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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend going to lunch with female colleague.

530 replies

boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 14:58

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about my boyfriend. He had a conversation on WhatsApp with another woman that he then deleted, which set alarm bells ringing.

I’ve been monitoring the situation since, and another conversation appeared this morning. Basically I have gleaned from the conversation that they go for lunch together at work. He has never mentioned this colleague to me, and when I’ve asked him who he’s gone for lunch for he says, ‘nobody, I was on my own.’ She was quite flirty, putting all sad face emojis when he said he wouldn’t be in for lunch that day. He wasn’t flirty and replied quite matter of fact with her on this occasion, but the small part I saw of the deleted conversation was a bit flirty.

When we were discussing boundaries at the start of our relationship, I said I didn’t think it was appropriate for a man to take another woman out for sit down lunch/dinner, and pay for it. That I thought it was a bit weird and looks strange to outsiders as that’s something a typical couple would do. I was very clear with my opinion on it and he agreed with me. Now I’m concerned he’s basically agreed with me but now is lying and doing it behind my back anyway. As well as the deleted WhatsApp conversation with her previously, the whole thing just screams dodgy. Why lie about it? Maybe he is worried I’ll be paranoid when there’s nothing going on, but it’s even worse to lie and delete conversation?!

He is a lovely partner in all other regards though, perfect even. I’m not sure whether to confront him now or continue waiting and watching, as this may be something that is more serious than I know of at present.

OP posts:

DecomposingComposers · 07/05/2019 10:10

I'd still like to know if, during the boundary setting conversation, the issue of snooping through messages came up? Did you explain to him that you do this OP or ask if he was ok with it?

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2019 10:11

Honestly I read these threads and wonder why people like the op make their lives so so hard by creating all these bullshit rules, and why people like her partner agree to them.

Op, in the real world. Having lunch with a work colleague is not something to give you an attack of thr vapours. I'd suspect the reason he wasn't open with you is due to thr fact you're incredibly jealous , possessive, and insecure.

I think instead of bringing more drama into your lives, you need to focus on what causes you're behavioural issues, how you can resolve them, and understand the impact it has on your partner. Then develop a healthy way forward, for both your sakes.

Original poster

boyfriendwhatsapp · 07/05/2019 10:12

We both have free access to one another’s phone to do as we want with, including WhatsApp and replying to messages, sending photos, looking through conversations... because neither of us having anything to hide. Until the deleted conversation happened, that is.

OP posts:

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 07/05/2019 10:13

You sound a bit jealous and possessive to be honest. No wonder he's hiding things.

Teddybear45 · 07/05/2019 10:13

I go for lunch with male colleagues and often pay. It’s not a big deal.

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2019 10:13

OP, you saying that men and women shouldn't go to sit down restaurants together as that is what couples do is wrong. This is what you aren't seeing. Having lunch in a "sit down" place with the opposite sex/gender can be for a number of reasons. It is not solely romantic and people don't look in and assume those people are on dates. This is why you are being ridiculous. You say you aren't controlling your boyfriend but by expressing these out dated and controlling views, you are telling him he can't do that. He also could have deleted the texts for a number of reasons but you shouldn't have been snooping, and yes no matter how many times you say it was "innocent", it clearly wasn't. But, if it bothered you so much then you should have asked him then are there. I agree, the lying is wrong of him but you are also putting him in a difficult situation.

IAmNotAWitch · 07/05/2019 10:15

Why is it on Paper to be concerned about what her colleague's wife thinks about their lunching silver?

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2019 10:16

Id be interested to hear his view on the above....

However, it's his phone and he is entitled to delete whatever he wants. Whether that means anything or not is another thing. I do think its odd that you feel the need to have "free access" to his phone all the time. Why can't you trust him? Or at least have a mature conversation about your concerns? Why are you OK with female friends, boyfriend's living with females but he isn't allowed to go for a work lunch with on? I wouldn't want to be with someone with such odd views!

Alsohuman · 07/05/2019 10:16

You have free access to each other’s phones after six months? We’ve been together 21 years and married 19 and we don’t. Because we respect each other’s privacy.

IAmNotAWitch · 07/05/2019 10:18

He shouldn't be hiding things, but he also shouldn't have agreed to such unreasonable restrictions.

It would have freaked me right out if DH had said anything like that and we would not have gotten any further. No way is someone controlling me like that. I will decide who I have lunch with.

DecomposingComposers · 07/05/2019 10:19

Then he can't be trying to hide much surely? A message could have come through at anytime while you were looking at his phone.

If he knows that you look at his phone and his messages why don't you speak to him about what you saw? Why pretend like you don't know what is going on?

Whoever is right or wrong, clearly you can't accept this and it would be wrong to make him change his behaviour so the only answer is to end the relationship and to both find other partners who share the same values.

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2019 10:20

I know my DH's password to get into his phone and he knows mine but that doesn't mean we both have "free access". He wouldn't be going into my phone all the time and nor would I because you know we understand how privacy and trust actually works.

Original poster

boyfriendwhatsapp · 07/05/2019 10:22

What I find hilarious about MN is, if I came on here saying my boyfriend was having an affair with a female colleague and that they’d been going for prearranged lunches at restaurants every week, with my boyfriend often paying, as well as him deleting conversations between them both... I’d be told ‘didn’t you see the signs?!’ ‘You’re very naive’ ‘of course that has all the hallmarks of suspicious behaviour and an affair’. Like on the last thread about this situation I was told to hold off talking to him and investigate further! There are countless threads of women saying they’ve seen their boyfriends hiding conversations, acting strange etc... and the response is to ‘get your ducks in a row’, ‘snoop on his phone and check what’s happening’, ‘he’s definitely cheating on you.’ The hypocrisy on this site amazes me at times...

OP posts:

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2019 10:24

The hypocrisy on this site amazes me at times...

No, its not hypocrisy. You just didn't hear what you wanted to hear so now you are blaming MN. Don't post on AIBU if you aren't prepared to be told YABU.

TakenForSlanted · 07/05/2019 10:24

Going for a sit down meal at a London restaurant (or any restaurant really) once a week is something you do as a couple - not something you arrange with a female colleague to do every week.

No it really isn't. I go for drinks or dinner with colleagues and even clients on a regular basis. It doesn't even necessarily mean I like them on a personal level. It's just part of the job (and, ideally, good fun if you're lucky enough to have one of the nice ones scheduled).

I also meet up with male colleagues at the hotel bar for a night cap. We'd all drop dead of boredom if this weren't an option.

A decade on the job and I've yet to be propositioned by a male colleague I took out (I did get propositioned my my ex-boss, mind, that was at the office as I was sitting at my desk and had everything to do with the man being an utter arse).

Teddybear45 · 07/05/2019 10:26

OP ‘the signs’ don’t usually involve taking a colleague out for lunch during a work day. It would involve secret hotel bookings, evening meals, signficantly reduced (or even enhanced) sexual desire for you. Paying for a colleague’s lunch on a work day is standard. Your behaviour is the suspect one here - I presume you either cheated in a prior relationship or were cheated on? If so the issue is yours to resolve not his.

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2019 10:26

MN also call out women who are being controlling, possessive and have weird OTT boundaries. All boxes which you tick.
Has it ever occurred to you that if you boyfriend had something to hide than he wouldn't allow you free access to his phone? The fact that you assume lunch with a college=having an affair means you have some serious issues you need to work on.

LuciaSpain · 07/05/2019 10:28

OP, you have issues you need to work on. Your boundary/control is unhealthy.

Why are you even still replying here, call it off if he has crossed your boundary, you'll do him a favour.

IAmNotAWitch · 07/05/2019 10:32

I am not responsible for what other posters post. No hypocrisy here.

If I thought my DH was having an affair, I would seek out confirmation as best I could, contact a lawyer, confront him and leave.

What I wouldn't do is lay done a set of unreasonable rules that he had to follow in order for me to "trust" him.

Not allowing him to have sit down lunches with work colleagues won't stop him cheating. The only thing that will stop him cheating is if he chooses not to.

It's fine to have any redlines you like in a relationship. I think your DP's mistake was in agreeing to the restrictions, he then placed himself in an awkward position. Perhaps he will learn from this that he should consider carefully before agreeing to such control.

PaperHead · 07/05/2019 10:35

Why is it on Paper to be concerned about what her colleague's wife thinks about their lunching silver?

Indeed. She's seemed perfectly cordial on the few occasions I've met her, just as my husband has liked my friend when they've met.

And if my friend has some plan to seduce me, he's playing an extremely long game, as we've been having lunch regularly for about three years, plus we've been away on the same work trips without falling into bed together, or exchanging so much as a soulful look.

steff13 · 07/05/2019 10:35

So he's paying for the lunches, then? I still don't get why you're going to all this trouble for such a new relationship. Let him go and find someone who better suits you.

IAmNotAWitch · 07/05/2019 10:37

I did get asked out by a colleague once over lunch. But it was in the work breakroom so DH was safe.

Spidey66 · 07/05/2019 10:42

One of the consultants at work occasionally treats me to lunch after a home visit to a patient (I'm a mental health nurse.). Absolutely nothing in it, we're just workmates who get on.

PlinkPlink · 07/05/2019 10:55

I think the issue here is not the lunch or the other woman. It is the fact that her OH has been dishonest/withholding information.

Withholding information implies he has something to hide (not always though). This is where the worry for OP has come from.

Messaging a woman from work does not mean an affair.
Having lunch with a woman from work does not mean an affair.

Deleting her messages seems odd though. I would question it in my head definitely. But I would be looking for other red flags before I said anything.

silver3 · 07/05/2019 11:15

“Why is it on Paper to be concerned about what her colleague's wife thinks about their lunching silver?”

Because it’s basic respect and human decency?

I can tell you now I wouid not be Whatsapping another man socially (unless was a group chat about a hobby or work-related issue or something), nor would I be meeting a man regularly for lunch on our own. Firstly, this is out of respect for my own DH. Secondly, this would be out if respect for myself because I don’t want to give out the wrong impression or come across as some kind of needy desperado. Thirdly, it would be out of respect and consideration for his wife /partner, whether I knew her or not. Even if I thought she only had a 2% suspicion there might be something going on, I don’t want to risk being “that woman”. I’m not interested in this nonsense and I don’t need it in my life.

It’s perfectly possible to take certain steps to avoid these scenarios and still have friends at work - ie go out in groups or stick to group chats. As I said, of course if you happen to bump into someone out and about and you end up sitting with them, this is obviously fine. But, planning it or making in a regular, exclusive thing - not so much. People like this stand out a mile in an office, whether they realise they do or not. Sorry, but it’s true.

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