Boyfriend going to lunch with female colleague.

[boyfriendwhatsapp]

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about my boyfriend. He had a conversation on WhatsApp with another woman that he then deleted, which set alarm bells ringing.

I’ve been monitoring the situation since, and another conversation appeared this morning. Basically I have gleaned from the conversation that they go for lunch together at work. He has never mentioned this colleague to me, and when I’ve asked him who he’s gone for lunch for he says, ‘nobody, I was on my own.’ She was quite flirty, putting all sad face emojis when he said he wouldn’t be in for lunch that day. He wasn’t flirty and replied quite matter of fact with her on this occasion, but the small part I saw of the deleted conversation was a bit flirty.

When we were discussing boundaries at the start of our relationship, I said I didn’t think it was appropriate for a man to take another woman out for sit down lunch/dinner, and pay for it. That I thought it was a bit weird and looks strange to outsiders as that’s something a typical couple would do. I was very clear with my opinion on it and he agreed with me. Now I’m concerned he’s basically agreed with me but now is lying and doing it behind my back anyway. As well as the deleted WhatsApp conversation with her previously, the whole thing just screams dodgy. Why lie about it? Maybe he is worried I’ll be paranoid when there’s nothing going on, but it’s even worse to lie and delete conversation?!

He is a lovely partner in all other regards though, perfect even. I’m not sure whether to confront him now or continue waiting and watching, as this may be something that is more serious than I know of at present.

also it’s disrespectful to his wife / partner.

How is it disrespectful?

Also, saying you know immediately if you arent attracted to someone just makes you look vein but judging by your low opinions of people that doesnt suprise me.

“Do you equate contact with men with sex and romance?”

I think I mainly equate it with potential hassle, at some point down the line. I’m very aware that don’t want to tread on their wives / girlfriend’s toes either and even the very thought of this would make me cringe. Also, I just have more in common with women in that way.

I think with men there’s either potential attraction (in which case don’t go there)! or not (which is most of the time, but I don’t find them as interesting as women, or don’t have much in common / relate as easily).

Yes you can have a shared hobby, but that’s nit what aid call a friend. That’s “a man who I happen to do running with.”

Of course DH and I hang out with other couples all the time and I know the DHs well. But even so, I wouid never call one of them individually to go out for a coffee or lunch, unless it was for a very specific purpose. I just don’t feel the need to ever do this kind of thing. Nor does anyone I know.

Grey - am I allowed to have an opinion or not? Sorry if it doesn’t fit in with your vision.

But no, he wouldn’t go for lunch with a female employee. It would fuel gossip, look unprofessional, aside from anything else.

So instead, I suppose, female professionals should let the boys go for lunch with the boss on the grounds that it might fuel gossip and look unprofessional? And then the boys get all chummy with said boss. And lunch becomes drinks, and drinks becomes dinner and meeting up occasionally becomes a friendship and then the men get all the promotions and the women are told they have "a visibility problem" and that they "have to put themselves out there and network" if they want to progress. Except they can't, because it'd fuel gossip and look unprofessional, and then the whole thing turns into one giant mess of a circle jerk. Or, more professionally worded, structural discrimination.

So, no thanks! Fuck that! And, yes, stupid people have asked me if I've fucked my boss before because we're chummy. I haven't. I said we hadn't. And again said I hadn't when they asked me if I'd fucked his boss, who has taken a bit of a shine to me. Because I haven't.

I'd rather idiots gossip than deny myself the chance to play the workplace Game of Thrones on par with my male peers.

I think it’s genuinely sad that some people women can’t/won’t have a male friend
The usual reasons cited are
Men and women can’t be friends there’s always a sexual texnsion or agenda.one of them wants to be intimate with the other (usually levelled at the man)

It’s disrespectful your or their dp. To have friend of opposite sex. As if being friendly with as if the mere proximity is in itself a challenge to your dp

Your dp should meet all your friendship/support needs one doesn’t need to introduce another male for that.

I have a difficult & demanding job which means I spend a lot of time with colleagues male & female, I have male colleagues I am friends with we get each other

I have male friends and I see them independently of dp, again we get each other

My dp has never asked to justify my friendship these males

My male friend is currently struggling with his child's diagnosis of SEN. We've talked about that. Like I would with a female friend. I don't tend to talk about my sex life with anyone. I had issue with my DD's teacher. I spoke to him about that. Normal friendship stuff.

He also vetted my DH for me when he was a boyfriend. My DH likes him and encourages me to see him. His exW is still friends with me so I think she probably didn't hate me!

silver
What would happen if you had to take a male client out for dinner (or your husband had to take a female client out)? Would you refuse?

Or if neither of you are in that position do you assume that business people who are are all sleeping with each other?

I think with men there’s either potential attraction (in which case don’t go there)! or not (which is most of the time, but I don’t find them as interesting as women, or don’t have much in common / relate as easily).

It seems quite strange to me that you find men interesting as human being only if you are sexually attracted to them, but if you're not or if sex is off the cards because you are both committed elsewhere they're less interesting than women, and you don't relate to them or find much in common.

Is the possibility/actuality of going to bed with someone really that transformative -- that it makes someone suddenly relatable and interesting purely on those grounds?

@silver3 never said that you weren't allowed you sad and weird opinion. But you are making some big assumptions about women which is where you are wrong as you really cant paint us all with the same brush.

Also dont know why you are only calling me out when most of the other posters on here also have criticised your posts

I think with men there’s either potential attraction (in which case don’t go there)! or not (which is most of the time, but I don’t find them as interesting as women, or don’t have much in common / relate as easily).

Are you saying that men are only interesting when there is sexual involvement? If so, isnt that quite judgmental and close minded as well as a massive generalisation about all men? How can you say all men are boring on a platonic level? It just seems unusual that we worked and still do work so hard for equality only for people to feel like platonic relationships with the opposite sex are "inappropriate" "disrespectful" and "hard work". Of course to each their own but surly silver you can understand how your view isnt normal and is actually a bit offensive?

TakenforSlanted - fair point. And an extension of that would be that so much “business” is done while racing cats or other events that subtly exclude women.

Still, if the boss is taking a particular woman out got lunch on a regular basis (not a one off) then that will fuel speculation. This is obvious.

Paper - to respond to your summary, why is it strange? We’re all drawn towards friendships with people we have more in common with and feel more comfortable with. That goes for female friendships too.

Not only abnormal and a bit offensive but a touch unhinged as well.

What is offensive about it?

Sorry “cars” not “cats”

Don't think I've ever been cat racing. Sounds fun

Sorry.

Perhaps you would feel reassured if you met some of his work colleagues, why not suggest going for work drinks or something? If you met her you may not feel there's such a threat. (Or maybe confirm your concerns)

I regularly have lunch with my male colleagues - I work with mostly men so don't have much choice, we'll often take it in turns to pay for each others food too. We also use emojis when texting

Fortunately I know my colleagues wives well and they know my husband so nobody feels uncomfortable. Your partner can't avoid women at work so just try to get to know them.

Which events subtly exclude women?

What’s offensive about it is that you’re saying the only point of having any meaningful communication or relationship with someone of the opposite sex is to jump their bones. I know the view of men can be pretty cynical on MN, but your opinions hit new lows.

I’m just being honest and Im sure I’m not the only one who feels like this (well I know I’m not).

Is there a law that says I have to have male BFFs? (hate that term). No. So if it doesn’t come naturally to me and I don’t feel as if I’m missing anything, what’s the problem?

Alsohuman - I have explained that upthread.

You asked what was offensive. I’ve told you.

silver3

I find it a bit odd that you say you have nothing in common with men - have you met all of them then? But you do with women - again, have you met all of them?

Surely there will be women that you don't get on with and conversely men that you do?

And again, how do you view workplaces where people have to take members of the opposite sex out for dinner?

Do you are telling me that it’s “offendive” if zi mske a distinction between having men and women as friends?

Well I do experience a difference and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t aware if that. So there it is.

Decomposing - if you read that I’m saying, you will find that I said just that. We all gravitate towards friends that we feel we have more in common with and /or comfortable with - whether this be men or women.

No of course I don’t get on with all women

But I feel I can be less boundaried around female friends which is why I make more effort in these friendships.

Again, to repeat, I make a clear distinction between acquaintances and what I think of as friends.