To have walked off and left DM in the cafe?

[ChinaBear]

Went out for coffee with DD 1yo and DM. DM had a toasted sandwich. I’m allergic to wheat but only if I ingest it. Even a crumb will make me ill. DD reached out for my coffee on the table and DM moved my cup away (which was unnecessary anyway as it was already out of DD’s reach). I asked her not to touch my cup when she has wheat crumbs on her hands because I’ll be poorly if it gets in my mouth.

A few minutes later she did exactly the same thing again and I said I’ve already asked you not to touch my cup with wheat on your hands! DD can’t reach my cup, I don’t need you to move it. Then she did it again! By which point I was getting angry and said STOP TOUCHING MY CUP YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME ILL!

The final time she picked my cup up by the rim and left visible crumbs from her fingers right where my mouth would touch the cup. So then I couldn’t drink it at all. I picked up DD and said What part of “don’t touch my cup do you not understand?!” And stormed out.

I’m utterly furious. A large coffee with syrup and cream is a rare expensive treat to have to throw it away. DH thinks I’ve been mean by storming out and leaving DM to get the bus home.

How many adults do you see licking or chewing their own hands? As an allergy sufferer I never touch my face, neck or hair unless my hands are freshly washed, it’s a behaviour that is ingrained in allergy sufferers.

I just wanted to say that my Mum sounds like yours OP. She’s a bit younger but dyslexic/dyspraxic/slow to process/v passive. I often wonder if she would have been diagnosed with mild learning difficulties these days. But, like yours, mine held down a marriage and job. Not really friendships though.

I find her very difficult. I have a lot of anger towards her for some of the things she’s done or not done over the years and that often makes me quicker to react to her than I would otherwise be.

So- no judgement here. I get it.

A door handle isn't really comparable, is it? All the people saying "well, she touches doors!"
Er, yes, but a drinking vessel you are drinking out of is infinitely more likely to go near your mouth and face, is it not?!

Having learning difficulties doesn't mean an inability to learn. Given that the mother has successfully raised children and held down jobs, I wouldn't be too sure that she's that "thick". She might not understand the nuances of intolerances/allergies, but she should be able to understand "don't touch my cup".

As for her age: in the early years there is a correlation between age and abilities (though with a wide range), but that's not the same in someone in their 60s/70s/80s or even 90s. Neither physical nor cognitive decline can be so easily matched to age in people over retirement age.

I'd suspect that her saying she's "thick" is part of a behaviour that's been going on for so long that the OP has finally had enough.

Is she hard of hearing? Yes. Also dyslexic and dyspraxic and generally clumsy. Unable to write and struggles to read. Doesn’t understand social conventions which often gets her in trouble. She takes no notice of what you tell her, or perhaps it doesn’t register. I don’t know what her diagnosis would be if she was a child nowadays

Wow. You'd better hope that, when you are your DM's age, your DD is less of a twunt to you than you have been to your mother.

OP also said that she's never been diagnosed with any of those, it's self diagnosed

@ChinaBear I would have done exactly as you did. You didn't overreact at all.

I'm allergic to tomato (in every form) and have been since I was 3. I remember being in a cafe when I was about 7 and ordered chicken nuggets, chips and peas. I told them I was allergic to tomato but it came with baked beans. Mother made no attempt to rectify it. I had to (at the age of 7) send the plate back and ask for what I had ordered but they had simply been poured off (with all the liquid still on the plate and the chips covered in it). Mother told me not to make a fuss and eat it anyway. I was violently ill for over a week with D&V.

She is 82?!!! Maybe she just doesn't get it.

OP also said that she's never been diagnosed with any of those, it's self diagnosed

Of course it is.

Your poor mum. Come off it, OP. I can’t believe your inability to take her age and difficulties into account.

To be honest, your DH was tight.

To those absolute idiots who say wipe the cup, and a crumb doesn't hurt, 20ppm of gluten is the official standard, myself and many other Celiacs react to 5ppm of gluten. A crumb, or a hand that had touched wheat and not been washed will hurt someone. Really hurt a celiac. Google demititis herpeformis. A crumb does that to me. It's unliveable

OP, I haven't eaten out in years, I have dermititis herpeformis (unbearable) as a symptom, and shitting white diarreah is agonizing. The cafe is full of people preparing coffee who have made sandwiches, the syrup is unlikely to be safe, and that cup is likely contaminated to hell to start with.

The op may well not be super sensitive, but spreading dangerous myths about celiac and allergies is dangerous and cruel.

I've a latex allergy as well. Wiping a cup wouldn't do shit to stop me swelling up if someone touched banana and then my cup.

Eating out would be suicidal for me.

I'd also be annoyed at someone thinking i couldn't protect my own DD from touching the cup, like don't worry i can move my own cup out of the way if i think it's a danger

My DF doesn't (and never has) believed in my allergy so much so that when i was younger he would "hide" the ingredient in food so that he could proudly go "see haha, i knew you liked insert ingredient" except every. single. time... my face was on fire and i felt like i was going to burst into flames. He said i could just taste it and was being dramatic. Or he would offer me a mild version of something or a taste and say "well its just a little bit". Some people are bonkers

she shouldnt keep ignoring u and it sounds like this is more than what happened today-you acknowledged you shoulsnt have left her though which was harsh

I can understand that must have been infuriating but you might need to cut her a little slack if she is 82 and forgetful. It can be hard as our parents get older to come to terms with them not being as on top of things.

I do think you were unreasonable to leave your 82 year old mother to get the bus whatever happened, to be honest.

I'm confused, because the symptoms you describe are consistent with an intolerance not an allergy. Two very different things.....

Eating out would be suicidal for me

Well exactly. There is no way that anyone as allergic/intolerant to wheat as the OP claims to be can eat out in a normal cafe. There will be cross-contamination of surfaces, cups etc via staff, the dishwasher etc etc.

I'd also be annoyed at someone thinking i couldn't protect my own DD from touching the cup, like don't worry i can move my own cup out of the way if i think it's a danger

Thousands of kids end up with burns each year from parents' hot drinks. Parents often under-estimate how far a small child can reach. Personally I could not sit by and watch a child reach for a hot drink if I thought it might get it, whatever its drama queen mother said. I have seen too many children with life-altering burns.

I don’t think YABU at all if wheat makes you ill, and you asked your DM more than once not to handle your cup.
However, you said she is 82 - do you think she might have some cognitive impairment which means she forgets things - usually the most recent things are forgotten at this age?
I do think it was unreasonable to leave her to catch the bus home alone at her age though.

I'm confused, because the symptoms you describe are consistent with an intolerance not an allergy.

This

Dharma - intolerances can have very severe reactions too, not just allergies.
Leo - OP said her mum has always been like this, ignored her and done what she wanted to anyway, doesn't sound like she suddenly became forgetful because, you know, old.

Don’t believe anywhere the OP has stated her mother is self diagnosed she said herself her mother just calls herself “thick” the OP is handing out a diagnosis if anything

Lime - yes but characteristics and difficulties like the ones OP describes are always going to get worse with age - especially lack of social boundaries, forgetfulness etc.

I can understand why OP was so annoyed - my parents annoy me no end with similar things sometimes, but it also sounds like the OP was trying to make a point back against her whereas she could have taken a deep breath, been a bit more tolerant and picked her cup up and held it in her hands, for example.

The OP knows she shouldn't have left her mum anyway now so it's a bit moot, but I'm just saying a certain amount of patience needs to be exercised as our parents age, which is not always easy I know from personal experience!

Exactly, so if there's no diagnosis how do they know she's got dyspraxia and dyslexia like the OP said?

That was to MrsFox

I don’t. The same as we don’t know if the OP has a allergy or an intolerance. It’s the internet it’s not the serious. I was simply stating the mother hasn’t self diagnosed like perviously said.