Boyfriend going to lunch with female colleague.

[boyfriendwhatsapp]

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about my boyfriend. He had a conversation on WhatsApp with another woman that he then deleted, which set alarm bells ringing.

I’ve been monitoring the situation since, and another conversation appeared this morning. Basically I have gleaned from the conversation that they go for lunch together at work. He has never mentioned this colleague to me, and when I’ve asked him who he’s gone for lunch for he says, ‘nobody, I was on my own.’ She was quite flirty, putting all sad face emojis when he said he wouldn’t be in for lunch that day. He wasn’t flirty and replied quite matter of fact with her on this occasion, but the small part I saw of the deleted conversation was a bit flirty.

When we were discussing boundaries at the start of our relationship, I said I didn’t think it was appropriate for a man to take another woman out for sit down lunch/dinner, and pay for it. That I thought it was a bit weird and looks strange to outsiders as that’s something a typical couple would do. I was very clear with my opinion on it and he agreed with me. Now I’m concerned he’s basically agreed with me but now is lying and doing it behind my back anyway. As well as the deleted WhatsApp conversation with her previously, the whole thing just screams dodgy. Why lie about it? Maybe he is worried I’ll be paranoid when there’s nothing going on, but it’s even worse to lie and delete conversation?!

He is a lovely partner in all other regards though, perfect even. I’m not sure whether to confront him now or continue waiting and watching, as this may be something that is more serious than I know of at present.

Lunch with several work colleagues is natural. I'd be more concerned about flirty WhatsApping.. Why do they need to WhatsApp alot if they work together? Also the fact he's deleting those messages. Why on earth is he paying for her lunch? Sounds like they're a bit too close.
Also if you're checking his phone then your gut instinct is telling you somethings amiss, listen to your gut x

@silver3 I would talk to him about his concerns and why, then act accordingly. But my DH trusts me and I trust him so we have never had that problem. Maybe you should look into getting help with your trust issues seeing as you are suggesting all female-male friendships are based on attraction and must be shut down. Clearly you don't really understand how friendship works.

I am the only girl at my place of work currently (through a confluence of weird factors). Should I never eat or drink during work hours, or don my chastity garments and sit in the stationery cupboard to eat far away from all the menz?

@silver the thing you don’t seem to get is there is no ‘plough on ahead like a bull in a china shop’ it’s just two friends meeting up. The gender is irrelevant. I wouldn’t expect them to stop meeting up unless I thought it was more than friends in which I would discuss it with my DH. For example, when we started dating I was still in good contact with an ex who had moved abroad - Facebook messenger etc. my DH told me he wasn’t comfortable with it so I stopped contact. He was insecure and it was an ex boyfriend who I’d previously had feelings for so it was fair enough. This situation does not compare with a friend he’s been friends with platonically for years. Given your example of your only interaction of your DH with a female ‘friend’ no wonder your views are so skewed.

silver, I'm bisexual. Am I not allowed to be friends with any married people?

Should I never eat or drink during work hours, or don my chastity garments and sit in the stationery cupboard to eat far away from all the menz?

Of course, that is exactly what you should do@RiversDisguise otherwise you would be disrespecting not only your own partner/DH but also all the wives/partners of those men. Remember, they must never spoken to in a social context because you will 100% be the other woman then

DISCLAIMER: the above is sarcasm.

People are being ridiculous in this thread.

The OP has basically been bullied off her own thread by posters who have called her “insecure”, “controlling,” and worse, when the reality is, she was posting from a place of anxiety and asking for balanced support.

The evidence for treating the OP in this way on a largely female forum? “Oh well, I’ve been mates with Bob for 20 years and my DH likes him.” Or, “I’m going to the cinema with Fernando tonight and we’re not having sex afterwards.”

Well, good for you, but so what??? The OP knows her DP and has decided SHE is not comfortable with the shift in his behaviour.

Have all the male friends you like, but please don’t suggest that all male-female friendships can’t possibly end in emotional / sexual affairs because we all know this is a load of bollocks.

Let’s hope the OP is being paranoid on this occasion (fingers crossed), but if she’s not, at least she won’t lose her mind in the process of finding out the DP is a chest - all because Mrs X of MN has a lovely friend Sam who she plays Scrabble with, so to hell with anyone else!

Have all the male friends you like, but please don’t suggest that all male-female friendships can’t possibly end in emotional / sexual affairs because we all know this is a load of bollocks.

This is an ironic statement coming form you, Silver3.

please don’t suggest that all male-female friendships can’t possibly end in emotional / sexual affairs because we all know this is a load of bollocks.

People are suggesting that not all Male-female friendships end in affairs.

I agree this thread has been derailed and I feel for the OP.

She said she has found flirty texts, he has lied about frequent lunch dates with a woman at work who sends him sad faces emojis when they can’t have lunch that day.
I’d be worried too. Yet everyone is hell bent on defending their male friendships and calling the OP paranoid!

I used to work in a large corporation and I saw what went on at sales conferences. I saw many affairs. So let’s not all pretend this doesn’t happen just because you have multiple platonic relationships.

silver . That's a brilliant story, and how on earth did she get from ballet to stripping? Did she genuinely think you were a stripper, or was she just being a bitch?

(I wonder if we know anyone in common -- I have a good friend who danced with Rambert and another with Scottish National Ballet a while back.)

But I think you're extrapolating an entire philosophy from meeting one unpleasant colleague of your husband's when you were young and easily intimidated by people talking shop -- and from what you say, she wasn't even a particular friend of his, just someone from his workplace that you met at finance dinners?

My male friends' spouses have no reason to be 'intimidated' or made insecure by me. They are often high achievers in their various fields, and a couple of them do glamorous things in the arts -- one is a quite well-known novelist, and one is an opera director. And as we have all succeeded in not falling into bed with one another for years, it seems pretty likely this state of affairs will continue.

So let’s not all pretend this doesn’t happen just because you have multiple platonic relationships.

Luckily, no one has said this, then. (I know nothing at all about sales conferences, and will take your word for what goes on at them.) All many people are saying is that it is perfectly possible to have strong, longterm, mutually-supportive opposite-sex friendships, which do not turn sexual, and that going for lunch with a male friend or colleague is not some kind of encroachment into sacred couple space or an indication that you are tearing one another's clothes off in the photocopy room.

So let’s not all pretend this doesn’t happen just because you have multiple platonic relationships.

Nobody is saying this at all, people seriously love to spin things around in their heads don't they
Most of us are disputing posters like Silver3 who seem convinced that nobody should be friends with the opposite sex because its inappropriate and will lead to a sexual affair. I'm pointing out you can have male friendships that are just platonic and a lot of people do.

The OP, got the responses she did because she had ridiculous "rules" and was snooping on her partners phone.

If I tend to come across as more cynical about male / female relationships, then this is based on my life experiences. I have explained why and how I tend to relate as a result. I’m being honest , as is everyone else.

These days anyway, I have 4 DC and barely have time to see my female friends. DH works extremely long hours. It’s easier to meet in groups and get everyone together for dinner or whatever in one hit, otherwise we’d never see anyone.

The fact is nobody has a clue about the personality of this DP or what he’s up to. It may be purely platonic - equally it may not be. Who knows? So all these tales of platonic male friendships and lunches or even weekends away with so-and-so are irrelevant.

If the OP does come back in a few weeks to report he has indeed been having an affair, no doubt there would be an outpouring of, “this is exactly what happened to me before DP did a runner with Flo from Finance.”

This is why I find the thread odd.

Kilt - I think she imagined I was doing stripping on the side, due to low wages and desperate times. Anyway, it was 20 years ago, but this thread reminded me of her.

You seriously are missing the point Silver3. You aren't being honest, you are giving a harsh judgment to anyone who has friends with the opposite sex and accusing us of being disrespectful to our partners and the partners of our friends. You think its odd that we have male friends but yet you cannot see past the fact that a man has a penis and have written all of them off as boring unless you find them attractive. Same as you have decided all women who have make friends must be trying it on with them.

This is what is odd, not the thread.

I’m not saying “all” or “everyone” anything Grey, but if you want to interpret it as that, then knock yourself out.

Don't try to backtrack now Silver3. you've made your judgments very clear.

FYI, the 1950s called, they'd like you and your out dated ways back.

Omg, I despair!!

This thread has been so incredibly derailed.

Op's parter lied about his activities with another woman. That IScause for concern.

People are being really mean!

It doesn't matter if she originally said she was uncomfortable with certain situations. Sometimes people are uncomfortable hypothetically, but would be more comfortable in a specific situation. In this instance, if Op knew the person existed, she may have grown in confidence with it.

Trust is built on honesty and loyalty- nothing else. If he's been dishonest, then it's on him.

Let's say someone did cheat ( not saying he did!) But if someone cheats, it's because they chose to cheat- NOT because their partner was insecure.

God's teeth!!

Oh yes, it’s MN. I’m surprised we got to almost 400 posts before someone tried out the “1950s calling” catchphrase.

You say I have a tendency to “over-sexualise” male-female relationships in general? Well I could equally accuse you of having a tendency to “under-sexualise” or be naive about these in general, based on your comments in this thread.

The fact is that your perspective is based in your experiences and mine is based on mine. If I’m more cynical than you, then so be it.

You aren't cynical. you are downright rude, sexist, and judgmental. I am laughing at your "Under-sexulise" comment. At least I don't judge a person based solely on their genitals.

As for naive, nope- I just have a trusting relationship with my DH and am not insecure. You should try it.

No idea why you’re so defensive Grey. I’m telling you I don’t have male friends in the way you do. I don’t know anyone who does really, so yes, it does seem unusual to me. I’m not making this up. So what anyway? Why get so wound up over that? Very odd indeed.

To return to the OP. He has lied repeatedly about going to lunch with female colleague. In fact I think he barely mentioned her let alone said they were friends. They what’s app flirty messages that are then deleted....

I don’t think OP is being paranoid. This thread is getting very boring with all the tales of platonic relationships that are irrelevant to the thread.

I barely have time to see my female friends or get a date night out with my husband. If I found an hour a day to spend with a new male friend then I think that would look quite odd but everyone has different relationships...

Exactly Delatron.

Dont worry @silver3 there is no point in wasting my time on discussing this with you anymore. You seem to be struggling to comprehend exactly why your view points are offensive, insulting and judgmental so I cant be asked explaining it anymore as I'm just going around in circles.
I hope you get over your insecurity and trust issues one day.