To have walked off and left DM in the cafe?

[ChinaBear]

Went out for coffee with DD 1yo and DM. DM had a toasted sandwich. I’m allergic to wheat but only if I ingest it. Even a crumb will make me ill. DD reached out for my coffee on the table and DM moved my cup away (which was unnecessary anyway as it was already out of DD’s reach). I asked her not to touch my cup when she has wheat crumbs on her hands because I’ll be poorly if it gets in my mouth.

A few minutes later she did exactly the same thing again and I said I’ve already asked you not to touch my cup with wheat on your hands! DD can’t reach my cup, I don’t need you to move it. Then she did it again! By which point I was getting angry and said STOP TOUCHING MY CUP YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME ILL!

The final time she picked my cup up by the rim and left visible crumbs from her fingers right where my mouth would touch the cup. So then I couldn’t drink it at all. I picked up DD and said What part of “don’t touch my cup do you not understand?!” And stormed out.

I’m utterly furious. A large coffee with syrup and cream is a rare expensive treat to have to throw it away. DH thinks I’ve been mean by storming out and leaving DM to get the bus home.

Limekiwi not unkind at all! 84 is old, and so is 87 - regardless of whether they themselves consider themselves old. Maybe the difference between the two is that your 87yo is capable, bright and healthy. The OP's dm is mentally less capable, she herself calls it "thick". Maybe these days she would be diagnosed as having learning difficulties.

The OP said that her dm had not actually been diagnosed with dyspraxia or dyslexia, so I think it's just the OP's labelling for a woman who can barely read, cannot write, is clumsy, makes constant social blunders and is also, coincidentally, going deaf, as she has also said all these things about her dm. She has also said her dm has always been like this and calls herself thick.

I think it's an age thing probably. My DH is successfully dieting and yet the moment he visits his Mum she offers him a stream of cakes, biscuits, crisps etc. She knows he's dieting, and he mentions it when she offers him this food. But literally 15 minutes later she's offering him cheese on toast. Depending on the individual, as they get very old I really think some people just give up thinking. They have their little routines and habits and nothing new really sinks in anymore. This is what has happened to MIL.

Extremely annoying but try to tell yourself she isn’t doing it on purpose to annoy you. She’s old, has difficulties and she’s been the same for years, can you not anticipate what she’s going to do and manage her a little better? Why didn’t you keep hold of the cup for example? You’re treating her as someone like yourself, think about her behaviour, memory and understanding and get prepared.

Sounds a bit melodramatic tbh lol wheat crumbs on your cub seriously 🙄

Cup*

There`s a bit of a drip feed here. She is 82, dyslexic, dyspraxic, clumsy, socially awkward. Anything else?

You should have ordered another drink and binned the first one.

If she is 82 you have to be at least 40, you should have known better.

crumbs on your cup seriously
Do you suffer from allergies or intolerances?
You have no clue if you're eye rolling at that.

@LimeKiwi
Sorry duh...

It all seems like a good lesson in not ordering 28 spoonful-of-sugar syrupy coffees with whipped cream for a fiver.... YABU just for that

Could you not have got her to get you another coffee?

Two things:

1. I understand your principles about being treated as an adult and agree with them. But since it's hardly uncommon for adults to struggle to see their grown up children as capable, this whole situation might have been easily solved by you holding your mug by the handle or cupped in your hands (I often do this anyway).

2. Using phrases such as "poorly" and "tummy ache" doesn't really effectively convey the seriousness of "potentially fatal condition". No wonder people struggle to understand the severity if it's described in the sort of terms that go on a five year olds sick note.

Her not understanding your allergy is not uncommon, I find it’s an issue as well so YANBU to be annoyed by it but .....YABU if you think that it’s ok to shout at your elderly mother and then walk off and leave her. Have you bothered to find out if she got home ok? If your mother has the issues you say she has, why on earth are you continuing to go on at her, she isn’t getting it. You behaved like a stroppy teenager, why would you make such a scene? At 82, with all those issues ....how could you leave her to make her own way home on a bank holiday. I would never speak to my mother like that in a public place and she drives me up the wall at times but I respect and love her and would never want to humiliate her like that.

Sorry but if I was your dm I would be fuming. A crumb is hardy likely to cause effect, and I would think you were being ridiculous, especially as this is an intolerance you developed later in life. You were also sitting on a small table for 2 where I have little doubt your dm had previous experiences of near misses with small children and hot drinks. I would hardly be able to relax and have a cuppa with you if a small child was within grabbing distance either. To leave your mum on her own was well out of order and says more about you than about her.

Hairy fairy - what has her developing the intolerance later in life got to do with thinking she is being ridiculous about it?
Are you insinuating that she's being ridiculous and precious as "it can't be that serious then if you developed it later?"
YES it can.
Just because it hasn't been there all your life doesn't mean it's not real or serious FFS.

And you cannot change other people, only how you respond to them.

You know that she doesn’t listen to you. So you could have just kept hold of your drink, which is what many people do anyway.

You are clearly really cross with her and how she is.

You have a choice , adapt your behaviour so you don’t get cross or don’t spend time with her

I will freely admit that I'm no expert in allergies but I don't understand why giving the cup a good wipe was out of the question when touching the door handles etc is no biggie.

YABVVVU.

Totally agree hairy fairy.

@votejadot

Since when have you put a door handle in your mouth?

I can touch a door handle if it has a bit of kiwi on it and I’ll just get a rash and swollen hand, if I lick something with kiwi on I will go into anaphylatic shock, require two epi-pens and an immediate 999 call as I am likely going to lose the ability to breathe.

You do understand that rubbing something with a tissue doesn’t remove it, if a cup had shit on it you wouldn’t simply rub it with a tissue and then drink from it.

Sounds like this is a manifestation of some longstanding issues you have with your dm. Your allergy sounds horrible. But so was leaving her alone in the coffee shop.

I get your frustration about the allergy situation- some people don’t really understand how serious they can be. I might have missed something in the thread where you said how your mother reacted each time you asked her not to touch the cup- dismissive? irritated? lack of comprehension?
However this sounds like a relatively small part of bigger set of issues you have with your mum, as opposed to a one off incident which has marred an otherwise unproblematic relationship.
What are you going to do next?

@sar302 - that is how I handle eating out too. Any chance of cross contamination and I just don't eat it. It's frustrating sometimes, especially when you order e.g. a salad that is supposed to be gf but then someone plonks a big slice of toast on top for no good reason so you have to sit there hungry, but it's a risk of eating out.

You say you want your DM to treat you like an adult, @ChinaBear, but you didn't behave like an adult when you stormed off in a huff. The simplest thing to have done would have been to just not finish the contaminated coffee and stay chatting with your DM instead of ruining your Bank Holiday Monday and hers. Then drive her home like a grown-up instead of leaving her to walk.

This sounds like a life long battle of the wills between you and your mum. You and she actually sound stubborn. Her by moving the cup and you by repeatedly replacing it in the same spot to annoy her. You should have just kept it in your hand. At 82 allowances need to be made. Your behaviour was v. Churlish. You will be that 82 yr old woman someday. Be the bigger person.

Yeah I get that SimonJT but if her intolerance is that bad I'd have thought she wouldn't want to risk accidental transfer of crumbs from handle > hand > mouth.