Boyfriend going to lunch with female colleague.

[boyfriendwhatsapp]

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about my boyfriend. He had a conversation on WhatsApp with another woman that he then deleted, which set alarm bells ringing.

I’ve been monitoring the situation since, and another conversation appeared this morning. Basically I have gleaned from the conversation that they go for lunch together at work. He has never mentioned this colleague to me, and when I’ve asked him who he’s gone for lunch for he says, ‘nobody, I was on my own.’ She was quite flirty, putting all sad face emojis when he said he wouldn’t be in for lunch that day. He wasn’t flirty and replied quite matter of fact with her on this occasion, but the small part I saw of the deleted conversation was a bit flirty.

When we were discussing boundaries at the start of our relationship, I said I didn’t think it was appropriate for a man to take another woman out for sit down lunch/dinner, and pay for it. That I thought it was a bit weird and looks strange to outsiders as that’s something a typical couple would do. I was very clear with my opinion on it and he agreed with me. Now I’m concerned he’s basically agreed with me but now is lying and doing it behind my back anyway. As well as the deleted WhatsApp conversation with her previously, the whole thing just screams dodgy. Why lie about it? Maybe he is worried I’ll be paranoid when there’s nothing going on, but it’s even worse to lie and delete conversation?!

He is a lovely partner in all other regards though, perfect even. I’m not sure whether to confront him now or continue waiting and watching, as this may be something that is more serious than I know of at present.

It’s a question that comes up time and time again so it’s fair that Silver brings it up.
Can men and women actually be friends without developing feelings for each other? Many saying yes it’s fine but it wouldn’t be such a heavily discussed topic in life if it were that clear cut.

There was a similar thread recently and the general opinion was friends of the opposite sex before the marriage/ relationship were fine but sudden new friendships after marriage not really ok. This thread is so different!

We all have different experiences and relationships...

In my personal view, there is a different dynamic in male-female relationships compared to same sex ones.
Even if you’re not attracted to them at all, it’s just different.
As I said, there have been occasions when I’ve tried to convince myself something was platonic. More fool me.
And even if nothing ever came about, I wouldn’t want to be in the position of being the “other woman” to some married man. Even if it was only a platonic “other woman”.
I would hate to feel that I share things with a male friend that I don’t share with DH. It would detract from my relationship and, to me, it would feel wrong.
With girlfriends there is a different dynamic and a different understanding.

Oh dear OP this thread isn’t going the way you intended!

For what it is worth there is nothing wrong with two people of the opposite sex having lunch together.

What is wrong is the lies your boyfriend is telling you, the deletion of messages etc. If there was nothing to hide he shouldn’t be doing this

Is your relationship mature enough for you to tell him how this makes you feel and him to be honest and not hide things or delete messages?

He is broken your trust. If my DH did this I would expect him to earn it back by not lieing and showing me future messages.

In my personal view, there is a different dynamic in male-female relationships compared to same sex ones.

But, surely, there's also a different dynamic, e.g. between work friendships and old childhood friendships. And many other categories.

FWIW, my work BFF happens to also be my direct boss. Or, more like: I've chosen my work BFF as the person I refer to as my direct superior and e.g. ask for my performance reviews etc. (in practice it's a matrix organisation and correspondingly complicated). My second best work friend happens to be someone who has chosen me as her boss in the same sense. So, while we're all good friends and will discuss personal stuff at times, there's also always a component of "this friend can technically get my arse fired" involved in a way there just isn't when you're meeting with someone you went to uni with but may not be as close to nowadays.

Lobg story short: of course sex will impact your relationship with friends. But so will a million other factors.

I think your attitude is strange silver3

Shock / horror I went to a football match with a friend's husband last night. I was booked in for dog sitting and as she'd hurt her back she didn't want her ticket to go to waste. On the way we talked about history and politics and on the way back we talked about football. And we had a meal at the ground and actually sat down to eat it.

Thank goodness I have friends with common sense.

Many saying yes it’s fine but it wouldn’t be such a heavily discussed topic in life if it were that clear cut.

Personally, it's like discovering a whole set of unwritten rules I had no idea about, but that, if I am to believe Mn, some percentage of women do live their lives by.

And it's fascinating, in a depressing kind of way, hearing from people who genuinely think that men and women can't have unproblematic friendships without ripping one another's clothes off, or wanting to, purely because they are themselves incapable of leaving sex out of the equation.

I wouldn’t want to be in the position of being the “other woman” to some married man. Even if it was only a platonic “other woman”.

But there are you are again, silver, sexualising things.

Maybe someone could do a survey figuring out if there's a relationship between people with an unusually high libido and an inability to have platonic male/female friendships. I mean, I think of myself as having a pretty healthy sex drive, but I've been not falling onto male friends' for decades, so perhaps not.

And we had a meal at the ground and actually sat down to eat it.

Well, I'm afraid that's a couples-only thing, so you should immediately get divorced from your respective spouses and marry one another. I read it on the internet.

And what @takenforslanted has would be a red line for me: I could not be chums with someone who has the ability to fire my ass and I’ve actually had to discourage this in my personal life too...just because I would always feel a weird imbalance, as lovely as my boss is and she’s always been amazing with me.

So yeah, different strokes. Which is sort of what @silver3 is getting at no, although her assertion that her situation is the norm (it seems) doesn’t ring true.

PaperHead

Someone should tell my friend. She texted me to remind me to use her ticket to get 10% discount whe I paid for the meal.

And I don't have a spouse
That probably makes it even worse

My eyes are rolling so far back in my head at every new post that comes from you @silver3 i cant take you seriously at all as your assumptions and opinions on men and women are so beyond insane that there is little point in attempting to discuss it with you.

Ilovesooty Officially a Dangerous Woman, then.

I think you are right that there can be a different dynamic in male/female relationships, but I don't see that as a problem. It is still just a form of friendship.

I’ve never felt the need to even try and develop platonic male friendships though.
I don’t think many women do, unless they have a common interest or hobby.
I find I have far more in common with women and you never have to worry about getting too close or about boundaries with women (well I don’t).
I’m probably only attracted to about 5% of men anyway (if that) and I’ve always had a very specific type, but this is not the point.
There are men on my course, but I don’t feel the need to be on a private WhatsApp with them. I would go for a coffee to discuss an essay or particular case, but I wouldn’t make it into a regular expectation. Why go there?

PaperHead evidently.

Also I never went on dates “speculatively” because I know instantly if I’m attracted to someone or not, so there’s no point time-wasting, I just found it awkward. I guess occasionally occasionally someone can grow on you as you get to know them, but this is the exception.

No doubt you will tell me I’m ridiculous, but this is how it is for me. I’m just being honest,

I don’t want to have a close platonic friendship with another man because I don’t need that in my life.

I’ve never felt the need to even try and develop platonic male friendships though.

There are men on my course, but I don’t feel the need to be on a private WhatsApp with them.

What's this 'need', though? For me, it's exactly whatever impulse of liking makes me talk to people and not others after meetings or events, or stay in touch after whatever concrete reason a class, a job we have for seeing one another ends. The feeling that this is a potential friend. And I don't think of WhatsApp as 'private' any more than I think of a phone number as private. It's just a way of keeping in touch, surely?

I’m probably only attracted to about 5% of men anyway (if that) and I’ve always had a very specific type, but this is not the point.

But you said yourself further up the thread that every single male friendship you've had has turned into a sexual relationship. So why rule out the other 95% as potential friends? It's just as likely they don't fancy you, after all.

Where exactly are they having lunch- Pret? a canteen?

Most people don’t have time for a romantic lunch in a cosy Italian when working.

I only had male colleagues for years so I ate lunch with them. The question is - is he deleting messages and not telling the truth because he has something to hide or because you are the jealous and possessive type? Difficult for an outsider with only your side of the story to decide.

I regularly have lunch with men I work with and business associates. It can be friendship and it can be purely business or a bit of both. I've never thought anything of it and nor would I of a partner or husband. How boring life would be if you never have friendly chats with the opposite sex. Like living in Saudi Arabia or the 17th century.

Silver; sorry, but you’re nuts.

A man and a woman can have lunch together without it meaning anything. I used to go for dinner while working abroad with a male colleague: I ended up friends with his wife too (and ended up marrying her brother: so we also ended up on holidays together too)

I regularly message a couple of my male colleagues; my husband will see notifications pop up on my screen: I don’t hide it. He’s not the jealous sort.

He also goes for lunch with female colleagues; even meeting some of them for coffee on their days off (accompanied by our toddler son; so not remotely dodgy.)

I went to lunch with my male colleague today. We went to a cafe. Just me & him. He is married, I am married and we spent our time eating lunch, talking about work and our respective families.
We get on great but my God he's the last person on earth I'd jump into bed with. NOT my type. Same goes for him, he's absolutely besotted with his wife & barely shuts up about her.
It's brilliant, we're friends.

Silver would love me. I have loads of male friends, work with incredibly fit men and get to be up close and personal with various parts of their bodies

Have never fancied any of them. Have often discussed things like kids, relationships and other life stuff with them.

Oddly enough they've all managed to control their penises around me too....l.

My DH would meet for lunch with a business associate ie a lunch meeting. But no, he wouldn’t go for lunch with a female employee. It would fuel gossip, look unprofessional, aside from anything else.

When I said I’m only attracted to a few percent of men, this is true. Most men I’m not attracted to. Please don’t misunderstand me because it’s not at all the case that I feel at risk of having sex with all random men Its hard to explain - Its mord the case that I wouldn’t want the emotional intimacy, if that makes sense.

I’m distinguishing clearly here between an “acquaintance” and a “friend.” For instance, with my female friends, we can talk about everything and anything - sex lives, marriages, you name it. I tell them things I might not tell my DH and it’s s different kind of support. I couldn’t imagine having that kind of friendship with a man and I wouldn’t want one because it would feel like a breach of trust. Do I guess, for me, male friendships always feel inevitably limited which is why I don’t really bother.

So when I go to the running club there are men there and sure we might chat about very surface things, but I don’t count them as friends in the same way as my female friends and I know I wouldn’t go past a certain limit with them. Once I went past that limit, I wouid feel like my marriage has lost something and also it’s disrespectful to his wife / partner.

”I don’t want to have a close platonic friendship with another man because I don’t need that in my life.”

I’m sorry, @silver3 but this is incredibly narrow-minded of you! I have friends of both sexes, and all my friendships bring me so much joy, encouragement, support, happiness - it seems like madness to deny yourself all the joy you could have from friendships with men. I can’t imagine being that - well, bigoted is the only word.

Do you equate contact with men with sex and romance? I think it is interesting that you don't see the point in male platonic friends in particular.

To me, I am much more interested in the person and if they are male or female comes very much in second place. So I can´t imagine not being platonic friends with someone because them being male would make it pointless. I also have friends of different levels of closeness of both sexes. So while I wouldn't want to discuss my sex life with my male friends, I also wouldn't want to discuss it with the vast majority of my female friends either.