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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want revenge?

107 replies

BitterSweet678 · 06/05/2019 23:48

I know the best form of revenge is to hold you head up high, smile, and show them what they lost.

However, I’m hurt, angry, upset, confused and frustrated. Right now I’m channelling all that into revenge, which is the only thing keeping my head above water.

EXp cheated on me, formed a whole secret life behind my back for years. In that time I have supported his business, DC, and generally took on the responsibility for all his life. Stupid I know. I’ve been hurt in the past, never took revenge, but this time it’s different. He led me down a path of being happy, promises, a future, used me, betrayed me.

Firstly I can report his company for tax evasion? Which would also push him over the VAT threshold of being self employed. He takes so much cash, and also gets funds transferred into other accounts, to avoid tax and vat. He said this was to help his build out future, his business, more like fund his other life?

Tell his ex that he is only paying a 1/3rd of the CSA amount that she is due. This is a huge argument, and the DC suffer because of it. As she can’t afford clothes, food etc... I do think her lifestyle plays a part in this. But the exP always said it would help when he went for full custody, as she looks unfit!

Dump all his belongings in a charity bin? They are all paid for by me.

Shread all his personal documents.

Cancel all his car and van insurance which is all paid for my me, registered to my home, and I am also named on the insurances.

I know some of these seem extreme, and yes I am bitter. I have tried talking to him, but since the revelation of his affair he has gone NC. I just can’t shake this anger, is this something I will regret?

OP posts:
SimplySteveRedux · 07/05/2019 08:05

It's been a long time since I was up-to-date with insurance offences, but he could plead ignorance if you/insurance company hadn't informed him, and potentially affect another person too. So update his address with the insurance company if you follow through, and I'm sorry. Thanks

heartshapedknob · 07/05/2019 08:06

*they're not there. Too early

Original poster
BitterSweet678 · 07/05/2019 08:14

@singlebutmarried
We have a business that is jointly owned. That one is managed by me, and is correctly reported. It’s his primary business which is questionable.

Already said I wanted the stuff out of my house by x date. Got told contact would be made, but silence. So I’m not storing it anymore, but will keep the DSC belongings in the loft.

SS had already been Involved.

I’ll take the view of how I was involved, although I would say I was aware, not involved. Some time things become more apparent when you step out of the relationship.

OP posts:
Oblomov19 · 07/05/2019 08:17

Have you really thought this through? How is this revenge? What do you gain? His pain?

Pushing someone over the VAT threshold means what? They hire a book keeper and do a bit more SAGE/xero/quick books accounting? Really? Seriously?

The clothes offer, then donation is just cleaning up and getting rid.

But the rest of your suggestions and nasty. Driven by hurt.

Oblomov19 · 07/05/2019 08:18

"7days notice to say that I was selling the joint business, " :
Is the business joint? I thought you said he was a sole trader. So you have no rights at all. Or do you? I don't understand.

Lllot5 · 07/05/2019 08:21

I would do all of this without a backwards glance. Providing I didn’t get in trouble with any authority myself.

JinglingHellsBells · 07/05/2019 08:32

Not sure where you'd stand legally if you cancelled the car insurance without telling him. It's in your name and you are also a driver? Who is the main named driver? Who do the docs go to?
Obviously you need to tell him, but if you don't and he has an accident, and is uninsured, and someone sues him for millions, where does that leave not only him but you too?

I'm afraid you will regret the actions as your bitterness.

As others have said, you were actually complicit in all of this for years. Not paying tax, not paying enough child support, and whatever else he did. Those actions funded your lifestyle too.

You say you bought his clothes etc but surely he also contributed to the family purse?

Sorry but understand how you feel, but in 5 years time I doubt you'd feel proud of this behaviour.

ErrmWTAF · 07/05/2019 10:01

Do it. Do it all.

ihaddedto · 07/05/2019 10:06

The saddest thing is that his children bonded with someone and now that someone is out of their lives for good.

I haven’t read your other threads but the post about the kids’ teddies and certificates made me sigh. Shame for them.

Ruru8thestars · 07/05/2019 10:10

Sounds like a bad situation

Daenerys77 · 07/05/2019 10:31

Do not shred or otherwise dispose of his documents or personal belongings, because that could put you on the wrong side of the law. The rest of it is entirely up to you. At the very least I would cancel the vehicle insurance, unless you are happy to go on subsidising him.

chocorabbit · 07/05/2019 10:56

Don't tell his ex about what you are going to do. The message will definitely reach him and his family and they will escalate the threats.

However, it is perfectly fine to give him in to the HMRC as he has messed up with lots of people. But just try to imagine his reaction and how you would deal with it. Be ready.

Also, what kind of an idiot would keep paying for a cheating ex's insurance Hmm Confused Of course you can stop paying. Let the weasels complain. I just hope that they cannot physically or mentally abuse you afterwards.

Do send his clothes with somebody else as all he will do is make everything about you look like a crazy. Although since you have paid for them it doesn't seem fair either.

I still wonder why she is with him if he

  1. is cheat to you so has form for elaborate scheming
  2. has lied about her and made her look like a fool
Dissimilitude · 07/05/2019 11:08

I wouldn't, if I were you. I'm sure in your head this sounds like his just reward for his infidelity, but you'd be escalating a conflict that you cannot predict the outcome of.

Hypothetical - let's say you do all this - how's he going to react, just take it? Or will you make an enemy who'll attempt to come after you in a similar way? Because there's no guarantee he won't fight back in some underhand or unpleasant way.

Just cut your losses and move on.

bakebeans · 07/05/2019 18:03

Go for it! I wish you all the luck x

gottastopeatingchocolate · 07/05/2019 18:29

If the DC live with him 50% of the time, he isn't required to pay maintenance, so be careful that you don't end up putting the ex in a worse situation.

I genuinely understand the desire to wish to report him, but I doubt it will actually make you feel any better.

Do the things that sever his life from yours - the insurance, the belongings, the joint business. Let the dust settle before considering any of the more vindictive things.

Original poster
BitterSweet678 · 07/05/2019 18:51

@oblomov19 yes this would mean that he would just have to hire a book keeper. But it also means that any work he conducts is inline with other contractors as at present he does not have to charge the additional 20% vat, hence why he is so busy. He is still using my name, and career to get work... that isn't fair.
To clarify he is yes a sole trader for his business. That is his business, but he uses my professional career as a tool of obtaining more work, as it can be seen as a 'package'
We have a secondary business which is nothing to do with the other professions, which is joint names, but managed by me. This is what I have given him notice of sale for.

@JinglingHellsBells
I'm not sure legally where I stand with the insurance. He is the main driver, however registered to my bank account and address. No he didn't contribute to the financial purse (85/15 split), which should have been a red flag. DSC clothes, Christmas presents, school things, toys where all paid for by me (and I have receipts), all the household bills, mortgage (as it is my property), food, all paid for by me! He contributing now and again to a day out, or tea out, but nothing substantial. At the time I didn't mind, as I was the higher earner. It was also my house, and he had another property which he paid for (but never used). He use to say the money he earn't from HIS business and our joint business, was being saved up in a 'pot' which would be used for our wedding, house purchase etc. I didn't know that his earning was actually paying for his other life.

@Ihaddedto
Yes the saddest part of all this is what it has done to the DSC. We had always agreed that contact would be maintain if anything happened. They have been taken away from their family home, lost out, lost their possessions. He doesn't have the decency to come and collect anything, when I have spent the last few weeks trying to arrange this. I won't dispose of their stuff, and have placed it in the loft. I might be getting made out to be a 'bad person' but I do have a heart.

OP posts:
JeffJarrett · 07/05/2019 19:12

Don't destroy anything as it could be construed as criminal damage if he rings the police. Definitely do the rest though. Take him to the damn cleaners!

Divebar · 07/05/2019 19:30

I’m reminded of women who suddenly decide to report their exes to the police as drug dealers once they split up with them - but have no problem with it when they’re together. When did you find out about the tax evasion? While you were still together or subsequently on breaking up? Although I’m sure you feel like you’re doing the “ right thing” none of it is motivated by the desire to be a good person or to help someone else out it’s all to stick the knife in your ex. You don’t seem to have had any problem with the underpayment to his children with directly impacted on their quality of life. Even if you believed the ex was a drug / alcohol user what action was taken to try and have full custody of the children? Did you give 2 shits that he let them go short. As for the belongings I’m sure somebody in your life is able to deliver them to the right place without the need for direct contact from you.

Original poster
BitterSweet678 · 07/05/2019 20:05

@Divebar If he was a drug dealer, I wouldn't have been with him. I knew about the odd thing, but not to the scale that it was. It was only when the OW said 'but his business money goes in to my account, and has done for the last year.' That I realised the full extent, plus I had all his paperwork to hand so took a glance through the books, to see where all his money went.
I can't deny that I let the DSC to go without, and I hold my hands up to that. As for action, we had regular meetings with school, solicitors, he was going through the process of mediation, and we increased the access to 50%. SS was due to conduct home visits this month. But that was all in his 'control' as I don't have any legal stance on the DSC.
I have asked if I could deliver them, and had no response. His DM and DF live down south, which isn't around the corner, and I don't know where the OW lives.

OP posts:
Divebar · 07/05/2019 20:55

I know we’ve probably all had fantasies about revenge but I think they’re probably left as fantasies. In particular those women who destroy suits and give away the wine cellar etc just seem a bit unhinged to me.... although they make for entertaining reading It’s upsetting to break up and of course the infidelity is painful but I think it would say more about your character to move on with as little reference to him as possible. At the very least don’t act immediately and give it a little time to ponder it. He will know it’s you and will undoubtably paint you as a nutcase which obviously feeds his justification for breaking up in the firstplace. Revenge seems to indicate you still hold strong feelings for him.

Blonde87 · 07/05/2019 21:12

I think you should do everything you can to look after yourself and try and move on with your head held high. Hanging on to bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die :( you are the better person x

robinsarebins · 07/05/2019 21:36

God he sounds just like my ex, dodgy, thieving cheating liar.
His mother was a piece of work too.
I went for revenge, got him sacked from his job. Made me feel better for a while.
Now I couldn't give a shit what he does or where he is so long as he's not near me.
Karmas a bitch and he's got his by having to live with himself every day of his life, hiding from all the people he's hurt and constantly looking for a way out of his latest mess.
Meanwhile I hardly ever think of him now, which seemed impossible at the time, and when I do I actually feel a little grateful for what he put me through because I'm a better stronger person than I was before.
You will come out of this op, it just takes time and a bit of work.

Neverhot · 07/05/2019 21:40

I am in pretty much the exact same situation as you OP and I'm not ashamed to say that I've done everything possible to ruin his life and hurt him as much as he has hurt me. I do feel better for it too, so I say go for it.

Serenity45 · 07/05/2019 22:03

YANBU just keep it legal and don't tell anyone else (unless you absolutely trust them). Twats like him deserve to be hit where it hurts- in the wallet and via HMRC (who can be like a dog with a bone Grin)

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2019 22:13

Op the best revenge is a life lived well.

Plotting petty revenge just makes you look jealous and solidifies his reason to leave.

You need to change your focus, and start to think of you, not petty revenge and what you've lost. Focus on getting your life back on track, finding happiness. Making him irrelevant.

Where you are now mentally is doing you more damage than any of thr silly things you want todo to him.

For your own sake, stop focusing on him and start focusing on you.