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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is the point of trying to make friends if no one is interested?

103 replies

krustykittens · 07/05/2019 12:45

Sort of a thread about a thread. A poster was saying they ignored at a children's birthday party and a lot of people replied saying it was probably nothing personal, that by adult hood most people have all the friends they need and are not interested in widening their social circle. Do most of you find that is the case? If so, what is the point then of volunteering and getting involved with your community when you move some where new? I find myself in this position and after reading that thread the other day, I honestly think I should just give up and resign myself to becoming a hermit!

OP posts:
Bananacloud · 07/05/2019 12:50

I’ve been in the city I’m living in for 6 years and yet still have no friends.
I’ve volunteered in various places and also attend playgroup, but still, no friends 😬

DanielRicciardosSmile · 07/05/2019 12:50

I wonder the same myself sometimes.

rosydreams · 07/05/2019 12:51

i get this feeling no one seems interested in making a effort.I have tried but no one i speak to seems interested in getting to know me.I guess its true unless you have friends by a certain age your stuck.You get used to it eventually although it would be nice getting out with other people

Original poster
krustykittens · 07/05/2019 12:53

I have moved a lot over my life time and always felt I was good at making friends. Not everyone will like you but I have always made the effort to talk to people wherever I find myself. Perhaps I am past the sell by date for making friends in the new place? I am getting used to it but sometimes the isolation is a bit crushing, if I am honest. I would love to be able to go for a coffee with some one and just talk to someone else.

OP posts:
peanutbutterismydownfall · 07/05/2019 12:54

After living where we live for 18mths or so, I became much more targeted. If I found out someone had grown up in the area and had lots of family here, I moved on. If I found out someone had just moved here without really knowing anyone, I was very friendly & helpful whilst trying not to appear like a desperate psycho!
I still offer more invitations than I receive but I have come to terms with that.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/05/2019 12:54

Meh, idont get the concept of too many friends.

I have friends from highs hook, uni, college, my volunteer job, my old paid job, NCT.

I'm still friendly to the Moms at the school gate, offered one a spare ticket to go to a show with me, will asort play dates out for summer.

I don't need to be rude to people because all my friend vacancies are filled.

Keep trying OP, there's nice people out there too

Original poster
krustykittens · 07/05/2019 12:58

SleepingStandingUP I don't get the concept of too many friends either!

Peanutbutter Yep, I am afraid I am going the same way. We live rurally and I am beginning to assume that anyone local is not going to want to know me. It's taken longer to sink in for me though, nearly three years!

OP posts:
Lisalouisa · 07/05/2019 12:59

Been in this new area for 9 months and made the beginnings of friendships. Don’t give up!

Il0

cakeandchampagne · 07/05/2019 13:00

If you volunteer or get involved in the community in something you are truly interested in, then it will be enjoyable even if you don’t make a close friend.
Keep saying hi and being yourself.

Polarbearflavour · 07/05/2019 13:01

I tried to make friends with a friend of DH’s. Both military wives, professional jobs, same kind of age. Nope! Not interested.

I did an evening course at college. Everyone was nice, I chatted to people but no lifelong friends - they were very different people to me.

Meh. I don’t really like people or have much interest in them so not going to bother. Most people I meet are nice enough but not really friendship material.

ICantBelieveIDidThis · 07/05/2019 13:01

I've only just managed to Meet-Up with a local group yesterday.

We went on a treasure trail hunt meant for children.

Although we had a good time, these meetings are few and far between and it's a slow start to making good friends.

How people cope in rural areas is beyond me.

Sorry, OP. Nothing useful.

user1474894224 · 07/05/2019 13:04

I've lived here for ever and will always talk to someone new. Especially if you see them a few times...say in the playground or at swimming etc. I love finding out about people and love to make a new friend. Not in a weird way...but people do move around these days so if you don't make new friends then how can you keep a nice circle. Sometimes you click with new people sometimes you don't. What I like though is to see the effort returned....so if you said we should get coffee one day then that would be great. Life lived without interacting with our community is lonely and what's the point.

recall · 07/05/2019 13:04

I was like you ...and just randomly made an awesome best friend one morning on the school run...I just asked if she was playing squash and she offered me a game ...I had been feeling very lonely since moving here.

Polarbearflavour · 07/05/2019 13:05

Oh and I went to a couple of coffee mornings for military wives. They all had children with them. I don’t have children yet.

They were all perfectly nice ladies. But I didn’t gel with any of them and once they found out DH was an officer (rather than an NCO or other ranks) they weren’t quite as friendly, inverted snobbery is a thing in the military.

🤷🏻‍♀️

recall · 07/05/2019 13:06

I must add that that was after several false starts with people and a lot of effort ...but it just wasn’t right

Onescaredmuma · 07/05/2019 13:10

I'm nervous about this as I'm about to move back home I have no friends left there we kind of all spread to the winds I'm still in contact with some but they no longer live there. It took me 5 years of living here to make lovely friends and I don't want to leave them and start again Sad

The plus side is I've managed it once we moved at 24 I was 29 I met people that I really clicked with here I'm nearly 34 now and we've been close for nearly 4 years so even if it takes a while to find your people hopefully it will happen.

Annieandboys · 07/05/2019 13:17

I've moved 250 miles away to live in Wales, where dp is from. I am deep in the valley and basically everyone knows everyone. It's very close knit and I feel very much an outsider, I don't even like to speak as I just feel so alien. I have 2 extremely close friends back home and a lovely supportive family, I almost feel so bitter about being here that I don't want to make friends. I feel stuck in these mountains day after day after day. I have SILs nearby and they promise to do things but it never happens.
I find people here very brash and overly confident, they see me, a reserved, quiet person and either assume I'm stuck up or just strange.
Never knew what loneliness was until I moved here, worst decision I've ever made.

fizzysci · 07/05/2019 13:19

I have lived here for 15 years and still have no friends

WeeBitSleepy · 07/05/2019 13:38

peanutbutter
yes, agree this is the best approach.

sailboatwopsle · 07/05/2019 13:40

I hear ya OP. I posted a similar thread, slightly different angle just the other day.

If you advance search this UN you can find it.

ThatsTheLastISawOfHim · 07/05/2019 13:48

I think the "too many friends" thing is about having time for people. When people have a circle of close friends, they need time and attention. Adding more people in to be friends with is a demand on people time which, let's be honest, no one seems to have enough of! I certainly don't see the friends I already have enough, nor family. My DS is still a baby yet, in a few years add in school friends birthdays, weekend sports I'll be spread even thinner. However, in various times in my life friends jave come and gone. I've lost some uni friends along the way and other friends that moved city. Now I have a baby I'm reaching out to more mummy friends but they don't come in a ready made package and I guess I'm lucky I have ds to help me meet people. Anyways, no real advice, just wanted to share my thoughts on the "too many friends" comment.

PlumCakeChica · 07/05/2019 13:53

We’ve moved a lot and it takes me ages to make friends. I work very pt from home so that doesn’t help. I made one friend in the park chatting about dogs but she’s just moved away.

I’ve stopped making an effort so much. I’m becoming a recluse!

annie that’s sad. Any chance you could move back?

Millie2018 · 07/05/2019 13:53

I read the thread about the birthday party. I have a 2 pre school aged children. We go to lots of groups and I see mums from the one that is at nursery. I’ll be honest, I resist friendships from people in these circles. It’s nothing personal. It’s mostly the fact that I’m soooo tired and it takes energy to be on your game. I don’t particularly want to do play dates because that involves tidying up my house like a mad woman. I also don’t have a lot on common with them apart from my children. I find they just want to compare what they are doing with what you are doing. Want to have a nose at where you live etc. It sounds mean spirited but to be honest, I’m just trying to get through each day without one of my kids falling on their face/whacking another kid/eating their dinner. I don’t have the energy right now to try and build new friendships.

user1496259972 · 07/05/2019 14:16

I’m 35, not moved around much and am crap at making friends. I’d always happily make new ones, I’m just no good at it!! I have one close friend from childhood and a few long term friends from a hobby and that’s it.

barryfromclareisfit · 07/05/2019 14:28

Annie, I am sorry you are in that position. You feel so strongly, I can’t see you staying. In the meantime, do all the ‘Wales’ things you can think of, make good use of the time. And plan your exit.