To have walked off and left DM in the cafe?

[ChinaBear]

Went out for coffee with DD 1yo and DM. DM had a toasted sandwich. I’m allergic to wheat but only if I ingest it. Even a crumb will make me ill. DD reached out for my coffee on the table and DM moved my cup away (which was unnecessary anyway as it was already out of DD’s reach). I asked her not to touch my cup when she has wheat crumbs on her hands because I’ll be poorly if it gets in my mouth.

A few minutes later she did exactly the same thing again and I said I’ve already asked you not to touch my cup with wheat on your hands! DD can’t reach my cup, I don’t need you to move it. Then she did it again! By which point I was getting angry and said STOP TOUCHING MY CUP YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME ILL!

The final time she picked my cup up by the rim and left visible crumbs from her fingers right where my mouth would touch the cup. So then I couldn’t drink it at all. I picked up DD and said What part of “don’t touch my cup do you not understand?!” And stormed out.

I’m utterly furious. A large coffee with syrup and cream is a rare expensive treat to have to throw it away. DH thinks I’ve been mean by storming out and leaving DM to get the bus home.

Could you not just wipe it down before drinking it
No, that would still make me ill (ditto for most people with allergies). This sort of lack of understanding of food safety is why I end up vomiting from accidental contamination 2-3 times a year.

Some people (and on this thread too it seems) are utterly ignorant when it comes to allergies.
Maybe it is on door handles, but I don't think OP goes around licking door handles, does she?!
She was asked not to touch it THREE times. The vessel she was drinking from.
I have allergies, that'd have me cross too.

OP, your not so DM sounds like my Aunt. She is like a dripping tap, offering food repeatedly, having a tantrum if you won’t eat it, mauling cup handles and rims. Squealing and trilling with rage if she sees herself as being defied. YANB at all U.

nelsonmuntzslingshot you do realise that allergies can kill people? Last week there was a news article about a boy who died because some cheese touched his neck. It’s not “being a big baby” to not want to be ill due to your allergy.

Yes dear I do. My daughter has an allergy to nuts which could very well kill her. I still wouldn’t act so aggressively to my 82 year old mother in a public place (humiliating her and myself) and then leave her to get the bus home. You sound thoroughly unpleasant.

This is the kind of thing my mum would do and I wouldn't storm off and leave her to get home by herself. Your mother is 82, I feel sad for her, unless there is a big drip feed about her being abusive Considering her age, I wouldn't be surprised if it just went over her head or she is getting forgetful. My mum would be very hurt at this.

I think YANBU, mostly, but bless her she's over 80.

Although the boys neck was bleeding due to scratching his eczema and that might have played a part! But still unprecedented.

Although that goes to show that even when we think it's safe to be near an allergen, something can still cause a freak reaction. It's all just best to be as safe as possible so a chat with your mum when you're not really angry is needed. But she's 82...

You have every right to be bloody annoyed and angry at your DM but I wouldn't have left her to get home by herself.

You didn't even tell her you were going home without her. She could be sitting there waiting for you to come back for all you know not understanding where you have gone.

I think you were beyond rude walking out on your Mum. She’s an elderly woman and quite possibly, could not think beyond the fact that your DD might get scalded/burnt if she managed to topple over your mug of coffee.

You could have been kinder.

She’s 82.

She’s your mum.

She was annoying but fucking hell - you were far too harsh.

She’s an elderly woman

How do you know she’s elderly?

My mum is 50 this year

Fellow coeliac here 🙋‍♀️. YANBU!!! People just dont understand how cross contamination works. You can't just 'wipe it off' 🙄
FWIW, I would have been pissed off too.

@Soubriquet

OP said she was 82...

You say you have a wheat allergy and 'even a crumb of wheat will make you ill'. If so, you took a major risk going into the café as there is a high risk of cross-contamination.

How do you know she’s elderly?

Because the OP says she’s 82

When you first posted, I assumed your DM was in her early 60s and just being obtuse and refusing to listen or take your allergy seriously.

However, she’s 82! She’s not going to change at that age. I think storming off was a bit mean. Better to do something different with her where the risk of her cross contaminating you is much smaller, surely?

Completely understand how frustrating it is (people don’t understand how serious allergies can be) but leaving your elderly mum to get the bus is a bit mean.
I think I would have flounced but gone back to get her.

my mum is the same age and would probably acted the same way as your mum but this would be down to her age. 10 years ago it was very different. So I forgive her, I'm patient, I listen to her and I would never treat her the way you treated your mum.

@Soubriquet

How do I know her age? Because I read the thread before commenting.

Is she hard of hearing?
Yes. Also dyslexic and dyspraxic and generally clumsy. Unable to write and struggles to read. Doesn’t understand social conventions which often gets her in trouble. She takes no notice of what you tell her, or perhaps it doesn’t register. I don’t know what her diagnosis would be if she was a child nowadays.

Yanbu to be cross.

Yavvvu to cause a scene in a public place and leave your 82 year old mum to get home on the bus. How bloody mean!

Chinabear.... You have a severe allergy but evidently not severe enough for some posters, if you're not going to die from being in the same room as your allergen of choice then clearly you're making it up and being a drama llama, because if it were real you would obviously only ever go out while entirely sheathed in a hazmat suit!!!

FFS

However, on a serious note, YANBU. I wpiodnt appreciate someone continually ignoring me regardless of the allergy, when you add in the allergy I'd have been very frustrated and probably acted as such.

And now I've read your latest update I'm even more appalled you left her!

"Pouring the drink over the edge, which was covered in crumbs, into another cup would have just guaranteed the crumbs mixed into the drink and went into the other cup! "

I was thinking that the whole edge wasn't covered in crumbs.

Does she usually do this though Op?

Just because food handlers have a hygiene certificate does not make them allegen aware, yes, there's a lot of information about in the food industry, however, unless in hospitals,care homes, high class restaurants etc most food handlers would not be aware of cross contamination re. wheat. If you are so allergic, you are indeed risking this in cafes, especially where there are young people working (Saturday staff etc) , most would consider that as long as they are not directly giving you foods containing wheat you would be ok, not considering preparation ? I feel you were very unkind to your elderly mother, I agree she was annoying, but to leave her there to go home alone on the bus is just wrong, have a word with yourself!