What is the point of trying to make friends if no one is interested?

[krustykittens]

Sort of a thread about a thread. A poster was saying they ignored at a children's birthday party and a lot of people replied saying it was probably nothing personal, that by adult hood most people have all the friends they need and are not interested in widening their social circle. Do most of you find that is the case? If so, what is the point then of volunteering and getting involved with your community when you move some where new? I find myself in this position and after reading that thread the other day, I honestly think I should just give up and resign myself to becoming a hermit!

The thing is, I have tried volunteering at something I enjoy, I do a sport, I have a country life style. I tried to be welcoming to the neighbours, inviting them round for a cup of tea and a chat, no one took me up on it, I try to be a helpful person and I do try to get involved around here and to be the kind of person who joins in with their community. I live in a rural area and I thought that people would appreciate that we weren't being stand offish. My kids go to the local school and they have made friends and have settled, DH goes running almost every night and me? I look after all the animals and stare at the walls while DH is out running. I know some posters have said they are quite self sufficient but I am struggling having no one, not a single friend to just talk to. I am in contact with my friends from the previous area online but there are times I just want to TALK to someone! I had a serious car accident a couple of months ago and the people I volunteered with just said, let us know when you will be back. Everyone else, I just didn't exist for a while. I work from home and the isolation is getting to me. It has been three years now and I am so depressed I can barely make it to the end of my driveway. I feel like a failure in front of my children because every day they ask me how my day went and every day is exactly the same. Nothing has happened, I have spoken to no one. I feel like a loser in front of them. It doesn't help that my DH doesn't prioritise our relationship either - he's got his mates! My kids are in high school so it's not like I am trying to arrange play dates with people who are rushed off their feet with toddlers. I can't join a church, I am not religious so that would feel hypocritical. I am trying and I try not to sound desperate. Often people locally link with me on FB and I say happy birthday, chat on their posts etc, bt nothing is even leading to an acquaintance. I am very much on the outside. School is a nightmare, it is tiny and the parents have all known each other for yonks. They don't even make eye contact, never mind say hi! I am busy, I have lots to do with work, my family and the animals and we live on a small holding so there is always something to be done. I would just love to have someone to sit with and talk crap with over a glass of wine, you know? There is no leaving here for me, because everyone else in my family is really happy. So this is it. I am still trying but the heart has gone out of me a bit. I do agree with a PP, I don't think I am a great fit here, but I really don't know why. I wish I could figure out what is wrong with me that people find me so off putting! Annie I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I think we should both do as a PP poster suggested and download that app! Sorry everyone, I didn't mean for this post to be so long.

Sorry for the pity party. Thanks to everyone who replied, it does make me feel better that I am not the only one who struggles, which sounds like an awful thing to say! x

I’ve made about a dozen new friends in the last few years through a couple of niche interests, one through Meet Up. We’re pretty close, go on holiday together, text most days, etc. Not a single one has children. I find it hard to make friends with people who have a partner and kids, it’s like they’re too busy or already have their social unit thank you very much.

There are some rural areas where no outsiders will ever be truly welcome in to the fold. So don’t especially blame yourself, I grew up on the edge of the contryside but also right by the sea, a very beautiful place but they treated outsiders like crap. There was a deep suspicion. I would never live rurally again, I don’t care how pretty it is. I always say it was like that horror film Wickerman where I grew up.

I have moved away from my friends and currently live around zero friends and I have zero interest in making new ones. I have made a few acquaintances though my dc but didn't seek these out, they happened naturally due to familiarity.

I am busy with work, my own family and when I have time off I indulge in solitary interests of reading and Netflix and walking for exercise. To be honest I don't think I could fit friendships into my life, without increasing pressure on my valued free time.

I am very happy to see my friends 1 to 2 times a year.

I've moved a few times and have had very different experiences. I moved to London in my early 20s and found it very easy to make friends. I was going out a lot and meeting people all over the place, so it didn't take long to make a large group of friends.

Then I moved to Ireland where my husband's family are from. I thought it would be easy as Irish people are very friendly ( I am Irish myself). But I hardly made any friends there, most people had their group of established friends from school, and weren't interested in making more. It was fine, we had family around us.

Then we moved to Australia where we didn't know a soul. I decided I had to make a real effort, even though I'm fairly introverted. I put a message on facebook asking if anyone wanted to meet for coffee. Fifteen people turned up! That soon went down to six of us who met once a week for ages. I'm still good friends with two of them. But aside from that, I've found it very easy to make friends here, and not just Poms! So IMO it depends very much on where you move to!

No friends here either 😥 I used to have quite a few in my old town but I moved about 7 years ago and lost touch. I didn’t even really want to move to be honest.

I often find I join a group... I’m ignored... Then someone else joins after me and suddenly people are hugging them and inviting them out etc. I think most people are open to making new friends. They just don’t want to make friends with ME

Yes this is my experience. You always here the advice to get involved in things, and I agree this makes sense. But I've been involved in a few different things (volunteering, local music scene, gym, etc) for years - in fact over 10 years. Despite making an effort every time to talk to people, I'm still an outsider. People know me vaguely by sight but most don't know my name. I watch new people come along once and others run to hug and introduce themselves and exchange phone numbers. I've come to accept that it's me.

I think all you can do is try to enjoy activities independently. If you have a dp and dc at least that's better than nothing.

I think you need to build your confidence OP, and that you need more than friendship for you do that. You mustn’t feel like a loser in front of your children - that’s not right.

What can you do to build your confidence? The friendship thing will follow on from that.

You shouldn't set out to do an activity for the purpose of making friends as it looks as desperate as doing it to find a partner. First of all, be happy in your own company and find something to do because you enjoy the activity in itself.

No, not at all. I think people have busy lives with work/parenting (both), partners, single parenthood, other stuff....I think it's not that people aren't interested, it's that they just don't have the spare time to fully invest/grow a full fledged new friendship when life is pulling us every whichway, yet some people forget that and take it personally.

Maybe it's different for other people but the whole join a group, volunteer etc thing has never worked for me. I went through a miserable phase after uni trying this while expecting it to be like my experience of university societies and it just sucked.

I think because I had such faith in people's advice I found it crushingly disappointing. Would never do it again.

The fact is, whatever people say, the majority of the population aren't open to meaningful new relationships

I have tons of friends from all over. I’m always collecting more and love a new friend to get to know. I don’t really go out drinking much anymore and you might have to make do with a midweek early tea out but I always make an effort with people who make an effort with me.

I grew up abroad and arrived home at 16 with one friend from primary school. I ended up in an abusive relationship because of this as I had no other options so since then I’ve always made an effort to have lots of friends despite my relationship status. I’m very proud I’ve built up such a good but scattered group of friends.

I think it's straightforwardly appalling that your dh isn't helping with this by trying some coupley socialising. There are places where couples only socialise together and that's how women make friends. Not my thing but it can work.

Otherwise, this is why the Women's Institute exists. See if you have one within reach.

Apart from my school friends who I've known for decades, most new friends I've made as an adult are immigrants...I think often they are more open to new friendships because they are new to an area and so have to put in more effort than those who've lived somewhere all their life.

Also to add that the friends I’ve made the last 3-4 years have come from baby groups, the school gate when my son started nursery or work. I don’t think working at home suits you, could you get a part time bar job? I made loads of friends doing that when I was younger.

Weirdly I have made friends at baby group, I think you make friends either by bonding over a shared experience or having an ongoing mutual need.

Sitting in the same pub as a random group at different life stages because you all happen to be on meetup.com isn't the same

I work from home and the only place I made friends was at baby group. Still friends with a couple and now she is a teen via boot camp. Exercise groups seem to be good for friendship.

I moved 500 miles away from my home and friends 6 years ago and have made one friend! A casual friend. Unfortunately I live very rural and dont drive and work long hours so I don't get the chance to make friends. I miss my group of best friends who I've known for over 30 years. It's a lonely life.

I'm not good at making friends, but I always seem to find someone I gel with and become good friends with.

I imagine that it's quite hard to get into life long close groups or communities.
And sometimes you just don't have anything in common.
I got nobody from pre-birth classes, although I think time is also a factor. I need time to make friends.
It took me about 1 year to get on a friendly basis with 2 school mums when DS was at nursery.
But sometimes you find someone who will welcome you easily or you just click with.

My advice (if worth anything) is to find the "weakest link". Someone will be friendlier in those close communities. Invest in them, even if you don't have that much in common or you don't see yourself becoming life long friends.
Also find people who like their friends to be friends with each other.

Op, how far are you from a town or a city - any chance of meetup.com having some groups that are accessible to you?

Otherwise, as another pp has said, is there a Women's Institute reasonably nearby - they have some really interesting activities and even if you don't make close friends it would be somewhere social. A localish choir? (Though having said that, all these groups can have their own cliques and people who don't need or want new friends. But in a large group there is usually a variety, and one or two potential friends amongst.)

It's frustrating because within your 10 -20 mile radius there's bound to be someone who is in your position who would like a new friend - but how do you find them? ! Working from home as well can get lonely - would you be able to change that, maybe work part-time outside the home or is that impractical?

It’s sad some people saying they have no friends. I’ve always lived in a village and everyone speaks and has a little chat. What about a new hobby? A local keep fit type class? Reading group? Ladies walking group? ( I’ve just joined and it’s lovely and welcoming), I’ve also joined wi and found that to be REALLY welcoming. Lots of spin off groups and activities ...badminton crafting and gin theatre and cinema ... it’s not just for old people! I’m amazed how welcoming they are and chatty.

A few years ago I realised that I was lonely as I wanted to go out and about and have a social life but had no one to do that with. I heard about meetup and it changed my social life completely. I have made some good friends along the way, some acquaintances too and met lots of interesting people. For me meetup was better than volunteering etc as we were there to share the same interest which, in my case, was based around a social activity.

"I miss my old work colleagues, but feel the moment has passed and it's too late to rekindle those friendships."

Threeandabit, if you'd really like to be back in touch, I'd give it a go - rekindled friendships can work. Start off low key with a 'hi how are you, it's been ages' text rather than a full blown 'would you like to meet up'! and see how things go. I'd prepared to meet a blank wall, but it's worth a try!