AIBU to want revenge?

[BitterSweet678]

I know the best form of revenge is to hold you head up high, smile, and show them what they lost.

However, I’m hurt, angry, upset, confused and frustrated. Right now I’m channelling all that into revenge, which is the only thing keeping my head above water.

EXp cheated on me, formed a whole secret life behind my back for years. In that time I have supported his business, DC, and generally took on the responsibility for all his life. Stupid I know. I’ve been hurt in the past, never took revenge, but this time it’s different. He led me down a path of being happy, promises, a future, used me, betrayed me.

Firstly I can report his company for tax evasion? Which would also push him over the VAT threshold of being self employed. He takes so much cash, and also gets funds transferred into other accounts, to avoid tax and vat. He said this was to help his build out future, his business, more like fund his other life?

Tell his ex that he is only paying a 1/3rd of the CSA amount that she is due. This is a huge argument, and the DC suffer because of it. As she can’t afford clothes, food etc... I do think her lifestyle plays a part in this. But the exP always said it would help when he went for full custody, as she looks unfit!

Dump all his belongings in a charity bin? They are all paid for by me.

Shread all his personal documents.

Cancel all his car and van insurance which is all paid for my me, registered to my home, and I am also named on the insurances.

I know some of these seem extreme, and yes I am bitter. I have tried talking to him, but since the revelation of his affair he has gone NC. I just can’t shake this anger, is this something I will regret?

Hold on, so you had no problem him avoiding tax and other dodgy dealings whilst you were with him? You didn't care he wasn't paying correctly either, so why the concern now for his children? You were happy to go along with it then with no moral concerns? Now, it's only a problem because you've been hurt. That says a lot in itself.

Revenge as you say, is your call, but prepare for any consequences it may have. Act as you feel fit and right.

In regards to his clothing etc, drop it off outside wherever he is and let him know you have done so. Nothing further needs to be done. Other than that, cancel all policies.

If you want to waste time being vindictive, go ahead. You're only wasting your own time, when you could actually be productive and use it to do something that truly benefits your growth and progress for a new chapter in your life.

@SpareASquare
I admit I was wrong, and that I do seem quite hypocritical.
I’ve explained the reasons why I didn’t question for the DC payments. They never did ever want for anything at school, or here, as we always made payments for them. It’s just at her house where they suffered with clothes etc. but I did try and help, buying them new school pants, and things to take home, when needed.

As for his business. I don’t whole heartedly agree with the principal, and didn’t participate in the hiding money. However he was a nice guy, future, promised me it was in our best interest. That this would help us get the home, the family, everything we desired... I was blinded by his whole web of lies.

do wtf you like.he did.(sorry your at the shite stage of this tho x)

@Specterlitt
See my last post. I wasn’t happy with it all. But I did, because I was blind, and I loved him, and I thought I had a future with him.

@Honeyroar I don’t know where he is... as he is with OW. So I can’t dump any of his things anywhere. I’ve already sent notice that things would be gone, and time is up. So it looks like the charity shop and shreader it is...

If you’re determined to go ahead with your revenge plan...

I’d put a bit of distance between you and the actions. These things work better when you take private revenge. You don’t get to see/hear the public outrage, but you avoid blow-back too.

Do it strategically, time it carefully, set up deniability. Do something (small) publically thats nice for him (or someone in his family) so it gives you insurance. Then dob him in anonymously all over town, across several months. Don’t let on to anyone, ever.

When he (his mum, whoever) come calling, calmly state that while you’d love to take the credit it seems his behaviour has unsurprisingly created enemies and karma gets everyone in the end. Show you were out of town or whatever it takes.

Then sit back, stroke your white cat, and enjoy the fallout.

Or, you know, therapy. Or both.

@BitterSweet678 Why are you blocked from contact and why did his mum say she was going to involve the police if you contacted her again?

That was actually my first thought too Specterlitt, that she wasn't so bothered about his immoral behaviour when they were together.

He does pay for his DC but only about a 1/3 of what they would be entitled too, if the full amount of earnings was disclosed

No matter what the explanation, the bottom line is that you condoned him dodging child maintenance. That he did this says a LOT about him, the most being that he was NOT a nice guy at all.
Seeing as you were absolutely a beneficiary to his unethical behaviour, I'd just remove his stuff from your home and try and move on.

The bad news is that being the better person won't necessarily make you feel better.
Every day I wake up and read the notice by my bed which says:

Breathe in, breathe out.
Get up and maintain bodily hygiene.
Do not make plans to finely slice ex-husband's testicles.

Yeah. I try to be funny. I can't take any revenge because I don't want my children caught in a short-storm.

Your posts have started late at night. I may well be wrong but don't do anything if you've been drinking. I sound like a killjoy but you might thank me later.

Or want to break my nose.
It's a bigger nose than I'd like, so I might pay good money for that

Think about these things in the cold light of day.
If you feel the same then do it.

So again, you were happy to go along with it because you believed his illegal actions would benefit you too. You cannot say that you were blind because you clearly knew it was wrong, but were happy for it to continue as you assumed you would get a benefit too. Now that you know it won't benefit you, your moral compass has awoken and you suddenly want to act upon it.

In regards to his children, you were again happy for him to lie and take money away from them, irrespective of what he stated, if you were a decent human you would have said to at least give the minimum which usually is not much. Now you care for the children suddenly, again this does not make you look good.

You were a part of his illegal activities and you had a role to play also.

Report him or don't, you do not come across as a victim here either. If you two were still together you would still be complicit in all of his crimes with no further thought.

Do as you please, report him or don't, that's your call. You have every right to be upset with him cheating, but you don't have a leg to stand on regarding anything else as you were a part of it.

Yep, drop the dickbag in the shitter.

I don't believe all this "be the bigger person" bollocks, that's just contrived bull to stop people actually standing up for themselves.

Be strong and do it but be fucking smart about it. Straight up cancel his insurance and all the financial stuff that's in your name but that he's benefitting from. Just email him and tell him you've done it.

Don't implicate yourself in any of his financial business dealings but absolutely report him. Might teach him not to be such a cunt... 🤷🏽‍♀️

Agree with all the pp’s. It’s not revenge if you’re just righting wrongs re tax/vat and maintenance for those poor kids.

He sounds like a slippery bastard.

After being in a not dissimilar “wanting revenge” situation and time passing without action (but plenty of sadistic mental fantasy)

I now think “revenge is a dish best served cold” actually means - instead of you exerting revenge when they aren’t expecting it, it actually happens incidentally when you aren’t expecting it.

For instance they see you looking fabulous in a few months laughing on a date with a guy that obviously fancies you - but you never know (or care) that this happened.

Conversely if he’s breaking the law and skanking his own children and you genuinely care about this, then there is a strong case for actually saying something (only if not motivated by pure malice)

He sounds like a snake that you are a million percent better off without whatever you decide to do.

@SpareASquare
I was led to believe that his ex was a drug user, and drank a lot. That if he paid her more money, the more she would have more drink and drugs. She isn’t a saint by far, but the extremes that he made out, where lies. The DSC still got new clothes, school trips, books, trainers, shoes, everything they needed as I bought it all for them. So they didn’t miss out. However she is being under paid, and I don’t think he will now be paying the same for them, as when we was together. Looking back now he wasn’t a nice guy at all, and I’ve had a great escape.

@BitterSweet678 the night I found out about the OW he left. I spoke to OW, found out the web of his lies, told him never to return and that I wouldn’t take him back. The next day OW took him back and he blocked my number. NC since. The letter I dropped off was to somewhere he was working at the time. I also messaged OW, asking politely for her to ask him to collect his stuff. His mum who I initially retained contact with, said that it was unacceptable behavior, and that she would contact the police.

"short-storm"

Why does auto-correct never make things better?

I meant "shit-storm".

So you didn't have a problem him fiddling his money/tax and underpaying CM when it benefitted YOU financially?

Yes hes done shit things, but happliy living with/being with someone that you know is doing these things makes you a pretty shitty person too!

Tell his ex that he is only paying a 1/3rd of the CSA amount that she is due. This is a huge argument, and the DC suffer because of it. As she can’t afford clothes, food etc... I do think her lifestyle plays a part in this. But the exP always said it would help when he went for full custody, as she looks unfit!

as a parent yourself (i presume from the comment of you supporting DC) how could you stand and watch him do this to another woman? you have known she was due 2 thirds more than he was giving and you know his DC suffer for it and you allowed it to happen and never reported it before. Lets hope his next GF doesnt sit by and watch it happen to you.

@Specterlitt
I care for his DSC and always have, like they where my own. This isn’t a case of I’ve just started caring. When I say I bought them things, and he won’t know that we aren’t together. It’s things like when I noticed their pumps where too small, I would replace them without question. Without the bitter feeling of well she gets maintainence to do that... like I know my ex will do.

@LaMarschallin it may be late, but I’ve not been drinking. I not a drinker. Think it’s just late night reflection of thoughts, that have been rumbling away.

@Macandcheese05
I don’t have any DC. When I say DC I meant step. I loved them like they where my own.

I hold my hands up yes, I don’t agree with the under payment. And I should have done something sooner... but I have stated why I didn’t. Plus the SDC where here 50% of the week.

Maybe I am just as shitty as he was... but I didn’t lie, cheat, or destroy the person I love and the DSC home.

It may be late, but I’ve not been drinking. I not a drinker. Think it’s just late night reflection of thoughts, that have been rumbling away

Fair enough. Sorry

I was judging by my own behaviour and, a few times, I'd have done something drastic.
Luckily, I fell over before I could.

I truly hope things work out for you.

but I didn’t lie, cheat, or destroy the person I love and the DSC home.

But yes, you did. You didn't lie and cheat on him, but you lied and helped cheat his children and ex out of money that they were legally entitled to. You assisted him in lying and cheating out of paying taxes which he is obligated to do. I assume you use the NHS and other state benefits and yet you had no problem being a part of his fraud and not putting into the system as long as his illegal doings were going to benefit you financially too.

Again, that says A LOT about you.

Furthermore, you buying his children items now and again does not mean much, and you couldn't love them as much as you claim to as you allowed money to be taken away from them.

Honestly, you both sound terrible. You stood by a man and would have continued to stand by him if he didn't cheat and continue to lie and benefit from his wrongdoings.

Take this as a lesson, a father who takes money away from his children cannot be a decent person.

@LaMarschallin
I’ve not drank for years, not something that I enjoy or want to do.
However I’ve been tempted to open a bottle of wine, for the last few weeks... probably would turn into unlawful revenge if I did. As I probably can’t handle a sip....

I have read your previous threads. He is an arsehole and you are well rid. I understand your loss re your Dsc too.

But, fot your own sake step back as he has done. Get rid of everything. If you have offered a delivery, and he has refused bag it all up. Get rid. If you want DSC to have their stuff offer it to their DM with a firm date for collection. If not picked up then get rid.

Re the other stuff. He has got away with it so far. Like many scumbag men. Again pass info re payments to his DC to his X.

And let it go. I think I said before. Do the Freedom Programme.

@specterlitt
I will agree to disagree with you on that one.

But I pay my taxes, always have done. To be honest, I have private health care, due to medical problems, and the fact I’m lucky enough that I can personally afford this. I didn’t assist him, by allowing him to put funds into my account, or agree with his wrong doings. Granted I didn’t report him whilst we was together. So admit fault on that part.

As for the DSC. if you had even the smallest insight into my life with them. You would know that I love and did so much for them. I paid for all their holiday clubs, swimming lessons, clothes, shoes everything, out of my own personal money, to ensure they didn’t miss out. Yes they didn’t have as much as what they could have had at their mums. But they never missed out. That’s why I’m worried now, as whilst I was inclined to help his ex and the dsc, he won’t. To be fair she probably would have spent the money on drugs and not on the DC. And if she does get an uplift on her CSA, the DC probably won’t benefit.

Hand delivered the letter.
All I got back was a text of his mum, saying do that again and the the police will be involved. Nothing more...

and
The vat and tax and child maintenance however - report at will.

Get legal advice ASAP before you take action to prevent any unforeseen legal consequences to you (eg pre-knowledge).

Don't hand deliver anything to him/his mother. If necessary and where appropriate get a Solicitors's letter sent, registered, which will need to be signed for, so you have proof of delivery when you have an address for him to his business address/email address.

Dump all his belongings in a charity bin? They are all paid for by me.
Perfectly understand you want to do this. I'm no expert but aren't these now HIS personal property? By all means he ensure he gets them back safely (write to his business email or postal address recorded delivery)? Meanwhile Put them in boxes in the garage/storeroom if you have one. Ensure he can't access them himself so he has to make proper arrangements for collection.

Don't shred his personal documents. Take a copy first in case you need these for evidence/he gets nasty later.

Home/house: whose name is this in? If yours then change the locks ASAP.

Cancel all his car and van insurance which is all paid for my me, registered to my home, and I am also named on the insurances.
Give him 24hrs notice (email and text) then cancel them. Ensure you get a delivery notice on the email.

Don't do anything which will affect your personal or professional integrity and/or leave you in hot water legally. Keep your dignity OP.

Deep breaths and move forward. 🌹

To be fair she probably would have spent the money on drugs and not on the DC. And if she does get an uplift on her CSA, the DC probably won’t benefit

Sorry, so is she a fit parent or isn't she? You said that your ex claimed all sorts of things about her that you have since found out to be a lie, but now you are back to thinking she takes drugs and neglects her kids?

If you really think this, she probably shouldn't be primary carer for her children. Report to SS if you have genuine concerns. But stop this narrative of "I am the good person in this little triangle, I am the real victim, only I really loved those kids, etc".

And as for revenge? Please report his tax evasion and underpayment of maintenance, since that has real world effects on innocent people. I'm not sure that you can really claim to be all that personally outraged by it - after all, you were perfectly happy when you thought it was "for your future together" or were going along with your exes plan to keep the mother deliberately short of money so it would "look better when you went for full custody"!! That is so breathtakingly cruel I can't believe you have only just noticed . Really think about what it says about a person that they would deliberately impoverish the parent of their children and then use that poverty (which they have created) as a way to get their kids taken off them.

So yeah, I know you want to hang on to the status of innocent party and victim of this bad man, but you really aren't. You were happy to turn a blind eye when it suited you, and now you are no longer benefiting from his shady dealings you want to use them to hurt him. Not brilliant, however you slice it.