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Original poster

Boyfriend going to lunch with female colleague.

530 replies

boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 14:58

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about my boyfriend. He had a conversation on WhatsApp with another woman that he then deleted, which set alarm bells ringing.

I’ve been monitoring the situation since, and another conversation appeared this morning. Basically I have gleaned from the conversation that they go for lunch together at work. He has never mentioned this colleague to me, and when I’ve asked him who he’s gone for lunch for he says, ‘nobody, I was on my own.’ She was quite flirty, putting all sad face emojis when he said he wouldn’t be in for lunch that day. He wasn’t flirty and replied quite matter of fact with her on this occasion, but the small part I saw of the deleted conversation was a bit flirty.

When we were discussing boundaries at the start of our relationship, I said I didn’t think it was appropriate for a man to take another woman out for sit down lunch/dinner, and pay for it. That I thought it was a bit weird and looks strange to outsiders as that’s something a typical couple would do. I was very clear with my opinion on it and he agreed with me. Now I’m concerned he’s basically agreed with me but now is lying and doing it behind my back anyway. As well as the deleted WhatsApp conversation with her previously, the whole thing just screams dodgy. Why lie about it? Maybe he is worried I’ll be paranoid when there’s nothing going on, but it’s even worse to lie and delete conversation?!

He is a lovely partner in all other regards though, perfect even. I’m not sure whether to confront him now or continue waiting and watching, as this may be something that is more serious than I know of at present.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 06/05/2019 23:14

It's great that he's now told you, that's a really good sign.

How do you feel now?

Coyoacan · 07/05/2019 00:55

The one who doesn't have proper boundaries in place is the boyfriend. He should never have agreed to your weird rules and now he has found himself in the position of lying.

Really OP you should cut him loose, you are not suited, but then maybe you could get some help with establishing reasonable, not suffocating, boundaries.

IAmNotAWitch · 07/05/2019 01:29

Yeah, he should not have agreed to those crazy restrictions.

If he has any sense he will walk away. That is what I would tell a woman who was posting this from the other side.

DH and I don't tell each other the breakdown of our day, I often have lunch with colleagues, even sometimes friends if they are available. I sometimes even go for drinks after work with people. So does DH.

I might mention it is passing, I might not, who knows, it is a total non event for DH who I had lunch with.

You either trust each other, or you don't.

Rosesaredead · 07/05/2019 06:17

I eat lunch with my friends/colleagues, some of whom happen to be male. I use emojis including sad faces in situations like those where I find I will be eating lunch alone today. I am also happily married and not up to anything. I think this is your own insecurity rather than him doing anything wrong and he's probably hiding it from you because he knows how you'll react? He may have been having lunch with her for years and couldn't just say to her "Sorry, can't continue this friendship as my new girlfriend doesn't like me eating meals with women." He should have just told you this when it came up but if it was at the beginning of the relationship maybe he just didn't want to cause an argument so early on or thought it would be easier to just nod and agree.

adaline · 07/05/2019 06:52

But essentially what you're saying is he can't go for lunch with a female colleague and pay for it.

That's normal. Often I go to lunch with colleagues and I'll pay one week and they'll pay the next because it's easier and quicker than splitting the bill, and it all works out roughly the same in the end anyway.

He's hiding it from you because he knows you'll freak out - but you haven't explained what exactly your problem is. You also haven't answered numerous questions - would him paying for a colleagues' sandwich be OK? What about a drive-thru meal when they sit down together in a car?

Why can he not decide what he spends his money on? You've been together five months - in the nicest way, who he spends his lunch breaks with is nothing to do with you! He's not going to change his lifestyle and habits for a girlfriend he's not even been with for six months.

silver3 · 07/05/2019 07:07

OP, I totally agree with you that some (most) of the replies on here are insane. But this is MN - where everyone has male friends who they all go out with one-to-one regularly and the DHs are all super-cool blah blah.

It’s one thing if you’re in Pret and happen to see a colleague and end up having a sandwich with them or whatever.

But I totally understand that your concern is different to this. WhatsApp messages / planning lunch / private conversations outside work - this is a totally different matter.

Plus if they are regularly going out for lunch etc together, other people in that workplace environment will notice for sure and it will invite speculation.

So no you are not paranoid / controlling / crazy in any shape or form and don’t let the herd mentality in here persuade you to doubt yourself.

I would not be Whatsapping a man at work about lunches - no. And neither would DH because it’s inappropriate. You know this. I know this.

It’s good that he’s told you something about it anyway, but I’d be having a further conversation with him.

Good luck!

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 07/05/2019 07:09

Ok good that you’ve had a honest conversation...maybe leave it there. It’s bad form that he’s deleted a chain of messages and in fairness to you OP that would set the hares running in my mind too.

However this sentence from a PP makes me think your relationship may be doomed unless you address your insecurities

Not snooping, genuinely using the phone without searching for anything

I believe that if you want to believe something hard enough you’ll find the evidence. Now him deleting messages is not helpful but as a PP said I suspect it may have been the “easy life” decision.

You have two choices here; trust him and work on your own self worth and allow yourself to believe that you are in control of your own destiny here and that you are worthy of love.

Alternatively, cut the relationship off, work on yourself solo and then re-enter the world of dating. Put frankly, your actions sound fuelled by a set pattern of behaviours that could mean you may never be able to find peace in a relationship as it stands.

Gwenhwyfar · 07/05/2019 07:12

"Because why lie if it's innocent? "

Because OP is possessive.

adaline · 07/05/2019 07:15

I think if you don't trust him then you need to end the relationship. What he does on his lunch break is largely irrelevant - you don't trust him.

He's not allowed to treat his female colleagues to lunch. You've read his WhatsApp messages more than once. Leave him and work on your self-esteem and self-confidence.

NCforthis2019 · 07/05/2019 07:21

Youre coming across as totally paranoid and insane. This relationship won’t last- he’s obviously scared of how you would react so deleted message. He lied BECAUSE he knew how you would be. Do him and yourself a favour by finding someone you trust - and let him find someone who will agree with his own ‘boundaries’

NCforthis2019 · 07/05/2019 07:22

And yes - I used to go for lunch every Friday with a male work colleague. And shock horror- I text males too, no, I’m not ‘cool’ I’m just normal. My husband trusts me because he knows me.

SaskiaRembrandt · 07/05/2019 07:24

You need to end this relationship. You don't trust him and he feels the need to hide things from you. It's not healthy for either of you.

SoupDragon · 07/05/2019 07:26

But this is MN - where everyone has male friends who they all go out with one-to-one regularly and the DHs are all super-cool blah blah.

This is a ridiculous statement. You know MN is just made up of ordinary people, right? If "everyone on MN" does X It's because a good proportion of the real life population does too.

adaline · 07/05/2019 07:29

But this is MN - where everyone has male friends who they all go out with one-to-one regularly and the DHs are all super-cool blah blah.

Or, y'know, normal people?

Omzlas · 07/05/2019 07:35

OP: do you trust your partner? As in, do you trust him to not cheat?

Drogosnextwife · 07/05/2019 07:41

OP I agree with you, it looks dodgey, and no, I wouldn't be happy if my dp was specifically arranging to meet one woman that he hasn't known for very long to go for a meal. The fact he lied just makes it even more suspicious.
Everyone gets a bit touchy on MN when it comes to male and female friendships, we have all to trust everyone 100%, even although what you describe is how most affairs start off. If you have gone through his phone you are a bad, jealous woman, and you should trust him, and he should leave you straight away... But if you just suspect something dodgey is going on because you spot a message, or he lies about where he is, everyone will tell you to go snooping, get as much info as possible, get your ducks in a row etc. I'm guessing that's pretty much what you were told on the other thread.

Drogosnextwife · 07/05/2019 07:42

Wether you trust someone or not is irrelevant, your trust doesn't stop someone cheating. Ask the thousands of woman who have been divorced because of cheating men. You can never trust someone 100%. Asking if the OP trusts their partner is a pointless thing to ask.

IAmNotAWitch · 07/05/2019 07:48

What is the point of being in a relationship with someone you don't trust? Why choose that?

DH could cheat of course but based on my observations of his character and behaviour I trust him not to. If I didn't I wouldn't be with him. Why bother?

silver3 · 07/05/2019 07:50

Soup - sorry I disagree. There does seem to be a MN “position” on this kind if issue (as on many others) and the people who tend to comment on this kind of thread invariably come in to fall in line with that.

In real life, there is far more “dissent” and breadth of opinion than on MN.

MN is self-selecting in that sense because people who think it’s too narrow-minded tend not to last long or give up.

xmasbamechange · 07/05/2019 07:54

Hmmmm I have to say that whilst I’m not sure about the whole not having sit down lunch with a colleague I don’t think it’s a good sign that he deleted the messages/conversation, that is what would concern me here. If he wanted he could just delete anything that was about lunch, he wouldn’t need to delete everything. To me personally that screams of we are talking inappropriately.

TakenForSlanted · 07/05/2019 07:58

But this is MN - where everyone has male friends who they all go out with one-to-one regularly and the DHs are all super-cool blah blah.

I suppose, then, that as one of only a few women in a male dominated job, I should stick to my few and far between fellow women when I want to have a chat at work?

Also, never must I ever speak to my peers. Seeing as I'm the only female manager around here, and seeing as all of my make peers are married, I guess must never spend time with anyone on my own level of seniority then? Or, gasp! go for a drink with them? I mean, it's practically the same thing as giving them a blowie on the conference table during the monthly finance meeting, no?

Anyway, I'm off to discuss sales strategy with the receptionist. None of the other womennare in today, I'm afraid.

silver3 · 07/05/2019 08:03

Taken - Er no, but I’d you were messaging an individual male colleague on a regular basis to plan lunch or meet-ups then that would be inappropriate in my mind. If you were stating things like “looking forward to seeing you” etc.., this is the issue.

Nobody is saying you can’t communicate with men in an office fgs.

PaperHead · 07/05/2019 08:03

silver, there are always significant numbers of people who are incredulous or disapproving of women who regularly see male friends one on one. Someone told me she didn’t believe I’d gone away with a male friend for the weekend last summer, or that, if I had, my husband could possibly be ok with it, or that a male colleague who is a brilliant cook regularly brings me in lunch.

MrsWobble3 · 07/05/2019 08:28

Silver - do you really think including ‘looking forward to seeing you’ in a text or email is suspicious? In my experience it’s a pretty standard sign off to any message arranging something. If it was a sign of nefarious intent then i must be guilty of thought crime with most of my clients, my financial adviser, the boiler repair man and sundry others.

Strugglingtodomybest · 07/05/2019 08:28

I think you should finish with him as the two of you are obviously not compatible.

If a friend at work told me that they'd met a new partner and now weren't allowed to go out for lunch with me, I'd be seriously concerned for them.

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