What is the point of trying to make friends if no one is interested?

[krustykittens]

Sort of a thread about a thread. A poster was saying they ignored at a children's birthday party and a lot of people replied saying it was probably nothing personal, that by adult hood most people have all the friends they need and are not interested in widening their social circle. Do most of you find that is the case? If so, what is the point then of volunteering and getting involved with your community when you move some where new? I find myself in this position and after reading that thread the other day, I honestly think I should just give up and resign myself to becoming a hermit!

Making friends is such a subtle and difficult thing in adulthood
You have to be open but not too open
Interested but not needy
Available but not a walkover.
The trick, certainly in the UK, is not to need friends. One whiff of wanting to make a friend and people back away as though you were wearing a dynamite vest.
So, my advice would be to volunteer because you believe in the cause, join a class because you are interested in the subject, do a hobby because you are passionate about it.
Friends will naturally follow.
But if they dont, it is possible that you are not giving off a receptive vibe. The mum at the school gate, if I recall correctly, acknowledged she stood on her own and looked at her feet, waiting for people to talk to her. Never going to happen
Not In this country

I think you are confusing 2 different perspectives.

People not actively looking for new friends and people being resistant to making new friends.

I have moved a few times and imho most people fall into the first group. It's not that they don't want you as a friend they are just not actively looking whereas you are, so there is a bit of a inbalance in the relationship for a while where they wouldn't notice if you came or not but you would miss them if they skipped a week.

However if you keep attending the group, volunteering, or whatever you do you will see each other more, get to know each other better, start to have an impact / be considered one of the group etc. It does take time as the other people are not in a rush to make new friends.

As I said I have moved a few times. I join groups, volunteer, smile at everyone in supermarket and playground. Mostly I do this at the start because it's lonely when you move to a new town and I find it helps to fill my life with social situations. After a few months I usually find I have made lots of aquantances, we might chat after yoga or share a lift to a volunteering opportunity, chat about the weather in the playground.

Out of all those acquaintances, most will stay acquantances which is cool as it always good to have someone to pass the time of day with or share an embarrassed smile with as we run into school with dc on the last minute. But I might also make a couple of friends who I have something more in common with; maybe see a movie with that dh doesn't want to go to or grab a beer / wine after yoga to toast a birthday, or meet for a dog walk on Sat morning.

I am generally introverted and quite shy so i am not great at putting myself out there and arranging coffee mornings, nights out etc.. but I always find new friends. It just takes time, you just have to be patient, be open to whatever kind of friendship is on offer and hang in there.

That's sad :( I natter to everyone. It's great to make new friends.

ChilliMum - I think your advice is excellent. It does just take a bit of time. Get chatting to lots of people, preferably with a common interest and you'll realise which ones could be good. Inviting for a coffee or a quick drink and you become good friends.

I do think people are a bit put off by overkeen. Interested but desperate is the way to play it.

Not desperate, obviously!

I've lived here 15 years and have no friends.
But I've got a friend of 22 years (not that close see each other as couples monthly).
Not from here.
I had 1 best mate during high school. Lived near, went to different school.
I don't click with many people, but I'm ok with that now.

No luck after 10 years but I don't take it personally . Starting to find online social life now.

How are people meant to know you want to be actual friends with them though and not just make small talk at the group/school gate etc?

Genuine question.

I will be friends with anyone, I honestly don’t mind making new friends but I’m not looking to make friends if that makes sense. I already have lots of friends so I don’t stand in the school play ground trying to make friends. I chat if someone chats to me etc but I wouldn’t presume that means you are trying to make friends... more like your just trying to pass the time ?

@UnicornDust9 if they suggest getting together they want to be friends. 'do you have time for coffee?' 'we should go and see that' etc etc

The point of volunteering and getting involved in your community is that among the people who are doing purely because they are interested in the cause, there will be people who are also looking to extend their friendship circle - certainly a higher proportion in that category than there will be, eg, at the school gate.

It may not be a comforting thought but my experience is that it's easier to make friends from 50 on - perhaps as children aren't demanding so much attention.

Join a church - you will meet lots of friendly people there.

If i'm in one place long enough (job, school run, group ect) i will make friends. Once i move on though i am shite at keeping in touch and i'll end up alone again until i'm doing something in the same place for a while. It's never occured to me before but now I'm a SAHM with no job for the first time and have moved to a new village and i find i'm quite lonely.

DD4 started reception last sept and i've chatted to various mums, hoping i can click with someone. There is one mum ... we've chatted a fair bit and she's mentioned she lacks friends ... i'm waiting for the next chance to try to initiate something. I'm rather worried that the whiff of desperation off me will scare her away though

I’ve volunteered in a school for a year as a classroom volunteer. I’ve not made any friends through that either! The staff room can be quite cliquey.

I've never really made friends other than online in 'real life'. I think sometimes there are people you meet who are civil to you but don't respond to overtures to friendship because they don't feel any need to widen their circle, but it's only some of the time. Tbh, I think a lot of the time we give up too easily - if someone doesn't respond super enthusiastically or isn't able to get together the first time we ask, we assume they're not interested and feel embarrassed and give up, but it's not really likely that they just don't like us somehow

I feel the same, op. Something being an adult is lonely. I hope my child is better than I am at this socialising lark. I don't want them to feel lonely. I miss my old work colleagues, but feel the moment has passed and it's too late to rekindle those friendships.

most people have all the friends they need
I don’t think this is true. I often find I join a group, whether it’s a hobby or mums at the school gate, and I’m ignored and marginalised. Then someone else joins after me and suddenly people are hugging them and inviting them out etc. I think most people are open to making new friends. They just don’t want to make friends with ME.

That hasn't been my experience. I met loads of people when my kids were little via groups and then school. Many of these people have become good friends. However, I think I was lucky in meeting particularly uncliquey people.

I say this on all these threads, but you can just be a poor match with a place. I’m a socially-confident person who has made friends all over the world, but this village has only yielded a few acquaintances in seven years, despite volunteering, joining everything, baby groups, child in school etc. All the friends I’ve made since living here have been via work, and I’ve had no difficulties there. I’m just not a good match for this village, and that’s ok.

Most people near me center their friendship group in their church. As an atheist it is frustrating. I did find an atheist group and a couple groups for some esoteric hobbies, but they are all in the city and that is far enough away that none of those relationships could translate to close friendships. Hobby groups locally just end up with the same people who already have church friends.

I posted on the party post. The problem is that people try to make friends with other parents at school etc when they have nothing in common other than their kids go to the same school. It makes more sense to try and forge friendships at something revolving around a shared interest where you'll actually have more in common with the people there.

I'd probably be considered a miserable fucker, but I generally like my own company. More so since I got older. I find it odd that people are so uncomfortable with being alone. But then I'm probably in the minority. I don't go into things looking for friendships, I do them because I enjoy them. Usually by myself.

@Annieandboys I was warned and warned and warned not to move to the valleys.

I only had problems of a major sort in the Rhondda valley. And that was a very weird little backwards village. Least said, the better. But everywhere I went, and the few different valleys I lived in (barring literally that one) we're amazing. I immersed myself with the people, the Welsh language (they love it when people give a shit) and I turned from someone who didn't say a word to anyone to someone who now having moved back to England, gets the "you talk too much in public" vibes from people! They'll only treat you as an outsider if they're not worth knowing, and many are worth knowing. There's just always one or two families in certain places who think they own the place because their grandpa's grandpa planted the tree opposite your house blah blah (Trehafod. Uppity cunty cunts).

OP, download the Meet Up app. It has saved my life.

It’s the nature of this time in life. We’re actually not free to make friends in a natural way. We’re often distracted by noisy demanding kids while trying to ‘bond’ with new friends. No nights out usually having experiences together that solidify friendships, no room in our lives to get together as hoc for quality friendship time.

It’s not surprising really,

Having said that I’ve made some decent friends in the last few years since moving here and having kids. But they’re not deep friendships yet!

I thin many people as they move through life make friends through shared interests. Sometimes as you change your friendship group changes as well.

Now I live in a city no one wants new friends & any overture I make is regarded with suspicion (which is odd when we've chatted lots & had stuff in common hence my we should do coffee some time) or 'I'm so busy' & a 20min coffee once in a blue moon. I've given up. Back home in a semi rural area I made friends everywhere, the corner shop, the library, walking the dog, shopping then volunteering at the charity shop etc. All women my age who had older kids nearly off their hands & were always up for coffee and a chat. I miss it.