DD preferring DH

[xmasbamechange]

I really need to get this out and I’m wondering if anyone can help me with some insight if they’ve been through this and come out the other side!

I have a DD6, when she was little she was definitely a mummy’s girl. Over time between the ages of about 18months-4 I would say that there wasn’t a preference between me and daddy, she just preferred each of us for different things. Ever since the age of around 4 and a half it’s like I have vanished, I literally feel like I could leave tomorrow and she genuinely wouldn’t care or notice. I am honestly not saying this in a way that I’m looking for reassurance and for people to say ofcourse she would, I 100% believe this. She doesn’t want me for anything, would never chose to do anything with me over her dad and I’m just at a loss. I have all but given up on attempting to take her to bed because no matter how many time I do it she will still be sad because she wants her daddy and I don’t want to force her to want me. The disappointment on her face when I say I’m taking you tonight literally rips my heart in two, I can’t bare it. Any time I say come on let’s us do something together it’s like she’s itching for it to finish so she can be with him. Anytime we watch a film together she will only sit with him. As time has gone on I feel like it’s gotten worse whereas I hoped it would be a phase. I’m at a loss. I’m worried because I also think it will either make my younger DD jealous that they are a twosome and push her away from her dad and will end up making her dad feel how I feel about her older sister OR she will copy.

I know this is ridiculous but I am just at a loss, it is making me desperately unhappy. I love my little girl but I don’t feel she loves me anymore. Aibu to be this upset?

I was like this about my dad. My mum was a sahm and I just took her for granted tbh and saw him as the fun one. My mum said she didn’t mind because she knew how important she was to us and was happy that we were happy - she was a very secure person though.

Both of mine went through phases of being all for daddy and then I figured out that I was doing all the disciplining. I told my husband that it’s not fair that I’m the bad guy and he’s the good guy! Once he started having joint responsibility with me they soon realised that actually he’s not much more fun than her 😂.

TeddybearBaby see this is something I definitely struggle with. I will admit I am rigid in my routine, it eases my anxiety. He is a lot more flexible. So when the clock hits 6:45 I’m thinking right it’s time to start making our way upstairs for bath and bed. He will never be the one to say it, if I leave it it will not even occur to him to look at the time. He doesn’t seem to be that bothered about a bedtime, 20mins here or there doesn’t bother him. So then I constantly look like the buzzkill.

I am the first to admit my faults, I am not secure. As I’ve gotten older I’ve developed anxiety and feel extremely insecure. I’m not sure of myself. I’m a good mum, I know I am, I love them with everything in me and would do anything for them and always had such a good time with her and I think that this rejection has hit me hard. I’m normally quite logical but in this scenario I am not.

I think I’m just not sure how to navigate this situation anymore. I feel like the more I try and get her to spend time with me the less she wants to but if I completely back off she will literally not acknowledge me and it’s heartbreaking.

It’s worth nothing that during half terms our relationship blossoms. Spending that time together just us, it’s like she remembers who I am and that I’m fun and then she gets back in to school routine and it al goes back and we take 10 steps back.

She's allowed to love whomever she loves and there is no rule that she has to love both parents equally.

OP you need to really take a step back here or you will end up smothering your DD and your demands for her love and attention will result in her resenting you. To be honest you are sounding a bit self obsessed. Your child is happy and secure, yes her relationship with your DH is OTT but generally this changes over time.

The best thing you can do in this scenario is just be a 'good' mother, give her enough love, attention and support so that when she does want to spend more time with you (and she will) it isn't a chore for her.

Try to do things as a family and not separately - your DH should support you in this, even though he is currently basking in this adoration.

Even a child will sense your hurt and anger and they wont like to be around it.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I went through it, I know its hurtful but its really not about you,

Why is it such a big deal? You have a partner, another child, presumably you have relationships with family, friends and colleagues.

It was the opposite for us- dd was such a mummy’s girl that I couldn’t even leave her with dp to go to the toilet when she was a toddler. She’d scream and fight him to get to me, which meant I had 0 social life and dp was heartbroken.

Dp lost his job and when she was 2 I went to work instead, and at first it was awful, she’d sit at the window and scream for me. The first day he rung me in a panic saying I’d have to come home as she was making herself sick. Unfortunately we needed the money and I had to go to work. But it worked out well, as dd gradually realised that daddy was actually lovely and he loved making a bond with her. It’s sad that I had to physically leave the house for them to be able to bond, but if I was there she wouldn’t even look at him.

She’s 6 now and is still a real mummy’s girl but she loves her dad. He works again and I’m on maternity, but she is happy to be left with dp if I need to go anywhere, although he constantly gets “when’s mummy back. Mummy doesn’t make my sandwich like that. Mummy reads the book in this voice..” This baby’s a boy so we’ll see what happens! I feel for you though op I hope it improves.

I was a Daddy's girl. That's just how it was. We loved animals, cartoons and had the same sense of humour and thirst for knowledge. I don't get what is wrong with this?

I was like this with my parents as a young child. I think it was mainly because my dad worked full time so wasn’t home a great deal, whereas my mum was a SAHM so home all the time. It was more of a novelty seeing my dad so I wanted to spend a lot of time with him when he was around. Plus, my mum was the disciplinarian whereas my dad was the ‘fun’ parent. I was a right daddy’s girl from 18mo till I was about 10, and then my dad become the stay at home parent and my mum went back to work.

I’m now 22 and close to both parents, but I’d say I’m closer to my mum now. We’re best friends.

Oh, and I’m more like my dad in terms of personality and what I like to do for fun. We both love reading and drawing, whereas my mum finds it boring.

my eldest is a daddy’s girl, always has been,she is now 15. it used to hurt but over the years it is apparent that she does love and need me for things but i will always be second ( or third, or fourth depending on who is around)
i don’t actually have an issue with this as i see that the kids are independent of us , as long as they remain safe and know that they are loved then they can have a preference.
i have other kids and they share more with me but do also share a lot with their dad, although the second one does get jealous of the dad and 1st daughter relationship. husband does not really see it and states he treats them all equally.
it is hard but do not let it eat away at you as it is you that will suffer .
my hubby as a routine without fail still goes and says goodnight individually and checks on them in the morning before he goes to work. He has always done this regardless of who has put them to bed.
Enjoy the fact that they are close.

I believe that you will be giving off nervous / anxious energy and your daughter will pick that up. Sounds like your husband is chilled so probably easy to be around. How about working on your anxiety? What do you do to help with that? I think meditation might help and just let go a little, accept that your best is good enough, that you’re a great mum, you love your children, you can’t control how other people respond to you so let go of the control, just do your best, it is always enough.

I would also speak to your husband as well, sounds like you need some support from him x

Op I have this but the other way round. My nealy 3 year old ds adores me but won't have anything to do with his dad and tells him to go away most days! He will go to him but only of he needs something doing or if I have completely left the house. My dh is a bit heartbroken. I keep telling him it's just a phrase and will pass, he is still so small etc... My ds also massively prefers one sister over our two other children. This is even worse. The other two feel really left out. At this age you just can't win. They just want what they want.

If you search on youtube for videos of Daddy coming home - there are hundreds!!

You're at home all day, they only get a short time with Daddy.

My mother used to try to make me jealous so that I'd want to go to her - she was that obsessed! I wouldn't be jealous, just upset. She used to use my little sister. I'd be playing on my own or something, and she'd start making a fuss of my sister to see if I'd react. If I didn't, she'd tell me I was jealous of the baby!
Apparently at night when I woke I'd call out for my Dad. If Daddy came, he was so calm, tuck me in, tell me there were no monsters and was just nice. If my mother came, she'd rage in like a bat out of hell and shout at me to go to sleep! Of course I always called for Daddy!

I'm not saying you're like that, but that's why I preferred my Dad.

It sounds like a lot of pressure is being put on your 6 year old to make you feel loved and wanted, I think you need to take a step back and look at your own behaviour.

My daughter has just turned 7, she is a daddy's girl, and like your daughter, she wants daddy at night and loves doing activities with dad etc, it doesn't mean she is rejecting me, we still do things together and I'm understanding of her bond with her dad. For instance, I picked her up from school today and we needed to go shoe shopping, she cried and said she missed her dad so I gave her a cuddle and reassured her, we finished shopping and now she is happily playing with her dad.

Don't ask your husband to break that bond, it is precious. Just try and chill out and let her come to you and stop analysing every situation.

he thinks our relationship is fine and that the reason she wants him is because when he walks in from work she’s already been with me for a couple hours.

This jumped out at me. He’s not there as often and is therefore more of a novelty, whereas you’re part of the furniture (if I can put it like that!).

Plus - kids change. It was always DD1 - mummy’s girl/DD2 - daddy’s girl in our house for a long time. Now they’re that bit older, it’s shifted a lot. Even if she does “prefer” your DH for now, you may get your turn in the sun next year. Please try not to worry too much about it (although it’s understandable to find it difficult).

I'm a single parent, so there was no 'competition' for me, though my mother always wanted dd to want her (no surprises there!).

Dd was always very outgoing so loved visitors coming and would run to them. She would happily go off with my cousins for a night from a young age.

If we went to another house however, dd would sit on my lap until she had surveyed the situation long enough to feel comfortable exploring. I'd be trying to pass her off to someone else while I ate or something, but until she felt comfortable in the environment, she hung onto me for dear life. By the end of the visits, she wouldn't want to come home!

With her childminder, she used to kick and scream when I'd be trying to take her home after work. There were so many children there, so much fun, and I was going to bringing her home, giving her supper and getting her to bed (a bit boring when you're 1).

I never thought that dd loved her childminder more than she loved me though. I was just boring old Mammy - after an exciting day with high-jinks at her childminders.

Maybe just focus on being more relaxed with dd, so that she's not picking up on bad vibes from you.

Take no notice of it. It is a phase - one of many others to come. But........

Are you feeling like an inadequate parent? Do you agree about routines and discipline? Rather than being in competition for your child's favour, you should be finding ways of pulling together to create a structure in her life. If a child senses that something she is doing is driving a wedge between you - and honestly they do notice this! - they will play on it to their advantage.

Thank you so much for all of your comments, honestly it has been so helpful I can’t even tell you.

I genuinely genuinely know that my daughter is very unaware of my feelings, I am so so conscious of it and I make sure it stays that way. She doesn’t feel an ounce of pressure from me and that won’t change anytime soon. There isn’t any bad feeling between me and DH about it either, on a day to day basis as I previously explained he is so unbelievably supportive of the situation. So for example the other day I told him I was feeling abit down about it when he was on his way home from work and when he got home he’d stopped off at Tesco and bought a fairy cake making kit so me and her could make them together. Where we have problems is that when we talk about it in private it sometimes starts to come out like I’m angry at him and blame him, which I truly don’t I just think that in certain situations he hasn’t “helped” but maybe my expectations are wrong.

It’s so reassuring to hear from people that are in the same position as me or people that have come out of this phase, it’s helped more than you know and has stopped me feeling inadequate and hopeful that there will eventually be an end.

Gah, I could have written your post. My DD is 3 and I think I know where the preferring daddy started (I have been ill for 2 years so couldn’t really do anything with her). It’s heartbreaking. You can’t seem to do right for doing wrong!
She’s perfectly fine with me when he isn’t around but it’s getting to the point where I just can’t spend time with DP and DD as she’s just pure mean to me (well, as mean as a 3yo can be)

I hope you find a solution soon! I’m going to read back all your replies

I went through a very similar thing when DD2 came to live with us, aged 1. (Both our DDs are adopted, they’re birth siblings, now 10 and 7).

DD2 bonded immediately with my DH and not with me. She wouldn’t let me cuddle her and when I tried to feed her she screamed and wouldn’t let me. This part was over within 2 weeks, but I’ve never forgotten how heartbreaking it was.

For the first couple of years, she would gravitate to my DH when he was around. I felt like I was second prize if he wasn’t around. (Although she was very clingy if it was just me.) It was very hurtful at times, though, like you, I’m sure she has no idea how I felt.

She’s moved on from that now, if anything she gravitates to me, though she’s happy whoever she’s with. (DD1 has always been a daddy’s girl but never in such an extreme way.)

But DD2 is really more interested in her friends now - that’s one way in which things will change with your DD, OP.

Lizzie48 what you’ve said has basically summarised it for me. I don’t mind that she is a daddy’s girl right now, it’s how extreme the situation is. When it’s just me and my DD’s and DH isn’t here it’s like nothing changed and in fact she can be really clingy.

Today has actually been a good day, this morning when she came in she snuggled up to me and this evening she asked me to come with her when she got ready for bed so we could talk.

If you are worried about being a routine buzzkill can you set an alarm on your phone with a distinct song that everyone knows it’s bee/bath time? Then your husband can start to get them moving

I just thought I would update just incase anyone is in the position I was as it was so so upsetting. It did eventually get better!! We definitely started making improvements towards the summer holidays and by the summer we were in a much much better place and were close again. Now everything is so much better and feels normal, it’s like it never happened. She’s close with the both of us and it feels really great.