To have walked off and left DM in the cafe?

[ChinaBear]

Went out for coffee with DD 1yo and DM. DM had a toasted sandwich. I’m allergic to wheat but only if I ingest it. Even a crumb will make me ill. DD reached out for my coffee on the table and DM moved my cup away (which was unnecessary anyway as it was already out of DD’s reach). I asked her not to touch my cup when she has wheat crumbs on her hands because I’ll be poorly if it gets in my mouth.

A few minutes later she did exactly the same thing again and I said I’ve already asked you not to touch my cup with wheat on your hands! DD can’t reach my cup, I don’t need you to move it. Then she did it again! By which point I was getting angry and said STOP TOUCHING MY CUP YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME ILL!

The final time she picked my cup up by the rim and left visible crumbs from her fingers right where my mouth would touch the cup. So then I couldn’t drink it at all. I picked up DD and said What part of “don’t touch my cup do you not understand?!” And stormed out.

I’m utterly furious. A large coffee with syrup and cream is a rare expensive treat to have to throw it away. DH thinks I’ve been mean by storming out and leaving DM to get the bus home.

And now I've read your latest update I'm even more appalled you left her!

I’m speechless, beyond appalled.

OP, I had a lot of sympathy for you until your latest update. You’ve just lost it.

Yes. Also dyslexic and dyspraxic and generally clumsy. Unable to write and struggles to read. Doesn’t understand social conventions which often gets her in trouble. She takes no notice of what you tell her, or perhaps it doesn’t register. I don’t know what her diagnosis would be if she was a child nowadays.

Well why on earth would you leave her to get a bus home on a bank holiday then? Good god.

Your update makes you sound even worse than I initially thought.

I completely understand why you were cross but i don't think i'd have stropped off leaving my elderly mother to make it home alone.
I would have asked for a fresh cup and poured my drink into it. Then maybe try to move to a larger table, or if there wasn't one, I'd have gone for a takeaway cup and taken it with me. (I'm too tight to waste an expensive coffee)
I am also very twitchy around hot drinks and young children and I'd really struggle not to move your cup away if i thought it was in the danger zone. Even if you'd told me and i was fully on board with supporting you, i still think i would have unconsciously reached out to move your drink. (Although, i wouldn't be grabbing it round the rim).

I agree with your DH and the others. I was on your side until I saw her age and your last post.

You were not unreasonable to be annoyed however I do think you were unreasonable to cause a scene and leave her.

I would be cross in your situation but I wouldn't have reacted like you did. I think it was embarrassing and overly dramatic. You were trying publicly humiliate and punish your Mum which maybe she 'deserved' but even so I would not have done it. I think it was nasty to leave her to catch a bus home especially on a bank holiday Monday

This. Whilst your DM's behaviour was annoying, she clearly had good intentions re. her DGC. Obviously she doesn't understand your allergy but that's not unusual for her generation. Storming off and leaving her is appalling behaviour. You behaved like a spoiled child. Are you always such a drama queen? I get the impression you might be given you refer to being 'poisoned'. Perhaps this is why your DM didn't respond to your complaints about touching your cup.

She was a pain in the arse, no doubt.

But you stormed out and left an elderly woman to get the bus home?

I think of the two of you, you acted worse. Then again I'd never storm off in a huff, that's what children do.

You have my sympathy, my DM is the same - I have multiple intolerances that make me feel very very poorly for weeks. My DM still makes me food and says that "it's only a little bit of x, y and z" or "a little bit of what you fancy does you good".

I also have to be gluten-free as well (Coeliac), and she will happily use the same knives, serving spoons and chopping boards in front of me, with the comment "I'm sure it will be OK". Rather sadly, I have had to resort to taking my own food when we visit.

I understand your frustration with yours, so don't blame you for walking out - but am a teensy bit sorry for her having to make her own way home - but maybe she will learn from it?? Nah, probably not, and it will still all be your fault.

My mum is also elderly now, but she's always been like this!

OP, I had a lot of sympathy for you until your latest update. You’ve just lost it.
DM isn’t an invalid. She’s lived her life normally with jobs, husbands, kids, houses, friends. She often says she’s what used to be called “thick” but she’s perfectly independent and functional.

While I realise that you can't live your life in a Hazmat suit, if your level of allergy is so bad it makes you treat vulnerable people like that, you really should be assessing what you expose yourself to.

I was almost with you until you mentioned she's 82 and then the new comments more recently.
Your mum won't be around forever op and you'll be old yourself one day.

You need to go round with some flowers and apologise.

Is this for real??

OP, no idea why you picked my post to quote from the half dozen saying the same thing only more harshly.

I am really shocked that considering your DM's age and limitations you behaved in such a vile way towards her Do you not have a shred of empathy or guilt towards her now?

Could you not just have got a replacement coffee?

She made a mistake.
Around children and hot drinks something takes over and you just grab. Like if your child falls and you just grab for them, it sounds unintentional. Especially with your latest update, you really sound nasty. I feel for her.

Would it have killed you to just not drink the coffee and show your mother some kindness ?

I'm with your dh , it was mean to walk off and leave her, did you even let her say goodbye to her grandchild?

What about the example you set to your child ?

You should be utterly ashamed of yourself, op. You're the one with the allergy, you should have taken steps to prevent this scenario. Your mother is old and by your own admission has various conditions, however much you also make out she's bursting with health, yet you embarrass her and humiliate her like this....disgusting behaviour.

OP, no idea why you picked my post to quote from
Because it was the last post at the time I started to write.

Could you not just have got a replacement coffee?
No. It’s rare that I can spare the money for a large coffee with cream and syrup etc. It’s nearly a fiver. Which is part of the reason I was so annoyed.

The upshot is you asked if you were unreasonable, yes you were, I'd phone and apologise

God, the amount of allergy misinformation on this thread is making my head hurt.
YANBU op.
Would getting information from allergy UK for her to read make a difference do you think ?

Er drip feeding normally goes in OP's favour. You're on the opposite track! An elderly disabled mother and you've left her to get a bus on a bank holiday. That's pretty shameful. I get that you're annoyed but you need to get over yourself and apologise.

Yeah, she won't be around forever, your DD won't have her grandma forever, she will have precious few memories of her so at least try and make them positive. Did you let her say goodbye to her granddaughter?

My DC all have the same allergy. Whenever we see MIL she constantly offers them food they can't have. She puts it in their hands and I have to intervene. She buys them treats they can't have and presents it to them in an over the top way - there are plenty they can have, it's almost like she goes out of her way to get things they can't. It drives me crazy.

And it's not as if she doesn't understand allergies. She has one and tells absolutely everyone all about it every time she is offered food or we're out to eat. She's just a blithering idiot.

I would have left too, OP. I totally get why you were so angry.