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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want revenge?

107 replies

BitterSweet678 · 06/05/2019 23:48

I know the best form of revenge is to hold you head up high, smile, and show them what they lost.

However, I’m hurt, angry, upset, confused and frustrated. Right now I’m channelling all that into revenge, which is the only thing keeping my head above water.

EXp cheated on me, formed a whole secret life behind my back for years. In that time I have supported his business, DC, and generally took on the responsibility for all his life. Stupid I know. I’ve been hurt in the past, never took revenge, but this time it’s different. He led me down a path of being happy, promises, a future, used me, betrayed me.

Firstly I can report his company for tax evasion? Which would also push him over the VAT threshold of being self employed. He takes so much cash, and also gets funds transferred into other accounts, to avoid tax and vat. He said this was to help his build out future, his business, more like fund his other life?

Tell his ex that he is only paying a 1/3rd of the CSA amount that she is due. This is a huge argument, and the DC suffer because of it. As she can’t afford clothes, food etc... I do think her lifestyle plays a part in this. But the exP always said it would help when he went for full custody, as she looks unfit!

Dump all his belongings in a charity bin? They are all paid for by me.

Shread all his personal documents.

Cancel all his car and van insurance which is all paid for my me, registered to my home, and I am also named on the insurances.

I know some of these seem extreme, and yes I am bitter. I have tried talking to him, but since the revelation of his affair he has gone NC. I just can’t shake this anger, is this something I will regret?

OP posts:

QueenOfPain · 06/05/2019 23:50

Go for it, but don’t do it, fuck all his life up and then decide that you want to reconcile because you’ll have to live with the results.

maddening · 06/05/2019 23:52

I would personally, give him notice via email about cancellation of payment for insurance and disposal of property so you have followed a process and let him have sufficient notice.

The vat and tax and child maintenance however - report at will.

Original poster

BitterSweet678 · 06/05/2019 23:53

@QueenOfPain
I don’t think there is a chance we would reconcile. Maybe in the first 2 weeks if he apologised I would have tried, but he’s made his bed and his choice.

OP posts:

6079SmithW · 06/05/2019 23:54

Oh gosh I'm so sorry 💐
I've been in this position and to be honest I don't think anything but time can make it better.
Be proactive but don't do anything rash. It's perfectly reasonable to cancel anything in your name/that you are paying for. Other than I'd hold back. It might feel good whilst you are destroying belongs/papers etc but it could well cause more trouble in the future.
Big hugs 🤗

Original poster

BitterSweet678 · 06/05/2019 23:55

@maddening
I gave him 7days notice to say that I was selling the joint business, and that he needed to make contact for his belongings. Hand delivered the letter.
All I got back was a text of his mum, saying do that again and the the police will be involved. Nothing more...

OP posts:

Chocmallows · 06/05/2019 23:56

I would:
Not get involved with finances unless you have clear data that can be sent anonymously and let agencies take further.
Stop paying for anything for him and remove his name from joint policies - he can take care of himself.
Bag his stuff up and ask a friend or family member to collect by a set date otherwise they will be donated.

True revenge is getting over the situation and prioritising yourself. It only happens when the anger-pain cycle has finished and the bitterness passes.

Original poster

BitterSweet678 · 06/05/2019 23:57

@6079SmithW
I do think time will help. It’s just living with it all is driving me mad.
It’s the DSC stuff that I would regret I think. His clothes and stuff I would probably enjoy.

OP posts:

IhavetoD0something · 06/05/2019 23:59

I believe that IN TIME you won't care enough to bother meting out justice, but - but in the mean time, i think that executing some ''redress'' can throw a few sandbags over board and rescue you in the short term so go for it. But don't do anything illegal because he might capitalise on it. The short term is important, cos it's now, and it hurts, so if it helps you now, do it, but knowing that you will be well able for the head held high chapter before too long. It helps you get there imo.

ihaddedto · 07/05/2019 00:00

Well the one about his ex is simply being kind, just not to him (you weren’t the OW we’re you OP, because she probably won’t want to know you/anything about you if you were? That is a positive, not a mean thing to do. There will be some collateral damage to him but it sounds like you’re concerned for an innocent party 😉
Also the tax evasion one .. it’s a serious crime and hell we have to pay our taxes? Where would we be if nobody paid their tax? He is conning all of us so again, not necessarily a negative thing to do.
The insurance one I’m not so sure about, because if he’s in an accident then an innocent driver/pedestrian could suffer financially because he isn’t insured.
Maybe cancel tonight but give him warning so that first thing in the morning he can get himself insured?

Original poster

BitterSweet678 · 07/05/2019 00:00

@Chocmallows
I thought the bitter stage would start easing off, it’s just getting worse.
Already tried contacting his family, to arrange collection. Nothing but abuse back, like he is the victim. He’s obviously spun a web of lies.
I have all the business paperwork and accounts which has all the evidence HMRC would need for tax evasion. Obviously his true earnings would also push him over the VAT threshold.

OP posts:

ihaddedto · 07/05/2019 00:00

It took me about ten minutes to type on phone

IhavetoD0something · 07/05/2019 00:01

cancelling all payments is not even a petty revenge. That's just financial sense.

Greeborising · 07/05/2019 00:03

I would put all his belongings including personal documents in bin bags outside and tell him to collect them or they’re going to the dump.
Cancel car/van insurance but again tell him so he can get it sorted.
Report his VAT avoidance (this winds me up) it’s anonymous and they’ll come down on him like a tonne of bricks.
I wouldn’t have anything to do with his ex tho. Telling her he’s cheaping on her just comes across as bitchy.
Hold your head high Bitter
This will pass, you are absolutely entitled to feel angry and bitter but don’t behave in anyway that will make you not like yourself

ihaddedto · 07/05/2019 00:05

Surely the DSC will benefit from you putting their mother in the picture regarding his finances? Or do you mean you have a relationship with them and you think you will kill it by doing this?

oneforthepain · 07/05/2019 00:06

Seem to recall a post from someone recently ish who had reported her ex to HMRC and was regretting it.

Don't do anything that leaves you open to problems, or that you can't justify.

Reporting tax evasion based on evidence (rather than jealousy, say, like people who try to report random people for fraud because they think their life is too nice) doesn't seem unreasonable....

JustHereWithPopcorn · 07/05/2019 00:07

Do it! I would

Original poster

BitterSweet678 · 07/05/2019 00:07

@ihaddedto
No I have a good relationship with the DSC bio mum, and wasn’t the OW. So I will let her know.

Yes I pay tax, everyone pays tax. Only because he had to fund two lives, he didn’t pay 😂 He is already gaining financially from our relationship, or should I say me, through his business. So he might as well suffer.

@IhavetoD0something Yes in time, I will prob sit back and think why did I bother. Right now I just hate the fact he has destroyed me, and that he is living life with the OW (who took him back). Even though I wouldn’t even let him breathe on my doorstep, never mind step foot back in here. Nothing illegal... as I have a profession which I could loose if I get on the wrong side of the law.

OP posts:

janetforpresident · 07/05/2019 00:11

Most of what you've said you should do but really you should have known better than to stay with a man who thinks it's ok not to pay for his own children.

You say you've supported his business but won't that put you in the frame if his company are reported? Definitely let his ex know he is underpaying, I would anonymously tip off csa actually and definitely cancel anything you are paying for. Think carefully before reporting his business as you suggest you have some involvement.

This may seem harsh but hopefully this will lead you to be a bit more discerning next time. If he's not paying for his own children, if he is hiding money from his ex's and not paying his taxes then his moral compass is off and it is likely to mean he won't always treat you well.

Original poster

BitterSweet678 · 07/05/2019 00:12

@oneforthrpain
I came across that thread. OP was back in touch with her ex and felt guilty. OP had cheated on ex, not the other way round, so there was some uncertainty of why she was out for revenge. I on the other hand have been screwed over, and the innocent party, and do not see any future relationship with my ex.

The insurances where one off payments, so not monthly. He was due to pay me back!

I would notify him but I’m blocked on all forms of contact.

OP posts:

BanditoShipman · 07/05/2019 00:16

How come you didn’t mind him ripping off his children while you were together ?? Doesn’t put you in a good light

AlunWynsKnee · 07/05/2019 00:18

Still send the message even if it bounces. Useful screenshot. Then cancel everything you pay for.
Put his documents on the doorstep with another screenshot of a warning text.
Clothes to charity particularly if you have receipts.

Original poster

BitterSweet678 · 07/05/2019 00:19

@janetforpresident
I’ve supported his business as my career works alongside his. So I’ve supported him in the terms of advice, getting him jobs, working with his Clients. All of the sevices that I have provided for Clients have been charged for directly, and I’ve done my own self assessment, disclosing all my earnings.

In the terms of hiding the money, I would never let him put money into my accounts, which he asked to do on several occasions. So he used other accounts and family members.

I admit I’ve been clouded. The stories he told me about the bio mum, (his ex) I’ve since found out they are not true. Claiming she would have spent the money on drugs and drink, and that’s why he never paid for his DC. Even though I had a good relationship with her, I was always wary of her. I’ve since spoke to her, and seen things from her perspective.

OP posts:

SpareASquare · 07/05/2019 00:19

I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation OP. I can totally understand the desire for revenge but it all seems so hypocritical when it was all ok while he was with you.

I'd like to think I wouldn't go along with benefiting from such dodgy behaviour at all, especially underpaying for the children. It does sound as though you were a willing participant until he left you.

I hope you find peace

Original poster

BitterSweet678 · 07/05/2019 00:20

@BanditoShipman
See above post...

He does pay for his DC but only about a 1/3 of what they would be entitled too, if the full amount of earnings was disclosed.

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 07/05/2019 00:21

Bag his stuff up. Chuck it over his fence. With a note saying any big/heavy items will be put in your garden for him to collect at his leisure in the next two weeks. Cancel any policies that you have for him (inform him in the previously mentioned note. Speak to his ex (but will it help her unless you can provide her with proof?).

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