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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend going to lunch with female colleague.

530 replies

boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 14:58

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about my boyfriend. He had a conversation on WhatsApp with another woman that he then deleted, which set alarm bells ringing.

I’ve been monitoring the situation since, and another conversation appeared this morning. Basically I have gleaned from the conversation that they go for lunch together at work. He has never mentioned this colleague to me, and when I’ve asked him who he’s gone for lunch for he says, ‘nobody, I was on my own.’ She was quite flirty, putting all sad face emojis when he said he wouldn’t be in for lunch that day. He wasn’t flirty and replied quite matter of fact with her on this occasion, but the small part I saw of the deleted conversation was a bit flirty.

When we were discussing boundaries at the start of our relationship, I said I didn’t think it was appropriate for a man to take another woman out for sit down lunch/dinner, and pay for it. That I thought it was a bit weird and looks strange to outsiders as that’s something a typical couple would do. I was very clear with my opinion on it and he agreed with me. Now I’m concerned he’s basically agreed with me but now is lying and doing it behind my back anyway. As well as the deleted WhatsApp conversation with her previously, the whole thing just screams dodgy. Why lie about it? Maybe he is worried I’ll be paranoid when there’s nothing going on, but it’s even worse to lie and delete conversation?!

He is a lovely partner in all other regards though, perfect even. I’m not sure whether to confront him now or continue waiting and watching, as this may be something that is more serious than I know of at present.

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 07/05/2019 20:11

I think I made it pretty clear what I thought was offensive.

silver3 · 07/05/2019 20:13

Alsohuman / if you’re offended, just say why. Don’t allude to it.

DecomposingComposers · 07/05/2019 20:14

But I feel I can be less boundaried around female friends which is why I make more effort in these friendships.

Wow. I really don't know what to say.

YouBumder · 07/05/2019 20:14

Grow up

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2019 20:16

@silver3
I just dont understand how you can know you wont find any man interesting on a platonic level. How could you possibly know all men? Its a bit offensive to make assumptions surly?

other events that subtly exclude women.

What events are these exactly?

I'm not trying to be mean, just open to a challenging discussion but you seem to not be responding to any of my questions or posts directed at you.

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2019 20:19

@silver3

Alsohuman / if you’re offended, just say why. Don’t allude to it.

She did explain why she was offended very clearly on the previous page. Same reason im offended too.

silver3 · 07/05/2019 20:19

Ok should I just lie then?

“Yes men and women - all the same. Yes I get Jack, Bob and Paul round whenever I’m pissed off with DH. Why hold back? Worried about my smear test? They’re always there to share. While we’re at it, let’s go in holiday and all share a caravan..,”

Confused
GreytExpectations · 07/05/2019 20:29

Nobody is telling you to lie.....

WhiteDust · 07/05/2019 20:45

silver There are plenty of women who love to moan about their OH & discuss smear tests over a bottle of Prosecco with their 'girlfriends'

It's not unusual for the 'girls' to just go out with the 'girls' and the men to just go out with the men but a lot of people are saying they don't live in that world.

I don't. I have as many male friends as female. We do not go around shagging each other, we are all married to other people!

PaperHead · 07/05/2019 20:46

silver, do you get Bev, Maureen and Linda around every time you’re annoyed with your husband? Do they accompany you for smears like a gynaecological Greek chorus? And do you go on girls’ caravanning holidays where you shriek with girlish glee about nail varnish and spa days while the wind drives in off the beach at Cromer?

If not, I really don’t see why you would expect Jack, Bob and Paul to do so.

silver3 · 07/05/2019 20:50

“Gynaecological Greek Chorus” Grin

No, but I think you can take my point.

Or people can just carry on being wilfully obtuse?

RussellSprout · 07/05/2019 20:52

The real question is why don't you trust him? Been burned before?

QuilliamCakespeare · 07/05/2019 20:53

I have two male friends, both ex colleagues, that I meet (solo) for lunch sometimes. I'm happily married and have zero romantic interest in them.

Figure8 · 07/05/2019 20:54

Well he shouldn’t lie but it might just be because he knows you have a thing about it

And to everyone who said similar...

No! People lie because the choose to lie- not because anyone made them.

There is a degree of trust everyone should receive at the beginning of a relationship, but beyong that ( I feel) deep trust is earned by being honest and loyal.

If they're only 6 months in, then she's probably not at the deep trust phase. This is one of those things that could either build or completely break the trust.

OP stumbled across the message.

She SHOULDNT have looked at the other messages.
But...
However, her bf deliberately lied.

Her opinions on lunches/ dinners etc doesn't matter. He lied.

OP
It's early enough in the saga to be clear and honest with him. Tell him you read the message and apologise.
BUT- him lying is way off side. Maybe explain that you can deal with any truth but you wouldn't be able to deal with lies.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/05/2019 21:26

I don't talk to my male friends about my smears. But equally I don't talk to any of my lazy-arse female friends about running and I do with my male friend, because he runs, and they have uteri. Different interests.

The issue is not whether you have male friends silver it's that you appear to think women shouldn't have male friends. I couldn't give a shiny if you only have female friends. But I find it offensive that you think women are weird or disrespectful if they choose to.

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2019 21:44

The issue is not whether you have male friends silver it's that you appear to think women shouldn't have male friends. I couldn't give a shiny if you only have female friends. But I find it offensive that you think women are weird or disrespectful if they choose to.

This x 100 is also my issue with your opinions silver3. That and you seem to have very little respect for men as you can only find then interesting if you have a sexual connection with them.

DecomposingComposers · 07/05/2019 21:51

Maybe explain that you can deal with any truth but you wouldn't be able to deal with lies.

But she can't deal with any truth though can she? She has told him that she won't accept him going out for a meal with a woman so he has 2 choices - do as he's told or end the relationship.

Ginger1982 · 07/05/2019 21:58

So I'm not defending everything silver has said but I can empathise to an extent.

DH grew up surrounded by close male and female friends due to an organisation he was part of. I on the other hand was overweight and very self conscious as a teen and into early adulthood. I was never in the 'cool crowd' and never had any male friends. Today, any male 'friends' I have are DH's friends or the husbands of my friends and I probably wouldn't go as far as to call them (the men) 'friends.'

But I'm certainly under no illusions that people can and do have friendships with the opposite sex that are just that. I guess because I've never really had it, I don't really understand it. In the same was as having no siblings means I don't understand that relationship dynamic.

Or maybe I'm just crazy, who knows! 😆

silver3 · 07/05/2019 22:02

Grey / not sure why you had to wait for MrsT to formulate that objection for you. But anyway...

What I do find irritating, as I said pages ago, is not women who have male acquaintances / friends per se.

What one woman may call a friend, would be another’s acquaintance and this happens in many different levels.

It is the attitude of, “Well if his wife has a problem with it, why should I care...”

I just see this kind of attitude as arrogant, very sad and most probably delusional. And it has been expressed on this thread.

PaperHead · 07/05/2019 22:11

I went to a convent school all the way you though from 3 to eighteen, so only discovered men weren’t an alien species at university. But it was a very pleasant and enriching discovery.

PaperHead · 07/05/2019 22:12

Sorry, that was to Ginger.

Figure8 · 07/05/2019 22:17

But she can't deal with any truth though can she? She has told him that she won't accept him going out for a meal with a woman so he has 2 choices - do as he's told or end the relationship

But that was part of a conversation that HE brought up.

And I also think that it's a bit fishy that the first wife dumped him due to him having dinners with other women.

If that's all it was ( and no reason to assume it isnt), and if it was worth leaving a marriage for, then surely, during the " boundaries" conversation, he would have said that he has a lot of female friends, he likes going out for meals, and that is that.

Seems a bit off to me.
But, I have the experience of being with someone who lied constantly, but at the beginning told me just enough truth to pave the way for more lies.

IABUQueen · 07/05/2019 22:18

Go out with male colleagues and have a great time , get them to pay for u and then
Tell him allllll about it.

PaperHead · 07/05/2019 22:26

I still don’t get why you think why anyone should consider as a priority the possible feelings of the spouses of their male friends any more than those of their female friends, silver. You sound as if you think women should be seeking special dispensation or absolution for something entirely ordinary.

People are responsible for their own feelings. DH has a female friend I don’t much like, but, after all, she’s nothing to do with me. She’s a good friend to him. We’re just very different people.

Vehivle · 07/05/2019 22:42

Haven't RTFT - I posted on your previous thread though. And FWIW I agree wholly with @bellaellie and @Bunnybaubles

I don't think you're being paranoid or crazy as many people have said here. I think your partner is acting very sneaky. Possibly hasn't yet cheated but is probably starting the beginnings of an emotional affair which left long term could turn physical.

Perhaps because my husband has always been in male dominated fields and has only ever had guy friends... but I'd be a bit surprised if he went out for lunch with a female colleague and paid for her meal. As a one off I'd assumed he was just being nice. But if he then began doing so everyday I wouldn't be happy. I'd be beyond unhappy and in fact very annoyed if I then learnt he was texting her outside of work hours. I don't know what I'd do if I then discovered he'd actually deleted the conversations with her too. If I didn't have kids, I'd end the relationship. The man clearly cannot be trusted and I don't think I'd ever feel completely secure him ever again and that's very important to me. We've got kids now so I probably wouldn't end the relationship for their sake but I would issue a massive ultimatum of either he totally changes his behaviour and never keep secret relationships from me again or we end it.

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