To think you need to jus lift your child?

[PugasaurusRex]

We had a visiting toddler today. When it was time to go he threw a mega tantrum and refused to leave or to return the toy he had hold of at the time.

His mother just stood there. And stood. And stood. Occasionally calling weakly "George... George.... Time to go now..." George would then bolt back into the playroom.

This went on for the best part of twenty minutes. Eventually he started throwing things at my elderly cat in a rage, so I had to go and physically remove George from the playroom, remove the toy from his grasp, and essentially post him out the front door with his mother trailing behind.

I've seen this in toddler groups too. Child won't put on shoes/leave/come away from the door, and instead of lifting them and removing them the parent just sort of stands and bleats at them.

Am I missing something? Is it now seen as wrong/too strict to tuck your child under your arm and match them off kicking and screaming? Mine are a little past that stage, but I remember it being a fun feature of their toddler years.

I feel that George's mother was quite happy for me to be the bad guy in this scenario... She's a perfectly fit woman so I'm not sure why else lifting the child was beyond her

Her and her DP ‘do not agree with shouting’ so DC are just asked nicely to do something

You don't have to shout though. You just need THE VOICE. My mum was a primary school teacher and when I used THE VOICE I sounded just like her.

She probably though she would be judged for doing that.... Oh 😮
Can't win as a parent really can you, if you pick them up you get judgy looks and if you let them be you get them

Although it isn’t always a choice. Following surgery when my youngest was younger than 3 I haven’t been able to lift her. It doesn’t matter how embarrassing the tantrum, I still can’t lift her.

Once had a toddler standoff in Sainsbury's for an hour unable to get DC1 in car seat

Who has time for that shit? We've all gone through the arching back stage of a child who whinges about getting into a car seat. But most of us perfect the technique to get them in. And if it involves a little non-painful physical force then that's fine.

Standoffs in the car park while you plead, negotiate and whatever else is just pathetic. Woman up. Parent your child. You are in charge, not the terrorist toddler.

Yes, this makes me crazy too. Both the inconvenience to the host waiting to put dinner on the table and also the grating whiny voice such parents use to try to persuade the child to comply. It never works and I usually end up picking up their child myself, plunking him/her onto the trunk in the front hall and putting their shoes and coat on myself, (gently but firmly) saying something like “come on, mummy is waiting and you can come back again and play another day” to make it friendly. Then I pick the child up from the trunk and literally hand it to the mum, who invariably looks grateful to have the extraction managed and carries them out the door. I have done this up to age six or so. Most little ones will be surprised into compliance by being picked up by a non-parent.

In my experience dads struggle more with this than mums. I think they don’t want to take a stern tone with the child and sound like an unreconstructed old school authoritarian dad. So they are helpless if their child behaves badly in public. I feel sorry for them, actually. It’s a difficult line to find.

Several years ago now a few mums and toddlers were at a friend's house. At going home time little Jack refused to put on his shoes and when mum finally negotiated him into shoes he then refused to get in the pushchair. Several minutes of pleading with Jack later, I couldn't stand it any longer and wanting to get home myself, plopped my non walking child on the floor, picked Jack up and strapped him into said pushchair in about 3 seconds flat. Not sure who was more surprised, Jack, his mum, or the other mums who all watched in awe!!

I can’t lift any of mine, either (having had severe SPD which hasn’t really resolved). Plus one with ASD.
So when you’re all judging me for nicely asking my child to leave; it’s because I’m carefully assessing whether he’s able to cope with the demand I’m placing on him and about to have a violent meltdown (which I’ll struggle to restrain because of the pelvic problems).

Fuck it. My life is bloody tough enough without (now) feeling those judgemental stares actually are people just judging.

FWIW the smaller two do most listen and actually come when I ask. But, no, I probably can’t put their socks on (much as I want to). Because if I get on the floor I can’t bloody get up. It’s very very depressing.

There are times when I kneel down to my children’s height and explain to them why they need to put their shoes on.

There are other times when I’ve been running through the supermarket after my 2 year old whilst my 4 year old just stands there in the aisles waiting for us to come back.

I have no qualms about lifting my children and certainly wouldn’t want to inconvenience anyone else who was waiting for them but my youngest is so strong willed that sometimes I enjoy the brief rest of a lie down tantrum, certainly beats the usual bolt.

@DonkeyHohtay

I think that was me saying about my Dsis - they don’t agree with ANY aggression of any kind so everything is kind and gentle. They would never ever say anything in a stern tone in public. But I think she occasionally loses her shit and yells and then feels bad

h

I don't get this lack of parenting strategy.
I'm tiny, my kids were huge (me 4'11" and Dh 6'1" to blame there) The toddler years did wonders for my upper body strength, I hauled them off under my arm. Then as time went by developed the look Dh says it scares him too and the voice, I would talk quietly, and gave the look at the same time.
Used to whisper to them too. Did warnings, if they wanted to ever return to the ball pit/park/mcDonalds or wherever we were, then they stop and leave when I say or that will be the end of the fun days. Worked a charm, I reminded them often usually on the way to places, same with sweets in the checkout line, if I say yes it's because you were well behaved and helpful in the shop, if I say no, then no one to blame but yourself.
Some people need to parent up, you put the hard work in while they are young and reap the rewards of lovely kids as they get older.

She may have felt a bit self conscious. I am rubbish at dealing with small people so don’t like an audience.

That said, yes, just pick them up, say goodbye over the screams, then walk out (no need for shoes then).

Or use bribery.

Yup. I often used to lift my children up (whichever one was being a demon at the time) in some sort of fireman’s lift and just carry them off. I ask twice. On the third “ask” I tend to raise my voice and say they have until the count of 3. At 3 I go after them and take the situation in hand. It has even meant us literally handing my basket to a staff member in a shop and saying “sorry my children won’t behave so before they break something I have to pay for I’m taking them back home” and literally marched them home mid shopping trip. When they complained that dinner was boring back of the cupboard staples I did remind them why we didn’t make it to the supermarket and they didn’t complain again. They mostly behave in shops now. I’ve marched my youngest to school without shoes on before while she complained that her socks were getting dirty because she had refused to put her shoes on repeatedly. I explained to the teacher what I had done and why and she was totally supportive of it.

My DH shouts and starts counting and wonders why the kids ignore him when he sits on the sofa and has counted until 9 and not moved. I pointed it out time and again that if the kids know you aren’t going to do anything they will ignore you and it came true when my DS just turned around and said “what number are you counting to?” To DH. When DH tried to sound threatening DS replies with “or what? You just sit there.” I then had to step in and point out that I could hear him and I wasn’t just sat there and DS said sorry and made himself scarce but it was a bit of an eye opener for DH that his kids walk all over him.

Wuthering I think you can tell a parent who physically cannot pick their child up, but is trying other methods VS cannot-parent types. And it sounds like your parenting is effective most of the time. All of our parenting is only effective most of the time - there are always times it fails no matter what you do. Picking up and walking out is not the only way to prove parenting I have done it, but very rarely as I had an injury in my nurse training in the 1990s when you could lift patients.

For me it's my shout. I wander into the centre of soft play structures and bellow their names and give a 5 minute warning. Five minutes later I go back in and demand they come 'now'. If I don't hear a reply I start counting to 5. Usually after I get to 2 you can hear them shouting 'we're coming'. If I keep counting because I think they're being tardy about it their calls become more panicked. I have no idea what I'd do if they didn't come by 5 but probably a screen ban for a couple of days. I

I find there's always something they want that can be removed. As long as you do take it away sometimes.

I once growled at DD1 (then 8ish) to get out of the house as they just weren't getting out to school. She told me that my voice made her tummy feel funny.

Standoffs in the car park while you plead, negotiate and whatever else is just pathetic. Woman up. Parent your child. You are in charge, not the terrorist toddler

For fucks sake, I was clearly admitting to a crazy day that went wrong. I've already said this, although was pretty obvious in the first post. Honesty about imperfections between parents shouldn't be shot down.

And I have already said I found effective ways to parent that I'm comfortable with.

This thread is so judgemental. My parenting isn't driven by a need to befriend my child. No more than I imagine the previous "shouty mum" is driven by a desire to dominate her child. Both trying in different ways to do what we feel is right. I am very sure I'm not the only one hasn't managed that perfectly. Some errors and their outcomes are more easy to identify and judge.

Never had that kind of problem with my girls when they were toddlers! Honest!!

I think there is often a world of difference for techniques needed to parent a child with ASD or other special needs and a NT child but sadly many people are still unaware of this

My DN was such a pain in the arse when he was little. My older DD wouldn’t have acted like he did. Once when camping when he was a toddler he went running off. My SIL weakly called him back but he kept going so I ran after him and put him under my arm and marched back with him. He didn’t know what happened and my SIL was surprised but could see what proper parenting was all about. There’s a time and place to be friends with your child and times when you have to parent.

When my eldest was small and I was really struggling with discipline I used to bleat in public because I thought the fact I couldn't get him to do anything without physically moving him was because I was a crap mum and was afraid of being judged for scooping him up. Life was so much easier once I realised most parents have had to scoop their toddler up at some point.

Only on page 2 can’t read more as it’s not got noted for my blood pressure!
Just spent the long weekend with distant family who believed in gentle parenting. My DH was amazed I held all my frustration in until we got into the car to come home. We are the same age as these parents but with DC just finishing school or at uni and it is like we come from a different generation
Things that happened included allowing the DC, 3 under 8 pack their own clothes to go away camping in the New Forest, because a party dress and cardigan was such suitable clothing even when you wear it with your coat and trainers.
Taking until 11am to be up and dressed as they all are allowed to do it themselves.
Mind you having no bedtime means you get up late and tired to start.
Nearly missing the one paid activity we had booked for the weekend as the DC didn’t want to get into their car seats.
More wasted food in 3 days than we would have in a week or more and my youngest was the fussiest of eaters

There is a nursery mum like this,all head tilt,widdle voice,open commands,ineffectual and it takes her 20+ minutes to drop off/collect

Mum will say ineffectively “time to go” in a widdle voice.no gravitas
Her child loudly shouts NO! And resists
And there we are. Mum quietly asking,pleading with no clear direction or time to go imposed. A queue forming of all other parents who want to drop and go or collect

Audible snorting as the rest of us parents are thinking do come the fuck on

I spoke to my kw said I can’t be stuck behind this fuckery,
I literally drop and go,no prolonged angst I collect my saying Let’s go then and that’s it.

Ahh yes the. VOICE and the LOOK
I have the look,a withering don’t cross me look
It’s very effective

Following on I wasn’t the perfect parent, however MY DC always knew where they stood with me and that when’ I raised my voice They were pushing it too far.
DC2 was the worst her best trick was climbing out of things, yes she had an independent spirit but if I put her in the car seat she had to stay there for her protection. If she kept climbing out of her buggy and tipping it over she would get hurt, so the straps got crossed and she was stuck. Distant relative (see previous post) either carries youngest whilst pushing the pram or even better lets her push it which is always great for getting anywhere when you are already late because said child did not really want to get their shoes on in the first place.

@FairyBunnyAgain that's not gentle parenting that's just ineffective parenting, passive, permissive and not authoritative. Gentle parenting still has boundaries!

I’m afraid it is the one thing I really do judge parents on. I’m pretty open minded about most other things to be fair

I know it comes over as though everyone is being horrible but it’s such a fundamental part of parenting when it is missing and has such a knock on effect on extended family and friends who really do want to try to love the DC but find the pleading and allowing them to whinge and run freely however they please no matter what the consequences are is horrible for the rest of the general public

For instance, I am truely concerned a child I know is going to get bitten by a dog. Their DM has not once stopped the child lying on the dog, grabbing the dog, hitting it in the face etc. It is absolutely horrible to watch

My DD was a horror. She wouldn’t get dressed or get in the car seat. I once shut her in the car to scream it out (not a hot day ) when she was about 2, and sat on the kerb next to the car getting all kinds of horrible looks until she finally stopped and sat folornly on the middle seat knowing she wasn’t going to win that one