To have walked off and left DM in the cafe?

[ChinaBear]

Went out for coffee with DD 1yo and DM. DM had a toasted sandwich. I’m allergic to wheat but only if I ingest it. Even a crumb will make me ill. DD reached out for my coffee on the table and DM moved my cup away (which was unnecessary anyway as it was already out of DD’s reach). I asked her not to touch my cup when she has wheat crumbs on her hands because I’ll be poorly if it gets in my mouth.

A few minutes later she did exactly the same thing again and I said I’ve already asked you not to touch my cup with wheat on your hands! DD can’t reach my cup, I don’t need you to move it. Then she did it again! By which point I was getting angry and said STOP TOUCHING MY CUP YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME ILL!

The final time she picked my cup up by the rim and left visible crumbs from her fingers right where my mouth would touch the cup. So then I couldn’t drink it at all. I picked up DD and said What part of “don’t touch my cup do you not understand?!” And stormed out.

I’m utterly furious. A large coffee with syrup and cream is a rare expensive treat to have to throw it away. DH thinks I’ve been mean by storming out and leaving DM to get the bus home.

If your allergy is that severe, you took a massive chance buying a cup of coffee in there in the first place
I’m not going to die. But I will vomit repeatedly and feel like I’ve died for a couple of days. I take that risk in order to live a normal life. Once or twice a year I get poisoned but it comes with the territory. Most people with allergies still eat out.

If your allergy is that severe, you took a massive chance buying a cup of coffee in there in the first place.

Why? She has to ingest the wheat. I don't usually ingest other people's food in a cafe. I worked with someone who has a similar allergy developed after her first pregnancy. At work events she would request a wheat free meal and was fine as long as she didn't actually eat any wheat. The Op's mother was touching her cup with crumbs.

It doesn't actually matter if the DM didn't understand the reason for not touching the cup. She was asked 3 times not to do so. That's rude and deliberate.

It sounds like she doesn't take your allergy seriously

Her behaviour was truly bizarre, but I'm quite sure the cafe would have prepared you another coffee out of goodwill, if you'd explained the circumstances. I think you took a big risk having a sandwich anywhere near you though.

I have never made sandwiches for my dd. We don’t eat gluten or dairy. A sandwich is not an essential to life.

You asked her once and then she kept touching it so she was very unreasonable. Even if you didn't have an allergy you asking her not to should be enough. Have you spoken to her since?

Does your mother not like you?? She sounds either mad or really horrible!

Is it as another poster suggested, that she doesn't believe in allergies?

I would choose someone else to spend time with!

YANBU, people who don't take allergies seriously are putting lives in danger, they should always be challenged in the sternest way possible

yes, it's lovely she was worried about your DD, but allergies kill, and if yours is getting progressively worse she can't be sure you wouldn't go into anaphylactic shock, it is playing with fire and totally irresponsible!

Yanbu OP. I have severe anaphylaxis to a lot of things. I unfortunately am surrounded by people who think allergies are not a "thing". I would have done exactly the same thing! Until she learns. Repeat every single time. On occasion I've had to do it with my DM and other family members

Yanbu. It's not over dramatic and you are allowed to eat out in a cafe just because you have allergies

Fuck her. I hope she was left to pick up the bill, as well as get the bus.

All you can do with people who dismiss you is disengage and leave them to it. She repeatedly ignored you and ended up by herself and having to get the bus as a consequence. Next time, she'll remember the consequence, that will deter her if she'd prefer a different experience.

Yadnbu. I would have done the same.

I was setting up a table at work with my stuff and a colleague came up and starting moving things around. I asked her politely not to touch my things, but a few minutes later she was back standing at my table of stuff. So I asked her to move and a few minutes later she was back and moved everything slightly again. I was like what the fuck! Some people are just annoying.

How do you manage at home? Do you not make sandwiches etc for your DD?
I use wheat free bread at home. Not that we eat much of it. If DH brings wheat products into the house he writes WHEAT on the packet in big letters and sticks it in his own separate drawer. And he’s well versed in how to avoid cross contamination.

How on earth were her hands so crumby that she left actual crumbs on your coffee cup?

How are people defending the mother?!!!!

She was told not once, not twice, but three times NOT to touch the cup and get she did!

She’s a bitch and I would have stormed off too.

Have you spoken to her since?
Nope. Came home and DH commented I was back quickly, so I explained and he said it was mean to stomp off and leave DM to get the bus.

I think your mum was a dick tbh.

Is it as another poster suggested, that she doesn't believe in allergies?
I don’t think she disbelieves as much as she forgets and lacks common sense and an understanding of cross contamination.

I'd have got the hump with her touching my cup repeatedly even without the allergy. YANBU.

I would be cross in your situation but I wouldn't have reacted like you did. I think it was embarrassing and overly dramatic. You were trying publicly humiliate and punish your Mum which maybe she 'deserved' but even so I would not have done it. I think it was nasty to leave her to catch a bus home especially on a bank holiday Monday

I'm also really surprised you trusted the cafe not to cross contaminate the cup

Has your mother seen letters from your consultant showing the plan of care etc? It does sound like she just doesn’t realise it’s as bad as it is. I would call her up, apologise for storming off and explain the allergy thing again and then next time you see her show her some of the consultant’s letters with details of how you need to look after yourself. Emphasise that a trained medic has instructed you to live like this and so you expect your mother to help you with that

How on earth were her hands so crumby that she left actual crumbs on your coffee cup?
When DM eats something the entire world gets covered in crumbs and she has half of it on her face for the rest of the day. She is quite elderly though (82) which is why DH said it was mean to stomp off and leave her to get the bus (fwiw it’s only a five minute bus ride home from the shopping centre and she makes the trip regularly).

The thing is, either she is rather dense or she is nasty. Either way, an unexpected bus ride home might help her attitude and memory!!

Poor you, 100pc with you.