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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have walked off and left DM in the cafe?

376 replies

ChinaBear · 06/05/2019 14:17

Went out for coffee with DD 1yo and DM. DM had a toasted sandwich. I’m allergic to wheat but only if I ingest it. Even a crumb will make me ill. DD reached out for my coffee on the table and DM moved my cup away (which was unnecessary anyway as it was already out of DD’s reach). I asked her not to touch my cup when she has wheat crumbs on her hands because I’ll be poorly if it gets in my mouth.

A few minutes later she did exactly the same thing again and I said I’ve already asked you not to touch my cup with wheat on your hands! DD can’t reach my cup, I don’t need you to move it. Then she did it again! By which point I was getting angry and said STOP TOUCHING MY CUP YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME ILL!

The final time she picked my cup up by the rim and left visible crumbs from her fingers right where my mouth would touch the cup. So then I couldn’t drink it at all. I picked up DD and said What part of “don’t touch my cup do you not understand?!” And stormed out.

I’m utterly furious. A large coffee with syrup and cream is a rare expensive treat to have to throw it away. DH thinks I’ve been mean by storming out and leaving DM to get the bus home.

OP posts:
Michaelbaubles · 06/05/2019 15:43

She’d have just done the same thing with a replacement cup though surely?

Look, all the advice on MN if OP hadn’t said anything would be “why on earth didn’t you explain why and tell her not to do it again” - OP did that repeatedly, what else was there to do? When was the last time you touched another adult’s cup at the table in a cafe even once? Really? It’s an odd thing to do anyway.

ourkidmolly · 06/05/2019 15:43

It not like it's your dh. She clearly doesn't get your allergy and never will.

TeddybearBaby · 06/05/2019 15:44

Your poor mum. Your updates about her are really unbelievable. No wonder your husband is shocked. I’d be ashamed and disappointed if my husband treated his elderly mother with additional needs so poorly.

Dontcomeinmygarden · 06/05/2019 15:46

I’m appalled that you left her there considering your update. Poor lady.

ourkidmolly · 06/05/2019 15:46

Next time anticipate and get a takeaway cup on a stool beside you. Tbh I think you might be overly trusting of the type of cross contamination training that goes on in a standard Starbucks or Costa food hygiene course. It's very basic. I'd stick to takeaway cups with lids.

LunaAzul · 06/05/2019 15:48

Telling her not to touch your cup was fine & understandable given your allergy.

Flouncing out and making a scene whilst your poor mum was left there is not fine. I feel really sad for her. I hope she managed to get home.

Runkle · 06/05/2019 15:48

You still haven't answered what your mum's reply was when you asked her to stop?

Original poster
ChinaBear · 06/05/2019 15:49

Do you not have a shred of empathy or guilt towards her now?
If I’d realised it was the bank holiday I’d have insisted on taking her home. Though she’d have refused as she regularly walks or buses to the shops.

you should have taken steps to prevent this scenario
Seriously, what more can I do other than to repeatedly request that people don’t touch an allergen then touch me or my food/drinks/utensils?

OP posts:
ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 06/05/2019 15:49

While I think walking out and leaving her might have been an overreaction I can understand your frustration. You asked her three times not to touch your cup and while I can see how she may have done it instinctively the first time, I can't help wondering if by the third time she was just being contrary and pressing your buttons. It's the sort of thing I can see my mother doing, thinking she's being funny, when she's decided I'm being "silly" in her view Hmm.

I might not have driven off without her but I don't think it's as terrible as some posters are making out given the Op has been quite clear that her mum lives a normal, independent life and quite regularly makes the short trip to and from this shopping centre. The fact she's 82 doesn't mean she can't get from A to B on a Monday afternoon, bank holiday or not!

Furiosa · 06/05/2019 15:50

Could you not just have got a replacement coffee?

No. It’s rare that I can spare the money for a large coffee with cream and syrup etc. It’s nearly a fiver. Which is part of the reason I was so annoyed.

Nah, you just wanted to walk out on your mum.

WhoAteMyNuts · 06/05/2019 15:50

Are you going to check she got home ok. Do you even know if buses are running on a bank holiday (ours don't)?

Barbie222 · 06/05/2019 15:51

This is really weird. Surely you had this severe allergy as a child and your mum is well aware of it? Or did you not grow up with her? It would be a cold day in hell before my mum touched anything of mine after she'd had a Brazil nut. It's been over 40 years but I think my reaction is still etched on her mind like it was yesterday.

Alb1 · 06/05/2019 15:53

She was obviously BU touching your cup repeatedly but by leaving an 82 year old to get the bus without warning and stomping off like a child is just childish and very unreasonable. How do you even no she had brought her bus pass out if she was expecting to be driven? Are the buses regular on bank holiday? Does she have good enough sight to be able to read the timetable if she wasn’t sure?

She may have been embarrassed or upset left sitting there. You say yourself she does badly in social situations and she has poor hearing, it’s just unnecessary to react that way, getting angry and telling her so I would understand but I think you lost the moral high ground personally.

Bunnybigears · 06/05/2019 15:53

You left an 82 year old with additional needs in a cafe to make her own way home when she hadn't planned to Mke her journey home alone. Even if it wasnt you mother I would say you were unreasonable, seen as it was you Mother you are even more unreasonable! Yes it would be annoying you couldn't finish your drink but I bet your Mother was embarrassed, annoyed, upset as well. She is 82 and has additional needs! Get a grip OP it's not all about you.

LimeKiwi · 06/05/2019 15:53

Allergies and intolerances can appear as an adult.
I was fine with milk as a child for example but since my 20s I'd be really ill if I had some now.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 06/05/2019 15:54

@Barbie222 the OP said it developed in her 20's and got worse from there so her DM hasn't got an experience of it.

Happyandglorious · 06/05/2019 15:54

Op it sounds totally frustrating and you acted in anger. Not sure this thread is going to do anything other than aggravate you more.
Hope you can treat yourself to a big fat coffee asap and pref alone and in peace

werideatdawn · 06/05/2019 15:54

Sad I couldn't have just left my mum like that. I might have walked away to calm down but YWBU to actually leave her.

LimeKiwi · 06/05/2019 15:54

That was to @Barbie22

Biancadelrioisback · 06/05/2019 15:55

@Barbie222 read the thread.

Maybe83 · 06/05/2019 15:56

My dd has several life threatening allergies has had several anaphylaxis so understand cross contamination.

You behaved appalling. Completely ridiculous especially in light if your update.

TheABC · 06/05/2019 15:57

I get where you are coming from on the allergies, OP. I would be annoyed too. I think you did take it too far with the flouncing home. I would have pointedly told her you can't drink this now and you would meet her outside at .

Next time, perhaps use a takeaway mug your can keep out of reach? Alternatively, if DH is at home, see her for an hour without DD.

DontVisitMe · 06/05/2019 15:57

This thread can't be real Grin

I have a severe gluten allergy but I wouldn't treat an 82 year old woman in such an awful way. Just can't imagine it, sorry.

Nanny0gg · 06/05/2019 15:57

Also dyslexic and dyspraxic and generally clumsy. Unable to write and struggles to read. Doesn’t understand social conventions which often gets her in trouble. She takes no notice of what you tell her, or perhaps it doesn’t register.

I accept that you were angry (rightly so regarding your allergy) but read your last sentence.

You still expect her to have listened to you even though it seems she rarely does.
Do you know the saying about keep doing the same thing yet expecting a different outcome? Not going to happen.

You were really horrible to an 82 year-old woman (your mum!) when she probably couldn't really help what happened.

Hope you're proud.

Orchidflower1 · 06/05/2019 15:58

Yabu op- yes you have an allergy however unless it is severe enough to warrant carrying epi pens ( I know three such people) she would not have killed you. Yes she may have made you unwell though I accept that.

But and it is a big but- don’t go somewhere where cross contamination prospects are rife. Or if you have to go to a cafe and all the bigger tables are full come back later or go elsewhere. My friend who has a few fruit / veg allergy avoids harvesters and similar like the plague due to potential cross contamination.

Finally - she is 82 and obviously has learning difficulties and you left her. She may not fully understand the implications of her actions but you understand yours.