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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend going to lunch with female colleague.

530 replies

boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 14:58

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about my boyfriend. He had a conversation on WhatsApp with another woman that he then deleted, which set alarm bells ringing.

I’ve been monitoring the situation since, and another conversation appeared this morning. Basically I have gleaned from the conversation that they go for lunch together at work. He has never mentioned this colleague to me, and when I’ve asked him who he’s gone for lunch for he says, ‘nobody, I was on my own.’ She was quite flirty, putting all sad face emojis when he said he wouldn’t be in for lunch that day. He wasn’t flirty and replied quite matter of fact with her on this occasion, but the small part I saw of the deleted conversation was a bit flirty.

When we were discussing boundaries at the start of our relationship, I said I didn’t think it was appropriate for a man to take another woman out for sit down lunch/dinner, and pay for it. That I thought it was a bit weird and looks strange to outsiders as that’s something a typical couple would do. I was very clear with my opinion on it and he agreed with me. Now I’m concerned he’s basically agreed with me but now is lying and doing it behind my back anyway. As well as the deleted WhatsApp conversation with her previously, the whole thing just screams dodgy. Why lie about it? Maybe he is worried I’ll be paranoid when there’s nothing going on, but it’s even worse to lie and delete conversation?!

He is a lovely partner in all other regards though, perfect even. I’m not sure whether to confront him now or continue waiting and watching, as this may be something that is more serious than I know of at present.

OP posts:
adaline · 07/05/2019 15:05

So @silver3 as soon as you marry, you can't be close friends with people of the opposite sex anymore?

Don't be so bloody ridiculous.

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2019 15:06

Well I never really had “male friends” in the way some women seem to. If I did, they became boyfriends invariably. Same with DH really.

Well, this explains it. You clearly don't seem to understand how friendship works then which explains why you are against females and males being friends. Just because a woman is friends with a man dos not automatically mean they will end up together. What a warped view of reality you have got Confused

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2019 15:09

So @silver3 as soon as you marry, you can't be close friends with people of the opposite sex anymore?

@adaline of course she can't otherwise she will suddenly find herself that man's girlfriend if she befriends him because that is apparently what always happened to every single one of her male friends Hmm

PaperHead · 07/05/2019 15:11

Well, then, that affects your view on male-female friendships, silver, surely. You see them all as heading towards becoming sexual relationships. Whereas I've been with my husband for 28 years, and my male friendships have always been entirely platonic, the same as my female ones. They're not 'heading' anywhere, certainly not anywhere sexual, they're just friendships. Surely it's not that hard to understand that other people don't share your view that male-female friendships inevitably get sexual?

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2019 15:15

Silver, I think your experiences say more about you than about male-female friendships. Seeing as they always headed somewhere sexual for you then I imagine you go into the friendship expecting and hoping it turns into something? In that case, obviously it is wrong if the man or woman is in a serious and committed relationship. However, that is not how most people would see a friendship. I think you need to take your own advise and "get real" in understanding how boundaries work with friends before coming on here and telling us that our friendships with married men are inappropriate.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 07/05/2019 15:18

Your mistake was posting in AIBU. People love a good pile on. You would have received far better advice over in Relationships.

FWIW I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, and I think he’s only mentioned this new lunch buddy now because he’s worried you might have seen the messages.

Does he normally delete whatsapp threads? Or just the one with her? There lies your answer about whether he’s up to no good.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 07/05/2019 15:25

Why do people always say 'your mistake was posting in aibu' or you won't get very good advice in aibu just because people aren't agreeing with you.

You're dismissing a load of peoples opinions just because you don't agree with them.

I wouldn't want to head over to relationships if you're just going to be told what you're doing is okay when it clearly isnt.

People are telling the OP that she needs to talk to her partner and not check up on him. Also that male and female relationships are okay. She has also been told that his lying wasn't okay. What's wrong with that?

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2019 15:29

*Why do people always say 'your mistake was posting in aibu' or you won't get very good advice in aibu just because people aren't agreeing with you.

You're dismissing a load of peoples opinions just because you don't agree with them.*

This ^ 100%. Just because someone is going to he told what they don't want to hear doesn't mean they should never have posted. What a ridiculous statement.

ilovesooty · 07/05/2019 15:35

I imagine if the OP had posted in Relationships she'd have been told that snooping through his phone is fine and been provided with further handy hints for monitoring and surveillance.

Alsohuman · 07/05/2019 15:35

So @silver, you can’t be friends with someone of the opposite sex without fucking them? It must be miserable to be so defined by your genitals.

silver3 · 07/05/2019 16:03

In response to the above comments, I’m talking from my own experience. I was in a co-ed school, uni and workplaces obviously, so there were always boys /men around, but I never felt the need for one-on/one friendships with them. I never felt like I had that much in common with them, I guess. Or it felt awkward.

These days I’m 42 and have my own family so, even if I had the time, I’d feel like a spare part hanging round some other man and his family and harking on about being “friends”.

I mean I can see why I might be interested in having lunch with someone I worked with, if I wanted to hear his views in a work-related matter. But no, I don’t want to hear about his issues with his wife or whatever - talk to her!

It’s very easy for that boundary to be crossed imo.

These days, if there was some woman hanging round our family, maintaining she was best friends with DH and “all our yesteryears..etc etc”, I would just think she was unhinged. Have people not got enough on as it is?

He never had female friends in that sense anyway.

SoupDragon · 07/05/2019 16:08

It’s very easy for that boundary to be crossed imo.

It's very easy not to cross it.

SoupDragon · 07/05/2019 16:08

if there was some woman hanging round our family, maintaining she was best friends with DH and “all our yesteryears..etc etc”, I would just think she was unhinged. Have people not got enough on as it is?

How about if that woman was maintaining she was best friends with you?

silver3 · 07/05/2019 16:14

“How about if that woman was maintaining she was best friends with you?”

Yes well of course I have close female friends from past and present. But I personally, wouldn’t want to maintain that kind of friendship with a man. It’s the same for DH (but the other way round).

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 07/05/2019 16:19

I think @silver3 is getting it in the neck a bit. Whilst I don’t agree particularly with the basic premise she’s coming from which is fundamentally men and women can’t really be friends, esp when one party is familied up etc I’ve seen the scenarios play out of which she speaks.

I know how very upset one of my (avowedly single and loving it) friends was when her BFF from uni got married to a girl and had a family all within something like 16 months. It knocked her for six and she did at one point come across badly when she felt he’d kicked her to the curb for his girlfriend/wife and then child.

Secondly, I also can appreciate that not everyone’s intentions are always good when it comes to friendships of the opposite sex respecting the relationship of one party. It can happen with BFF relationships of the same sex - don’t get me wrong - but it’s so uncomfortable when it’s with the opposite sex.

Everyone’s boundaries are different, and I think the OP and @Silver3 have probably had bad experiences in the past or have endemic trust issues that drive certain behaviours which come across as dogmatic.

But I don’t think @silver3 is so off the mark as is being made out.

adaline · 07/05/2019 16:20

But I personally, wouldn’t want to maintain that kind of friendship with a man

But that's your choice. You've decided that all male/female friendships are going to result in relationships or affairs - which obviously means you don't trust yourself, otherwise they'd stay platonic friendships, no?

However you can of course make whatever ridiculous choices you want, but don't tar other women with the same brush as you. I have plenty of great male friends (most of my colleagues are male) and I certainly wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone who told me I couldn't have lunch with them occasionally, or who told me I wasn't allowed to be close friends with [gasp] another man.

silver3 · 07/05/2019 16:22

I don’t have trust issues. I’ve never been cheated on as far as I know. But I just can’t be bothered with charades or interfering in other people’s lives.

Alsohuman · 07/05/2019 16:23

You have very weird ideas about friendship.

PaperHead · 07/05/2019 16:23

I’d feel like a spare part hanging round some other man and his family and harking on about being “friends”.

if there was some woman hanging round our family, maintaining she was best friends with DH and “all our yesteryears..etc etc”, I would just think she was unhinged

silver, look at your language, and the way in which you seem to be seeing male/female friendships as unwanted and unwelcome intrusions based on delusion and nostalgia. And you always seem to imagine the female friends wittering on about their friendships, despite the fact that I can't imagine a situation in which I would be telling a male friend's wife about our friendship. I mean, why would I?

Can you genuinely not conceive of a situation in which you or your DH's good friend was male/female, and was off doing stuff friends do with you or him, not 'hanging around' you or your spouse talking about the larks of 1981, just like same-sex friends? It doesn't have to be a friendship that predates your marriage either -- the male friend I see most of these days I've only known for five years.

DH is seeing an old female friend of his, a colleague from a previous job tonight for dinner in London, as he's working there today. She's coming up to retirement age, and DH is mid-40s -- does the age gap, and the fact that she's very ill, make it OK?

And yes, everyone's busy, and we have no childcare we don't pay for, hence I tend to see my friend for a workday lunch, and DH is fitting in seeing his friend after a late meeting this evening, because I'm working from home today, and can do pick-ups etc. Everyone needs time away from the family.

adaline · 07/05/2019 16:24

But I just can’t be bothered with charades or interfering in other people’s lives.

What the bleeding hell does that have to do with having friends of the opposite sex?

PaperHead · 07/05/2019 16:25

But I just can’t be bothered with charades or interfering in other people’s lives.

silver, do you have any female friends? Do these friendships involve 'charades and interfering'?

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2019 16:30

@silver3

I would just think she was unhinged.

Unhinged, really?! So all of women who have male friends are unhinged? Good god, do go and get a grip

I never felt like I had that much in common with them, I guess

Oh, so because of the genitals you were born with you cant possibly have anything in common with someone who was born with different genitals, unless you planned on having sex of course. Because thats the only way men and women can have something in common?

It’s very easy for that boundary to be crossed imo.

Nope, not easy at all for the majority of us who are able to look at the opposite sex as just another person instead of the fact that they have a penis. Unfortunately you seem to be unable to get past that.

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2019 16:31

But I just can’t be bothered with charades or interfering in other people’s lives.

What the fuck do you think a friendship actually is?! You seem to have a very bizarre view of it.

ilovesooty · 07/05/2019 16:35

Why should having lunch with a man or having a friendship with one mean he tells you about his issues with his wife?

origamiunicorn · 07/05/2019 16:39

Male and female colleagues are allowed to have lunch together. You're being ridiculous.

^^ This