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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want revenge?

107 replies

BitterSweet678 · 06/05/2019 23:48

I know the best form of revenge is to hold you head up high, smile, and show them what they lost.

However, I’m hurt, angry, upset, confused and frustrated. Right now I’m channelling all that into revenge, which is the only thing keeping my head above water.

EXp cheated on me, formed a whole secret life behind my back for years. In that time I have supported his business, DC, and generally took on the responsibility for all his life. Stupid I know. I’ve been hurt in the past, never took revenge, but this time it’s different. He led me down a path of being happy, promises, a future, used me, betrayed me.

Firstly I can report his company for tax evasion? Which would also push him over the VAT threshold of being self employed. He takes so much cash, and also gets funds transferred into other accounts, to avoid tax and vat. He said this was to help his build out future, his business, more like fund his other life?

Tell his ex that he is only paying a 1/3rd of the CSA amount that she is due. This is a huge argument, and the DC suffer because of it. As she can’t afford clothes, food etc... I do think her lifestyle plays a part in this. But the exP always said it would help when he went for full custody, as she looks unfit!

Dump all his belongings in a charity bin? They are all paid for by me.

Shread all his personal documents.

Cancel all his car and van insurance which is all paid for my me, registered to my home, and I am also named on the insurances.

I know some of these seem extreme, and yes I am bitter. I have tried talking to him, but since the revelation of his affair he has gone NC. I just can’t shake this anger, is this something I will regret?

OP posts:
Samind · 07/05/2019 06:50

I agree with @FineWordsForAPorcupine. You knew all this was happening at the time and never said/done anything.

It suits you now to have some sort of conscience. Why weren't you thinking of the mother or children when you actively knew he wasn't paying what he should and let her struggle but it's ok because you're friends now and believe what she tells you but firstly you believed him...

It is a shitty thing that he done but you're being shittier now. Bag his clothes up and leave him in a neutral place for him to collect. End of discussion on that.

AnyFucker · 07/05/2019 06:59

I am sorry you have been shit on, but really you knew this man and what he is capable of

Strangely enough, you now have some common ground with his ex. Funny, that

I don't think you have any legs to stand on wrt revenge that don't make you look like a massive scorned hypocrite, tbh

Lick your wounds, build yourself back up and expect more integrity from men in the future

GetOffTheRoof · 07/05/2019 07:03

Don't just let the ex know about his money, send her the proof of his finances, otherwise its useless as she / CSA can't do anything with the knowledge.

Don't destroy property, it sounds as though he'll get the police involved - you don't need to deal with an arrest for criminal damage on top of everything else.

Give him a week's notice of cancellation of the insurance policies.

NoSauce · 07/05/2019 07:06

I was led to believe that his ex was a drug user, and drank a lot

If you both of you thought this of his ex, did it ever occur to you to get SS involve? Did you not worry that those poor kids would suffer even more without their fathers appropriate CM?

I’m sorry that things are shit for you OP now but I think it’s hypocritical of you now to worry about these children. The time has past.

LakieLady · 07/05/2019 07:09

If you cancel his motor insurances, you could then report him for driving uninsured, if you think he might not have the money to reinsure and risk driving.

Just saying ...

HBStowe · 07/05/2019 07:12

VAT and CM you should report because it’s morally reprehensible that he is cheating on these (and actually if you have known about him doing this for years and have done nothing about it I judge you too...)

User11011 · 07/05/2019 07:15

I would do all of above.

PancakePatti · 07/05/2019 07:20

If you cancel the insurances you should get some money back minus a cancellation/admin fee.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 07/05/2019 07:26

I would do it all. But keep the DC stuff. At least for a while. If you’re who I think you are you have their teddies and school certificates...? Please don't chuck them. Their world is being destroyed and they're innocent. Box them up then ask them at some point, not their mother, what they want.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 07/05/2019 07:30

So our was ok for you both to commit tax evasion while you benefited and ok for him to skimp on his children while you were a recipient of the extra money, but now he's cheated on you the behaviour is horrendous? I think you're just as bad to be honest, you we willing to be complicit while it suited.
Yes get rid of his belongings, and cancel anything you pay for. By all means report the tax and CMS, but then maybe take a long hard look at yourself.

RedSheep73 · 07/05/2019 07:33

If you think he's been breaking the law then yes, I would say go for it - that isn't revenge it's justice. Same for cancelling anything that's still in his name, it's up to him to sort out, nothing to do with you now. Don't trash his personal stuff though, that just puts you in the wrong.

rwalker · 07/05/2019 07:35

If it's a joint business and you report to hmrc then you will be under fire too.

User199999999o9o999 · 07/05/2019 07:36

You should report them all and contact your solicitor for advise on your joint businesses. I'm surprised you haven't yet given his attitude to screwing, his probably working on screwing you over!

Springwalk · 07/05/2019 07:37

I would cancel the insurance and inform him. Bag up his things and give him twelve hours to collect or charity shop he can find them in.

Up to you re the other things you have listed. I would have been happy with him under paying his ex for his own children nor the tax evasion. Why would you want to be with someone so openly dishonest?

It may serve you better as a human being to get some proper counselling, start working out that anger in the gym, and start looking to end the pain you are in. You may feel anger now, but you won't always. Act with dignity, grace and respect now, otherwise you may start to hate the person you have become. Sometimes it is indeed far better to be the bigger (and stronger) person.

Springwalk · 07/05/2019 07:38

I wouldn't

MyCatHogsTheBed · 07/05/2019 07:40

I wouldn't shred his documents.

I would cancel the insurance and let him know (or try to!).

I would donate the clothes to charity shops. No sense in waste.

I would only report him to tax/vat man if you are certain you are squeaky clean, but It's the thing I'd most want to do. If he's been hiding money in other people's accounts they may not get enough on him to "get" him.

floraloctopus · 07/05/2019 07:41

Don't cancel the car insurance because it will be awful if he has an accident and the other person then has all the hassle of dealing with an uninsured driver.

snowdrop6 · 07/05/2019 07:42

You knew all that ,but was happy to go along with it while you were together? You knew his dc were going without because of his cm payments being low and you were happy to be with him.only now it’s finished you care .,!!!!!!!

marcus2000 · 07/05/2019 07:49

Do the lot! And move on

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/05/2019 07:49

You were complicit in everything he did; and he will not be shy to point that out.

It's too late to be the bigger person. I'm sorry that you're hurting but I'd focus on moving on and changing your perspective from being "destroyed", rather than how you can try and get your own back. None of this will "destroy" him, and it could have repercussions for you. And there's no moral victory here, as you went along with his actions.

Duchessgummybuns · 07/05/2019 07:54

I wouldn’t do any of the things you’re planning because it would make me a massive hypocrite.

However I would bag his stuff up, screw up and chuck his personal documents in there willy nilly, then lob it all on his mums front garden.

It’ll be embarrassing for him and you’ll feel better without al his shit hanging around. Remove yourself from all the joint business stuff ASAP because if HMRC catch him out for VAT and tax evasion you have been complicit by keeping your mouth shut.

Singlebutmarried · 07/05/2019 07:56

You say something up thread avoid selling the joint business.

If you are part owner/director then the onus is on you also to file the correct vat/tax.

You could find yourself just as much in trouble.

JenniferJareau · 07/05/2019 08:02

If you do take revenge, make sure nothing you do can come back to haunt you. You were involved in the business as well, if you report you might be implicating yourself.

heartshapedknob · 07/05/2019 08:03

I would cancel the insurance policies if there in your name and address, but send a letter via recorded post first with a week’s notice so he can make alternative arrangements. Use the same letter to tell him you won’t be storing his crap beyond the same date and shove in bin bags ready for him to collect on xx date/time (ensure you have someone with you at pickup as a witness because he sounds like an arse.)
Tax evasion I would also report - well I wouldn’t have tolerated it in the first place but there’s a lesson for you. Take copies of any paperwork to hand over as evidence.

Walkaround · 07/05/2019 08:04

Bittersweet678 - you're probably the alcoholic drug addict, now, in all his tall tales, and any money that didn't go to his ex was to fund your debauched lifestyle. Yes, of course you should report his tax evasion and child support underpayments, but then you were a self-centred, utterly selfish person not to have done something about this when you lived with him. And he will probably also find a way to make that your fault, too, because according to his narrative, you were so greedy and controlling and advised him to do this, hence having access to all the information.