’t know what to do anymore, wants me to be happy but can’t change who he is. I explained that I don’t want him to change, he is such a wonderful father but I just need maybe a little more help in him to be positive about me to her. Maybe sometimes if she is actually asking for me or letting me do things to maybe take a step back so she can see that time with just me is also fulfilling.

Ds 5 is like this when we go on holiday,hes all for his dad the whole time.It has upset me before but I've learnt it's not a bad thing, its good hes close to his dad and wants to spend time with him (plus I get a bit more me time)

Sorry if this has been mentioned already but you say this has been happening for 18 months and your littlest is 16 months so could this have been in response to new sibling? I know how hard it is with a baby so likely there would have been times when you had to meet the needs of the younger sibling(as it is with babies)-this doesn't mean you prefer her but to your daughter maybe she thinks that?

I agree that you seem to be projecting quite a lot and is it possible that she is picking up on your stress and that's making her lean more towards her dad?

Have you tried doing things as a family all together rather than one on one? And if she wants to be held by daddy all the time that's fine but he can include you by talking to you, etc I would also spend time doing fun things and not worrying about daddy, if she asks-answer but don't make it a competition or get snappy. My mother was the type who'd say she was fine with things but had certain tones of voice so we knew when she wasn't and it could be that you're doing the same and coming across as prickly

It sounds like this has become quite an obsession with who's the better parent instead of just letting it ride out. Instead of asking her who she wants to go to the shops with maybe say "let's go to the shops"or "I'm going to take you to the shops now" so she sees it as a fun thing with you and not a choice that she has to make (if I was being asked to make choices I'd probably choose the one that wasn't asking me to)

I have this with my 13 year old. She was always a mummies girl and now pushes me away all the time, so much so she says she thinks she’s adopted and i’m not her mum, I think it’s a teenager pushing the boundaries but it’s so hurtful, it’s very hard not to react

Your daughter needs a mother and a father. The two relationships will be different. She can love you both and it shouldn’t be a competition. Feel happy for your daughter that she feels loved by and loves your husband. She is with you most of the time, of course she will be excited when daddy is home.

My daughter also favours my husband- so three and a half years. That’s ok, I certainly don’t tell him off for it

I think you need to take a deep breath and try to relax and enjoy your time with both daughter and don’t compare with your husband. Find a hobby outside of the family

Do you need to keep doing things seperately? You say that during ice-cream she asked for her dad AND sister to join?

I think maybe if you just went out as a family more and agreed that DH would be carer for younger daughter and you had fun with older one or might be better? She may feel pushed out as you say this happened since new baby came? So maybe she needs to feel preferred around your other DD rather than alone time?

By pushing them apart I don't think you are helping the situation? You say you wouldn't want him to have to change but twice in the comments you have said that you asked him to back off?

Maybe try more family activities where you are the 'fun' parent too, and just make sure you agree with DH before that he will be the authoritarian parent.

bedtime in our house is equally split, and the other parent doesn't interfere. If DH is doing bedtime I keep out of the way as much as possible. If DD says 'but I want you to do stories' I say firmly - 'no, it's Daddy's turn tonight, he loves reading to you'. She will tend to gravitate towards me if I'm there so I make sure I'm not there - and that means ensuring they have whole days together - so I go out by myself or visit my mum.

Are you a SAHP is it just that DH aid a bit more novel or she feels she has to share you with a baby?
Kids go through stages.
you are massively massively overthinking and overreacting about this. Maybe she’s realised and is acting up to it as a way to push your buttons?

My eldest only had eyes for my husband until she was around 6. He was the centre of her universe and I was just there to make sure their universe existed. I felt invisible and unloved by my daughter.

Looking back I can't see a single moment/event that started shifting things but by the time she was 8 my husband was on equal footing with me. Now he's in the cold looking in on our 12 year old trying to find her place in the world and leaning heavily on me as her mother to help her. He's finding it incredibly difficult to have lost that intense trust and connection and is finding it even more difficult not to blame me for it.

For the record, my parenting never actually changed. I've just always been the boring steady parent that gets stuff done without drama or fun

DD2 is currently at her obsessed stage with my husband. Even though I know it wore off with my eldest it still hurts like hell that I'm only here for practical stuff in her eyes. My husband is also finding it a little bittersweet because he remembers this phase with our eldest and is hoping that he's not phased out in the same way.

We are both working hard as parents to not let our daughter's preferences be set in stone. I make a point of doing fun things with the youngest and he makes a point of doing fun things with the eldest.

It's bloody difficult. I just keep telling myself that my girls have only done the daddy obsession because they know they have 100% security in my love and support for them so they could afford to ignore me. I think my husband is finding being frozen out by our eldest now far more difficult. He sees her on the cusp of becoming a young woman and how she feels now is going to shape how she sees us as an adult. My advice to him is the same. Keep loving her, keep being there for her even when she's angry a lot at the moment...hormones are crap and they'll find a new version of their relationship that works for both of them.

Hang on in there xmasbamechange. Your daughter is only starting out on her journey to grow up. I'd be very surprised if the dynamics of how she sees her parents doesn't change as she starts developing friendships, seeing how other people's relationships work and just generally growing up. I know it's heartbreaking but you can do it.

Ah this thread has helped me so much, I had a big falling out with my teenage daughter this morning as she was being her normal obnoxious self, then I felt like a crap Mum, I now see it’s just a phase and I must stay calm, easier said than done

For instance this bedtime situation, when he says goodnight to her downstairs why is it necessary for him to then come up again after I have done bedtime to then do his own little bedtime for 5mins?

5 more minutes of saying goodnight to a daughter he is a great dad to, what on earth is wrong with that? This is what happens in our house. It’s nice chatting with your child as they go to bed. I can’t believe you are asking him to back off from your DD just to spare your feelings.

So his feelings trump hers? She is trying to bring some balance into the situation. I know (because I've got eyes in my head, and also that DH has pointed it out) that DD will always gravitate to me - so I put my feelings to one side and get out of the way so he can have some proper time with her, just the two of them. And they have a great relationship, as do I with her.

You do seem rather competitive about your daughters affections. Is your jealousy what you want your child to see? Is it not healthier she sees you both acting like a good team? It’s not a competition between your husband and yourself, you are both involved in bringing up your children. Kids naturally gravitate from one parent to another across the course of their childhoods. Agree with other posters, can you not accept this as a phase, and try to chill a little?

Just to answer a few points that have been made...

We do lots and lots of stuff together as a family, every weekend in fact. When the baby came along is when I started saying that I would like to spend an hour here or there with her just us because I am conscious that for a long time she was the only child. She could have resented her sister when she was born but she is absolutely wonderful with her and I thought it was important to sometimes give her my sole focus.

I don’t know why someone felt he need to tell me to gets a hobby? I have plenty hobbies, friends and interests. Why would that stop me from feeling rejected by her?

ItsAllGone19 everything you have just said makes complete and total sense. This is actually something my husband has said he worries about happening. We can see the pattern repeating with our younger DD, she’s a Velcro baby at the moment but he thinks that it will shift again and our older DD will gravitate back towards me in a few years as she becomes older. He won’t respond like me though, he’s far to logical. I am quite insecure, I’m very aware of that. I think it also has to do with the fact that I was so unbelievably close with my mum but butheads with my dad for most of my childhood. It was only when I became a mother myself that I became much closer with my dad. Don’t get me wrong I ALWAYS loved him but we just didn’t get on, I’m not so worried about her favouring her dad, I just don’t want it to become how it was with me and my dad.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino this is how I feel. I’m not trying to stop their relationship, I’m trying to make some room for me as right now I don’t feel there is much.

Railworker she genuinely does not see any of this. We never ever discuss it in front of her and I always act very blasé about her preference for him over me in front of her so I don’t think it does have much effect. In front of her we are always a team. I know I need to chill out, really I do but after so long and so little change it’s really hard.

When it originally happened I will admit that I took it badly. I had originally thought it would be a phase that would shift after a few months but it didn’t. I did start to get quite confused and upset and started searching for something I was doing wrong, she did start to pick up on it and when I realised I immediately stopped, that was at least 9months a go.