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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is the point of trying to make friends if no one is interested?

103 replies

krustykittens · 07/05/2019 12:45

Sort of a thread about a thread. A poster was saying they ignored at a children's birthday party and a lot of people replied saying it was probably nothing personal, that by adult hood most people have all the friends they need and are not interested in widening their social circle. Do most of you find that is the case? If so, what is the point then of volunteering and getting involved with your community when you move some where new? I find myself in this position and after reading that thread the other day, I honestly think I should just give up and resign myself to becoming a hermit!

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 08/05/2019 07:43

The answer seems to be that you need to have a special interest. I know a couple who have loads of interests - she's a talented artist, and does craftwork and needlework, he is good at photography, both like board games, cooking, travel, films, theatre, education and they are both always up for new interests.. They have loads of friends (I'm on the list of "old school friends"). In fact it all sounds exhausting, but maybe the answer is to join special interest groups?

kateandme · 08/05/2019 07:58

dont give up on going out and being social.
sounds to me too like how you coming over is lots to do with how your feeling less than confident in yourself right now so perhaps not seeming quite so open to people?
friendships eb and flo and move on all the time.so there will be gaps appearing for people everywherre.and look at how many people on here have said about making friends.this isnt a mumsnet vortex,these people are on the outside so they too will be looking to make friends with you.

kateandme · 08/05/2019 07:58

also going out there seeing people even feeling comforted by being around others is really eseential to your mental health and wellbeing so even if your havent your best friends yet.just try and be yourself with others and have a lovely time.

Vulpine · 08/05/2019 07:59

You can make friends at any stage of life. Dont give up.

Lizzie48 · 08/05/2019 09:47

It can be very hard at first in a new place and you can feel invisible. It feels as if everyone else has their friends and are not interested in making new ones.

But that really isn’t the case, there are always people who are looking for friends. I remember being very shy as a young person and didn’t have the confidence to approach potential friends. I later found out that other people thought I was standoffish when I was simply shy.

I now have plenty of friends from different stages in my life. It’s meant stepping out of my comfort zone and actually talking to people. It doesn’t always lead to being close friends, obviously, but you won’t make friends if you don’t make the effort to approach people yourself.

And it really isn’t too late to get back in touch with your former work colleagues; you should get back in touch with them. They’ll probably be thrilled to hear from you.

At the end of the day, life is too short not to give it a go. You have nothing to lose.

Unburnished · 08/05/2019 11:16

Its really difficult to make friends as an adult, especially if you dont have a partner or children. It’s especially hard if youve moved around a lot too as you dont have people in common to talk about (and most people want to talk about other people).

I think introverts have it hardest though as we’re not natural friend makers because of our reserve and quiet nature.

I think the answer is to just do one thing and see if anything sticks, such as go to a pilates class and be open and friendly for a while and see who you attract.

Im so glad I have a sister, if it werent for her Id hardly see anyone socially as my friends hundreds of miles away now.

gorbashthecat · 08/05/2019 18:04

I do feel so sad reading this, as it reminds me of how desperately lonely I felt moving to my current rural town (miles away from friends/family) when my DS1 was 6 months old.

I remember going out everyday to try and meet people and after a month I hadn't made a single acquaintance. It took time (and figuring out who was in NCT cliques so I could ignore them) and after a few months things started to improve.

I admire everyone here who has had to continue coping being that isolated for longer than that as it almost broke me.

I do have one suggestion for people struggling with loneliness; helping with befriending services via Age UK. I work in healthcare, and it's staggering how many people live feeling lonely, particularly some elderly people.

I know it's not the same thing as making friends at the school gate, but it could boost both your confidence and that of the person you're assigned to.

Anyway best of luck everyone Thanks

carro79 · 08/05/2019 18:43

most people have all the friends they need
I don’t think this is true. I often find I join a group, whether it’s a hobby or mums at the school gate, and I’m ignored and marginalised. Then someone else joins after me and suddenly people are hugging them and inviting them out etc. I think most people are open to making new friends. They just don’t want to make friends with ME.

^^This. It's happened to me a couple of times in the last few years, always with other mums from school, but I'm starting to think that might be where I'm going wrong, thinking that us having kids that are friends means we could be friends too - I'm learning it definitely doesn't work that way very often! Or maybe it's just me?! I've tried to be friendly with other mums and they are either not interested, or we get friendly and then they drop me for someone else!

I don't know how else to meet potential friends though, I work pt from home with my own small business so the school is my only way to meet people, I've looked into local groups for things I'm interested in, but they all seem to be for older people, not people in their 30's / 40's which is my age group.

I only have one dc so it's not like I have another opportunity to meet another group of mums a second, third etc time around either.

skybluee · 08/05/2019 19:01

i'm bookmarking this page.
sunnysummerdays that sounds amazing, i need to get involved with stuff like that.

very lonely at the mo.

skybluee · 08/05/2019 19:05

sorry, cut that off before i finished!
moved to an area of the country where i don't know anyone.
so i have friends just none who are near.
hoping to change this as we go into the summer.

Nacreous · 08/05/2019 19:10

I have to say when I joined my local WI, I actually actively said to people "oh I've only been here a year or two, I'm trying to make more friends outside of work, so if there's ever anything I could grab an invite for I'd love one" and then they'd invite me along to their pub quiz group or whatever and that sort of solved that problem. I also joined the committee which forced me to get to know more members. I think WIs can be a good option, because they often do have women looking to make friends in them.

lidoshuffle · 08/05/2019 19:11

There's all these dating sites and apps; wouldn't it be good if there was a friendship-making app? There's so many of us in the same position, not due to any failure of us a people, just circumstances.

It's even worse if you are single, as going to an event and standing round on your own like a social leper with nobody talking to you can be crushing. It's easier just to stay at home, perpetuating the cycle.

Unburnished · 08/05/2019 19:40

lidoshuffle there are quite a few friendship apps already - Bumble BFF for instance but apparently theyre just as brutal as Tinder when it comes to ghosting, dumping and nut jobs.

LordPickle · 08/05/2019 19:49

I know how you feel OP. I'm American and I've lived here 5 years and I only have 1 good friend whom I met less than a year ago. The first 4 years were very isolating because everyone I met already had their friendship groups and weren't interested in including me the way I wanted. I was invited maybe twice a year to some event but no proper friends.

Then I got drunk and posted on our village community FB page and that I was looking for mom friends and I got an overwhelming response. Lots of people that aren't moms responded too and said they'd love to meet up etc. I met lots of lovely women and I really clicked with one in particular and I consider her a true friend and I'm very thankful for her.

It may feel awkward but maybe you need to put yourself out there. I bet there are loads of women that feel exactly like you in your area. Wink

chocorabbit · 08/05/2019 20:03

It is behind a paywall.

"Kara Baskin said that being part of a couple presents obstacles in making friends. She described it as “like matchmaking for two.
....
After 30, people often experience internal shifts in how they approach friendship. Self-discovery gives way to self-knowledge, so you become pickier...

Manipulators, drama queens, egomaniacs: a lot of them just no longer make the cut.
....
You have come to grips with the responsibilities of juggling work, family and existing friends, so you become more wary about making yourself emotionally available to new people.
"

Why Is It Hard to Make Friends Over 30?

cakeandchampagne · 08/05/2019 20:47

Maybe you and your husband could get together with some of his friends & their wives?

carro79 · 09/05/2019 00:56

Chocorabbit - good article!

ImposterSyndrome101 · 09/05/2019 01:04

I make friends volunteering for and attending church events. It's great fun but you do have to go with a positive and 'bubbly' attitude popping up and saying hi, I've seen or not seen you around before I'm blah blah and then seeing how things go. It isn't easy but go in with the right mindset and don't get upset if they're not interested.

Wordie · 09/05/2019 03:48

Get a dog!

We moved to our area 5 years ago and didn’t make any close friends until we got our Labrador. Dog walkers talk to each other and you see them so regularly, it’s very easy to make friends. We have also made a few friends from being in the pub with our dog, it’s a great ice breaker.

ShinyShoe · 09/05/2019 04:24

I’m reading this thread with interest. I moved to a village from a city and I’ve found it awful trying to make friends. Really hard. I think I got unlucky in that most people grew up in the area so already have family and school friends so they aren’t really interested or need extra friends. In the city I found making friends easy as everyone was up for new connections and less judgey. I’d never move to a small village again.

Threeandabit · 12/05/2019 18:41

Thanks a lot, Invisableink. You are probably right. I am going to contact a few old friends on Facebook, and hope for the best. Flowers

malificent7 · 12/05/2019 18:57

I always find friendships a bit disappointing...i find women can be competetive and compare each other and its very wearing.

ilovesooty · 12/05/2019 19:06

I work from home now but make a point of seeing friends regularly. A house move has been positive for me and I'm still in touch with people from work I wanted to maintain contact with. The friendship group was one of the positives of the job.
As I've got older I like my own company too but I do feel that being on my own and divorced hasn't been any drawback to friendship.

Livelovebehappy · 12/05/2019 19:11

I have a couple of very close friends but then a few who I might not be in touch with for months at a time. Also I have worked with some people for years who I consider very good friends yet I don’t see them outside work, which is strange, but I guess because I spend so much time with them and chat at work, I probably would run out of things to talk about with them outside work.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 12/05/2019 19:17

Actually that's a really good point about people who remain in their home area not needing new friends.

I live in London, which has the reputation for being unfriendly, but have always found it easy to make friends here. It's probably because everyone comes from elsewhere, so everyone needs new friends. I can see it might be very difficult in a more settled area.