To have walked off and left DM in the cafe?

[ChinaBear]

Went out for coffee with DD 1yo and DM. DM had a toasted sandwich. I’m allergic to wheat but only if I ingest it. Even a crumb will make me ill. DD reached out for my coffee on the table and DM moved my cup away (which was unnecessary anyway as it was already out of DD’s reach). I asked her not to touch my cup when she has wheat crumbs on her hands because I’ll be poorly if it gets in my mouth.

A few minutes later she did exactly the same thing again and I said I’ve already asked you not to touch my cup with wheat on your hands! DD can’t reach my cup, I don’t need you to move it. Then she did it again! By which point I was getting angry and said STOP TOUCHING MY CUP YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME ILL!

The final time she picked my cup up by the rim and left visible crumbs from her fingers right where my mouth would touch the cup. So then I couldn’t drink it at all. I picked up DD and said What part of “don’t touch my cup do you not understand?!” And stormed out.

I’m utterly furious. A large coffee with syrup and cream is a rare expensive treat to have to throw it away. DH thinks I’ve been mean by storming out and leaving DM to get the bus home.

Perhaps your strong reaction will actually make her think over what she said and did - I hope so!
Not the same, but I'm a T1 diabetic diagnosed at14, so whilst at home with mum cooking, and she still put sugar in my coffee and cooked with sugar and didn't say anything until I asked - I'm 61 now!
Just not on her radar at all - very hurtful
I hope your mum does change

Hopefully she'll apologise for it next time she sees you. I don't understand why anyone would do something they've been asked not to repeatedly, especially after you'd reassured her you were happy with where it was in relation to your DD.

I would get wound up if my mum kept doing that especially if I told her not to. I don't think I would of walked out though. I would of said okay you have that cup then and I'll get myself another.

As an aside, I can’t STAND the way some people pick up cups by the rim. Fine when it’a About to be washed but Half the time it’s someone whose hands look filthy and they pass you a cup of tea and you’re there thinking “Christ, my lips have to go where your filthy hands have just been”

especially on a bank holiday Monday
Tbh I forgot it was a bank holiday. I rarely get any sleep or have any idea what day it is. If I’d realised it was a bank holiday I’d have made her get in the car to drop her home.

Same with glasses. Just WHY pick them up where you know someone’s mouth is going to go. Just pick hold them where the recipient will holds them to drink from, at least if you pass on some germs to their fingers they have a good chance of getting washed off next time they wash their handsz

A single crumb? Surely there is the risk of a single crumb on the door handle to the cafe, the menu, the table etc.

I also am sensitive to wheat and dairy and due to how ill it made me I have developed a hiatus hernia andBarrets moucousa (sp?) So now cross contamination can result in an A&E visit if my own meds are not working. Yet my family except my DBro keep offering me food or even putting safe food on their plate to share I bring a lunch box with my food now to their houses and if in a coffee shop have my coffee in my own take away cup it keeps it safe from DC and avoids a lot of potential cross contamination.
Some people do not get it and never will I have accepted it now but it is sad when it is your own family

I suspect some posters have no idea, OP.

DSIS is newly diagnosed coeliac and on her very first visit DH remembered to make her food on a different board with different knives, washing his hands between times. No reminders. We only see her once a year or so.

He has no real idea of the consequences of cross contamination but set out not to cause any.

You are not BU to expect your mum to retain half an idea, especially after 3 stern reminders. But I suspect her age will be held up as an excuse and a stick with which to beat you.

Hate to be the one that points this out but that was how my mother behaved in the first stages of dementia.

I was totally with you until you admitted her age. I think at 82, you need to just let this go. She won't get better with it, if anything she will just get worse.
Have you checked that she got home?

A single crumb? Surely there is the risk of a single crumb on the door handle to the cafe, the menu, the table etc.

But I assume she's not planning on going around licking those, really.

FWIW, I don't think YABU but it is still a little harsh to have left her there like that. But then I am a soppy git.

Do you have coeliac disease OP?

Tbh I can see both points of view here. As someone with a fairly severe allergy it must be intensely frustrating to have to explain that many times only to have those explanations ignored and I can understand your annoyance over not being able to have your coffee.

But your mum is 82, in your words maybe lacks common sense and is a little forgetful. This is probably shown as well by her offering you half her sandwich (very unlikely to be malicious and probably just because she easily forgets you have an allergy). It’s not just that she had to catch the bus home, bad on a bank holiday, but more that she probably felt really confused and hurt that you’d stormed out and left her there on her own. And then you didn’t wait in the car for her either.

So YABU but I can understand why. Perhaps when you’ve cooled down it might be worth apologising and once again trying to explain about your allergy??

She is possibly a bit cognitively slower than in the past - so responding to the immediate perceived risk but not able to take on board in the moment the higher cognitive tasks of remembering you are cross about her moving your cup and that you have an allergy. Only you know your Mum and if this was not new behaviour then it probably deserved an action.

Surely there is the risk of a single crumb on the door handle to the cafe, the menu, the table etc
Of course. People with allergies take that risk every time they go out. But what else can they do - be housebound for the rest of their lives? You have to live your life normally and if you get sick then you get sick (or even die, as has been known to happen).

Personally I don’t lick tables or door handles anyway. I trust that cafes and restaurants have food safety procedures in place and that staff are trained on key issues like cross contamination. Eating a meal prepared by someone with a food hygiene qualification is a bit different to putting my mouth on a cup I’ve just seen someone touch with visibly contaminated hands.

You sound like a big baby and extremely hard work. If I was your mum I’d be glad of the peace and quite after you stormed off.

Clearly some people have no more idea than your mum how awful this allergy is, OP. I don’t have it but have seen how ill just a tiny trace can make someone.

"Why couldn't you have just left your cup where your mum considered it to be out of reach?"

Because Op's an adult & her mum should trust her to look after her own child?

Could you not have decanted your drink to another cup and sat elsewhere?

Could you not just wipe it down before drinking it. Storming off seems a bit OTT.

We all have allergic reactions here and my mum's is wheat. However, I would expect here to have respected it. Sounds totally awful for the child!

Not being faecitious but does your mum have a hearing problem?
Not sure I’d have walked out on her, but I would have asked her to buy me another coffee and I would have reminded her of the poor boy with allergies who died as a result of someone throwing a piece of cheese and it hitting his skin.
I know that this was the rarest of cases, but it happened.

nelsonmuntzslingshot you do realise that allergies can kill people? Last week there was a news article about a boy who died because some cheese touched his neck. It’s not “being a big baby” to not want to be ill due to your allergy.

Pouring the drink over the edge, which was covered in crumbs, into another cup would have just guaranteed the crumbs mixed into the drink and went into the other cup! Once contaminated, it's contaminated. You can't just pour it into a new cup!

What was her response each time when you asked her not to touch your cup? Is she hard of hearing?

ChinaBear, in all fairness even the statements from the boys consultants and allergy specialists said that they believe he had eaten something because he would not have suffered that reaction from skin contact. It would be a coincidence that he ate something at the same general time as the cheese hitting his skin but his doctors don't believe that could have cause the reaction it did. Although I only read testimony from one day of the inquest so not sure what else was said!