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Original poster

Boyfriend going to lunch with female colleague.

530 replies

boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 14:58

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about my boyfriend. He had a conversation on WhatsApp with another woman that he then deleted, which set alarm bells ringing.

I’ve been monitoring the situation since, and another conversation appeared this morning. Basically I have gleaned from the conversation that they go for lunch together at work. He has never mentioned this colleague to me, and when I’ve asked him who he’s gone for lunch for he says, ‘nobody, I was on my own.’ She was quite flirty, putting all sad face emojis when he said he wouldn’t be in for lunch that day. He wasn’t flirty and replied quite matter of fact with her on this occasion, but the small part I saw of the deleted conversation was a bit flirty.

When we were discussing boundaries at the start of our relationship, I said I didn’t think it was appropriate for a man to take another woman out for sit down lunch/dinner, and pay for it. That I thought it was a bit weird and looks strange to outsiders as that’s something a typical couple would do. I was very clear with my opinion on it and he agreed with me. Now I’m concerned he’s basically agreed with me but now is lying and doing it behind my back anyway. As well as the deleted WhatsApp conversation with her previously, the whole thing just screams dodgy. Why lie about it? Maybe he is worried I’ll be paranoid when there’s nothing going on, but it’s even worse to lie and delete conversation?!

He is a lovely partner in all other regards though, perfect even. I’m not sure whether to confront him now or continue waiting and watching, as this may be something that is more serious than I know of at present.

OP posts:
PaperHead · 07/05/2019 11:23

Firstly, this is out of respect for my own DH. Secondly, this would be out if respect for myself because I don’t want to give out the wrong impression or come across as some kind of needy desperado.

Having an innocent, supportive, genuinely nice work friendship with someone with the opposite kind of genitals makes you a 'needy desperado' and means you are 'disrespecting' your spouse? Hmm

IAmNotAWitch · 07/05/2019 11:26

Shrug. I am only responsible for my relationship no one elses.

I am happily married. I know I won't/am not cheating. What other people think is not my concern. I don't have to modify my behaviour.

If DH tried to impose restrictions on me I would leave and I woukd expect him to do the same. He either trusts me or he doesn't.

SVRT19674 · 07/05/2019 11:32

I delete messages. Empty chat is one of my favourite buttons. Cant stand millions of convos with useless gifs clogging up my phone.
Oh, and when I was younger and worked with guys I actually once a week had supper with one them at a pizza place. I was dying of hunger by the time we left at 1.30am, used to work shifts, and he used to wait for his girlfriend who worked at the airport and pick her up. You would have had kittens...cant be bothered with the drama.

SoupDragon · 07/05/2019 11:50

...because I don’t want to give out the wrong impression or come across as some kind of needy desperado.

I find it really sad that we have to rule out friendship with half the population in case some poor insecure person thinks we are after their partner.

And I say that as someone who has a cheating XH.

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2019 11:55

because I don’t want to give out the wrong impression or come across as some kind of needy desperado.

How incredibly sad that some people on incapable of having a friendship with the opposite sex without fear of it turning inappropriate. Says a lot of those people.

Veterinari · 07/05/2019 12:18

So OP have you spoken to your boyfriend about it? Are you going to end the relationship as he’s broken your trust?
It might be worth investing more time in sorting out your relationship rather than arguing with ransoms in mumsnet

goldenchicken · 07/05/2019 12:38

I do think the OP is entitled to feel pissed off and annoyed (and paranoid even!) that her partner has been having one-to-one lunchdates with a female colleague and then keeping it from her and deleting messages.

However, all that said, the OP does sound like pretty hard work, mistrusting, and constantly suspicious. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like this.

@boyfriendwhatsapp

Personally I think you should end the relationship, and get help for your issues.

Blondequeenie · 07/05/2019 13:05

@boyfriendwhatsapp

I did see your previous thread and I do think that you continued to check your BF phone based on the advice you received in that previous thread.

I do not think your going to get the answers you need from anyone on MN. I say that with all due respect because you need to speak to your BF, he is the only person who can tell you the truth. Trust, openness and honestly are all very important in a relationship. Yes, it seems your BF has been lying to you but we do not know why or what is really going on!

I think you need to be honest with him and just explain that you saw some messages come up on his phone a few times from this other women and that you saw a conversation about you and her having lunch. Do not get into the whole you promise me this or agreed with this at the start of the relationship! Just ask him calmly, politely and as peacefully what is happening and who this women is?

You are never going to get answers by being over dramatic or bringing up promises he once made. You will just push him further into her arms if you come across as self-conscious and needy. Instead, just be like;

"look I noticed this by chance on your phone, I was not trying to snoop but it appeared and I have been trying to put it out my mind but I think its best we just have an honest conversation about whatever is happening or NOT happening with you and this women"

As you progress in a relationship, the dynamics change and much stronger boundaries are set. For example, when my DH first started dating me and within the first couple of years, he still had the ideology that it was okay to socialise with these other women who clearly had a thing for him. Although he never actually really did that he always made it clear that his female friendships (girls always messaging him flirting or asking for things they should not ask for!) were just platonic and he should be able to do what he wants.

I knew that was not me, you need to be true to yourself so over time as work worked on our relationship, when we got engaged, people start to realise 'oh he is taken now' and these days we are just an old boring married couple who struggle to meet up with anyone let alone female friends. My husbands always uses his lunch break to call me also and ask me about my day. I think in time if you guys progress and get engaged or married, the dynamics will change and your BF will eventually stop having lunch with this lady.

PaperHead · 07/05/2019 13:15

you need to be true to yourself so over time as work worked on our relationship, when we got engaged, people start to realise 'oh he is taken now' and these days we are just an old boring married couple who struggle to meet up with anyone let alone female friends. My husbands always uses his lunch break to call me also and ask me about my day. I think in time if you guys progress and get engaged or married, the dynamics will change and your BF will eventually stop having lunch with this lady.

Apart from those of us on the thread who are married, faithful to our spouses, and regularly have lunch with male friends and colleagues. Presumably because no one sent us the memo about how being married or in a committed couple means you suddenly no longer have time for any friends, especially not opposite-sex friends.

It's perfectly possible to do more than one thing on your lunchbreak, you know. Within the last couple of weeks I was on the phone to my husband about something while having my regular lunch with a male colleague. Grin

Blondequeenie · 07/05/2019 13:32

@PaperHead

Thank you for proving your input to my comment, thats so lovely of you! I hope you are having a nice day.

I really appreciate your feedback and your interest into what I had to say. Thank you!! Smile Grin

I realise my comment was a tad on the long side but my experience provided as an example was not in relation to having lunch with colleagues but more so on how other women were interested in my man and over time as our relationship progressed that changed and boundaries were increased!

I provided this as an example as from what the OP has said, the other women may be interested in her BF but it is not clear whether he is interested in her. Like I previously said, relationships should be honest, open and truthful and the OP really needs to seek solace in her BF and not MN.

But thanks again! Smile

silver3 · 07/05/2019 14:10

“I find it really sad that we have to rule out friendship with half the population”

Er no it’s not sad at all Confused Just have an appropriate friendship and get real.

SoupDragon · 07/05/2019 14:15

Just have an appropriate friendship and get real.

I am "getting real". It is entirely possible to have an appropriate friendship with the opposite sex in exactly the same way you would have one with the same sex. Unless you or your partner have trust issues.

It's really sad people like you think you can't be friends with the opposite sex without looking like a "desperado" or something. It's ridiculous.

jinglet · 07/05/2019 14:20

You sound very controlling OP. If you're instincts are telling you something's not right- confront the man and move on. Let him get on with his life and you get on with yours. As for opposite sex colleagues not having lunches together- ridiculous.

PaperHead · 07/05/2019 14:20

I'm interested in the 'needy desperado' comment, silver. Could you say more about what you mean? Is it 'needy desperado' territory to have female friends if you are a woman? If not, why is it different with male ones?

I'm trying in vain to think of anything that would work differently about pleasant lunches with my male friend that would be different if he were female, other than which loo he goes to in restaurants.

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2019 14:23

Er no it’s not sad at all confused Just have an appropriate friendship and get real.

Seriously? The only person that needs to get real here is you. You're the one suggesting that being friends with the opposite sex is "inappropriate" Confused so what is your opinion on bisexual people having friends?

FlyingElbows · 07/05/2019 14:26

Another "needy desperado" here. How on earth having lunch with a good friend who is male (which I am due to do tomorrow) makes me or him either needy or desperate is beyond me.

Thankfully I'm married to a man I trust and who trusts me in return. I cannot imagine having such a low opinion of other people as you have, silver.

Jellybeansincognito · 07/05/2019 14:30

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and never snooped on his phone. If I wanted something from it I’d ask him to send it to me and patiently wait. There’s no reason to be using someone else’s personal possessions and it’s concerning that you’re doing so (I don’t believe the photos story you’ve said tbh, if you were sending multiples surely you’d be in the photo album and tag multiple photos and send to yourself without needing to see anything else?)

You sound extremely insecure.

DecomposingComposers · 07/05/2019 14:33

I've been married 25 years now and my husband still won't go down my handbag because he says it's private Wink

If I ask him to get something out he brings the whole bag to me so that I can get it out.

Similarly we both know passwords to each others phones but we never look on them.

And we both have friends of the opposite sex.

silver3 · 07/05/2019 14:35

I can’t comment on the specifics of people’s tekationships in here obviously.

What I mean by “needy desperado” is s certain type of woman who goes on about “my friend Mike” or “my best friend Jack - oh yes he’s married with 5 kids but he’s still my best friend...etc” with no sense whatsoever that relationships change as lives change and people grow up and his wife (while perfectly pleasant to your face) is probably thinking, “ Oh bugger off with you and your “best friends, we go back to 1981” malarkey. Who cares and who has time, frankly? Move on!”

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/05/2019 14:36

I am off to the cinema later on with a male colleague. We are going straight from work and will probably grab food before or after the film. What does that make us?

silver3 · 07/05/2019 14:44

Every so-called “work friendship” I’ve ever had with a man had ended to with his wife disliking me - and that’s just when we’ve hung out in groups. I’m under no illusions about this. It’s not enough to just say, “well that’s her problem.” I don’t want to be in that position, so I avoid anything that could be perceived as putting myself there. Or the guy enjoys the drama or comes into you at some point. Or he tells you things he should really only be sharing with his wife. I can’t be bothered.

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2019 14:56

is s certain type of woman who goes on about “my friend Mike” or “my best friend Jack - oh yes he’s married with 5 kids but he’s still my best friend...etc” with no sense whatsoever that relationships change as lives change and people grow up and his wife (while perfectly pleasant to your face) is probably thinking, “ Oh bugger off with you and your “best friends, we go back to 1981” malarkey. Who cares and who has time, frankly? Move on!”

So @silver3, as soon as a man gets married or enters into a serious relationship he is expected to cut all female friendships he has had? All because some women like yourself are too insecure to comprehend that the opposite sex are capable of being friends with each other without shagging. What exactly is so inappropriate about these friendships?

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2019 14:59

Every so-called “work friendship” I’ve ever had with a man had ended to with his wife disliking me - and that’s just when we’ve hung out in groups

Funny enough, this doesn't surprised me....

PaperHead · 07/05/2019 14:59

What I mean by “needy desperado” is s certain type of woman who goes on about “my friend Mike” or “my best friend Jack - oh yes he’s married with 5 kids but he’s still my best friend...etc” with no sense whatsoever that relationships change as lives change and people grow up and his wife (while perfectly pleasant to your face) is probably thinking, “ Oh bugger off with you and your “best friends, we go back to 1981” malarkey. Who cares and who has time, frankly? Move on!”

This makes very little sense to me. Who is this 'needy desperado' woman talking to, and why? I have never met anyone who boasted about the fact of having male friends, like it was some accolade, or indeed anyone who thought that having opposite-sex friends was something you grew out of, like teenage spots. Or indeed who thought that having friends was incompatible with marriage and children. Did you expect your husband to dump female friends he'd had in his life long before you? Did you retire all your male friends at the same time?

silver3 · 07/05/2019 15:03

Well I never really had “male friends” in the way some women seem to. If I did, they became boyfriends invariably. Same with DH really.

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